Hi there - it's me. Still alive

[MidnightBlue1980]

I've posted but basically I was in an A for 5 months with a MM who I knew 3 years. I ended it as he was not planning on ending his M (which is okay) but he wanted both me and W. I am married and my H knew about the A and I was not willing to be the side dish while my whole life goes down the tubes. So I ended it. 4 weeks ago today. When I ended it, he told W a distorted story and started NC immediately, except that we have to see each other once a week. So far, it's been hell.

 

I see him every Tuesday. My immense - I want to eat dishwasher tablets and die - pain has faded at 4 week. Now I just feel bad/sad and mad at myself for all this mess. He was not a best buddy but the situation is bad. He ignores me and I feel bad. We are in a group of 30 and it's obvious as we were close enough. I am in a leadership position so I speak and have to interact with the members, including him. I made him look at me and said good morning, to show I am fine with things. It's all a big lie of course. A few people said, you look so sad, what is wrong. So I put on the strong, confident woman mask. I have a close guy friend there who knows everything and he said I did well.

 

But the rest of the day....terrible. The problem with acting is you are acting. I wanted to say, why don't you talk to me? Why are you so angry with me? Why did you treat me like this? It's soul crushing. My H said MM hates me because I ruined his world. He had it all, wifey and trimmings and me. And I took it away. My guy friend said basically the same thing plus colorful words about what he thinks about MM.

 

Around 4pm I really, really wanted to email MM a bunch of sad pathetic crap. Instead I emailed my guy friend that I was weak and he was pretty strong about my not contacting me. A lot of capital letters. I made it through. He was a pan of homemade brownies and I'm a diabetic but I made it through.

 

I don't really have a question other than what the hell is wrong with me that I am hung up on someone is a Bad Guy. Seriously. A Bad Guy who was so selfish he did not care about his W, me or my H, he just wanted what he wanted. I guess I like being treated like crap. Why do I miss him, worry about him, wonder what he is thinking. It's the silence that kills me.

 

Anyway, today is over. Till next Tuesday.

 

Added: it was all the same love stuff you all post. soulmate, I love you, we are going to be together, blah blah blah.

 

MB

[Poppy47]

That's a bit silly.

 

YOU do not have to meet him once a week......YOU do not have to do anything if you don't want to.

 

It's making you miserable so stop it.

 

Poppy

[MidnightBlue1980]

You are right. It's my business though. I'd lose a lot financially. He could leave but he is obviously not either.

[bathtub-row]

I have had to deal with xMM for about 3 yrs since we split up. I detest every day I'm there. He's the owner of the company and I have to sit in on weekly meetings. And even though I'm working on getting out of that situation, it's not easy and it's not happening fast enough. Talk about having to pretend. Sometimes I just want to walk away from it all and go live under a bridge.

 

You're in a slightly different position because you have a little more control over the situation. Where my ex is the boss, you're the one controlling the situation a little more. I'd say stop worrying about this idiot. He's just pissed off that you ended the affair and this is how he reacts to it. Just start learning to be indifferent toward him, remind yourself that you're lucky to no longer have anything to do with him, and be done with it. If you can't do that, then could someone else go in your place? Just a thought.

[Sassy Girl]

You are right. It's my business though. I'd lose a lot financially. He could leave but he is obviously not either.

 

Ad yet you had a workplace affair anyway. Actions meet consequences.

[Popsicle]

I don't know, I think you and your MM are in an equal and even deadlock. You are both married and neither of you will divorce your spouse. You're both wanting the other to divorce first before you will, but you both say "Why should I divorce when the other one hasn't?"

 

I can understand this.

[whatatangledweb]

I would say he doesn't talk to you because his wife insist that he not do it if he wants to stay married to her.

[Forceawakensme]

I would say he doesn't talk to you because his wife insist that he not do it if he wants to stay married to her.

