Jump to content

Honestly? I'm Glad He's Someone Else's Problem


Recommended Posts

Honestly. I have almost always felt this way about MM. I saw the issues pretty early on and I recognized them from previous relationships I had been in. I got involved with him because I had carried a torch for him for a long time and it was a lot of fun. Did I ever really want to marry him? No. It was just sexy to think about.

 

I always knew that being in a real relationship with him would be a lot of work. He requires a lot of attention, and I hardly have enough time for my own self. Plus, he's SO not trustworthy! I mean look at him! Cheating on his wife, running around with me, and buying me all this expensive stuff! How could I ever trust him if we were ever to be together? Especially with our money?!? Being with MM was fun, we had a lot of laughs, felt really close with one another, the sex was good, but I was glad he went home at the end of the day. I like my beauty rest and have a lot of responsibilities during the day, which I neglected a lot because the daytime was the only time he was available. While he was supposed to be at work! And lord, he complains too much. I wouldn't want to have to live with that and hear all that complaining all the time. I'm glad he's her problem and not mine.

  • Like 9
Link to post
Share on other sites

I've always said that xMM's wife was more compatible with him than me. Stuff he does that upsets me, it didn't phase her one bit (stuff she knows), because they are more compatible. She seems happy. And I'm sure he likes it better that way too. I complained about stuff that she has probably never complained about in their entire decade and a half together. He was clueless, it was like dealing with a 19 yo boyfriend all over again. We would have never lasted.

 

But, admittedly, I would have been overjoyed for a little while! (he's hot)

Edited by Popsicle
  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

I feel sure my MM is "on the spectrum". He can be very challenging some days - hyper focusing on his interests, not really comprehending how emotional other people are. There are occasional meltdowns, but mostly he shuts down instead.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I've always said that xMM's wife was more compatible with him than me. Stuff he does that upsets me, it didn't phase her one bit (stuff she knows), because they are more compatible. She seems happy. And I'm sure he likes it better that way too. I complained about stuff that she has probably never complained about in their entire decade and a half together. He was clueless, it was like dealing with a 19 yo boyfriend all over again. We would have never lasted.

 

But, admittedly, I would have been overjoyed for a little while! (he's hot)

 

I think he and I are more compatible than MM and BW. But she is willing to put up with stuff I find intolerable. But I suppose a lot of women are willing to put up with stuff I will not put up with. I suppose that might be a reason I chose to be with a MM in the first place. It's not my bag, though, and it didn't last long, as I knew it wouldn't.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Sometimes when I read these forums I feel like a cold hearted b*tch, because half the stuff the "AP In Love" goes though I would not put up with or forgive.

  • Like 9
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Sometimes when I read these forums I feel like a cold hearted b*tch, because half the stuff the "AP In Love" goes though I would not put up with or forgive.

 

I get you. I feel like women who are in affairs, putting up with a bunch of MM crap, just have not yet come into their own. Allow a man's choice to stay in the relationship he was in when we started to make me cry? Why? It's got nothing to do with me or my worth. I think people take it personally.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
Allow a man's choice to stay in the relationship he was in when we started to make me cry? Why? It's got nothing to do with me or my worth.

 

this is so, SO important!

 

& i think many OWs aren't aware of that -- it's really easy to slip into the "i wasn't good enough for him to choose me" mindset, especially when you're young.

  • Like 7
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
this is so, SO important!

 

& i think many OWs aren't aware of that -- it's really easy to slip into the "i wasn't good enough for him to choose me" mindset, especially when you're young.

 

Yes, I can totally see how easy it would be to fall into this mindset when young. Our culture makes us actually believe that our worth is defined by whether or not a man chooses us. That's obscene. And part of the reason I never married. I've never bought into the white dress, best man, maid of honor, carry me across the altar, and have a husband thing. Because all of those things have significant history based on male ownership of women, and I'm just never putting myself in that position, either legally or emotionally. And I don't believe anyone should.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
Yes, I can totally see how easy it would be to fall into this mindset when young. Our culture makes us actually believe that our worth is defined by whether or not a man chooses us. That's obscene. And part of the reason I never married. I've never bought into the white dress, best man, maid of honor, carry me across the altar, and have a husband thing. Because all of those things have significant history based on male ownership of women, and I'm just never putting myself in that position, either legally or emotionally. And I don't believe anyone should.

 

I do agree with this, to an extent. When you say "our culture" I assume you mean western culture. These forums are predominately American/European, and it seems the Easterners who come are those who have assimilated into the western lifestyle or live in the west (for the most part). Of course these are all assumptions. I am from an Asian culture, but grew up in the U.S. in an Asian community. I actually grew up with very bossy, assertive women from my culture, and still came out to be a timid people pleaser.

