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The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 17th March 2017, 1:17 PM   #16
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You did the right thing. And deep down, you know he is not trustworthy.
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Old 17th March 2017, 2:01 PM   #17
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Originally Posted by mightycpa View Post
My take on it is that but for the age difference, you screwed up.

People find themselves in unforeseen circumstances all the time. He was attracted to you, he crossed a line with you, and unlike 99% of other men out there:

I walked away from my almost fiancee over 25 years ago for the woman I'm married to today. The details of my story are different, but the arc of the story is the same as yours, except you said NO.

There are plenty of chances why it might not work out. He might have ended up hating you for all you know. But to fear he'd resent you because he left his fiancee for you? First, who would care at that point? and second, who rightly could blame you for a decision he made? It wasn't like you lobbied for it, or tried to trick him into it.

It sure can, because he would have made things right with her, and he would have done the right thing for you.

But he wasn't committed. He was on his way to commitment. He still had options. You're not married until you're married.

Let me remind you of one last thing:
There's a reason for that. In my opinion, you blew it. I'm thinking deep down inside, at least a part of you is with me on that.

Today, you're not happy, he's married to a woman he's not completely in love with (don't know why he did that, but that's on him) and she has a husband who's not completely in love with her, and he loves someone else, and she has no idea. It's all f*cked up for everybody.

Maybe you should have asked here in advance and gotten some different perspectives. Maybe it would have helped, maybe your decision would be better reinforced. Too late now.
I think maybe I did blow it. I just wasn't ready for it. The age difference is something I'm not necessarily concerned about so much. I agree that is is f*cked up for everybody.

I wanted to ask in advance but it was just one of those things I kept thinking I would figure out.

Thank you for your honest reply. I read it last night and it really helped me.
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Old 17th March 2017, 2:05 PM   #18
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Originally Posted by Darren Steez View Post
Poor decision 1. You didn't cut him off



Poor decision 2. You knew how he felt but you still hung out or visited him



Poor decision 3. Find it hard to believe that he invited both of you? Had you even met his fiancee or talked to her by this point? If so and you still went ahead and did what you did then... Poor decision 4



Poor decision 5. You still haven't cut him off even though he's now openly cheating on his fiancee and still getting married.



Poor decision 6



Poor decision 7 x 10000 You still went to the wedding!!


So no it wasn't one poor decision. It was a series, a catalogue of very well informed choices you made to continue on the path you did. Choices made knowingly and with all the information laid out in the plainest form. A man getting married to another woman, the same wedding you went to.
I agree with you completely. I didn't call it a mistake because it wasn't. It was a series of poor choices all strung together that I knew were wrong. I knew the girlfriend before I knew him. There is a large circle of friends I hung out with.

I should not have gone to the wedding. That was probably the hardest poor decision of them all.
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Old 17th March 2017, 2:11 PM   #19
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I agree, and whilst it is oh so flattering to think a guy loves you and he will do the whole Hollywood thing and ditch his "horrible" fiancée at the altar, questions need to be asked.

An honest straightforward decent guy would have realised he was attracted and stayed away in loyalty to his fiancée or he would have ended his engagement and then pursued the OP.

This guy is deceitful, conflict avoidant, and weak.
He was always straightforward with me that his fiancee wasn't horrible. He does love her and he said he saw the path very clearly before he met me. I asked him if he was happy with her. He said yes he is happy but he feels he could be happier with me.

I think I agree with you that if he was going to pursue me he needed to be 100% out of the engagement.

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Originally Posted by Ruffian1 View Post
And if you did commit, was he going to call off the wedding the night before?

Was he??

May I ask how old the poor woman he married is?
I assume he would have called it off. I cannot imagine doing that to someone the night before their wedding with all of their friends and family there. I think if it was going to end it needed to end before the big day.

His fiancee is 30.
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Old 17th March 2017, 2:20 PM   #20
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I cannot imagine doing that to someone the night before their wedding with all of their friends and family there. I think if it was going to end it needed to end before the big day.

