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!!!! I know what I need to do but can't!


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Hi all,

I am new here and this will be long, I will try to condense it.

I am a married woman, we married very young...22 and 23. About 4 years ago, my husband had an affair. We went to counseling and worked things out. Prior to that and since that, I have been having an emotional and pseudo physical affair with someone else. I have anxiety about being married and wanting to be single but we have such a history. I love my husband but I am no longer in love with him.

I met my AP online about 6 years ago. He is a very nice man that is married as well and lives a few hours away. He has been married for i believe 8 years.

We have talked every single day for 6 years with the exception of out of the country vacations for both. We text everyday all day and talk just about every morning on the way to work and about 2 or 3 times on the way home from work. We also talk and text on the weekends. We talk about EVERYTHING.

We shares pics of our families and our daily lives. We also share NSFW pics and sext. Our voice conversations are always clean. In 6 years there have been 2 times we have gotten physical and it was brief, it was oral sex but not to completion. The third time he made the drive to my hometown, unplanned, and nothing happened. The final time is the time that has me the most perplexed and considering ending things. I was in his hotel room which he was sharing with a roommate. We had been going back and forth all weekend about meeting up alone. It finally happened Saturday evening. He texted what I was doing, I said waiting for my invitation. He replied you always have an open invitation. I said I would be there in 2 min. It was about midnight. When I arrived we talked for a min or two. He then told me he wanted to take a shower. He asked if I would not mind leaving because if his roommate returned while he was in the shower, it would be difficult to explain. Before I left I tasted his rainbow. I left, he texted when done, i returned. We discussed what would happen if his roommate returned. I bolted and latched the door. He was concerned with that because raise concerns with his roommate. He asked me to unlock the door until we decided what to do in case his roommate returns. About 10 min later, his roommate pops up. I stay for about 10 more minutes then leave. As soon as I left, I texted and asked was that planned. He said no. We chit chatted a little more that night. The next morning he called we talked a little. I sent him an email basically accusing him of setting that up because he just wants to play and not get physical. Told him either was fine with me but I don't like games. Tell me if you want the physical or not. His reply was that he would not have been hard as a rock after I arrived if he didn't.

I don't know what to make of this. A male friend of mine said hes playing game with me and i should let him go. My mind is telling me to let him go. My emotions are telling me, i really like him...the texting, the talking (he is there for me whenever i need him) and truth be told the physical is not that important to me. I cant sleep because I some conflicted about ending this or not.

 

Sorry this is so long, i did condense. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.

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If you can break this up with paragraphs and spaces, it will be easier to read and you'll get more replies. It's painful on the eyes otherwise.

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Thanks,

I tried but it would not let me.

 

Yeah, once someone has responded, you cannot edit a post. With that, welcome to Loveshack.

 

So, I have posted something very similar before here is the gist...

 

Please, please, please understand that in your early 20s (when you got married) you were still at an age in your life when your frontal cortex was still attaching - and does not completely finish until your 28th or so year.

 

What is the consequence of this? It's not that you don't have a frontal lobe. Or that you can't use it. But you are going to access it more slowly. This is because the nerve cells that connect your frontal lobes with the rest of your brains is sluggish and don't have as much of the fatty coating called myelin, or "white matter," that adults have in this area.

 

What does this science stuff mean? In a nutshell, it means that your decision-making processes were all suspect and everything you thought you wanted then would change as you approached your thirties.

 

This all explains why people who get married in their early twenties often experience "a seven-year itch" where they want something entirely different in their early 30s. It happened to a lot of us that got married in our early 20s and you are experiencing it now.

 

The best thing you can do is come clean to your husband. Call the marriage quits and get a divorce. What you love about your husband came from youth and inexperience.

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So you're wondering if you should end it because you think he might be playing games, eh? You aren't going to find much sympathy here. Has it ever crossed your mind to end it because you're married and it would be the right thing to do?

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loveisanaction

First of all you are married and no matter how miserable you are in your marriage it doesn’t change the fact that you legally belong to somebody else.

 

The meeting in his hotel room is weird, why would his roommate object to seeing you there? He asked you to leave just because he didn’t want his roommate to see you there whilst he was taking a shower? Then he asked you to come back when he was done? Why was he so concerned about his roommate seeing you there? Is his roommate a girl? Or does the roommate know something about him that you don’t know? That perhaps your affair partner has a girlfriend?

 

My guess, he’s just not that into you and rightfully so; for starters you are married so he's probably not taking the affair seriously and wise enough to consider that if you're cheating on your husband with him, if you both got together would you cheat on him too? (folks ask themselves stuff like that). Secondly, you’ve only been intimate with him two times in 6 years. Surely you understand that you’re not the only one he’s had sex with in 6 years right?

 

Either way, you totally allowed yourself to be jerked around by this guy; he says jump, you say how high?

 

Ditch him and either work on your marriage or get a divorce…affairs are never the answer.

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Thanks for the replies.

 

Yes, I actually thought of that too. I know its not right, but it is what it is.

 

He is married, I know that and his male roommate knows that too. The male roommate knows his wife.

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loveisanaction
Thanks for the replies.

 

Yes, I actually thought of that too. I know its not right, but it is what it is.

