LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > The Other Man / Woman

He wants to do the right thing ending the affair


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

Like Tree143Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 8th February 2017, 4:41 PM   #46
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by Southern Sun View Post
Be careful. This doesn't sound like the end to me.

All I know is that every time MM and I "agreed" to end...we didn't. Especially when we talked about how much we still felt towards each other.

I'm not downing the step you took or anything like that...I get how hard it is. I'm just saying that it seems like these amicable endings where everything is nice and sweet and you are still soft towards each other...they just don't seem to work. Things usually only end when one person goes cold. It's the natural course of things. Right now, since everything is nicey-nicey, one of you will generally go back - he will reach out to you to check in, or vice versa. Then something will happen and the A is temporarily back on, or it just leads to hot and cold and confusion. And the cycle begins again. It literally goes like this until ONE of you becomes SICK of it and just says - enough!

And that's how these things end. Usually.

Just warning you. ESPECIALLY if you have reason to see each other. Which it sounds like you do.
You are absolutely right! you have toyank urself off
HeartbrokenDec29 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th February 2017, 4:46 PM   #47
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by Taxed View Post
Yes, and it scares me.
Pls Taxed, i plead wth you this is your life. Already youmight feel like a second option already and feelingsof being used on all levels may linger but dontlet him use you again as an emotional pillow while he repairs things with his wife...


That will basically break you fnally cos one day he will just cease contactwith you when things are fine or he has found someone else
HeartbrokenDec29 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th February 2017, 5:02 PM   #48
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,022
Quote:
Originally Posted by Taxed View Post
Thank you and yes, we have a reason to see eachother because of work, which seems to be the case for so many of us on this forum. Absolutely stupid and so often with dreadful consequences. You are so right about the temptation still being there, Southern Sun but I cannot - we both cannot - do this anymore and staying in any form of romantic contact will only prolong the misery. The illusion, the fantasy, is gone - he wants to save his marriage and his relationship with his children and there cannot be any room for me in this. He seemed very genuine and I have to respect his decision - I cannot let my emotions or desires guide me anymore. It hurts like hell right now but I am confident, that it will all turn out better. I have to. The alternative is too dark.
Glad you're ready. Just be prepared to be the one to hold the line. You truly have to be done.
Southern Sun is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th February 2017, 6:38 PM   #49
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 552
Yeah, hold the line even when he doesn't. We "broke it off" a number of times but just couldn't be motivated enough to keep the distance. Then, one day, things were exposed and life = kablooey. You don't want that, especially when it involves your workplace, trust me.
Birdies is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th February 2017, 6:51 PM   #50
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 354
Quote:
Originally Posted by HeartbrokenDec29 View Post
That will basically break you fnally cos one day he will just cease contactwith you when things are fine or he has found someone else
Remember this when he reaches out, and tries to pull you back in. More than anything else, this is what got me to stop and go NC. I decided that I would rather end this painful journey on my terms than get iced out when my xMM got bored, lost interest, or decided to refocus on his marriage.
FoundMyStrength is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th February 2017, 7:31 PM   #51
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Europe
Posts: 70
Just woke up in the middle of the night as I do a lot these days - I can really feel the anxiety coming on and I am trying to ride it off. You are all very helpful and I know this is how it ends even if every fibre of me misses him so much and wants to reach out. Even though it is very painful it would be even more painful to get my "fix" and then what - just more pain. I have attachment issues and I have always been terrified of being abandoned. Right now I feel dreadful, like I might as well be dead and that there is nothing left for me in this life. I know with my rational mind that this is just a reaction and I need to ride it out. Do any of you ever feel this way and have you found any useful techniques on how to cope with these feelings when they occur?
Taxed is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th February 2017, 7:38 PM   #52
Established Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 684
Quote:
Originally Posted by Taxed View Post
Just woke up in the middle of the night as I do a lot these days - I can really feel the anxiety coming on and I am trying to ride it off. You are all very helpful and I know this is how it ends even if every fibre of me misses him so much and wants to reach out. Even though it is very painful it would be even more painful to get my "fix" and then what - just more pain. I have attachment issues and I have always been terrified of being abandoned. Right now I feel dreadful, like I might as well be dead and that there is nothing left for me in this life. I know with my rational mind that this is just a reaction and I need to ride it out. Do any of you ever feel this way and have you found any useful techniques on how to cope with these feelings when they occur?
Yes. I'm starting meditation. I hope it doesn't sound hokey. But all I do is focus on my breathing when I feel like I'm going out of my head. The other thing I do is exercise. And journal. And I am learning to tell myself if I just ride it out, it will pass and it doesn't last forever. But you're right... it's more painful to get your fix and get more pain. But my emotions try to take over my logic all the time and I am working hard to change my thinking.
deadsoul is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th February 2017, 11:20 AM   #53
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Europe
Posts: 70
Quote:
Originally Posted by deadsoul View Post
Yes. I'm starting meditation. I hope it doesn't sound hokey. But all I do is focus on my breathing when I feel like I'm going out of my head. The other thing I do is exercise. And journal. And I am learning to tell myself if I just ride it out, it will pass and it doesn't last forever. But you're right... it's more painful to get your fix and get more pain. But my emotions try to take over my logic all the time and I am working hard to change my thinking.
It does not sound hokey at all - on the contrary, you seem to be on the right path, deadsoul. I am doing mindfulness and just tried EFT, Emotional Freedom Tapping, which calmed me down right away.
Taxed is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th February 2017, 6:33 PM   #54
Established Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 684
Quote:
Originally Posted by Taxed View Post
It does not sound hokey at all - on the contrary, you seem to be on the right path, deadsoul. I am doing mindfulness and just tried EFT, Emotional Freedom Tapping, which calmed me down right away.
I'm not familiar with that so I'm going to google

