lavenderblue Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 I am really interested in finding out how many people here were able to have a nice healthy relationship after their affairs ended.... they say that a normal healthy relationship can't match the roller coaster of emotions that are generated in an affair..is this your experience? Link to post Share on other sites
independentwoman Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 I am really interested in finding out how many people here were able to have a nice healthy relationship after their affairs ended.... they say that a normal healthy relationship can't match the roller coaster of emotions that are generated in an affair..is this your experience? That isn't true, while the emotions aren't as intense, they're real, based on the truth, out in the light. I now realize that the affair was more like an addiction. Does a drug addict enjoy life while they are high? SURE, but everything else in their life is usually a wreck. I'll take those honest true, REAL emotions any day. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Minnie09 Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 True. Like an addiction. Too many extreme highs, but very low lows. And eventually, you'll get tired of this roller coaster. And then you have to "detox", which - in my case - means, that you have no energy to date, or to build a healthy, normal, "boring", not addictive relationship. It just doesn't appeal to me at this point, because I'm too busy "detoxing". And everything else that feels like a normal R wouldn't appeal to me right now anyways. I'd rather be alone and heal. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 Our A was a normal relationship. All that changed was the label - it used to be an A, now it's a M. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
norudder Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 I am really interested in finding out how many people here were able to have a nice healthy relationship after their affairs ended.... they say that a normal healthy relationship can't match the roller coaster of emotions that are generated in an affair..is this your experience? Need healthy people for a healthy relationship. Its not common that healthy people would choose to be in an affair. They would transition to more authenticity pretty quickly. Otherwise the APs need to get healthy first then see if they can/want to make it work. IMO 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TunaInTheBrine Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 Otherwise the APs need to get healthy first then see if they can/want to make it work. IMO I think this is a good rule of thumb. It seems a lot more promising in my opinion for the APs to take time apart, be single, work on whatever issues brought the affair into play, and then if they are still interested in each other to reconnect at a future point. I imagine it would be clearer whether or not there was something healthy there long-term, or if the feels from the A were what were driving the connection before. People do make it work. They are in the minority, but it does happen. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BreakingWave Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 I think this is a good rule of thumb. It seems a lot more promising in my opinion for the APs to take time apart, be single, work on whatever issues brought the affair into play, and then if they are still interested in each other to reconnect at a future point. I imagine it would be clearer whether or not there was something healthy there long-term, or if the feels from the A were what were driving the connection before. People do make it work. They are in the minority, but it does happen. Thank you, Tuna. Your words are what I needed right now. I'm on Day 2 of no contact, though my AP does not know that I have blocked her means of contacting me for now. I keep telling myself that I need at least a week of not hearing anything from her, that anything she has to say that is important will still be true in a week. It has been very difficult for me not to check and see if she has tried to contact me. But you have stated very eloquently exactly what I am thinking. Anything true and real she might be feeling or have to say will still be true in a couple of weeks. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 I am really interested in finding out how many people here were able to have a nice healthy relationship after their affairs ended.... they say that a normal healthy relationship can't match the roller coaster of emotions that are generated in an affair..is this your experience? To some extent this is unfortunately true. Using myself as an example, I spent 3 hellish years in a relationship with someone who was separated. It was pain beyond belief - but at the same time, it was probably the most intense, romantic, sexual relationship I'd had at that time. It was fueled on not knowing what would happen, the lies, the mystery, the fights, breakups, secrecy, etc etc. So I finally ended it and met my now husband. And it was really nice to be with someone who was all mine, we got married, kids, house, dog, all the crap everyone wants. But both of us had experiences with married people in our single lives and that kind of excitement...dies hard. Obviously I am back here. And he had his own painful story. So you can certainly have a nice, fulfilling relationship with an available person but yes, there is always something there, that temptation that beckons. You can develop skills to resist it, avoid it, develop boundaries and as I posted on your other thread, understand people and who they really are - and learn who YOU really are. "Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" Do you want to spend it happy or sad? Because either way, you are spending it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 I think like all dating is really depends on the individuals. I married my AP years after the affair and we made it through pretty unscathed. I think the hardest for our relationship is our 19 month old daughter who fights sleep like the dickens! We have been together now for almost a decade. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 Affairs are intense because everything that happens is about how the two relate and deal with each other. It doesn't matter if it's 10 hours or 10 years, one or both in an affair has another life that deals with all the relationship logistics that pulls attention away. I once read a quote that went something like "we went from locked eyes to looked shoulders as the world put more on us, when I looked back at her I didnt know the woman looking back" In whatever time one spends in an affair that time is all about themselves and that person. Even when moaning about the "other life" it's about how it's affecting them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TunaInTheBrine Posted July 11, 2017 Share Posted July 11, 2017 I think like all dating is really depends on the individuals. I married my AP years after the affair and we made it through pretty unscathed. I think the hardest for our relationship is our 19 month old daughter who fights sleep like the dickens! We have been together now for almost a decade. I'm curious... how long did the two of you wait until after the affair to rekindle the relationship? Did it take them a while to leave their partner? Did the two of you date other people in between the split and getting back together? Link to post Share on other sites
Scoutjr Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 Our A was a normal relationship. All that changed was the label - it used to be an A, now it's a M. Are you now married to your A? Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 Are you now married to your A? If you mean my fMM, yes - the A was many years ago and we've been together since. Link to post Share on other sites
Ahurtgirl Posted July 18, 2017 Share Posted July 18, 2017 Our affair was a normal relationship for the first 2 years. He wanted me to leave our marriages for each other. I didn't know how to with both having young children. Then his marriage became better and mine didn't, so he completed changed and it became a roller coaster of emotions. My exhusband was gay. It was confusing because I was so surprised by what it felt like to be sexually desired. I had only ever been with my exhusband for close to 20 years and I always had to initiate sex and it was never good sex. He would usually turn me down. My exMM actually wanted sex! It felt so natural and his friendship felt so easy. We clicked so well. I never knew that was possible... to have someone as a best friend and good sex... it felt normal, like what a relationship is suppose to be. (It ended badly because of his wife but if it wasn't for her, we'd be together.) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 18, 2017 Share Posted July 18, 2017 Our affair was a normal relationship for the first 2 years. He wanted me to leave our marriages for each other. We clicked so well. I never knew that was possible... to have someone as a best friend and good sex... it felt normal, like what a relationship is suppose to be. (It ended badly because of his wife but if it wasn't for her, we'd be together.) With all due respect, that's not a "normal relationship" - it's still an affair. It may have felt "normal" to you because it was a better relationship than your marriage, but it's still not a normal relationship between two individuals who are able to commit to each other and grow a relationship together. You have yet to really experience what it is to have a normal, healthy relationship... I hope you get to have that experience someday. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted July 18, 2017 Share Posted July 18, 2017 I think you have to define normal.... Is it normal to be in an affair ? I had an affair 33 years ago...and my husband and i have been married 45 years. Is that "normal"? We have friends who met each other at work....both were married....had an affair....both divorced...both moved in together and have been together now for 23 years...but never married. Is that "normal"? Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted July 18, 2017 Share Posted July 18, 2017 I am really interested in finding out how many people here were able to have a nice healthy relationship after their affairs ended.... they say that a normal healthy relationship can't match the roller coaster of emotions that are generated in an affair..is this your experience? Do you mean have a nice, healthy, relationship with their spouse after the affair ends or have a nice, healthy, relationship with the AP after the affair ends and transitions to a regular relationship? If the former, I have no experience. If the latter, I left my first marriage to be with my AP. My is now my DH. We've been together for 27 years, married 14 of those. The love has only deepened and the passion is definitely still there. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Birdies Posted July 18, 2017 Share Posted July 18, 2017 It's true that a regular relationship doesn't have the same highs and lows of an affair. Personally, I'm FINE with that! I'd rather have a comfortable, secure, consistent form of love than to be dangled like a puppet on a string, so ecstatic to receive a text message or so despondent to have been "ignored" for a day. To go to bed every night wrapped up in each other's arms instead of a very occasional, highly anticipated, electric night in a hotel somewhere. You know? But if you're someone who needs that continual drama and excitement, it might be hard to replace what you get from the affair. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted July 18, 2017 Share Posted July 18, 2017 My AP is now my DH also. We transitioned rather smoothly because our relationship was "real", even though there are those who try to say it wasn't. We did therapy in order to work out why we did what we did, what our part was, making sure our r was where it needed to be. We took it slow. We dated one another and made sure this was what we really wanted. But the affair part of our relationship wasn't high drama anyway. We knew what we wanted and we worked to that end. Passion hasn't waned and I still smile when he texts me. I still get a jolt when I see him walk through the door. We still plan our future together and it feels good. We are secure also, emotionally and financially. Really, life couldn't be better. But that is just us. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted July 18, 2017 Share Posted July 18, 2017 Our affair was a normal relationship for the first 2 years. He wanted me to leave our marriages for each other. I didn't know how to with both having young children. Then his marriage became better and mine didn't, so he completed changed and it became a roller coaster of emotions. My exhusband was gay. It was confusing because I was so surprised by what it felt like to be sexually desired. I had only ever been with my exhusband for close to 20 years and I always had to initiate sex and it was never good sex. He would usually turn me down. My exMM actually wanted sex! It felt so natural and his friendship felt so easy. We clicked so well. I never knew that was possible... to have someone as a best friend and good sex... it felt normal, like what a relationship is suppose to be. (It ended badly because of his wife but if it wasn't for her, we'd be together.) You're doing it again. Blaming his wife for his actions. Is this one of the hallmarks of an affair, that when the relationship ends the mm/mw is suddenly cast in the role of evil predator, while the ow/om is an innocent little lamb being led to the slaughter? Or the alternative, where the ow/om and mm/mw are star crossed lovers kept apart by the big bad bs? As far as i can tell, the biggest difference between an affair and other relationships is that when it all blows up, both sides try and blame the other affair partner, the bs or anything else. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
noelle303 Posted July 18, 2017 Share Posted July 18, 2017 Are you talking about having a normal healthy relationship with the AP or in general? After the affair ended terribly I know that I was left pretty jaded and I definitely needed time off from dating and men. I really focused on bettering myself, growing and turning my attention to other things. I went on some dates here and there, but nothing serious. I really didn't want anyone in my life in a way that I would have to put in the effort. I am now (and it's 7 years post affair) in a happy and healthy relationship for a year and a half. It's completely normal and drama free. Is it as exciting, wild and adventurous as my affair was? No. And I never expected it to be. But there is more of that true happiness now in the tranquility. I guess I just needed to give myself time to grow up, face the reality and gain perspective on who I was and who I want to be in the future. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 27, 2017 Share Posted July 27, 2017 (edited) I am really interested in finding out how many people here were able to have a nice healthy relationship after their affairs ended.... they say that a normal healthy relationship can't match the roller coaster of emotions that are generated in an affair..is this your experience? Research does show that emotionally unavailable relationships (whether the person is unavailable because they literally have another relationship going or is just emotionally unavailable but single) with intermittent rewards, highs and lows etc. truly does affect your brain chemistry and expectations and can become addictive. The intensity and anxiety get wired as love, so relationships that are more stable, and thus don't trigger those feelings, are often read as not feeling connected or boring or not in love. This is especially true for people who have a pattern where almost all their relationships fall into this category. Also important is to understand that highs and lows aren't necessarily big blowouts and tornados of drama and so on, but the intermittent rewards can be the high of being able to talk to this person or even go away on a vacation and all seems normal like any other relationship in these moments, then the lows are when stuff happens that reinforces their unavailability, like them going on a family vacation with their family that you're not part of, you not getting to speak to them during that time, etc. These are very mundane, but still very much real highs and lows and part of the intermittent rewards pattern. However, you don't have to be stuck in that trap if you realize it. You can rewire yourself with effort and yes, of course people do have healthy, more fulfilling relationships after affairs. Since I first joined LS I maintained that an affair is literally just one type of emotionally unavailable relationship and for me, I realized that a lot of my relationships were this way, even when the person was for all intents and purposes single. Getting out of the A specifically didn't result in a magical change to this underlying issue, but over time I realized the problem and how I was viewing relationships and it did help me to reorient the familiar feelings I would register as love and connection, and see it for what it was. Edited July 27, 2017 by MissBee 2 Link to post Share on other sites
meta.morphate Posted July 27, 2017 Share Posted July 27, 2017 I'm hoping that someday I can find someone who is crazy and fun and all mine, to take the place of the highs and lows of being in a situation with an unavailable individual ... I need the excitement, but I want that with someone who is really for me. I often question whether I'll be able to have a normal relationship ever, because I never have. My first boyfriend was a drug dealer and physically violent and psychologically damaging but there was love and passion and excitement and drama ... lots of high highs and terrible lows ...that was when I was 15-19. Now I'm 28 and have never had a normal relationship ever. I think I'm always seeking THAT, without the broken fingers and head smashed into the wall and cops coming and drugs and yelling and fighting ... Anyone who seems nice and normal both bores and scares me. Link to post Share on other sites
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