 

For the most part it does seem that many AP have taken more of a submissive role to their married partner. I see a lot of "we were soulmates", "tons of chemistry", and "s/he opened up to me in a way the BS could not" as reasons as to why they must continue with the relationship. I would also like to add that more often than not the married partner claims that the betrayed spouse is controlling/abusive, and the AP themselves are usually victims of abuse (if what they say is to be taken at face value). So while I think a part of it is culture, I think bigger factors at play are psychological, media (who doesn't love the star crossed lovers trope?!), and the age old "grass is greener" syndrome.

 

I know in my situation with my ex husband (former AP) we did have chemistry when we met. I was attracted to him and he to me. But it was no more or no less than the chemistry that I have had with other men where mutual attraction was involved. It was just in my ex's case, we chose to nurture and act on it which made it seem ethereal. In truth it was very normal because we were investing time and thought into the relationship.

 

In regards to a cake-eating situation: I have long thought that for most of the affairs that we read about on here the AP in Love is a reflection of the Betrayed Spouse. Having read my fair share of stories from the BS' POV I think the two use a lot of the same verbiage, have the same feelings, accuse the AP of what the AP accuses the BS of, and speak both highly and lowly of the Wayward Spouse.

 

Of course they are both being fed from the same can of sh*t, so that might have a lot to do with it. But it is interesting to think about and wonder. :)

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites
I do agree with this, to an extent. When you say "our culture" I assume you mean western culture. These forums are predominately American/European, and it seems the Easterners who come are those who have assimilated into the western lifestyle or live in the west (for the most part). Of course these are all assumptions. I am from an Asian culture, but grew up in the U.S. in an Asian community. I actually grew up with very bossy, assertive women from my culture, and still came out to be a timid people pleaser.

 

For the most part it does seem that many AP have taken more of a submissive role to their married partner. I see a lot of "we were soulmates", "tons of chemistry", and "s/he opened up to me in a way the BS could not" as reasons as to why they must continue with the relationship. I would also like to add that more often than not the married partner claims that the betrayed spouse is controlling/abusive, and the AP themselves are usually victims of abuse (if what they say is to be taken at face value). So while I think a part of it is culture, I think bigger factors at play are psychological, media (who doesn't love the star crossed lovers trope?!), and the age old "grass is greener" syndrome.

 

I know in my situation with my ex husband (former AP) we did have chemistry when we met. I was attracted to him and he to me. But it was no more or no less than the chemistry that I have had with other men where mutual attraction was involved. It was just in my ex's case, we chose to nurture and act on it which made it seem ethereal. In truth it was very normal because we were investing time and thought into the relationship.

 

In regards to a cake-eating situation: I have long thought that for most of the affairs that we read about on here the AP in Love is a reflection of the Betrayed Spouse. Having read my fair share of stories from the BS' POV I think the two use a lot of the same verbiage, have the same feelings, accuse the AP of what the AP accuses the BS of, and speak both highly and lowly of the Wayward Spouse.

 

Of course they are both being fed from the same can of sh*t, so that might have a lot to do with it. But it is interesting to think about and wonder. :)

 

 

I couldn't agree more with the latter Faust. I always knew, despite what my husband said, and his concubine's assumptions, that he was lying to BOTH of us.....

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
I get you. I feel like women who are in affairs, putting up with a bunch of MM crap, just have not yet come into their own. Allow a man's choice to stay in the relationship he was in when we started to make me cry? Why? It's got nothing to do with me or my worth. I think people take it personally.

 

It's hard not to take this stuff personally for both OW/OM and the BS. That is the most important thing to remember about an A is that is it is always about the WS and their best interest. It bears no reflection on the other parties. It is an absolute reflection of the WS and most refuse to take a look at themselves.

  • Like 7
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
It's hard not to take this stuff personally for both OW/OM and the BS. That is the most important thing to remember about an A is that is it is always about the WS and their best interest. It bears no reflection on the other parties. It is an absolute reflection of the WS and most refuse to take a look at themselves.

 

I suppose whether you take it personally or not depends on where you are in life. And how much you believed and wanted to live happily ever after with the WS.

 

You have a good point about it always being about the WS. It took a while for what you said to sink in for me. I think you're right and it jives with something I noticed about MM and some other past BFs, which is that they expect all this attention from me (which I usually do not have enough of to give). I wonder if that's really what affairs are all about, the ability to hold someone else's attention, be the center of someone else's universe, or like others here describe it, seeing yourself through the other person's eyes.

 

Probably the more you see yourself as the object of someone else's attention, the better you feel about yourself, and the more personally you take it if and when it falls apart? IDK, maybe that goes without saying, I just don't know if I've ever thought that way about it before.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
it's really easy to slip into the "i wasn't good enough for him to choose me" mindset, especially when you're young.

