HadMeOverABarrel Posted March 5, 2017 Share Posted March 5, 2017 (edited) Hello. I might be accused of crazy for this, but I just discovered xMM has a second cell phone that I never knew about. Last couple of days he's been on my mind too much and has been sad for me. I don't know why after 5 months NC I had such a bad couple of days and wish I just didn't think of him at all ever again. Well tonight, as I was randomly web surfing, he popped into my head and I randomly wondered his wife's birth year (like I thought I remembered it but wanted to verify). Why? No idea...random thought. I remembered that I had seen it online when I searched their home phone number months back when I was thinking about outing xMM. Found a site online with it, clicked on site, was amazed and disturbed by how much personal information is so readily available online. Searched same sight for xMM (strictly curiosity), and BAM! There was a number under his name that I didn't recognize. Here is where my curiosity killed the cat: I dialed it from a google voice (unknown number) account, and he answered (at about 11pm)! I had my side on mute. What possessed me to do this? I really don't know, but realize it probably sounds crazy. Anyhow, I'm now wondering if the cell number he used with me (a number from the state he used to live in about 17 years ago and still has family there) was a burner phone and I never knew it. The number I found tonight is a local number (btw, when I reverse searched it, it showed registered to a different last name with a male and female attached--someone unrelated to him but who knows if this is another AP for him or used to belong to someone else long time ago). Both numbers are cell phones for sure per internet search. I always thought it weird that his phone never had any voicemail set up on it. Why would any of this matter to me? Because if he actually used a burner phone all along, then I will be 99% confident that he was a "pro" cheater and user, which would end all illusions that whatever our "relationship" was turned out to be just him messing with my mind, heart out of cruelty. I've been trying to gain closure by making myself think this way, but the discovery of evidence (i.e. a burner phone from day one) would definitely put the nail in the coffin on any delusions about what this was. In short, I would have my closure in 2 seconds flat. Sorry for the long winded post, but what do you guys think about all the above? Edited March 5, 2017 by HadMeOverABarrel typo 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 5, 2017 Share Posted March 5, 2017 5 months of NC down the drain. When you google stuff, you find stuff and now you have stuff that is going to bother you for a long time, filled you up with questions you'll never know the answer to. Don't try to figure it out, it'll drive you nuts. Besides, the A is over, he's your exmm and it shouldn't matter what he does or doesn't do. By googling you just opened the door a crack to make him be back in your mind all over again. Next time you have a bad day, come here and post, don't google or worse reach out to him again. Please make yourself a promise, never snoop like this again, it serves no purpose in your life now. Go back into NC mode. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HadMeOverABarrel Posted March 5, 2017 Author Share Posted March 5, 2017 5 months of NC down the drain. When you google stuff, you find stuff and now you have stuff that is going to bother you for a long time, filled you up with questions you'll never know the answer to. Don't try to figure it out, it'll drive you nuts. Besides, the A is over, he's your exmm and it shouldn't matter what he does or doesn't do. By googling you just opened the door a crack to make him be back in your mind all over again. Next time you have a bad day, come here and post, don't google or worse reach out to him again. Please make yourself a promise, never snoop like this again, it serves no purpose in your life now. Go back into NC mode. I hear you, but emotionally I feel no different for looking--except possibly better to realize some truth about my situation. It's kind of like when I reviewed my ex-bf's phone records just after we broke up (years back) and discovered he had continue to talk with the girl he cheated on me with for months and months after he said he stopped. After that discovery, I was so over him forever. I don't feel like I broke NC bc really I just dialed to see if it was a valid number. I know that may be wierd. What I feel most is I just want to feel nothing anymore for this d-bag. Whatever it takes, I just want to feel apathy about the whole thing. If he actually had a burner from day one, I will definitely be SO OVER HIM! I just want my life back like it was before I met him. Thanks for the reply. Hugs! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 5, 2017 Share Posted March 5, 2017 My point really is, by snooping on some level you DID break NC. You heard his voice. You called him. All that hard work you did for so many months is damaged because now he's in your head. You're gonna think about this and him, wonder about it all etc..etc.. NC also means doing NC in your head. Well I hope it helps you move forward and forget all about him. He's not worth any of your thoughts! 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HadMeOverABarrel Posted March 5, 2017 Author Share Posted March 5, 2017 My point really is, by snooping on some level you DID break NC. You heard his voice. You called him. All that hard work you did for so many months is damaged because now he's in your head. You're gonna think about this and him, wonder about it all etc..etc.. NC also means doing NC in your head. Well I hope it helps you move forward and forget all about him. He's not worth any of your thoughts! The crappiest thing is I haven't been able to get him out of my head recently and I'm almost desperate to do so. I even thought about popping in on him demanding answers (but won't bc I realize I wouldn't get the answers--even if he didn't freak out he'd probably lie his butt off). Besides, hanging on to a shred of my dignity with this has kept me going throughout my recovery. I've been thinking about how much of my time/energy/etc this has wasted and I'm frustrated with myself for him being on my mind. It's not that I miss him so much as it's that I'm trying to come to terms with how so insignificant my contribution was to him. That infuriates me because he placed so little value on something that I highly value. This is probably something I need to head back to IC to explore to get over the anger. A friend of mine is taking me Thurs night to a healing type workshop and she says I should be over him and the A by the end of the workshop. I hope so! I also hope my snooping makes me see him as more of a d-bag, so while I know what you are saying is well-founded by reading tons of posts here, I hope it takes me further from the pain and illusions rather than closer to them. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted March 5, 2017 Share Posted March 5, 2017 Ah, you've just discovered like most this wasn't a special thing but typical. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HadMeOverABarrel Posted March 5, 2017 Author Share Posted March 5, 2017 Ah, you've just discovered like most this wasn't a special thing but typical. So I guess your vote is: yes burner phone from day one then? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted March 5, 2017 Share Posted March 5, 2017 (edited) He's smart enough to to know about online phone records. Sounds like learned or polished skills. That comes from experience. Same with no voice mail. No evidence Might want to get an STD test. Edited March 5, 2017 by Marc878 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted March 5, 2017 Share Posted March 5, 2017 You weren't unique Time to move on Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 5, 2017 Share Posted March 5, 2017 You broke no contact only to discover that you weren't unique. And now, that's bothering you. But you know what they say, never trust a man who lies and cheats 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BourneWicked Posted March 5, 2017 Share Posted March 5, 2017 I don't know, I think it was worth your time. I agree that it's a lot easier to write off the whole thing as a horrible mistake when you realize that perhaps you are one in many - vs a one time stray from his marriage. I don't think all As can be painted with the same brush. That's like saying all people are exactly the same. Really, people cheat for a variety of reasons. Some stray once and learn a lesson - others spend their entire marriage in a one-sided, open relationship. Yes, having a separate cell phone for something like this sounds like cheater level: advanced. If latching onto that helps you hold strong and move on, by all means do so. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted March 5, 2017 Share Posted March 5, 2017 Maybe it's their home number, their landline? Stop cyber stalking, especially his wife. Nothing good will come of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HadMeOverABarrel Posted March 5, 2017 Author Share Posted March 5, 2017 Might want to get an STD test. No intercourse with him...I'll be counting my blessings once again on that one! Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted March 5, 2017 Share Posted March 5, 2017 (edited) Looks like he kept his old cell for shady communication and had a local cell for friends and family. Of course he didn't set up the voicemail. If he did, and his wife discovered the phone, she could then listen to the voicemails via the handset and he'd be busted with no believable lie to tell in the face of overwhelming evidence. Without voicemail, if she just found the handset, and he kept it clean, then he could just say "Huh, I thought that old line was disconnected... Nothing to worry over, dear." Edited March 5, 2017 by MJJean 2 Link to post Share on other sites
freengreen Posted March 5, 2017 Share Posted March 5, 2017 You are wasting too much time and emotion on him. He might as well had forgotten your number while you are thinking about him too much. When ever you get these thiughts, do something else and remind yourself that its a waste of time. Link to post Share on other sites
Lovetoo Posted March 5, 2017 Share Posted March 5, 2017 Wow! That is very sad. You got me thinking. My guy had no vmail either. Anyway, at least you didn't call him or text him. When I go through thoughts rough few days of thinking about him. Well I think about him everyday, but usually before I contact him I go through a couple or few days of planning to reach out then finally one day I do. And it always ends. Ad just about for me. Not always but mostly. I think this has made me better. Talking about it to ppl in the same situation at the same time. Am I naive to think that? I just want to be done. Give it to God and never give it energy. At all. Maybe he has a work and personal phone. Or maybe like you said, he's a master player. In that case, very sad. Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted March 5, 2017 Share Posted March 5, 2017 I'm going to call it this way...it wasn't curiosity. He's been in your head, and you wanted a fix. So you googled him, then called the number and hung up. You scratched the itch. Was it worth it? Listen, I've BTDT. I get it. But I agree with whichway...NC means no googling and especially no calling. Because now you're all worked up about how many phone numbers he had instead of focusing on your healing. Focus forward, not back. GL. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 5, 2017 Share Posted March 5, 2017 I don't know if he was a player or a serial cheater or not but a quick Google of "How to Not Get Caught Cheating" or some similar phrase will answer any questions any "amateur" may have. How to Not Get Caught Cheating #7 Buy a prepaid cell phone. A prepaid cell phone would allow you to communicate with your affair freely without worrying about the charges showing up on a monthly phone bill. However, it’s highly risky because being caught with a strange, secret phone would make even the most trusting partner wonder. If you do use a prepaid cell phone, be incredibly careful about not getting caught with it.Have an excuse prepared just in case your partner does end up finding it. You might say that a colleague left it behind in the office and you forgot to drop it off to them on your way home, for example. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HadMeOverABarrel Posted March 5, 2017 Author Share Posted March 5, 2017 You are wasting too much time and emotion on him. He might as well had forgotten your number while you are thinking about him too much. When ever you get these thiughts, do something else and remind yourself that its a waste of time. These thoughts are consuming so it's overwhelmingly difficult to do those other things that I really would much prefer to do. Sometimes I give in to the thoughts hoping that if I don't ignore and walk through them they will go away. Feel to heal. Continue to suppress and they will continue to pop up. Maybe I'll get so sick of the thoughts that I won't think them anymore--I've come close a couple times this weekend (especially feeling the breeze and sun on my face and remembering those days before xMM when something like that would make me smile pleasantly/warmly/contentedly). I've tried to suppress--it's a short-term only solution. I'm not pining for him, I'm pining for resolution of all the crappy feelings over the whole thing. I'm pining for my peace and for the person I was before all of this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HadMeOverABarrel Posted March 5, 2017 Author Share Posted March 5, 2017 Wow! That is very sad. You got me thinking. My guy had no vmail either. Anyway, at least you didn't call him or text him. When I go through thoughts rough few days of thinking about him. Well I think about him everyday, but usually before I contact him I go through a couple or few days of planning to reach out then finally one day I do. And it always ends. Ad just about for me. Not always but mostly. I think this has made me better. Talking about it to ppl in the same situation at the same time. Am I naive to think that? I just want to be done. Give it to God and never give it energy. At all. Maybe he has a work and personal phone. Or maybe like you said, he's a master player. In that case, very sad. Interesting that your MM had no vm either. Btw, IC=individual counseling (to answer your q from your own thread). Hoping you get to recovery and don't contact your MM again. You should get IC to see what keeps you going back. You are seeking something in him that you need to give yourself (I learned this from my own IC and it's probably time I go back for more). I think I jumped my own thread. lol Link to post Share on other sites
Author HadMeOverABarrel Posted March 5, 2017 Author Share Posted March 5, 2017 I'm going to call it this way...it wasn't curiosity. He's been in your head, and you wanted a fix. So you googled him, then called the number and hung up. You scratched the itch. Was it worth it? Listen, I've BTDT. I get it. But I agree with whichway...NC means no googling and especially no calling. Because now you're all worked up about how many phone numbers he had instead of focusing on your healing. Focus forward, not back. GL. I have to say it really had nothing to do with wanting anything from him. The only thing I really would ever like is an apology but I know I'll never get it. Strangely when I heard him say, "Hello hello," his voice did nothing for me. He just sounded like an ordinary, perhaps cranky, dude. I was surprised at how I didn't get the tinglies I used to get when speaking with him...and that is good! I'm glad I learned this. It's like another piece of the puzzle that says, yeah this guy is definitely a XXXX and not who I thought he was. It still hurts, but brings me a little more into the light of truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HadMeOverABarrel Posted March 5, 2017 Author Share Posted March 5, 2017 Also wondering, without starting a separate thread hopefully, how other xOW/xOM felt at 5 months NC. Am I more hung up than normal? Do I need to go back to IC/support groups? Or have I just had a rough couple days that are part and parcel of the healing process? Did I suppress some of the emotion from earlier NC and it's come bubbling up to the surface to heal now because I'm more ready for it?? This is my 5 months NC poem (part of it is crude and I'm still angry for the deceit and manipulation): I did right to ignore, he's just somebody now not a friend or a lover anymore. Just another stranger that walks by you who couldn't care less if you're in love or feeling blue. Hardest thing is the questions left unanswered The things never said The memories that never happened Whatever was is now dead It's lovely and sick Now I realize you were just a dick Hollow on the inside You were just looking for a free ride. You offered only your dick but even that you would not give What you really were after was destroying me so you'd live. You're emotionally bankrupt always looking for yet another to fill you up You bruise all you touch because you are so corrupt. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 5, 2017 Share Posted March 5, 2017 Wow! That is very sad. You got me thinking. My guy had no vmail either. Anyway, at least you didn't call him or text him. When I go through thoughts rough few days of thinking about him. Well I think about him everyday, but usually before I contact him I go through a couple or few days of planning to reach out then finally one day I do. And it always ends. Ad just about for me. Not always but mostly. I think this has made me better. Talking about it to ppl in the same situation at the same time. Am I naive to think that? I just want to be done. Give it to God and never give it energy. At all. Maybe he has a work and personal phone. Or maybe like you said, he's a master player. In that case, very sad. She did call him, he answered the phone and she hung up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HadMeOverABarrel Posted March 5, 2017 Author Share Posted March 5, 2017 She did call him, he answered the phone and she hung up. LOL! No mercy here. (Correction, I waited for him to hang up. Teasing!) I still don't feel like I broke NC bc it was not my intent to contact...I just wanted to know if this was a real number...which in itself is problematic I realize. In the moment, I still wanted to feel I had the "option" to tell BS, and yeah that's still messed up. And I am glad to discover another part of his ruse, to help stop my fantasizing about him as this amazing man I was meant to be so in love with. You are a great accountability partner. I wish you were local to work out with me at the gym! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jennifernyc84 Posted March 5, 2017 Share Posted March 5, 2017 It all boils down to the fact that no matter what we think, we can't ever! Trust a married man who is cheating with us. If he's lying to his wife, the woman he made vows to, why in the world would he be truthful to us? I say yes, you probably had a bogus number on him the whole time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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