His fiancee is 30.
He lacks empathy, and he likes 'em young.
You dodged a bullet.
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Old 17th March 2017, 2:47 PM   #21
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He lacks empathy, and he likes 'em young.
You dodged a bullet.
I think he knows he lacks courage. And he does like 'em young, clearly. It was just a very strange situation for me to be involved in. My moral compass generally speaking points north. I got myself into a situation I did not know how to get out of. Too bad there are no manuals on these things.
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Old 17th March 2017, 3:01 PM   #22
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And the ex that brought me to loveshack in the first place just walked into the coffee shop where I am writing.

I feel nothing for him. Everything comes full circle.
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Old 17th March 2017, 3:13 PM   #23
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...and he likes 'em young.
Who doesn't?
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Old 17th March 2017, 3:25 PM   #24
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My Aunt once said....You don't touch a kettle that has been heated on a stove or even when its taken off the stove.....Think about that and how it pertains to your situation.
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Old 17th March 2017, 9:47 PM   #25
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I assume he would have called it off. I cannot imagine doing that to someone the night before their wedding with all of their friends and family there
Wow. I am just speechless. If you would of said yes, he would have humiliated and destroyed his fiancé?

No doubt, he would have not told the truth, that he was cheating with you, but made up some lame excuse why he couldn't marry her.

Probably lay blame on her in some twisted way. On top of the profound hurt of being dumped at the alter.

You know, my heart just dropped into my stomach reading that . . . some people are just . . just . .

I have a feeling he will be back, sniffing around for you.
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Old 17th March 2017, 10:59 PM   #26
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sweets.

you dodged a bullet.

here are the facts - this man is 44 years old. this is NOT his 1st marriage. he's experienced and should have a mature outlook on love & relationships. the fact that he really married someone he was ready to leave at the altar speaks VOLUMES. he's 44 & he STILL isn't able to recognize a bad relationship and finish it for HIMSELF... on time. at the age of 44 - he's absolutely spineless. and there is no room for improvement anymore. he won't ever grow that spine.

there is nothing he can offer you.

absolutely nothing.

you'll realize that.

& don't be too hard on yourself. you screwed up, discovered you're a human and you'll move on. let this be just a footnote in your life.

Last edited by minimariah; 17th March 2017 at 11:05 PM..
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Old 18th March 2017, 8:30 AM   #27
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Listen to minimariah sweetie, she's absolutely correct.

In addition to everything that she stated you actually told him what you needed for you to be together, which was for him to leave his finance and come to you as a single man - he didn't do that, so no you didn't 'blow it" :roll eyes:

Its an assumption but one we see play out here over and over, I think that if you had of agreed to be with him he'd have got you into bed then the excuses of why he couldn't leave just yet would have started - otherwise why not have listened to you and have broken it off with her first?

I believe that if you act on your principles, which you have done; regardless of the outcome you can feel secure in knowing that you did the right thing for you and acted in line with your values. You did this, you should be proud of yourself, you can look yourself in the mirror and go to sleep at night knowing that you have done right - this is a precious thing.

I've no doubt that it hurts, but thats ok, you're allowed to hurt and it WILL pass.
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Old 22nd March 2017, 9:58 PM   #28
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Small update.

Wedding photos were posted today. They both look stiff and uncomfortable. It didn't hurt as much as I expected it to. He made his choice and I made mine.


I wrote a letter to him that I'm not going to send. It was cathartic to get it all out on paper but I know nothing good can come from contact with him. Besides, what is there really to say?

I won't have to see him until late July. I'm hoping that I'll be moved on when this occurs.

Thanks for all the replies. I appreciate it.
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Old 12th April 2017, 12:01 AM   #29
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Originally Posted by darkbloom View Post
And the ex that brought me to loveshack in the first place just walked into the coffee shop where I am writing.

I feel nothing for him. Everything comes full circle.
Be done with it once and for all
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Old 12th April 2017, 7:53 AM   #30
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You absolutely did the right thing. This man doesn't sound very good at loving anyone-- he wasn't going to walk away uncommitted-- but was willing to take either partner. You were very smart. His poor wife.
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