 

He is married, I know that and his male roommate knows that too. The male roommate knows his wife.

 

Got ya!

 

So his roommate knows his wife.

 

Walk away girl...you're catching feelings for this guy and he's nonchalant about the whole thing. He's taking this for what it is..an affair, you on the other hand are falling for him.

 

Work on your marriage or end it...This is not the way to go.

 

Btw...What does 'Before i left i tasted his rainbow' mean?

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I have been trying hard not to catch feelings for him. I generally play it very cool with him. He texts me GM and GN every day. I never initiate that. Only recently after he brought it to my attention that i rarely initiate communication with him, I have been trying to do better with that. I consciously try to initiate now.

 

I would never leave my husband for him. None of this makes any sense and i know all of it is wrong.

 

It means I gave his junk a little attention, very little, before i left.

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whichwayisup
About 4 years ago, my husband had an affair. We went to counseling and worked things out. Prior to that and since that, I have been having an emotional and pseudo physical affair with someone else. I have anxiety about being married and wanting to be single but we have such a history. I love my husband but I am no longer in love with him.

I met my AP online about 6 years ago. He is a very nice man that is married as well and lives a few hours away. He has been married for i believe 8 years.

Why didn't you just divorce your husband after his affair 4 years ago? Does he know you're having an affair too? Just seems like such a waste of time to stay married to someone you're not in love with and since you've both cheated (and you currently are), why not just separate/divorce, then do as you please?

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You do know how little energy it takes to text any person in the morning and evening, yes?

 

He's obviously not divorcing her and you're obviously not divorcing...

 

So how can you put that energy and focus on your marriage to make that better?

 

This douche bag feeds your ego - by a simple text!!! Why would that be enough for you?

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You do know how little energy it takes to text any person in the morning and evening, yes?

 

He's obviously not divorcing her and you're obviously not divorcing...

 

So how can you put that energy and focus on your marriage to make that better?

 

This douche bag feeds your ego - by a simple text!!! Why would that be enough for you?

 

Yes, I know how easy that is and no thats not enough. There is more to it than that. I also said we text and talk about everything all day.

 

Yes, I really should this is the hand i dealt myself.

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Yes, I know how easy that is and no thats not enough. There is more to it than that. I also said we text and talk about everything all day.

 

Yes, I really should this is the hand i dealt myself.

 

Your life is defined by the choices YOU make for yourself.

 

You want better? Then decide - and then DO better.

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I'm sorry but you tasted his what? His rainbow? LOLOLOLLOLOL...that's the funniest thing I've ever heard. Do you call his dick a rainbow? LOL..I can't stop laughing...

 

 

So when you dragged your husband to counselling when he cheated on you 4 years ago did you come clean and confess your affair too? Or did you just let your husband feel like scum all the while knowing that you are no better than him?

 

 

Divorce your husband. You have no respect for him and you probably got married too young anyways.

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Survivedtothriving

You say you aren't in love with your husband. I'd say you haven't given your husband a fighting chance since you were involved with another man for SIX years. Why did you stay married? You do understand that this is completely unfair to your husband even with him cheating on you. You cheated first. End the marriage. It's not a marriage at this point. It hasn't been for a long time.

Edited by Survivedtothriving
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I'm sorry but you tasted his what? His rainbow? LOLOLOLLOLOL...that's the funniest thing I've ever heard. Do you call his dick a rainbow? LOL..I can't stop laughing...

 

LOL I also wondered what a rainbow is in this context.... I figured it must be some kind of slang that I've never heard of (English is not my first language) ;-)

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I think your mm just like attention and adoration, he is not comfortable bring physical with you. You kind of pressured him into coming over.

He wants you to leave while he takes the shower which is disrespectful.

You "taste his rainbow" which I am sure is just a dick, and unshowered one too.

What do you do while he showers, sit at the hotel lobby?

Didn't you feel humiliated by being kicked out like that? Yet you came back.

 

 

Please end this complete nonsense. I don't know exactly why are you staying married, you didn't mention any kids, but this guy and his unwashed rainbow is not an answer to your life issues.

 

 

Best wishes xo

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Grapesofwrath
I'm sorry but you tasted his what? His rainbow? LOLOLOLLOLOL...that's the funniest thing I've ever heard. Do you call his dick a rainbow? LOL..I can't stop laughing...

 

 

So when you dragged your husband to counselling when he cheated on you 4 years ago did you come clean and confess your affair too? Or did you just let your husband feel like scum all the while knowing that you are no better than him?

 

 

Divorce your husband. You have no respect for him and you probably got married too young anyways.

 

Thanks, Anika. I even went to Urban Dictionary for this one and came up empty-handed. Is that a thing? Taste his rainbow? New one on me.

 

Same question, OP: When you were in counseling after his A, did you reveal that you were also in an A? Or did you allow him to go through all the emotional work while withholding this information? If the latter, then you really have very little of a marriage left and best to consider divorce.

 

As for your MM, I don't think there is much substance to this relationship and you are better off letting it go.

 

One last point: You CAN end this relationship, but you CHOOSE not to. If nothing else, we must at least take responsibility for our choices in life. l

Edited by Grapesofwrath
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