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He wants to do the right thing ending the affair


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 5th February 2017, 2:45 AM   #31
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Originally Posted by Sampson View Post
Not knowing anything about the context but being a grown man, I am going to venture out and say those man tears where more of a manipulation tactic
It is food for thought - when I pull away he gets very emotional, but only when I try to create and maintain a new distance. And I fall for it, hook and sinker. I am not so sure anymore that he wants what is in my best interest.
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Old 5th February 2017, 2:56 AM   #32
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One of the biggest factors in your recovery will be the length of time you have had MM in your life.

It was a huge chunk of your life and you will miss his presence sorely for a long time. You will come out the other end of this quite a different woman to the one who went in 5 years ago.

I speak from 8 years experience. I was too old to want children and have no intention of every marrying again. However, the A robbed me of time with friends, and most importantly family. I was living in isolation and fantasty land half the time.

The a held me back from making positive decisions about my future and generally having an authentic life with no upsets or emotional turmoil. I now feel I can hold my head high. There was a certain sleazy feeling I had about myself when I was the OW. That has gone.

I wish you well and hope you make the decision to go NC. Do not consider him at all. He hasn't considered you for all those years.

Poppy.
Thank you so much Poppy, I am not in a good state. I have not been sleeping well for months and so far, therapy and pets are the reasons I am still functioning. I did not isolate myself during the affair but I definetly continue to spend way too much energy fussing over him. I feel like isolating myself more these days because of the hurting and I need to be aware of that and stay alert.

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Old 5th February 2017, 4:00 AM   #33
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It is food for thought - when I pull away he gets very emotional, but only when I try to create and maintain a new distance. And I fall for it, hook and sinker. I am not so sure anymore that he wants what is in my best interest.
It's called Push Pull. Look it up. Your OM is not special at all.
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Old 5th February 2017, 12:33 PM   #34
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It's called Push Pull. Look it up. Your OM is not special at all.
Ok, so the dynamic of this is basically: if I pull away, he will pursue and vice versa? I asked him a couple of weeks ago if he was playing games with me and he denied that, got offended. Yet, I get that feeling that he needs to be in control.
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Old 5th February 2017, 12:37 PM   #35
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Why not block him? Then there will be no new pains or games.
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Old 5th February 2017, 1:16 PM   #36
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Ok, so the dynamic of this is basically: if I pull away, he will pursue and vice versa? I asked him a couple of weeks ago if he was playing games with me and he denied that, got offended. Yet, I get that feeling that he needs to be in control.
I don't know that xMM (or us, for that matter) do it on purpose. It's often underneath the conscious level. My xMM did the push-pull often. We had an odd affair nestled into an intense, concentrated work experience (very long days in close proximity). When he had an off day and would hang out with friends from his other world, he would come back the next day and be distant with me (the push). He would sometimes act cold, sometimes talk about his wife more. This was painful, so I would keep my distance, not approach him or go in his office to chat. This distance would get to him, and he would then initiate the pull, coming into my office, asking me to take a walk or grab coffee, etc. None of it was done consciously, it was like a reflex. Action, reaction. Neither of us were doing too much thinking back then.
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Old 5th February 2017, 1:28 PM   #37
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Why not block him? Then there will be no new pains or games.
We work in the same narrow industry which might make it difficult and people would wonder why we are suddenly not in contact. I am considering if I should move abroad for another job for the same reason as it will get claustrophobic long term staying here.
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Old 5th February 2017, 1:32 PM   #38
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I don't know that xMM (or us, for that matter) do it on purpose. It's often underneath the conscious level. My xMM did the push-pull often. We had an odd affair nestled into an intense, concentrated work experience (very long days in close proximity). When he had an off day and would hang out with friends from his other world, he would come back the next day and be distant with me (the push). He would sometimes act cold, sometimes talk about his wife more. This was painful, so I would keep my distance, not approach him or go in his office to chat. This distance would get to him, and he would then initiate the pull, coming into my office, asking me to take a walk or grab coffee, etc. None of it was done consciously, it was like a reflex. Action, reaction. Neither of us were doing too much thinking back then.
Very good point. I guess it could work like that and the fact that it might be subconscious does not make it any less messy. It is so painful and so many memories are surfacing now, I feel like one big mess. I just had a go at an armchair armed with a stuffed animal - Picture that

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Old 5th February 2017, 1:42 PM   #39
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Very good point. I guess it could work like that and the fact that it might be subconscious does not make it any less messy. It is the so painful and so many memories are surfacing now, I feel such a bil mess. I just had a go at an armchair armed with a stuffed animal - picture that
I think in some ways it makes it more messy. It feeds the addiction, but neither person is aware of it. I think if I had recognized the push-pull earlier, I might have been able to fight the slippery slope into the affair.