Thanks for saying I seem to be on the right path. It feels pretty rocky right now.
deadsoul is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th February 2017, 4:17 PM   #55
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Europe
Posts: 70
Just wanted to say, that I am angry - so, so angry. How do you cope with huge amounts of anger in a good and constructive way? Why do we have so many threads on The Other Man / Woman forum where women are longing for these *******s. Why? Think about it - so much energy is spent on grieving "relationships" with these bastards, when so many good people are out there. Sorry, just really needed to vent today. I probably hate that I let him dictate my mood even if we are not in the A anymore.

Last edited by Taxed; 15th February 2017 at 4:19 PM..
Taxed is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th February 2017, 4:28 PM   #56
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 642
Quote:
Originally Posted by Taxed View Post
Just wanted to say, that I am angry - so, so angry. How do you cope with huge amounts of anger in a good and constructive way? Why do we have so many threads on The Other Man / Woman forum where women are longing for these *******s. Why? Think about it - so much energy is spent on grieving "relationships" with these bastards, when so many good people are out there. Sorry, just really needed to vent today. I probably hate that I let him dictate my mood even if we are not in the A anymore.
For me the anger has always been the worst- a driving emotion that is almost uncontrollable. I can control the hurt, the missing, the etc. but when the anger came it felt like I was choking inside and it had to come out.

I have found that working out VERY intensely helps me. Writing it out can be helpful to some. I also try to find a good book and get lost in it for a time. I do find it important to feel the emotion but eventually it should pass.

Though with that said be careful of the anger because at least for me, it was the most destructive of all the emotions that come to pass. I wanted to lash out at anything and everyone - I really had to examine the reasons for my anger and then use the techniques i mentioned above before i could let it go.
HeCantBreakMe is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th February 2017, 4:36 PM   #57
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Europe
Posts: 70
Quote:
Originally Posted by HeCantBreakMe View Post
For me the anger has always been the worst- a driving emotion that is almost uncontrollable. I can control the hurt, the missing, the etc. but when the anger came it felt like I was choking inside and it had to come out.

I have found that working out VERY intensely helps me. Writing it out can be helpful to some. I also try to find a good book and get lost in it for a time. I do find it important to feel the emotion but eventually it should pass.

Though with that said be careful of the anger because at least for me, it was the most destructive of all the emotions that come to pass. I wanted to lash out at anything and everyone - I really had to examine the reasons for my anger and then use the techniques i mentioned above before i could let it go.
Yes, it feels so all consuming - not good at all, even if it does feel empowering. It is so intense, and I have to learn to control it somehow. A good workout sounds like the ideal outlet for this type of energy.