 

 

I would agree. Sounds like he has sworn he not talk to you at these business events as part of their reconciliation terms. He is probably scared stiff you will corner him -- Honestly, he should stop going.. especially if you have a senior position and are required to talk. He should just stay away from these events.

[LimeBlue]

I wish I had some words of wisdom but I don't. Least of all today, I am having a bad day because of MM. I feel your pain in your words, I really really do. My MM also spun all the words - we will be together, this is far from over, we will be together one day, we always go back to one another, if it is meant to be it will be... blah blah.

 

It is all lies. A pack of fat lies.

 

I am now of the opinion that no MM means a darn word he says. They say these things to string us along in order to fake a future to get what they want in the present.

 

And yet still, even now as I type this, I keep hoping that my MM will prove me wrong on what I have said above. How messed up is that? I WANT, yes WANT, my MM to surprise me one day and pitch up where I work to see me. I WANT to come home from work one day to find him waiting in my driveway for me. Even after all this nonsense, I still want him to prove me wrong, to come looking for me.

 

How ****ed up am I today?

 

MB, I wish I had better and stronger words for you. Your post has resonated with me today. I don't know how we ever get past this??

 

I too want to reach out and talk, ask questions, find answers, find out if he even thinks about me, find out if he ever really did want a life with me or if it was all just lies when he was saying it. But alas, I know I will be met with a word salad and never be given a straight answer.

[Popsicle]

"I will be met with word salad". Lol

 

That's a good way to put it.

[LimeBlue]

"I will be met with word salad". Lol

 

That's a good way to put it.

 

Do a Google search on sociopathic word salad... I believe my MM is a sociopath, sadly. The cognitive dissonance I am going through is killing me.

[Adoraxx]

Do a Google search on sociopathic word salad... I believe my MM is a sociopath, sadly. The cognitive dissonance I am going through is killing me.

 

Same here, LimeBlue... The only thing that is keeping me somewhat sane is to read old emails to my friends / plus reading in my diary to see that there is this pattern... It's just so hard to understand how someone can tell you that he loves you yet his actions say the complete opposite. Have you been reading on psychopathfree as well?

[LimeBlue]

Same here, LimeBlue... The only thing that is keeping me somewhat sane is to read old emails to my friends / plus reading in my diary to see that there is this pattern... It's just so hard to understand how someone can tell you that he loves you yet his actions say the complete opposite. Have you been reading on psychopathfree as well?

 

Yes, and I have read the Psychopath Free book by Peace. Want to start reading it again today, it seems I need to read it a number of times until I am able to come to terms with this mess.

[Popsicle]

Do a Google search on sociopathic word salad... I believe my MM is a sociopath, sadly. The cognitive dissonance I am going through is killing me.

 

It is very painful.

 

I don't know your MM but I do believe some of them experience CD too.

[LimeBlue]

It is very painful.

 

I don't know your MM but I do believe some of them experience CD too.

 

I am doubtful mine does. He is already chatting up women on Tinder after telling me he wants to spend his life with me and that this year we will make it happen so we can be together. Then merely 2 weeks later he had started the devaluation stage, and now discard. I cannot force him to want me as such, but I find it twisted that I still want him to want me. It doesn't change my hurt and pain though. All the special times together, the intimacy, the talking, the connection... I need that and yet I am now doubtful I will ever truly find it.

[bathtub-row]

Read the book "Getting to I Do" by Patrica Allen and you'll understand why you feel this way. It's purely a biological response and it only happens to women. It's basically chemical release when we fall in love and things will trigger it. This chemical dies very hard.

 

After reading that book, you'll understand why a woman should never get involved with the wrong guy, why we put up with the nonsense we put up with, why we should never approach a guy and ask him out, and a ton of other things. This is why women must be very cautious about who we allow into our lives. It crushes us when it goes wrong.

 

The simple answer - make yourself lose that connective reaction by forcing yourself to stop thinking about him and removing as many triggers from your life that you can. After that, be very, very careful about who you let yourself get involved with. Nature itself has made women cautious and there's a reason for that. Modern society has tried to eliminate this but it just doesn't work.