Kind of an "oh, so *that's* why I suddenly feel overwhelmingly attracted to this sort of overweight, middle-aged, pretty average-looking married guy."

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Old 8th February 2017, 12:37 PM   #40
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Ok, so I just had a talk face to face with MM, and though we both admitted, that the attraction and affection between us is still very strong - this is also the very same reason, that we have to put a lock on our feelings.

So, it has officially ended now from both our sides and although it fills me with sadness, I also know that there is no other way forward. Maybe the hardest part for me is to face reality and not be able to cuddle up in fantasyland anymore.
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Old 8th February 2017, 1:22 PM   #41
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Ok, so I just had a talk face to face with MM, and though we both admitted, that the attraction and affection between us is still very strong - this is also the very same reason, that we have to put a lock on our feelings.

So, it has officially ended now from both our sides and although it fills me with sadness, I also know that there is no other way forward. Maybe the hardest part for me is to face reality and not be able to cuddle up in fantasyland anymore.
It takes a lot of courage and strength taking that step. And yes, the loss of the fantasyland feels awful. Like you're raw and exposed and vulnerable, and will never meet anyone like xMM again. But as someone who is 5 months out, what makes up for it is that you also lose that nagging voice inside your head that reminds you constantly that you've volunteered to be someone's second best option.
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Old 8th February 2017, 1:52 PM   #42
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Ok, so I just had a talk face to face with MM, and though we both admitted, that the attraction and affection between us is still very strong - this is also the very same reason, that we have to put a lock on our feelings.

So, it has officially ended now from both our sides and although it fills me with sadness, I also know that there is no other way forward. Maybe the hardest part for me is to face reality and not be able to cuddle up in fantasyland anymore.
Be careful. This doesn't sound like the end to me.

All I know is that every time MM and I "agreed" to end...we didn't. Especially when we talked about how much we still felt towards each other.

I'm not downing the step you took or anything like that...I get how hard it is. I'm just saying that it seems like these amicable endings where everything is nice and sweet and you are still soft towards each other...they just don't seem to work. Things usually only end when one person goes cold. It's the natural course of things. Right now, since everything is nicey-nicey, one of you will generally go back - he will reach out to you to check in, or vice versa. Then something will happen and the A is temporarily back on, or it just leads to hot and cold and confusion. And the cycle begins again. It literally goes like this until ONE of you becomes SICK of it and just says - enough!

And that's how these things end. Usually.

Just warning you. ESPECIALLY if you have reason to see each other. Which it sounds like you do.
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Old 8th February 2017, 2:17 PM   #43
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Be careful. This doesn't sound like the end to me.

All I know is that every time MM and I "agreed" to end...we didn't. Especially when we talked about how much we still felt towards each other.

I'm not downing the step you took or anything like that...I get how hard it is. I'm just saying that it seems like these amicable endings where everything is nice and sweet and you are still soft towards each other...they just don't seem to work. Things usually only end when one person goes cold. It's the natural course of things. Right now, since everything is nicey-nicey, one of you will generally go back - he will reach out to you to check in, or vice versa. Then something will happen and the A is temporarily back on, or it just leads to hot and cold and confusion. And the cycle begins again. It literally goes like this until ONE of you becomes SICK of it and just says - enough!

And that's how these things end. Usually.

Just warning you. ESPECIALLY if you have reason to see each other. Which it sounds like you do.
Thank you and yes, we have a reason to see eachother because of work, which seems to be the case for so many of us on this forum. Absolutely stupid and so often with dreadful consequences. You are so right about the temptation still being there, Southern Sun but I cannot - we both cannot - do this anymore and staying in any form of romantic contact will only prolong the misery. The illusion, the fantasy, is gone - he wants to save his marriage and his relationship with his children and there cannot be any room for me in this. He seemed very genuine and I have to respect his decision - I cannot let my emotions or desires guide me anymore. It hurts like hell right now but I am confident, that it will all turn out better. I have to. The alternative is too dark.
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Old 8th February 2017, 2:47 PM   #44
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It's best to leave it behind you and focus on your future now.
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Old 8th February 2017, 2:51 PM   #45
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It's best to leave it behind you and focus on your future now.
Yes, and it scares me.
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