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Married woman contemplating divorce is interested in a married man.


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turningleaf

:o [font=times new roman][/font][color=green][/color]

 

hi,

 

I am new to this list, this is my first post here. I would like to ask the men in this forum, especially married men-

 

I need advice. I'm not so happily married and thinking about leaving my husband. I am attracted to my husband's boss, and e-mailed him to let him know I am interested. I would not act on anything Unless I left my husband first.

 

This many replied to me like this:

I am very flattered, but a little uneasy about us meeting outside company functions. Given our current situations, I would like to get to know you better at the next company function,

sincerely,

X

 

He is also married. I am looking for non-judgemental advice. First of all,

Can you married men out there explain his response? Sould I be reading anything into this?

 

By the way,

I am an attractive woman. Last time boss man saw me I looked pretty good, but he has not seen me in more than 5 months and now I have lost some weight and had a makeover(no plastic surgery) and I look fantastic now, after months of excercise and changing my dress and makeup, etc.

 

Plese tell me how to handle this.

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RecordProducer

Are you divorcing your husband or thinking about divorcing him? By starting a relationship as a married woman you will gain nothing good. You even hit on a married man, because you feel yourself as a married woman. If your marriage is bad and you want to get out of it then get divorced first. Doing things like this behind your husband's back are really not... lady-like, so to say.

Since you wrote an email to your H's boss, now he will use you for sex whenever you're in the mood for it. Cuz that's what married men do: lie, cheat, and play with women. Read some of the threads in the other woman/other man forum just to see what MM do.

How about fix your life? Divorce and find a single man. If you're attractive you can find many dates. I only hope you're smart as well and won't do anything stupid like email you husband's bosses you're interested in them! :D:p

When you get divorced, subscribe to some dating sites and then you can email men. They will email you as well. ;)

Do you have any children? Can your marriage be fixed or is it that bad?

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LucreziaBorgia
Originally posted by SexKitten

don't end one bad thing to jump into another bad thing.

 

Especially when there's no guarantee he's going to jump out of his 'bad thing'. I've seen more than a few women walk out of marriage expecting their MM to do the same and he just doesn't.

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Originally posted by turningleaf

:o [font=times new roman][/font][color=green][/color]I am very flattered, but a little uneasy about us meeting outside company functions. Given our current situations, I would like to get to know you better at the next company function,

sincerely,

 

 

[color=blue]I am very flattered, but a little uneasy about us meeting outside company functions.[/color] This means he is interested but he values his marriage and is not going to endanger it. That means he will not leave his wife for you. He values his marriage, if not his wife, and even if he falls madly in love with you, you will never be anything more than the 'other woman'. You may discover he's a jerk and lose interest in him, or you may become wildly, deeply in love with him--but he will not leave. And at the first hint of you causing trouble in the marriage, he will drop you.

 

[color=blue]I would like to get to know you better at the next company function,[/color] means he's interested in an affair--but wants to check you out to make sure you understand the terms: complete discretion and no disruption of his marriage.

 

I am very flattered, means he thinks this will be fun and is encouraging you to continue.

 

If he thinks you are married to your husband and going to stay married, he's probably interested. If you are going to be a single woman who pesters him to leave his wife, he might not be so interested. He's NOT looking to leave his marriage.

 

My advice: get your divorce and leave him alone. There is only heartbreak here. You ARE looking for something more than just a sexual fling. He's not. Find someone who really wants you for all of you.

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[color=blue]I am very flattered, but a little uneasy about us meeting outside company functions.[/color] This means he is interested but he values his marriage and is not going to endanger it. That means he will not leave his wife for you. He values his marriage, if not his wife, and even if he falls madly in love with you, you will never be anything more than the 'other woman'. You may discover he's a jerk and lose interest in him, or you may become wildly, deeply in love with him--but he will not leave. And at the first hint of you causing trouble in the marriage, he will drop you.

 

[color=blue]I would like to get to know you better at the next company function,[/color] means he's interested in an affair--but wants to check you out to make sure you understand the terms: complete discretion and no disruption of his marriage.

 

[color=blue]I am very flattered[/color], means he thinks this will be fun and is encouraging you to continue.

 

If he thinks you are married to your husband and going to stay married, he's probably interested. If you are going to be a single woman who pesters him to leave his wife, he might not be so interested. He's NOT looking to leave his marriage.

 

My advice: get your divorce and leave him alone. There is only heartbreak here. You ARE looking for something more than just a sexual fling. He's not. Find someone who really wants you for all of you.