 

It doesn't have to be a MM, I felt that way about ex boyfriends who ended things with me until I was in my late 30s. Why wasn't I good enough for them to man up with me? Why did they choose something or someone else?

 

Age and maturity definitely helps.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Was more closely in touch with XMM the past week or so than usual and something he shared with me about what he was doing this weekend upset me some, caused me anxiety because it was evidence he lied the entire time, never planned to leave her, would never leave her, which is all stupid because I ALREADY KNOW all that. It just goes to show how toxic this person is to me! Whever I get even remotely close to this person, whatever he shares I am still evaluating what it means, even now, long after what any of what he says or does has ceased to matter!

 

It makes me realize how much of myself I have lost from having gotten involved with him years ago, even though I cut it off only a few short months into the affair. It's insane how being associated with a MM can screw you up. I really need to find myself again. It's distressing to see how much I have lost from such a brief affair. I am still affected and it is going to take a long time to get myself and my life back to that place of strength where I was before I got involved with him. I wish I never got involved with him at all. MM are giant parasites that suck the life and strength out of you!

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
That is the most important thing to remember about an A is that is it is always about the WS and their best interest. It bears no reflection on the other parties. It is an absolute reflection of the WS and most refuse to take a look at themselves.

 

I wonder if that's really what affairs are all about, the ability to hold someone else's attention, be the center of someone else's universe, or like others here describe it, seeing yourself through the other person's eyes.

 

Probably the more you see yourself as the object of someone else's attention, the better you feel about yourself, and the more personally you take it if and when it falls apart? IDK, maybe that goes without saying, I just don't know if I've ever thought that way about it before.

 

It doesn't have to be a MM, I felt that way about ex boyfriends who ended things with me until I was in my late 30s. Why wasn't I good enough for them to man up with me? Why did they choose something or someone else?.

 

Ah the 'Mirror mirror on the wall' complex. I need YOU my mirror--pick whomever's opinion is paramount at the moment--to reflect back to me a meaning I can then absorb and equate to self worth. Because without that... I don't know who or what I am. I need the reflection to BE... And I'll just believe whatever it reflects and BE that.

 

And if I'm NOT the fairest of them of them all to you... then I'm nothing. Because I have no definition of self worth that is derived intrinsically :-( Ok, whose heart do I have to rip out to make myself feel better...

 

Was more closely in touch with XMM the past week or so than usual and something he shared with me about what he was doing this weekend upset me some, caused me anxiety because it was evidence he lied the entire time, never planned to leave her, would never leave her, which is all stupid because I ALREADY KNOW all that. It just goes to show how toxic this person is to me! Whever I get even remotely close to this person, whatever he shares I am still evaluating what it means, even now, long after what any of what he says or does has ceased to matter!

 

It makes me realize how much of myself I have lost from having gotten involved with him years ago, even though I cut it off only a few short months into the affair. It's insane how being associated with a MM can screw you up. I really need to find myself again. It's distressing to see how much I have lost from such a brief affair. I am still affected and it is going to take a long time to get myself and my life back to that place of strength where I was before I got involved with him. I wish I never got involved with him at all. MM are giant parasites that suck the life and strength out of you!

 

NO, No, no 13 hearts. You came in with a strong game in this thread. About how you don't take that kind of s*&t in your Rs. Don't let it diminish into a mirror on the wall fiasco. Don't let yourself be defined by what he does.

 

Yeah, sure. He does what he does. Coz he is what he is and does what he does. And it hurts. But that has no bearing on you. it's about him. Does any of it... really... truly... change who you are?

 

Give me that attitude back please. Look into YOUR own mirror with YOUR own eyes. He's irrelevant. You're probably pretty damn awesome because you may not be the most beautiful, or smartest, or least naive (clearly... Affair... hello!)... as none of us are... but you're the ONLY person in the whole damn world world who is A-grade at being ALL YOU. And more fool anyone, including your MM, who doesn't appreciate that. But YOU can.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thank you, SolG, that is exactly what I need to hear right now! I feel like garbage because of a health issue and his texting me this crap just brought me down lower. What an ass. You are so right, it is Mirror-Mirror and I DO get my feelings of self-worth from others when in weakened states. I have accomplished A LOT in my life, have an awesome job, have an advanced degree, and everything I have, I have from MY OWN hard work and accomplishments!!!! I gotta stop allowing what some moron does, some moron's bad behavior, affect how I feel about myself!

 

I think I have some work to do today. Thank you, many thanks and much love for your support!

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
It's hard not to take this stuff personally for both OW/OM and the BS. That is the most important thing to remember about an A is that is it is always about the WS and their best interest. It bears no reflection on the other parties. It is an absolute reflection of the WS and most refuse to take a look at themselves.

