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He wants to do the right thing ending the affair


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I better start from the beginning. I have been in an EA and PA for the last almost 6 years with a MM. He has been married 25 years, He ended it 4 months ago, because it was their anniversary and he wanted to do the right thing towards his wife as well as me. We have been back and forth during those months and he keeps contact even if he is very, very guilty. I keep letting him in although I know, I shouldn't... I love him dearly. I miss him and I need him even if my rational mind keeps saying to me this is unhealthy. I obviously cannot keep going on like this, hoping that he will change his mind.

 

Was it all a lie for all those years? Since he can cut a person off like this or is it genuine guilt? And if so, why did he stay for such a long time with me if he loves his wife?

 

I have nightmares that he has found somebody else that can give him the attention and excitement that I gave him. I am afraid to let go and yet, I hate that I keep missing Him. Please help with some advice - l am falling apart from all this mess :-(

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For your own sanity you need to stop him from coming in and out of your life.

 

You've spent 6 years years in a relationship with nothing to show for it. No engagement, no marriage, no children. Everything is done on the down low...aren't you fed up and worth more than this?

 

Is this what you want your life to be? Him progressing with his life... With wife... Kids growing up and you're just there waiting for when he can fit you in.

 

Aim higher for yourself and think more of yourself, or nobody else will, especially not a man.

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Thanks, your reply made me cry - it strikes a chord. I honestly do not even know if I am cut out for, or even want marriage and kids. But I guess that I miss some sort of commitment.

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eye of the storm
I better start from the beginning. I have been in an EA and PA for the last almost 6 years with a MM. He has been married 25 years, He ended it 4 months ago, because it was their anniversary and he wanted to do the right thing towards his wife as well as me. We have been back and forth during those months and he keeps contact even if he is very, very guilty. I keep letting him in although I know, I shouldn't... I love him dearly. I miss him and I need him even if my rational mind keeps saying to me this is unhealthy. I obviously cannot keep going on like this, hoping that he will change his mind.

 

Was it all a lie for all those years? Since he can cut a person off like this or is it genuine guilt? And if so, why did he stay for such a long time with me if he loves his wife?

 

I have nightmares that he has found somebody else that can give him the attention and excitement that I gave him. I am afraid to let go and yet, I hate that I keep missing Him. Please help with some advice - l am falling apart from all this mess :-(

 

Welcome to LS.

 

My advice. Stop thinking about his thoughts, his feelings. They don't matter. Only yours does.

 

For example, why does it matter how he could be with you for so long if he loves his wife? He was with her the same amount of time, so how could he love you? See? It doesn't matter. He may or may not love his wife. What matters is he chose her.

 

You are having nightmares he found someone else because you know he is not capable of being faithful. Not to her, not to you.

 

You are afraid to let go. I understand. I was with my MM for about 6 years too. Its scary to let go of something that has been around for so long. He is a habit.

 

But every day smokers quit, addicts quit, and you can too. Just because he is a habit does not mean he was good for you. It does not mean you should stay. It just means you spent a lot of time on something you shouldn't have.

 

He chose her. You need to now chose you. Spend time on something that makes your life better.

 

Go NC. Complete and total NC. It hurts in the beginning, but if you maintain it you will heal much faster.

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You don't have to want marriage and kids. You just have to want a life lived in the light of day. Not in the shadows.

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I better start from the beginning. I have been in an EA and PA for the last almost 6 years with a MM. He has been married 25 years, He ended it 4 months ago, because it was their anniversary and he wanted to do the right thing towards his wife as well as me. We have been back and forth during those months and he keeps contact even if he is very, very guilty. I keep letting him in although I know, I shouldn't... I love him dearly. I miss him and I need him even if my rational mind keeps saying to me this is unhealthy. I obviously cannot keep going on like this, hoping that he will change his mind.

 

Was it all a lie for all those years? Since he can cut a person off like this or is it genuine guilt? And if so, why did he stay for such a long time with me if he loves his wife?