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whichwayisup

How do you know 'something' would happen with him? Is he going to end his marriage too? Why would you end your marriage to just become the OW in his life and suffer being alone when he's with his wife/kids (does he have any? Do you?)at Xmas, holidays, weekends etc...

 

Man, you're putting yourself out there big time! Not a good situation. The fact he's your husband's BOSS too, that just makes the whole situation SO bad. Your H is gonna FLIP out when he finds out. We're talking this MM can and probably WOULD lose his job. Screwing his employee's wife? Even if you leave your H...That gossip factor is going to be really horrible.

 

Divorce your husband if you're not inlove with him anymore. Be on your own. Then pursue somebody who IS NOT married. Don't put yourself through all the heartache of attaching yourself to a MM. Isn't worth it.

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SweetSerenity

You're taking a big chance on emailing your husbands boss. What if he shows your husband that email?

 

Another thing is you need to realize that this is infatuation and as you get more involved with your MM, heh like I did mine and found it wasn't so flattering and neither was he the more I got involved, that you will more than likely lose all interest and find traits in him that you do not like. I say you need to figure out what you're missing in your marriage and work with your husband. I have done just that with my situation and am finding things to be getting better and better and better. I have completely pushed the MM out of my life, you will too eventually and they DO NOT LEAVE THEIR WIVES FOR THE OW. If they do the chances are slim that it will work out to be a fairytale ending.

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Cuz that's what married men do: lie, cheat, and play with women.
I hope you're not generalizing all of us here recordproducer.......Anyway, to the OP: Has your husband ever cheated on you? Have you ever cheated on him? Is he physically or emotional abusive to you or your children, (if you have any)......if the answer is no to all of these, you have no grounds for divorce in my opinion. Get off this trip that his boss is going to jeapordize his marriage for a piece of tail. It's just not going to happen.

 

Fix what's wrong in you marriage and get on with your life, WITH your husband.

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SweetSerenity

He may very well step out of the boundaries of his marriage with this girl, but the fact is and remains that she is putting herself out there in a very very very dangerous way. I mean has no one looked at that she EMAILD HER HUSBANDS BOSS. I mean this man could very well show her husband. Then there would be no chance to work on her marriage at all because most men, not all, will not tolerate that kind of thing. I am absolutely shocked that she emailed him.

 

People cheat everyday, cheating is for the sole purpose really of getting sexual gratification, later there might be feelings that get involved and then it becomes very sticky. However you don't know what this man will and will not do and to generalize him is not accurate.

 

RP you were seriously overreaching about all married men.

 

It's just infatuation but when real life sets in, and if he doesn't show her husband, those feelings will dissipate and you'll be just as unsatisifed as you are now. I say just let it go and not act. What you have is a crush. Those are normal but don't act on it.

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turningleaf

Hi to everyone who has replied so far-

 

First of all, I e-mailed Boss in early Feb. He sees H all of the time and nothing has been said.

 

I have NOT seen this man- I have only e-mailed him. I would not do anything without being unattached.

 

I have a soon to be 28 yr. old son. No little kids at home.

 

There are things in my marriage which cannot be fixed.

 

I have always been the one to say-NO Way!! not a MM!! Never!!

 

 

Well, then it happened to me, and I never expected it to happen.

 

I would like Moose's opinion on Boss's e-mail to me. I appreciate everyone's opinions it helps me.

 

Now lt's all have a group hug :p

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turningleaf

Hi again,

 

I wanted to add that neither H or I have cheated on ea. other. He does not drink, drug, or beat me.

 

I can count how many times in the years we've been together that he has made love to me, and if it were'nt for me initiating, we'd never have sex at all. Frankly, he is a horrible lover.

 

H loves me, an that is no doubt, but many things are lacking which I've been patient about for years. Now I don't have the patience anymore.

 

We had to file bankruptcy a couple yrs. ago due to his handling of money. We lost our house our rental house, he had to fold his Biz, and we had to relocate to another state.

 

He had lied to me about the money.

 

I have not had a care for more than 10 yrs.

 

I am in grad school working on my 2nd masters degree. I will be finished in 12- 18 mos., and desparate to have full time income again.

 

Where we came from, My education was not worth a damn due to the poor economy in Western New York State.

 

I have never flirted or hit on anyone else during my marriage, and I love H, but my feelings are no longer what they used to be.

