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my married man left his wife


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I have been seeing a married man for 2 years, and he has just gotten seperated from his wife.

 

He has kids, who he will see on weekends. He has his own house now, but I still can't sleep over or really

come there much, or be around his kids.

 

Has anyone else gone through this, any advice? I would like to marry him in the next couple years and

want to know the best way to progress.

 

His wife doesn't know about me, she thinks we just work together. We don't want her to find out that

he cheated with me while they were married. But we will have to tell her that we are together after

a while, after things settle down from the seperation and after they are divorced. So its at least a year

away before anyone can know.

 

It's REALLY frustrating, can anyone relate?

 

And married women, don't hate. Lot's of people get divorced and have step-families.

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Originally posted by Sara_g

I have been seeing a married man for 2 years, and he has just gotten seperated from his wife.

 

He has kids, who he will see on weekends. He has his own house now, but I still can't sleep over or really

come there much, or be around his kids.

 

Has anyone else gone through this, any advice? I would like to marry him in the next couple years and

want to know the best way to progress.

 

His wife doesn't know about me, she thinks we just work together. We don't want her to find out that

he cheated with me while they were married. But we will have to tell her that we are together after

a while, after things settle down from the seperation and after they are divorced. So its at least a year

away before anyone can know.

 

It's REALLY frustrating, can anyone relate?

 

And married women, don't hate. Lot's of people get divorced and have step-families.

 

Do his kids live with him? And be very careful.. ya know the saying, if he'll do it with you, he'll do it to you..

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Why can't he tell his wife that he is involve with someone else? What is the reason for telling her after the divorce? Will he introduce you to the kids while he is going through the divorce or after the divorce?

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part of the time, he has them. I have met them, just not in a situation where I would be perceived as

being romantically involved. We work together, so I have met his wife and been to his house and stuff.

 

I know that is the saying, but my guy is different. I don't think he will cheat on me, because as I have found it

most major cheaters are also mega into having a lot of sex.

 

My married guy wouldn't have sex with me for more than a YEAR and still doesn't want to do it very often.

It is actully somewhat of a problem between us..

 

i dont know maybe he feels guilty.

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Originally posted by Sara_g

part of the time, he has them. I have met them, just not in a situation where I would be perceived as

being romantically involved. We work together, so I have met his wife and been to his house and stuff.

 

I know that is the saying, but my guy is different. I don't think he will cheat on me, because as I have found it

most major cheaters are also mega into having a lot of sex.

 

My married guy wouldn't have sex with me for more than a YEAR and still doesn't want to do it very often.

It is actully somewhat of a problem between us..

 

i dont know maybe he feels guilty.

 

If he has his own house now.. isn't that what you said? Why can't you go over their? And hun, all of our guys are 'different'. 'Oh, he wouldn't do that to me..'

But most of em do.. And no, I don't believe all cheaters are into having sex ALL the time..

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he is telling her he just isn't in love with her anymore. He can't get divored for a year... unless he admits

he was adultrous which he doesn't want to do, because hes afraid she will prevent him from seeing his

children.

 

They have to be seperated for a year before divorcing. I don't know when he will let me get to know his

kids, or when he will tell his wife. I have a feeling that he will try to drag it out as long as he can, until

I start flipping out and give him an ultimatum, and than he MIGHT. or who knows, maybe he will go back

to her :(

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I can go over there a bit, but he is afraid his wife will show up.. its so stupid. I thought it would be a lot

different, but things still suck.

 

Just like they did before. He isn't even sleeping there yet... he still sleeps at his wifes.

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Originally posted by Sara_g

he is telling her he just isn't in love with her anymore. He can't get divored for a year... unless he admits

he was adultrous which he doesn't want to do, because hes afraid she will prevent him from seeing his

children.

 

They have to be seperated for a year before divorcing. I don't know when he will let me get to know his

kids, or when he will tell his wife. I have a feeling that he will try to drag it out as long as he can, until

I start flipping out and give him an ultimatum, and than he MIGHT. or who knows, maybe he will go back

to her :(

 

Please just don't sit around forever waitiing for this man. He's not worth it. There are plenty of single men out there. And yes, I believe most men actually do go back and try to work things out.. I wouldn't even wait around to see if he does. I would leave now.. if you want, tell him to give you a call when he's actually divorced..

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You know, I feel that way a lot. Like I should just forget it.

 

He says things like, "this is different, I am not like other married guys.. blah blah.. my kids.. i love them..

can't tell her.. it would ruin my life.... etc etc.."

 

if he loves me so much why won't he just tell her. i dont know.

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Originally posted by Sara_g

You know, I feel that way a lot. Like I should just forget it.

 

He says things like, "this is different, I am not like other married guys.. blah blah.. my kids.. i love them..

can't tell her.. it would ruin my life.... etc etc.."

