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Hurts to be in contact, hurts when there is NC


starswewillnavigate

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starswewillnavigate

My ex mm ended the A a month ago. We had been in touch since then, chats have never been emotional or sexual, although he was trying to implement NC with me at times as he deleted the chat app and I couldn't contact him. I've been hoping there was still a chance to have something together and last week after chatting about my plans for the evening he asked if I wanted to meet. We met and had sex (which was for the first time, although we had sexual encounters before). Since then he has still been in touch, but is very cool/closed off, although he is the one initiating contact everyday. We did talk about what happened and he said he had been wrong to meet and that he was trying to be good.

 

I know I should be strong and go NC but the thought of never speaking to him again hurts so much. But hearing from him most days makes him always there and something I can't have.

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imperfectangel

Ugh "trying to be good". Usually you don't have to try to be faithful to your w.

 

He will continue hurting you as long as you allow it

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starswewillnavigate

I know it's lame, especially when it's more than likely he has a new bit on the side. Which I know makes me seem even more sad and desperate ?

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Want to end it? Tell him to go back to his wife. Every time he starts up with you, think of him going home to his wife. When he says he is trying to be good, reinforce that yes, he needs to be good for his wife. Every time he texts you, remind yourself that's a text his wife deserves not his mistress.

 

I keep seeing this and it's so good I'll just use it:

 

He is where he wants to be with who he wants. (Or something like that.)

 

Don't torture yourself - tis better to ignore than be ignored. Nip this in the bud before there's a blowout and you waste months or maybe years.

 

NC hurts less than being stung along, because once you go NC you can start to heal. So long as you continue contact, you are ripping the scab off.

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MidnightBlue1980
My ex mm ended the A a month ago. We had been in touch since then, chats have never been emotional or sexual, although he was trying to implement NC with me at times as he deleted the chat app and I couldn't contact him. I've been hoping there was still a chance to have something together and last week after chatting about my plans for the evening he asked if I wanted to meet. We met and had sex (which was for the first time, although we had sexual encounters before). Since then he has still been in touch, but is very cool/closed off, although he is the one initiating contact everyday. We did talk about what happened and he said he had been wrong to meet and that he was trying to be good.

 

I know I should be strong and go NC but the thought of never speaking to him again hurts so much. But hearing from him most days makes him always there and something I can't have.

 

What the heck - trying to be good? Mine said that too. Is there a book somewhere with these lines? What are we, a box of Chips O' Hoy?

 

We have all been where you are - my advice is to ignore him NOW before he ignores you, because that is coming. It sucks, you will hurt, but at least you will feel strong. TRUST ME, maybe he will be back and forth for some sex but in between he will ignore you and you will feel like total crap. Be the one to show you are in control. Not him.

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What the heck - trying to be good? Mine said that too. Is there a book somewhere with these lines? What are we, a box of Chips O' Hoy?

 

No, silly - in fantasyland they have those little miniature cartoon versions of themselves sitting on their shoulders, one the devil, one an angel but the angel is mute and the devil is deaf... ;)

 

(Dammit, now I want cookies. Arrrr, matey!!!!)

Edited by Lobe
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If you allow contact to occur between you, you're offering yourself up to be used and exploited.

 

 

Your self-esteem is in the deep minus numbers.

 

That is your problem.

 

 

Take care.

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete him from all social media.

*No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

Edited by Satu
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"Trying to be good." Yep, I've heard that line, too. I wish I could get my hands on that da&m handbook they all use. Tell him to "go be good" and f the right off.

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"Trying to be good." Yep, I've heard that line, too. *I wish I could get my hands on that da&m handbook they all use. Tell him to "go be good" and f the right off.

 

*Lol.

 

Here's something I wrote in an old journal of mine:

 

 

What the other woman believes

 

The greater part of any affair is fantasy and make-believe:

 

"He's a great guy, but he's trapped in an unhappy marriage. He and his wife haven't had sex in years. He says he has no feelings for her, and loves me. He feels that he can't leave because of what it would do to his kids, but I do think that he'll leave her though, when the kids are a bit older."

 

This is life on the edge of reality, in a little bubble of imaginings."

 

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My ex mm ended the A a month ago. We had been in touch since then, chats have never been emotional or sexual, although he was trying to implement NC with me at times as he deleted the chat app and I couldn't contact him. I've been hoping there was still a chance to have something together and last week after chatting about my plans for the evening he asked if I wanted to meet. We met and had sex (which was for the first time, although we had sexual encounters before). Since then he has still been in touch, but is very cool/closed off, although he is the one initiating contact everyday. We did talk about what happened and he said he had been wrong to meet and that he was trying to be good.

 

I know I should be strong and go NC but the thought of never speaking to him again hurts so much. But hearing from him most days makes him always there and something I can't have.