 

I have had men flirt with me or try hitting on me, and I am not interested in that, I have not reciprocated the flirting to men who have done so.

 

I want a chance to feel like a woman again, and be excited about living.

My H does not like to socialize, and we have no common friends where we now live.

 

I am not a floozy or slut, I consider myself a class act, well educated, and working on a degree at a highly prestigious place.

 

Intellectually, my brain is right there with all of you when it comes to geting involved w/MM.

 

Heartwise, it is not so clear.

 

So, Moose- nice car. What is your take on the e-mail reply from boss man?

 

I really am dying to know.

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I am very flattered, but a little uneasy about us meeting outside company functions. Given our current situations, I would like to get to know you better at the next company function,

sincerely,

X

 

Sounds to me he's indicating that he's not happy in his marriage either and that you two share a common problem. But, I'd be very careful......these are just words. Yes, he's interested and probably thinks you're hot enough to have a relationship with, and to top that off, he knows you're vulnerable right now. So think of yourself as bleeding prey. An easy target. Like I said before, your best bet is to try and fix your marriage. So far you haven't listed anything that couldn't be worked on and fixed. Basically everything that's happened was in the past. You can't live with one foot in the past, and one foot in the future because then you'd be pissin' all over the present. Know what I mean?

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turningleaf

Hi Moose,

 

I know it sounds like things can be fixed, believe me, I've tried for much longer to work on my M to my H, actually have been trying for the past couple yrs.

 

Things have gone on for so long with no progress regarding intimacy, money, getting out of an apt. into a house, having friends, etc. etc.

 

I am not trying to soak H for everything and drop him. I will leave when I can support myself, I would like to try being separated for awhile.

 

I have had to do without so much for so long, it is really getting to me. I had to use student loan money to get clothes, and because does not by any decent clothes for himself, I spent loan money on him for clothes.

 

H does not take care of himself. I am very patient, but at what point do I give my happiness consideration? As far as intimacy goes, I have been putting in all of the effort, and it is no different.

 

It is difficult not having a car for over 10 yrs. H has his pick up for his work, and is getting a new SUV in a couple mos. WE live where I can take advantage of a metro system so public transit is good, but not having a car has its problems.

 

I do not go out and spend my H paycheck on clothes & makeup.

 

I do not run up charge cards. I used to have AAA credit, but H used MY credit to pay off Biz. & personal debts many yrs. ago, & my credit was murdered. I have to start all over again establishing it.

 

H is not a bad man, but has not been putting the amount of effort into our M that I think he should. H has procrastinated for yrs.

 

I have always been aware that a relationship takes lots of work, & both partners

have to work together, but it just is not so.

 

I am not trying to find an excuse to have an affair- I would not have one. I don't need the trouble.

 

I have enough self respect that I want to be loved without distraction. I do not want to sit around the house and pop bon-bons in my mouth. I want to work, but it would be nice to have some one fuss over me once and a while and spoil me.

 

My H is always reinforcing the negative- always finding excuses & obstacle for why we can't do something, or buy something, or go somewhere, etc.

 

Life sucks right now.

Thanks for the shoulder,

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whichwayisup

You love your H but you don't have those deep intense feelings...They're there, just hidden away and needs to be woken up.

 

Marriage councilling will help alot. I strongly suggest this.

 

Good luck.

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Ok, I see what you mean now. I hope it's ok with you if I adress each point, one by one. And I'm only doing this to show you the other end of the coin. This is only based on my personal experience, and isn't the say all end all......(can you tell I've been around here a while?)......

I know it sounds like things can be fixed, believe me, I've tried for much longer to work on my M to my H, actually have been trying for the past couple yrs.
Did you marry him under your own stipulations, or were you joined in Holy Matrimony? There's a difference. You're under contract, with God, to stick with him until death if you joined in Holy Matrimony. Besides.....where's the honor in bailing out of a marriage unless it's anything other than infidelity, or abuse?
Things have gone on for so long with no progress regarding intimacy, money, getting out of an apt. into a house, having friends, etc. etc.
Without knowing what all you've tried to break this circle, it sounds as if there's a communication problem happening here. It's either that, or laziness.....sorry for being so blunt.
I am not trying to soak H for everything and drop him. I will leave when I can support myself, I would like to try being separated for awhile.