Last edited by Taxed; 15th February 2017 at 4:40 PM..
Taxed is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th March 2017, 12:44 PM   #58
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Europe
Posts: 70
Update after entering therapy

Hi everyone - I appreciate all the advice and feedback I got from you guys so far. I do not know if I seek advice, but I felt it was time to update my own thread as I am gaining perspective and evolving since the break up with MM. As some may know, I started in therapy in the beginning of March. It is tough as H. Initially, I thought we would talk a lot about the hows and whys of the A but mostly the therapy centers around my feelings about myself. Seems like I have been seeking approval and affection from everybody else but myself for most of my life. The therapy method used is called ISTDP - short for Intensive Short Term Dynamic Psychotherapy.

You get in contact with your deepest emotions during the very intense therapy sessions and it has been a mindblowing experience for me. Looks like I have a lot to learn about myself and I wanted to ask if any of you guys have felt flashbacks after the A and how you dealt with them?

I was told that it is perfectly normal to deal with sorrow and sadness as a result of being in contact with the deepest memories of something very painful. For me it is the feeling of abandonment. Yesterday I went for a walk in the forest on a beautiful spring day and I was overwhelmed with feelings of intense sadness and longing for XMM. Maybe because some of the happiest and saddest moments with him happened during spring. Then the feeling passed, as the therapist said it would. However, it scares me not to be in control of these emotions. Maybe this is just a part of the journey and maybe I should post this in the Coping section of Loveshack, I do not know. But can anyone relate to sudden flashbacks and triggers related to the A after the break up and if so, for how long did you experience this?

Last edited by Taxed; 26th March 2017 at 12:50 PM..
Taxed is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th March 2017, 2:54 PM   #59
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 204
Intense feelings of longing and missing him come and go. As time goes by, it's less and less but, it still hits me few times a week. Even after 5+ months after the break up. It's just now longing for him is not as intense as it was before. It's more just loneliness, and need to love and be loved, have someone to talk to at the end of the day, share laughs, thoughts, etc. I guess enoghh time has passed, the fog is mostly gone, and I can see him and the A for what it truly was - the A, where two people made some very bad choices, living in lies and deceit with danger of hurting even more people around them. No, it wasn't once in the lifetime connection, soulmate stuff, born to be together crap, love of my life etc. Some feelings were real, but ultimately it was impossible.

I was angry for a quite some time, and found it very difficult, almost impossible to deal with. It was uncontrollable at times. I was angry at him, and even more at myself. It still comes, and I feel very helpless when I feel it but it doesn't last for days and weeks as before.

It gets better, and only time and hard work on yourself can heal it. But, it's hard...I know.

Don't give up!
Onlywhenitrains is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th December 2017, 1:57 PM   #60
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Europe
Posts: 70
A status: you need to treat the A like an addiction

Hi guys, it has been a while and I feel like I need to come in for an AA check up

So, this is how it is: I still work with this guy - everyone who has read the thread beforehand knows the background story.

I had a PA for more than 5 years and what I know also now from therapy and reading on Loveshack: an EA since 2010. Madness.

I started to realise some months ago that I need to treat this like an addiction, because I have had relapses three or four times untill August but nothing since. I have stood my ground because I now KNOW, how I need to treat this.

Allright - everyone in this situation: you need to cut ties, you have no choice. This POS is still trying to chase me, covertly, and what is absolutely maddening: people like this will keep right at it untill you set some very firm boundaries. This is what Hell feels like. Yes, I am in therapy.
Taxed is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
My affair is ending......maybe... Burger Chef The Other Man / Woman 30 7th August 2017 10:53 PM
1st day after ending affair ImMiserable The Other Man / Woman 6 9th August 2013 5:15 PM
how do i know if ending its the right thing to do? ummxoxo Breaks and Breaking Up 2 24th September 2009 10:00 AM
ending it the right way-is there such a thing??? newby The Other Man / Woman 10 5th February 2005 8:50 PM
I need help ending an affair! stfrocks The Other Man / Woman 10 23rd June 2004 2:36 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 6:11 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.