 

MM hypocrisy alert!!! LOL He was trying to be good :lmao: well he failed that test when he cheated on his wife!

 

Man these MM they are a dime a dozen! My WH says to this day how 'good a person' he is... my ass!!!:lmao:

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MM hypocrisy alert!!! LOL He was trying to be good :lmao: well he failed that test when he cheated on his wife!

 

Man these MM they are a dime a dozen! My WH says to this day how 'good a person' he is... my ass!!!:lmao:

 

These MM make many sacrifices, and like to say so.

 

Unfortunately, its other people that they sacrifice on the altars of their ego.

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I love how he's making jokes while hurting 2 women.

 

This is just another example of I don't want you but I won't let you go because you will still give me attention and adore me no matter what. So he has attention on speed dial and if his wife is not giving him enough at home he has that "oops I slipped up" card to play because now he knows you won't leave him and you'll still be sweet to him when he treats you like a peice of bubblegum that's great when you first begin to chew it but loses flavor and gets old so you spit it out. You aren't bubble gum are you?

 

Surely you deserve someone who will proudly plan public dates and hold your hand and care for you when your sick or bring you to their family's home for holidays.

 

I was thinking today, what was I really missing...all my AP'S phonecalls were stolen time. All his emails were just tike killers, read-reply-read-reply but what were we really even talking about anyway ...just dumb stuff, we were being good too and playing that stupid platonic dance.

 

When I would get the rare opportunity to see him we'd just meet up at the bar for a few hours and he always had to rush home. I'd just always be left empty.

Trust me the A was a dead end, so is the friendship.

 

Our AP'S were never really our friends, they were interested sexually, so there was a motivation to be friends...once the interest is gone to sleep with you, that friendship will also become unnecessary.

Plus it's real confusing to go from I love you, need you, want you to talking about the weather and mundane subjects. It's a muted state of constant humiliation to even stick around. Just let this guy go. He's not your friend. You may get one or two more "slips" but ugh...is that really what you want?

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs~T
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starswewillnavigate
*Lol.

 

Here's something I wrote in an old journal of mine:

 

 

What the other woman believes

 

The greater part of any affair is fantasy and make-believe:

 

"He's a great guy, but he's trapped in an unhappy marriage. He and his wife haven't had sex in years. He says he has no feelings for her, and loves me. He feels that he can't leave because of what it would do to his kids, but I do think that he'll leave her though, when the kids are a bit older."

 

This is life on the edge of reality, in a little bubble of imaginings."

 

 

That's the thing, he never told me he was unhappy in his relationship or family life, just wanted something extra away from it.

 

I'm crazy for having even entered into this A and now he's got me hooked and waiting for every single scrap of attention he throws my way. We met last Friday, so I get the feeling today with be when he implements NC as he's done the "right thing" but not just blocking me straightaway and waiting a week. He put his picture back up on the dating site we met on last night and has been online continuously. The hunt begins again for him and I'm stupidly sat here waiting for him.

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starswewillnavigate
What the heck - trying to be good? Mine said that too. Is there a book somewhere with these lines? What are we, a box of Chips O' Hoy?

 

We have all been where you are - my advice is to ignore him NOW before he ignores you, because that is coming. It sucks, you will hurt, but at least you will feel strong. TRUST ME, maybe he will be back and forth for some sex but in between he will ignore you and you will feel like total crap. Be the one to show you are in control. Not him.

 

lol at the chips o'hoy

 

I know, I know I need to take the power back. I should have ignored him after last week when we met. I would have had the power as he had, erm, performance issue ?

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Hi stars, be mind to yourself you're grieving and your feelings are completely normal. This is a man that you cared about, of course the thought of cutting him out forever is terrifying. But! You are absolutely correct in stating that continued contact with him hurts and set your recovery back further- there's always going to be that hope there and that continual resetting of the part of your brain that's attached to him.

 

Start small maybe? Tell him you can't talk for a few weeks while you recover and that you will be in contact again when you feel ready. Then set yourself a time frame in which you will absolutely not contact him, see how you feel at the end of it; hopefully you will be feeling good enough to add another no contact period onto it which extends into infinity!

 

Now onto MM..

 

He is being cruel and disrespectful to everyone in his life.

 

He 'jokingly' blames you for his straying while logging onto a dating site to stray with someone else? How is that trying to be good to anyone? I hate to say it but his continuing to contact you while making sure that you know you're something to feel bad about all the while prowling for his next affair suggests that he is keeping you around as a gap filler whether it be for sex or validation.

 

You deserve a man who doesn't infer that you are a bad thing by telling you that being good is rejecting you so make room in your life for him.

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I'm crazy for having even entered into this A and now he's got me hooked and waiting for every single scrap of attention he throws my way. .