This leads me to believe that you are feeling some guilt......are you guilty? I'm all for trial seperations, as long as the goal is to wake your spouse up to blind neglection.
I have had to do without so much for so long, it is really getting to me. I had to use student loan money to get clothes, and because does not by any decent clothes for himself, I spent loan money on him for clothes.
This is where I'll bring up your future goals that you've set for yourself. You're getting ready to have your own income. This is your opportunity to be a role model to your husband on how to handle money. There's alot more honor in setting a great example, rather than leaving with a bad taste in his mouth......
H does not take care of himself. I am very patient, but at what point do I give my happiness consideration? As far as intimacy goes, I have been putting in all of the effort, and it is no different.
Intimacy is crucial. Probably the most important ingredient in a happy, stable marriage/relationship. I'm surprised I don't get banned for this, and I should get paid commision for recommending this book sooooooo many times.......BUT, GET, "The Five Love Languages", do a google on it. Your Love Tank is Empty......and sounds like it has been. So much so that your husband is wayyyyy overdrawn. If you get this book, and follow it....you will find out for sure if it's worth sticking around, or if it's time to jet out.
It is difficult not having a car for over 10 yrs. H has his pick up for his work, and is getting a new SUV in a couple mos. WE live where I can take advantage of a metro system so public transit is good, but not having a car has its problems.
Well.....I have a problem with this. Maybe after the communication starts kicking in, he'll realize what he's doing wrong here......personally, Mrs. Moose drives the latest, more reliable transportation because it's obvious to her husband...(that would be me), that she and the children that she shuffles around are the most precious cargo I have in my life! And for the record......the cars I drive are not safe by any stretch of the imagination......obviously.
I do not go out and spend my H paycheck on clothes & makeup.
Mrs. Moose's Love Language is gifts. Again, I'm reverting back to what I said about that book. Get this, apply it, watch your husband respond to it. Or, it could also be that I'm feeling a sense of guilt from you.
I do not run up charge cards. I used to have AAA credit, but H used MY credit to pay off Biz. & personal debts many yrs. ago, & my credit was murdered. I have to start all over again establishing it.
Again, your opportunity to live be example with your own source of income......BUT......for goodness sakes, take all measures to keep him from tarnishing it again!
H is not a bad man, but has not been putting the amount of effort into our M that I think he should. H has procrastinated for yrs.
You two are suppossed to be one now......you can't transfer blame anymore. That something most married couples can't understand. Yes, it takes loads of effort........
I have always been aware that a relationship takes lots of work, & both partners have to work together, but it just is not so.
This is probably true.....from where you sit. Again, "The Five Love Languages", will most likely reveal where your husband sees things. He could very well believe that he's doing everything in his power to ensure your happiness, (in his mind), only you can re-establish the communication to shed some light on this.
I am not trying to find an excuse to have an affair- I would not have one. I don't need the trouble.
THANK GOODNESS FOR THAT.....unfortunatley....they do occur even though your full intention was prevention. (We are all human, and we make HUGE mistakes). I'm not excusing anyone, and I haven't stepped there.....but damn if I wasn't tempted to! ;)
I have enough self respect that I want to be loved without distraction.
I'm a full believer that EVERYONE is entitled to that. No matter what level of self respect one has. We all deserve that, and CAN have that......but that's another thread entirely.
I do not want to sit around the house and pop bon-bons in my mouth. I want to work, but it would be nice to have some one fuss over me once and a while and spoil me.
Trust me.......I know where you're coming from, ( I almost called you sister! ), but I'm already spoiled. I prefer to call myself blessed though. Again, this goes back to your love language. It's going to take some discovery, or re-discovery like WWIU was trying to point out to figure out why you're starving for this.
My H is always reinforcing the negative- always finding excuses & obstacle for why we can't do something, or buy something, or go somewhere, etc.
Could be depression, or a rut. Time to pour some fuel on the smoldering coals.......this can be done, I promise.
Life sucks right now.
This too, shall pass.
Thanks for the shoulder,
ANYTIME! This is my mission field ;)
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RecordProducer
Originally posted by RecordProducer

Since you wrote an email to your H's boss, now he will use you for sex whenever you're in the mood for it. Cuz that's what married men do: lie, cheat, and play with women. Read some of the threads in the other woman/other man forum just to see what MM do.

 

What's the matter with you, folks?! Didn't you figure that I was talking about MM who cheat?

It's completely in the context. I even refered to the Other man/other woman forum. Next time I'll draw pics. ;):p:D:confused:

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whichwayisup

Great post reply Moose!

