Mavin Posted May 19, 2016 Share Posted May 19, 2016 disclaimer: please no negative comments I know what I am about to explain is not the best situation to be in but I need advice. Honesty appreciated. So I am currently in a relationship with a guy who I have been with for almost two years. He's amazing, yet has a struggle with addiction and depression. I am very happy with him but it is tough to deal with constant relapses and not knowing if it will ever get better. That is truly the only flaw in the relationship (yet it is a big one). He is currently away again for treatment and I reconnected with a friend who I've dated a couple times in the past named mike. Ever since I met mike I have constantly been drawn to him. We would talk and then go a couple weeks without talking and always come right back. I can't help but feel in my gut and soul that something is there and there is a reason I can't get him out of my heart. I am one who believes that everything happens for a reason and have always felt that he's the one I am going to end up marrying. I know that sounds so specific and so crazy but I have had that gut feeling for over two years now and it won't go away. I do not know if I should just dive in and give my all to mike to see. I am scared of making the wrong choice. Please give opinions !!!! I feel that I am in love with both of these men. Link to post Share on other sites
DesertHeat Posted May 19, 2016 Share Posted May 19, 2016 I would suggest breaking up with the boyfriend and MAYBE consider dating his after 1 year of sobriety. I have dated addicts in the past, and it is brutal. There's no need to go through if you don't have to--I'm assuming you aren't married and don't have any kids with him. AFTER you break up with your boyfriend, let Mike know your interest and see where things go with him. But don't go "all in" with him yet. I don't believe in soulmates and nothing in life is guaranteed. Tread carefully despite the limerance you feel about him now. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted May 19, 2016 Share Posted May 19, 2016 So the advice is... - break up with boyfriend using his addiction and depression as an excuse to separate so she can see the guy she's pining for.. - go and date Mike but don't go all in... - then maybe after a year if boyfriend fixes himself start dating him again, presumably if her and Mike are still together, dump Mike or maybe not dump him and... Ok gotcha! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted May 19, 2016 Share Posted May 19, 2016 So the advice is... - break up with boyfriend using his addiction and depression as an excuse to separate so she can see the guy she's pining for.. - go and date Mike but don't go all in... - then maybe after a year if boyfriend fixes himself start dating him again, presumably if her and Mike are still together, dump Mike or maybe not dump him and... Ok gotcha! In a nutshell, that's exactly what the advice is. Which while a bit cold and calculating at face value, is better than what the OP is wondering, which is basically how to have a relationship with both of them, because she loves the first guy, in spite of his flaws, but is drawn to the *hugs tea and sympathy* of the second, because he's paying attention, makes her feel good, and is listening to her woes. I would say the second scenario is fuelled more by a need to be put first and validated, so may not be affection purely for affection's sake. OP, take heed. You love the first guy, because you love him. You 'love' the second guy, because he fills a void. Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted May 19, 2016 Share Posted May 19, 2016 You pick yourself. Be alone for a while without any guy and then start again. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 19, 2016 Share Posted May 19, 2016 YOU are in a 2 year relationship with a man who is "difficult" to deal with. He is mentally ill and an addict, and that will have taken its toll on you. Now you have the opportunity to free yourself from the shackles of that relationship, but you feel guilty, you feel you owe it to this "amazing" man who just happens to be in a total mess. You feel you need to stick around and "fix" him. YOU feel obliged to sacrifice yourself at the altar of HIS addiction and depression. My advice is don't, just walk away and try and find happiness elsewhere. He is in no state to be in a relationship and life is far too short. Mike seems a likely candidate for a new relationship, but keep your eyes open. You will be in a vulnerable state at the moment and your "picker" may be well off. Break up with your bf and give yourself time to heal and re-focus before jumping in with both feet with Mike. Just because he is there when you need him does not necessarily mean he is a good match for you long term. He may just be the stepping stone you need to get back to "normality". 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted May 19, 2016 Share Posted May 19, 2016 Neither on is a good option for you. Your BF sucks the life out of you and Mike looks good in comparison. Get yourself away and neutralize your emotions for both. Look beyond both of them to giving yourself a decent life first. Poppy. Link to post Share on other sites
DesertHeat Posted May 19, 2016 Share Posted May 19, 2016 (edited) 10 characters Edited May 19, 2016 by DesertHeat not feeding the troll Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted May 19, 2016 Share Posted May 19, 2016 If your boyfriend is relapsing constantly, he really cannot handle being in a relationship. Regardless of whether or not you date Mike, you should walk away from him and let him heal. Imagine what kind of relapse you'd trigger if he found out that you're cheating on him... Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted May 19, 2016 Share Posted May 19, 2016 BF has repeatedly made his choice as to what is most important to him. Maybe he is changing his mind, but I'd be concerned long term. Nobody can wave a magic wand at an addict and pronounce him cured. People get paid to deal with addicts and the depressed. Are you sure you want to take on at job for free? With a "patient" who will likely be lacking in expressed gratitude. Mike? How long have you felt like you'd end up marrying him? Pretty strong feeling for what is a very casual, part time relationship. At least that relationship appears to have kept you from going all in with BF. What's Mike's status, btw. You don't know if he wants you full time. Until you do, don't pin your future to him. Others suggest a hiatus from both. Until you get your feelings straightened out. Probably not a bad idea. Link to post Share on other sites
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