 

 

He 'jokingly' blames you for his straying while logging onto a dating site to stray with someone else? How is that trying to be good to anyone? I hate to say it but his continuing to contact you while making sure that you know you're something to feel bad about all the while prowling for his next affair suggests that he is keeping you around as a gap filler whether it be for sex or validation.

.

 

It is just not the MM who places "blame" onto the other side. I can not count how many times an OW/OM have laid the same "blame" under the guise of "hooked". It really is the other side of the same coin. So if we are to hold him to task for this faulty logic, we should in turn hold the other party for the same faulty logic.

 

At the end of the day, each of us are accountable for our own actions. It is in the lies that we tell ourselves (he got me hooked, she is tempting me) that we lose control of self.

 

OP, you need to ask yourself if you are long-term OW material, if you are not....there is only one solution....don't be one.

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starswewillnavigate
Hi stars, be mind to yourself you're grieving and your feelings are completely normal. This is a man that you cared about, of course the thought of cutting him out forever is terrifying. But! You are absolutely correct in stating that continued contact with him hurts and set your recovery back further- there's always going to be that hope there and that continual resetting of the part of your brain that's attached to him.

 

Start small maybe? Tell him you can't talk for a few weeks while you recover and that you will be in contact again when you feel ready. Then set yourself a time frame in which you will absolutely not contact him, see how you feel at the end of it; hopefully you will be feeling good enough to add another no contact period onto it which extends into infinity!

 

Now onto MM..

 

He is being cruel and disrespectful to everyone in his life.

 

He 'jokingly' blames you for his straying while logging onto a dating site to stray with someone else? How is that trying to be good to anyone? I hate to say it but his continuing to contact you while making sure that you know you're something to feel bad about all the while prowling for his next affair suggests that he is keeping you around as a gap filler whether it be for sex or validation.

 

You deserve a man who doesn't infer that you are a bad thing by telling you that being good is rejecting you so make room in your life for him.

 

Thanks Winterkeep - I've actually been in tears since reading your post because I've felt like I haven't had the right to grieve because I never had the right to be with him in the first place. I didn't think I would get emotionally attached to him when I started the A, but there you go, it's hard to separate these feelings out at times.

 

I am upset that he said it was wrong to meet and that he jokingly said it was my fault. I wasn't innocent in engineering that, but neither was he forced there. I could have written the script that he was going to reject me after sex.

 

The fact that his tone is quite cool now makes me question my judgement of people. Plus knowing that I'm not good enough to be the girl to have the A with, but a reserve just in case, I feel rejected and humiliated. And yet I wait everyday for him to message me... :(

 

He usually doesn't message on a Sunday/Monday so I'm going to start from there. Plus stop obsessing about his online time on the dating app!

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starswewillnavigate
I love how he's making jokes while hurting 2 women.

 

This is just another example of I don't want you but I won't let you go because you will still give me attention and adore me no matter what. So he has attention on speed dial and if his wife is not giving him enough at home he has that "oops I slipped up" card to play because now he knows you won't leave him and you'll still be sweet to him when he treats you like a peice of bubblegum that's great when you first begin to chew it but loses flavor and gets old so you spit it out. You aren't bubble gum are you?

Surely you deserve someone who will proudly plan public dates and hold your hand and care for you when your sick or bring you to their family's home for holidays.

 

I was thinking today, what was I really missing...all my AP'S phonecalls were stolen time. All his emails were just tike killers, read-reply-read-reply but what were we really even talking about anyway ...just dumb stuff, we were being good too and playing that stupid platonic dance.

 

When I would get the rare opportunity to see him we'd just meet up at the bar for a few hours and he always had to rush home. I'd just always be left empty.

Trust me the A was a dead end, so is the friendship.

 

Our AP'S were never really our friends, they were interested sexually, so there was a motivation to be friends...once the interest is gone to sleep with you, that friendship will also become unnecessary.

Plus it's real confusing to go from I love you, need you, want you to talking about the weather and mundane subjects. It's a muted state of constant humiliation to even stick around. Just let this guy go. He's not your friend. You may get one or two more "slips" but ugh...is that really what you want?

 

Oh that's exactly how it is with the bubblegum, I know, it was so sweet and exciting initially and then you keep chewing because it's there. What do I matter to him? He can throw me a few lines of text and that's all he has to think of me in a day. He has to face his wife everyday knowing what he does. I'm sure he does feel guilty, knows he has been naughty but then the compulsion starts again. I am hurt knowing I'm not good enough to be the AP and knowing I'll be there for him if he asks.

 

It confused me when he called it off and he kept in touch, I'm naive and was hopeful. I knew as soon as he got what he wanted he would cool it. I actually walked away from our last encounter knowing I would never see him again and initially I was ok with that but then the messages started... I'm confused that he's still messaging, even if it is cool. I can't work out if he feels he is being less of a d*ck by keeping in contact rather than blocking me straightaway after having sex.

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