 

if he loves me so much why won't he just tell her. i dont know.

 

Cuz he'll lose everything. They all say the same thing. 'My wife is such a mean b*tch'. 'We only live together.. our marriage was dead long ago' 'I'm only with her for the kids'. It's all the same..

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That exactly what he says to me. "My wife can't handle it right now.." blah blah BLAH

 

well im glad to know that you think I can handle it all. :(

 

its just awful. he wants both

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You deserve better than that. I dated my MM for a year.. met him at work. Throughtout that year I heard all those lines. 'I don't even sleep in the same bed.. I have my own couch'. Blah blah blah. Lie, lie, lie. He told me he was just with her for the kids.. he had 2 young kids. And she was supposedly just a nasty woman. And I believed that until I met her. She came into work one day to get his keys, and he had ME give them to her! She was so sweet, I felt horrible. He told me I made him happy.. he would never cheat on me. Yadda yadda yadda. I even moved outta my house just to be with him more.. got my own apartment. Then one day I got fired.. I was chillin at the restaurant I used to work, and I asked him for some help so I wouldn't lose the apartment.. he THREW $7 at me. I flipped out, and he called me later on.. I never replied, and we never spoke again. Best thing that ever happened.. me gettin out. We all deserve better. Someone who you can actually BE in public with.. someone who you can see at his house. Someone who's there for you..

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WithOrWithoutYou

Well, I'm a man, but as a former "OM", I can relate to a lot of what Erika is talking about, especially "the couch". Heh, only later did I find out (for 100% because she admitted it after her H called me up and told me!) that she was still doing her H regularly.

 

Erika has given you several good ones. A few more (replace the he's with she's) you might want to listen for:

 

1. It's the "Christmas Season" (uh huh, 70 days prior, riiiiiight). After the holidays I will leave. I promise. We will be together. I just don't want to ruin Christmas for the kids. Trust me. Have faith in me. After Christmas I am moving out, right away. Oh, and I'm sleeping on the couch, I promise, and NOTHING is going on. He is repugnant to me... (Shortly before Chrismas that is exposed as a lie - I won't even repeat the really lame non-reason for that she gave - and shortly after, I find out from the H who called me, that yes, not only was she sleeping with him, she was in fact sleeping with him, and she then admitted it. Even upon forgiving her, and her again saying she wanted to be with me, up pops another excuse why it cannot be right now).

 

2. I can't leave/divorce him right now. I just couldn't do that to him right now because he is having so much trouble at work. (Yeah, riiiiight - that was probably the lamest one of all. I'm about 95% sure he made most of that up (or greatly embellished), and about 90% sure she knew that, but since it was another handy dandy excuse not to leave, and was served up on a silver platter, she fed it to me anyway).

 

3. I got the flu and he took care of me. How can I leave him right now, after that? I'm still leaving, but this is absolutely not the right time - trust me. (Um, how? Walk out the door. Why didn't she want to be with *me* when she was sick? The answer is now obvious.)

 

4. He was mean, but he just bought me ______ (can be anything - a cd player, a cat, a dog). He is being so nice right now, and he is like the man I married. Still, I know what he is really like, and I want to be with you, but it is going to take a bit longer than I thought. (Oooook, so I'll buy ya TWO dozen roses - oops, sorry, forgot I was chopped liver).

 

5. I want to leave because he is so awful to live with (again), but financially things are very bad, and he needs my income. It's for the kids! This is not about me or him! Things will get better, and then we can be together, I promise. (Cough *child support* *cough* bull***t* *cough* *same-old-tired-record-being-played-at-a-different-speed* *cough*).

 

6. Things are financially better now, but he just bought me a __________ (very extravagent gift). How can I leave him right after that? I want to go, but I need more time. (At this point, I'm thinking, yeah, until hell freezes over, and I'm just BARELY starting to smell the coffee - sad huh).

 

If he is jerking you around, he will also be EXTREMELY unwilling to discuss any serious conversations he may be having with the wife about their marriage, relationship, or where it is going (other than to reassure you generically and as vaguely as possible that he is getting a divorce and you will be together). But try to get DETAILS. What did the wife SAY. What did he SAY to her. If you don't get them, you're probably screwed.

 

Just think with your mind, and not with your heart. If what he is telling you SOUNDS like bull***t, it probably IS bull***t!

 

Getting his own place is really a positive sign, but not if he is STILL sleeping at the wife's. Let me guess - it's for the kids. To help them adjust to all of this. Um, exactly HOW is him moving out in two weeks, a month, or 60-90 days, going to help them adjust better than him moving out NOW? If you ask him that question, he will say something about how he loves you, how you have to let him do this his way, the "right way", and how you will be together, and all will be wonderful.

 

If you are not getting serious, committed, honest, forthright vibes from him, just save yourself a lot of pain and end it. Only you know whether you are seeing good signs or not. Only you know whether or not you are feeling the love. Are you?