 

I have nightmares that he has found somebody else that can give him the attention and excitement that I gave him. I am afraid to let go and yet, I hate that I keep missing Him. Please help with some advice - l am falling apart from all this mess :-(

 

Okay so right out of the gate here is some questions and I hope to point you to the questions you should be asking of yourself. Let's put the whole being in a relationship with a married man aside for this post and focus on YOU

 

You say he ended it 4 months ago, right? Is staying in contact off and on whether he is guilty and you allow it during these 4 months, really ending it or just a different gear of the overall fantasy relationship.

 

It really isn't ending it, he just took and slowed it down and put you in a smaller box. Compartmentalized further in his mind. And you allowed it. Why did you do this?

 

You say it was because of their anniversary and he wanted to go back into his marriage. Really, you believe that an adulterer woke up on a special day of the calendar and decided since it is Oct 3rd I should become better. I suspect his wife had been confronting him or questioning him and he needed to go underground. (Compartmentalize and put you back in a smaller box). How is this best for you? Or is it a sign he really doesn't care how this affects either his wife or you. Only special snowflake in his life is himself.

 

You say you miss him and need him. Do you really need him? Or is it the thought of him, the attention from him, the ego and self worth that gets pumped up from him. It won't last when you take any of those away because it isn't real, it is a projection of a real relationship on something built on lies and secrecy. What is empty inside yourself that is being filled by him that causes you to behave and or treat yourself or allow you to be treated this way?

 

You say you love him dearly, is it the projection of love? What exactly shows you that you love him? You only see what he wants you to see and only experience what he wants you to feel and experience and you fail to hold him accountable to his word and demand actions. You allow yourself to be in that box and don't care how small it is as long as it is his box. How can true love and devotion between a couple be built on half, 1/4, fraction of a partner. Do you fall for a person you only know a fraction of, WHY? Think co dependent issue or fear of abandonment. Look inside to WHY. You deserve to be treated with respect and as a person. You deserve better.

 

Was it a lie all those years you ask? Yes. Because he only showed you want he wanted and knew you wanted to see. You didn't get the whole story of him or you didn't allow yourself to even look at who this man really is and what he is capable of treating people like. You always saw him as a good guy right? Is he really? He is lying to someone every text, ever call, every moment with you. So what makes you special when he lies to you because he has to do something with his family. Oh yes he has done this I would bet money on it.

 

You ask why he stayed for so long if he loved his wife. Easy because you allowed it. And he was getting those ego kibbles and props to his self worth and self image each text, call, or moment with you. Why are you trying to see yourself special or compare yourself to his wife and their relationship here? What are you trying to fill inside yourself by this?

 

He hasn't cut you off, because he hasn't gone pure 100% NC, he just put you in that box and compartmentalized you for now. Because he only cares about how he feels and what is best for him. Is this truly a person you want to be with?

 

You have nightmares about if he found another person to have an affair with. What says he didn't all along? Prostitutes, tinder, adult sites, bars, whatever the source is. Why again are you trying to be that special snowflake? What causes you to treat yourself this way, what is missing? A real relationship maybe? We learn from our mistakes unless we keep repeating them.

 

Excitement you gave him you say. At what cost? How do you feel now about yourself and your behavior and overall emotional health. What opportunities for a real relationship have you missed or what years have been wasted on this fantasy drug ego exchanges. What has been your cost for this excitement you gave?

 

You are a wreak because you allow it and are fine being treated like this because this is all you feel you can get or deserve. Honey you are worth so much better, you deserve to be treated as a human being and a person with feelings. You are making those ups and downs filling and emptying those buckets. Stop. Find out your WHY and what is missing inside.

 

Have you read Rene Brown gifts of imperfection. Might help finding out what those empty buckets are.

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Wanted to add;

 

And yes it was a fantasy relationship. You might have projected it to be real but honestly did you see any of the bad? Only the good I assume.