 

It is very painful to really examine oneself and search for the root of your own dysfunction. XMM lives in an entire other world, and would completely ignore blatant truths. I would point things out to him but he would either ignore what I was saying, make a joke to distract, or deny whatever I was saying. He would deny reality, but could not see that I could see he was doing this. It's truly weird. And I still wonder if he knew he was denying reality or living in a completely different world or something. I have no idea what would cause someone to be like this.

 

I noticed, too, that when XMM was supposed to be with his wife, he was constantly texting me. And then when he was supposed to be with me, he was constantly texting someone else. He'd never be fully present. I quickly tired of relationship-by-text-messaging and it became annoying. He reminded me of a child who cannot stop playing on this Gameboy.

 

I should have cut him off completely after the first 3 or 4 months had passed and I realized he wasn't really leaving her (he told me he was on his way out). I have wasted so much of my life and my potential tied up with his nonsense.

  • Like 7
Link to post
Share on other sites
Lovetoohard

Affairs do really mess one up. After the initial emotional assault to your soul that occurs during and immediately after the A, even though you give it time are feeling fairly level-headed and lucid, out of nowhere, you get hit with anger, depression, irrational longing, guilt, you name it. While it's not at the same level of intensity and frequency as before, it's still a terrible reminder of the A. To add to that, the countless hours of analysis of the completely absurd and contradictory things that were said and done by the MM, speculating on the state of MM's marriage, feeling sorry for the W, figuring out why MM strayed, looking at yourself and trying to identify the reasons for your involvement....repeat...shuffle....it's all really exhausting.

 

Whenever I struggle with any of the above, I keep this in mind: you have to keep reminding yourself that regardless of the inner debate and analysis, the outcome will be the same: he lives with his demons and you are free from the burden of being an OW. I am calling it a burden because it truly is. You get to walk away with some bumps and bruises but otherwise relatively unscathed, you get a clean slate, and you get a fresh start. You are pretty damn lucky!

Edited by Lovetoohard
  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Sometimes when I read all the stories of infidelity on this page, I start to become despondent about relationships and how it seems you cannot trust ANYONE. People posting about having sex with others outside of 20+ year marriages, people easily keeping secrets from those who love them most, people not caring about small children and wanting their parent for themselves at all cost, people hurt and confused by relationships. What hope is there? Sometimes I just do not know. Thinking about it is overwhelming sometimes.

  • Like 7
Link to post
Share on other sites
ladydesigner
Sometimes when I read all the stories of infidelity on this page, I start to become despondent about relationships and how it seems you cannot trust ANYONE. People posting about having sex with others outside of 20+ year marriages, people easily keeping secrets from those who love them most, people not caring about small children and wanting their parent for themselves at all cost, people hurt and confused by relationships. What hope is there? Sometimes I just do not know. Thinking about it is overwhelming sometimes.

 

It is all so overwhelming. So many here in pain. It's good we have this as a sounding board sometimes. It has helped me through the years and while I still get triggered by certain posts I try to pay it back and help others see what they might not see yet. There are lots of patterns to watch for.

 

(((13hearts)))

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
Sometimes when I read all the stories of infidelity on this page, I start to become despondent about relationships and how it seems you cannot trust ANYONE. People posting about having sex with others outside of 20+ year marriages, people easily keeping secrets from those who love them most, people not caring about small children and wanting their parent for themselves at all cost, people hurt and confused by relationships. What hope is there? Sometimes I just do not know. Thinking about it is overwhelming sometimes.

 

I agree.. it can make you feel terribly cynical. I find myself sometimes looking at people at work and wondering or thinking whether they are cheaters... because I come across so many.

 

I see interaction between coworkers and I think. .. would you do that if your wife was here.

Of all the problems in marriage infidelity is the worse IMO.

 

I support people who've cheated for half or more of their marriages and I just want to really ask how they could live such a double life.... but on the other hand I also see some really devoted and happily married couples through my marriage work with the church and it kind of gives me a little hope.

 

I occasionally share some of the betrayal stories with my husband and he just shakes his head in disbelief.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
loveisanaction

I couldn't agree more with all of you. The outstanding amount of married (or people who are in relationships) who are having an affair is mortifying. It seems now-a-days, it's not a matter of who is, it's who isn't?

 

Affairs at work, AFFAIRS with friends, with neighbors. Everywhere i turn, someone is either cheating or having and affair with someone else.

 

So prominent it is that i was reading a post about a married woman (on another site) who wanted people to give her advice about how to get a single man to fall in love with her. She brushed past the details of her her being married as if it were a fly on the wall and got very upset when people kept advising her to work on her marriage. She really thought that her being married was no big deal and that people should be more concerned with helping to get the interest of the single man she wanted.

 

All this hasn't obscured my vision when it comes to marriage, i still believe in it and the scared nature of it.

 

We all make mistakes and there are truly some miserable married people out there but having an affair i've learnt is not the way to go. In the end the payoff is just not worth it.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...