 

I do hope that he comes around and makes more effort. Don't give up and I hate to say this...I don't mean to sound sexist or anything but (some) men aren't great at communicating, opening up and saying what they feel. Look for the little things he does for you. Even the smallest thing he does - TO HIM he may think that's showing how much he loves you. My husband is very affectionate most of the time, though when we go through our dry spells or when he's stressed out from work etc., he doesn't put in that effort. I look for the smaller things...He'll do the dishes after I make dinner. He'll do some laundry or fix something that needs to be fixed. Those count ya know.

 

I'm sure it's very frustrating to be the one putting in all the effort. It's a rut and a bad one too. Something needs to be shaken up. Suggestion - Why not come right out and tell your husband (don't say who) that another man has been flirting with you and you're tempted...You're not going to cheat but he better get his act together and WORK on the marriage, appreciate you, communicate and fix the distance between you two. See - SO many BS say that they only wish that they had a chance to fix the problems BEFORE an affair started. So right now you have this opportunity. Let him know HOW close you are and how desired you're feeling by somebody else... Yet you really don't want that 'somebody' else - You only want your Husband back. Anyway, up to you - Just an idea to think about. I think it could work though.

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  • 2 weeks later...

What you have is a failure to communicate why don't you try discussing with your husband what your needs are. I am not talking about the hinting around crap. What are you afraid of, it is something. You let your relationship get to this point and you should feel guilty. I mean e-mailing your husbands boss, think about how you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot.

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turningleaf

[color=red][/color]

Well, cowboyway,

 

You have not been in my shoes. If my husband was interested in somone else at this point, I would be happy for him if it was going to make him truly happy.

 

As for me letting my marriage get to this point, It is NOT my fault- I have directly spoken to H many times over many years about various problems, and nothing has worked. I don't hint around, that is too high school.

 

I have to think of my self eventually- If things do not work out between us, I cannot sacrifice my own happiness to stay in a relationship that is not growing and H is not pro-active in. This is something that did not happen over night as far as our relationship is concerned. The problems have been there for many years, and I haven't given up YET. I'd be interested to know why you are looking around this forum in the first place. Play nice.

 

I have never fooled around, and don't intend to. I would not initiate a relationship that would go further than an e-mail unless I was single again.

 

And last but not least, have you ever heard of the Golden Rule?

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DesertDweller

Regarding your decision to divorce: I disagree that marriage is a holy until-death-do-you-part agreement. Anyway, why should you be the one responsible for making everything better? It sounds like you'll be better off without him. As for the married man, I don't think I'd pursue that. Why is it your husband's boss? Do you think you're trying to get back at your husband? Also, I've found that it's easier to leave someone when you can focus on someone else. Just keep the married guy as a fantasy.

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turningleaf

Hi Desert Dweller,

 

I agree with you that marriage is not necessarily until death do you part- when the difficulties cannot be resolved through time, patience, communication and lots of work, both partners are left in a miserable situation.

 

Where H's boss is concerned, I would not try to'get back' at my H for any reason- I just found myself attracted to him. Nothing else has happened.

 

In the fullness of time, everything will work it self out as it should. In the meantime, I am going to continue to try working on my M with my H, but I know I will not martyr myself and continue unless we both can find our way together wholeheartedly to heal the problems.

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ConfusedInOC
Originally posted by Moose

I hope you're not generalizing all of us here recordproducer.......Anyway, to the OP: Has your husband ever cheated on you? Have you ever cheated on him? Is he physically or emotional abusive to you or your children, (if you have any)......if the answer is no to all of these, you have no grounds for divorce in my opinion. Get off this trip that his boss is going to jeapordize his marriage for a piece of tail. It's just not going to happen.

 

Fix what's wrong in you marriage and get on with your life, WITH your husband.

 

Agreed.

 

What she's doing here is possibly ruining two marriages, not just one. I don't understand why she doesn't work on what's wrong with her current marriage.

 

The grass always looks greener on the other side until you're there. Then you find out it has the same brown patches your other pasture had.

 

Find out what's wrong with your current marriage. Strive to fix the underlying issues. If they can not be resolved through counseling and working together, then do what you must. But in the meantime, fantasizing about a married man will only hurt any chance you have of reconciling your marriage.

 

So in order:

 

1) Work on your current marriage.

2) Try and resolve the underlying issues.

3) Seek counseling.

4) Leave the married man alone.

 

Again, read LOVE MUST BE TOUGH as you're a perfect candidate for the lessons taught in that book about how to fix a bad marriage.

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