 

Like;

 

When he is sick, tired, or cranky. Or did he just say he was "busy" and you went to that box.

 

Left the toilet seat up, used all the toothpaste from the top of the tube, refused to clean, forgot to pay bills, talked about bills, left his skid marked underwear out, didn't shower for a day or two. Except I am sure he talked about his grips which you consoled him and helped him. What a pal but dealing with the ins and outs of living together and having a real relationship is much much different.

 

Think, list, see the fantasy and projections you did. It was a bubble relationship.

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Thanks, your reply made me cry - it strikes a chord. I honestly do not even know if I am cut out for, or even want marriage and kids. But I guess that I miss some sort of commitment.

 

You are cut out for it, there is nothing to it. Just have to be in reality and honest. Out of the shadows type thing. And you must find a person who wants the same. And demand such.

 

You miss commitment because it makes you feel safe, makes you feel loved, makes you feel wanted, and it is easy because you don't have to worry about being alone or unwanted. So you are taking anything you can get and there are guys out there who will help you fill those empty buckets and keep you in a box for their own selfish needs.

 

There is someone for everyone but if you waste your time being treated like crap because you allow it your going to miss those genuine opportunities to have that real relationship. And all those wonderful genuine years enjoying that relationship.

 

Find out what you want from life for yourself and what you don't want. Then act.

 

Becaue boy oh boy you deserve so much better of yourself. You just need to find that switch to say enough is enough today is my day to change my life. And you are either in it or not. You either treat me as a human being with feelings or not. But if your not get OUT!

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Honestly, I would have loved to deal with him, warts and all. It is kind of a big deal that I do not get to deal with his skid marks and cholesterol meds. I wanted to be a part of that too and all the rest.

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Honestly, I would have loved to deal with him, warts and all. It is kind of a big deal that I do not get to deal with his skid marks and cholesterol meds. I wanted to be a part of that too and all the rest.

 

What about when he cheats on you, because he did that with his wife with you. That part?

 

P.S. Go out there and make a real man, genuine man, really really happy. And help him with his moles and warts. There out there. You just have been missing the opportunities dealing with 1/1000000 of a man and 1/100000 of a real relationship.

 

Best wishes.

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For your own sanity you need to stop him from coming in and out of your life.

 

You've spent 6 years years in a relationship with nothing to show for it. No engagement, no marriage, no children. Everything is done on the down low...aren't you fed up and worth more than this?

 

Is this what you want your life to be? Him progressing with his life... With wife... Kids growing up and you're just there waiting for when he can fit you in.

 

Aim higher for yourself and think more of yourself, or nobody else will, especially not a man.

 

I wish there was an applause smilie. Do not waste any more time in this kind of "relationship". You deserve far better.

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Everyone so far - I am overwhelmed by your responses and they are very helpful. I have to come to terms with me and my issues here, and why I keep caring so much for him. Maybe those big puppy eyes keep sucking me back but I need to get a firm grasp of realities...

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FoundMyStrength
Honestly, I would have loved to deal with him, warts and all. It is kind of a big deal that I do not get to deal with his skid marks and cholesterol meds. I wanted to be a part of that too and all the rest.

 

So did I, so do most OW. But the truth is, he is choosing her. He always did choose her. She's his life partner, warts and all. He may be bored, frustrated, in need of extra support or reassurance, or whatever else is driving this EA, but *she* is his partner. You deserve more than to be placed in a little box that gets opened every time he needs a little boost in his life.

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Thanks, your reply made me cry - it strikes a chord. I honestly do not even know if I am cut out for, or even want marriage and kids. But I guess that I miss some sort of commitment.

 

I didn't mean to make you cry Taxed. I just hate to see people wasting their time with selfish cheaters.

 

You don't have to want kids or marriage, but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't have a committed partner in your life. One who is faithful to you and won't risk your health by sleeping around.

 

Life's way too short to be someone's option, while they are your everything.