 

Don't feel too bad if any of this, or what Erika said, looks familiar. I am an (I hope) reasonably intelligent, professional man, with a very responsible job, and a well-tuned bull***t detector, and I should have been able to so easily see through most of those, but we believe these things the people we love tell us, not because they are credible, but because we want to believe. It isn't rational, and it doesn't make sense, but we believe it anyway.

 

So do as I say, and not as I did, and be careful not to be a sap. A lot of us had to go through a LOT of pain before we realized we were being jerked around by the people we loved. Maybe your MM is different than Erika's MM, and my MW, and countless others, but the odds are definately NOT in your favor, so turn on your BS detector, set it on HIGH, and sit tight. You may be in for quite the roller-coaster ride. I hope not for your sake though. There are a few who are honest about it all, and who really know what they want - just not, I think, too many.

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EnigmaXOXO

I can certainly empathize with your situation. As a matter of fact, it's this exact scenario that I presented to another poster who is anxiously awaiting her married man to leave his wife and kids. I really hope she reads your story. :(

 

He has kids, who he will see on weekends. He has his own house now, but I still can't sleep over or really come there much, or be around his kids.

 

I also understand the reasoning behind it. It makes perfect sense that MM would do anything he could to protect his own self interests. After all, that's what he's been doing all along while all of you (wife, mistress & children) have been second on his priority list. Unfortunately, you will have to remain so until he makes sure that everything works out in his own favor. I just hope, that in the end, he proves to be as steadfast and loyal to your relationship as you are. And I mean that in all sincerity.

 

Meanwhile, I know how terrible it must feel for you to continue hiding in the shadows like some dirty little secret. :( I know how anxious you must feel to finally take your relationship to the next level. But I think you NEED this year, Sarah, to find out what kind of man you're really dealing with outside the confines of a marriage. You'll also have to wait some time after the final divorce to see whether or not he's willing to proudly step out of the shadows with you and introduce you to the world (and his children) as his new partner. If he's truly in love with you, there should be no residual shame or embarrassment. He should be willing to proclaim his love for you and shout it from the rooftops. He should also be willing to defend you against any family members or friends who may have some not-so-kind words to say about you. He may even find himself in the position of having to choose between you and the relationships between his children and family members.

 

Sweetie, if this man doesn't find it within himself to put you first in his life by then…he never will.

 

I have a feeling that he will try to drag it out as long as he can, until I start flipping out and give him an ultimatum, and than he MIGHT. or who knows, maybe he will go back to her

 

It's good that you are thinking ahead and preparing yourself in the event of the worst case scenario. While it may not seem very optimistic, at least you won't be surprised or caught unprepared by anything that might happen next. Even though a part of you must feel a bit anxious and excited that it's finally come this far, it's difficult to celebrate the small victories when there are so many obstacles ahead.

 

True, after having some time on his own, getting the space and 'alone time' he needs to sort out his thoughts, he may decide his marriage and wife didn't look as bad as he initially thought. There is always the lure of hearth and home. It's comfortable and familiar. He could decide to give his marriage another go. OR…he might decide he likes being single, and absent any relationship commitments, may want to enjoy his freedom to date other woman for a while. Now that he's finally free, he may discover he no longer needs an OW to play surrogate to his marital inertia. Either way, his actions this year and in the months to follow will provide you with a good indicator of his true character. You may discover things about him that remained hidden until now.

 

Try to remain strong and patient…not for him, but for yourself. At the same time, keep your eyes wide open and **pay attention** to everything he says and does from this point on. Don't be afraid to ask him questions, seek validation of your worth, or turn to him for support while he requests that you to maintain your holding pattern while he sorts out the mess he's made of his life and those around him. If he can't consider your needs to be just as important as his own, then he'll never be the kind of loyal, "faithful" partner you've made him out in your mind to be. Sadly, I think his wife and children are already about to discovered as much…

 

Careful, Sarah. Please, please, be careful with yourself.

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I would like to marry him in the next couple years and want to know the best way to progress.

 

BUT

 

He isn't even sleeping there yet... he still sleeps at his wife's

 

and

 

He can't get divorced for a year

 

and

 

I don't know when he will let me get to know his kids, or when he will tell his wife.

 

are the two of you even within the same level of existence? Because it sounds to me like you've got it in your head that you will get your happily ever after, but his actions reveal otherwise.

 

[color=red]I have a feeling that he will try to drag it out as long as he can, until I start flipping out and give him an ultimatum, and than he MIGHT. or who knows, maybe he will go back to her[/color]

 

this statement sends out a huge red flag that you and he aren't even in the same ballpark when it comes to your relationship. You're looking for a future, he's looking for fun. You deserve much better than false hopes from someone who can't even be honest with himself (much less you or his wife) about his life.