 

Don't give him the satisfaction of stroking his ego and having the pleasure of your company. Block and delete every which way and leave him to make a mockery of his marriage.

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Welcome to Love Shack, Taxed. You've come to the right place. Many of us have been where you are now.

 

Honestly, I would have loved to deal with him, warts and all. It is kind of a big deal that I do not get to deal with his skid marks and cholesterol meds. I wanted to be a part of that too and all the rest.

 

Yes, I do believe you would have. Recognize, however, that in all likelihood, he would not.

 

If I've read your story correctly, you are a single childless woman involved in a long term romantic affair with a married man - one leg of a love triangle, with this charming man at its apex.

 

In my experience, there is a fundamental asymmetry - of intention, honesty, commitment, and power - that exists between the single AP and the WS in such a triangle. While you appear to speak the same language, drawing from the same lexicon - you love each other; you long to be together; you wish you'd met earlier in life; and so on - these utterances have quite different meanings for the two of you. Suffice it to say that it is a great mistake to assume you understand what he really means when he says he feels for you the same way as you do for him.

 

Just as an example: for you, I suspect, the words "I love you" imply some sort of promise. For apex-man they do not.

 

Read just a few of the many sad stories here told by other single people who have found themselves ensnared in similar such long term romantic affairs, or google "love triangle married man" and you will start to see what I mean.

 

In short: you've dodged a bullet.

Edited by cloche
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Honestly, I would have loved to deal with him, warts and all. It is kind of a big deal that I do not get to deal with his skid marks and cholesterol meds. I wanted to be a part of that too and all the rest.

 

I never crossed that line when I was with MM, but I've wondered about it a lot since I ended things almost three years ago. We were together almost 7 years.

 

Give yourself time to heal. Are you able to get away and go off grid for a few days? This will help you decide if NC is the best for you. You might benefit from just some quiet time to think. It is pretty tough to move on if you don't go NC. I still have sporadic contact with MM and I think it is keeping me from moving on. I'd say for the first six months we still talked four days or more a week. 2.5 years after that, I'm just starting to have really good dates.

 

About five years ago, conservative Christian MM had a powerful sermon by his minister and asked to give up sex (with me) for Lent. His minister was encouraging everyone to make a legitimate sacrifice for God.

 

That was kind of the start of the end of things for me. We couldn't see each other then (or now) because I'm not good at telling him "no" and he's not good about not pulling me close and giving the most perfect kisses ever.

 

While his Lenten sacrifice was a real sacrifice for him, it just made me feel icky. Having sex with me was in the end so wrong, that it was a bad enough habit he had to see if he could give it up for God.

 

Lent is technically 46 days....Ash Wednesday to Easter Sunday. Some people argue that Sundays don't count and view Lent as 40 days only. We made it 41 days and he was happy with that. Minister gave the sermon on a Sunday 7 weeks before Easter. He's not Catholic, so the rules were sort of made up as he went along...

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HeCantBreakMe

I am not saying he isn't a jerk and hasn't been a complete ahole for the past 6 years (WOW by the way) but it sounds like he WANTS to and is ATTEMPTING to do the right thing by being a husband to his wife. Will he stick to it - chances are high he wont and he will be back because you are the crutch in his marriage but he is going to try. And what should you do- LET HIM.

 

You are in for one hell of an emotionally painful ride but he is asking you to let him go and you need to give him that - if you can't do it for you then do it for him. Let this be the drop in the bucket you need to walk away, cut the ties, NC, and get on with your life.

 

It sucks yeah but it will be worse if you go back and forth as he tries over and over to be a better man and push you out of his life. And really is that what you want to be - his bad habit he can't break, a crutch? Something he is trying to get away from? The choice is yours.

 

Good luck OP

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FoundMyStrength
While you appear to speak the same language, drawing from the same lexicon - you love each other; you long to be together; you wish you'd met earlier in life; and so on - these utterances have quite different meanings for the two of you. Suffice it to say that it is a great mistake to assume you understand what he really means when he says he feels for you the same way as you do for him.