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Here's what you know, or should know - if I'm understanding the facts correctly.

 

This guy is unhappy with the state of his marriage, and has started a low-maintenance, no-commitment relationship with you on the side. That doesn't mean he will ever get a divorce.

 

That doesn't mean that he doesn't love you. But, whether he loves you or not is NOT relevant. NOT RELEVANT.

 

What's relevant is that you want a committed relationship with him, leading to marriage, and he is not available for that.

 

He has clearly shown you through actions and words that he is NOT READY to leave his family (he is still living there although he has two alternate housing arrangements - your place and his own place). He CHOOSES every day to go home to his home - the place he wants to be. He may want to be there because of his kids, because the sofa is comfortable, because he has cable - it doesn't matter. He wants to be there - not somewhere else. It may change of course, but right now - he chooses to be there.

 

He does not want his wife to know he has another relationship.

 

He does not want his children to know he has another relationship.

 

He likely doesn't want anyone to know he has another relationship.

 

He is still married and not ready to let that go.

 

 

I want to smack him right after I smack myself for being stupid enough to waste my years on a MM. Please don't do what I did.

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StillHurtin

Sorry you are dealing w/ this....but I would cut him off now, or at least until his divorce is final. I know you probably don't want to hear from a W but I just want to let you know, you story sounds a little similiar to mine. My H also wanted a D and was having and A w/ a co-worker but they both lied about it. I kicked him out of our home and he continued to see the OW. The OW's own H showed me proof that they were seeing eachother outside of work so I knew it was going on. I moved out of the house w/ our children and moved almost 2 hours away and started my life over, w/o him. A month later H called and told me everything and said he made the stupidest mistake of his life and wanted the M to work. He broke it off w/ the OW. We reconciled our M and dropped the D and have been back 2gether for 2 years. I just don't want you waisting your time on this mm, it's not worth it. GL!

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I know that is the saying, but my guy is different. I don't think he will cheat on me, because as I have found it

most major cheaters are also mega into having a lot of sex.

 

 

YOu are rationalizing the situation. Look at the situation with open eyes. You are not going to be his wife until he is divorced and asks you to be his wife.

 

My g/f dated a mm for some time. He finally divorced his wife, got another home and then decided he liked the single life and wanted to date others, just for awhile. Well.......like a fool she waited around for several months. During this time he met and got engaged to someone else.

 

 

I wouldnt put all your eggs in one easter basket, not until there is actually a divorce .

 

 

I do wish you well in your situation though.

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StillHurtin
Originally posted by MiChick43

Stillhurtin,

 

Im glad things are working out for you.

 

Thanks MiChick. Just taking it day by day. I never in a million years thought my H would have an A, but I warned him that IF he ever did his a$$ would be out the door and I wouldn't look back. Guess I should of never said that b/c until it really happens to you, you don't know what you will do. In away, the A was kind of a blessing, if that makes since. The thing that bothers me the most, is that he has been w/ another woman in our 13 years of M. I never thought he would be w/ another woman after we met. Guess I thought wrong.

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whichwayisup

The thing is, even though the marriage is over and he's left her (?) there will be a mourning period for him to go through. Like it or not, that woman was his wife. The woman he had children with, share friends and family. They are deeply connected and will be forever - Because of their children. She will always be part of your life because of their children.

 

He needs to be on his own for a while. Let him deal with some feelings (Trust me, they will be inside of him) cuz it won't be fair to leave and then just jump into another relationship, settle down and start life all over again. That could be part of why he isn't allowing the 411 out of the bag yet as well as cuz he wants an easy divorce, not to let it go nasty.

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StillHurtin
Originally posted by Bubbles

All men cheat. I don't care WHO they are! They all cheat!!!

 

 

bubbles

 

 

Not true Bubbles, my dad has been married to my mom for almost 50 years and has never cheated. My brother has been w/ his wife for 25 years, and has never cheated, and never, ever will. My dad, and my brothers are wonderful men. They would never cheat on their wives, ever. You may think that I am assuming they wont, I know they wont, I have no doubts about that. Not all men cheat.

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Originally posted by Marie1973

ALRIGHT!!

 

 

glad to hear that he left his wife

 

now u can be together!!

 

be happy

 

Stop it.. can't you see that everything's not gonna be perfect as you seem to think your relationship with MM is? You are BOTH going to be hurt. Wake up into reality.. I know you're old enough. Haven't you read any of our posts? Seen what most of us have been through? I used to feel sorry for you when I started reading your posts.. but as I kept reading, how could I feel bad for ya? You seem to be living in some kinda dreamland. And please don't take this as me bashing you for no reason.. I have been there.. been with the MM. I hate to see other girls putting themselves through something that is just gonna hurt em in the end. And you guys are. And what bothers me most, is you have no remorse.. you don't feel bad at all for what you're doin..

 

Grrrrrr :confused:

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