 

Just as an example: for you, I suspect, the words "I love you" imply some sort of promise. For apex-man they do not.

 

Exactly. Someone on the forums once described it perfectly. When MM say "I love you" what they really mean is "I love the way you make me feel in this moment." They may future fake and fantasize about the rest, but there is no substance behind the ILY. They certainly say it with passion, but they are *not* one step away from leaving their life/wife.

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Oh the irony of a married Christian man giving up sex with his mistress for lent.

My WH pretty much stopped going to church with me while he was in the affair.

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I am not saying he isn't a jerk and hasn't been a complete ahole for the past 6 years (WOW by the way) but it sounds like he WANTS to and is ATTEMPTING to do the right thing by being a husband to his wife. Will he stick to it - chances are high he wont and he will be back because you are the crutch in his marriage but he is going to try. And what should you do- LET HIM.

 

You are in for one hell of an emotionally painful ride but he is asking you to let him go and you need to give him that - if you can't do it for you then do it for him. Let this be the drop in the bucket you need to walk away, cut the ties, NC, and get on with your life.

 

It sucks yeah but it will be worse if you go back and forth as he tries over and over to be a better man and push you out of his life. And really is that what you want to be - his bad habit he can't break, a crutch? Something he is trying to get away from? The choice is yours.

 

Good luck OP

 

True, I really do think that he wants to and that he has to do this for himself. I need to stop letting him in but he seems so unhappy. I need to find the strengh to stop this now because he has made his choice. So hard when he is right in front of me, crying.

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Exactly. Someone on the forums once described it perfectly. When MM say "I love you" what they really mean is "I love the way you make me feel in this moment." They may future fake and fantasize about the rest, but there is no substance behind the ILY. They certainly say it with passion, but they are *not* one step away from leaving their life/wife.

 

This should be a sticky in every OPs mind, together with Cloches description of the triangle dynamic.

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I never crossed that line when I was with MM, but I've wondered about it a lot since I ended things almost three years ago. We were together almost 7 years.

 

Give yourself time to heal. Are you able to get away and go off grid for a few days? This will help you decide if NC is the best for you. You might benefit from just some quiet time to think. It is pretty tough to move on if you don't go NC. I still have sporadic contact with MM and I think it is keeping me from moving on. I'd say for the first six months we still talked four days or more a week. 2.5 years after that, I'm just starting to have really good dates.

 

About five years ago, conservative Christian MM had a powerful sermon by his minister and asked to give up sex (with me) for Lent. His minister was encouraging everyone to make a legitimate sacrifice for God.

 

That was kind of the start of the end of things for me. We couldn't see each other then (or now) because I'm not good at telling him "no" and he's not good about not pulling me close and giving the most perfect kisses ever.

 

While his Lenten sacrifice was a real sacrifice for him, it just made me feel icky. Having sex with me was in the end so wrong, that it was a bad enough habit he had to see if he could give it up for God.

 

Yes, it is the wrongness of it all that got to MM too and it makes me sad. Who wants to be compared to a bad habit.

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True, I really do think that he wants to and that he has to do this for himself. I need to stop letting him in but he seems so unhappy. I need to find the strengh to stop this now because he has made his choice. So hard when he is right in front of me, crying.

 

He's crying? Jeez, what a looser. Say it aloud, a man is crying over a mistress. Talk about a lack of masculinity. Does his wife know what a wimp he is?.

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FoundMyStrength
Yes, it is the wrongness of it all that got to MM too and it makes me sad. Who wants to be compared to a bad habit.

 

Can't help but smile (wryly) at this. As I began putting NC into place, my xMM did, in fact, literally call me a bad habit. I was apparently the equivalent of sneaking a cigarette when he wasn't supposed to. Little did he know that that oh-so-loving comparison would put the final nails in the NC coffin.

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