[imperfectangel]

MB I heart your posts. My mm regularly (every few months) switches off and ignores me for seemingly no reason. It's horrendous and I've initiated nc with him. It's hard. I want him. But we have to remember we can't make a relationship happen by ourselves - they have to want it too.

 

Keep posting it really does help

[MidnightBlue1980]

Gosh. I am flattered at all the responses. I don't know how to respond to individual people.

 

It's not my job that I see him at - but I agree, it was a bad choice to pick in a place I go to weekly. Of course its not like I said, hey I want an affair, who should I pick. I meet a ton of people and I am not attracted to people unless there is an emotional connection and that only occurs over time.

 

The questions about my husband - he is unconventional. He understands I have male friends and MM was not one of them. H actually never heard the name before. My guy friends I know really well, we are in the friend zone. That said, I do not invite problems. We don't go out drinking or stuff like that. I told my guy friend as I needed support in the event MM tried to get me thrown out. Also, when I say guy friend, a lot of them are also paying clients. There is a business relationship. Plus don't forget, H had his own A. If he forbids me to continue in our group, have friends, and live my life, he has to do the same. He would be saying that both of us are not able to control ourselves, we would hook up with anyone. We don't feel like that. We just got married and had kids, he stayed home for 8 years while I worked. We barely had a marriage. Thats not to say he is happy about me seeing MM every week but he does not want me to leave as it would be a bad thing financially.

 

As for MM, yes. He basically agreed to not have contact with me, I guess in order to keep his marriage and his job (he works in her family business). What bothers me is that one, he cannot then stay in the group and treat me like that (and she wants him to leave, he said no) and two, when my husband found out in the summer, I did not treat him like this.

 

But here is the thing - I really have no idea what the truth is. He is a consummate liar. For all I know, he has chosen not to speak to me because he is mad I would not continue the affair. He still has his job, his wife told my husband that she was happy that he had agreed to work on their marriage. His wife told my hsband that he said I was a crazy stalker and he the victim. He tells me that he was standing there when she spoke to my H and that was not said, she never said that, in fact she and my husband agreed that we were never to speak again and thats why he can't talk with me. My husband said that did not happen.

 

I know you are picturing this slick, hot guy with all the right words to fool me. Uh, no. Trust me. He's a total tool. He's shorter than me, overweight, not attractive. My friend calls him The Weasel. He looks incapable of deception and lying - I swear - and if I was not there, I would believe him. He is that good. But my H does not lie and that night when he spoke to the W, it was a bad night. H told me the facts. I believe him.

 

So that leaves us to - why do I care and why do I feel bad. I could write a novel of theories but I like the posts about a woman just feels connected when she is intimate. Plus all the I love u stuff and the future talk, women just get into that. My life is not exciting. Trust me. So someone comes along and says they are in love with me, they will never hurt me, all the wonderful things we can have....plus he had some health issues and played the victim, no one cared about him and his health. I helped him and he said I (quote) saved his life. He said he married the wrong person and he wanted to be with me. and so on (the same stuff you all hear). Meanwhile my own H is literally in love with someone else. So yea, I fell really hard. And now I am paying the consequences.

[MidnightBlue1980]

<<I don't know, I think you and your MM are in an equal and even deadlock. You are both married and neither of you will divorce your spouse. You're both wanting the other to divorce first before you will, but you both say "Why should I divorce when the other one hasn't?"

 

I can understand this.>>

 

I wanted to respond to this. He really has no intention of getting divorced. He says he married the wrong person, they have zero intimacy (confirmed by the wife), etc but he also said he would not break up my family (little kids) or split his assets, plus he has a 11 year old. He was very clear that he wanted us to stay married and develop a relationship (like a butterfly he said) to see if one day in the future it would be worth leaving our marriages. I say, just slit my wrists now, thanks. That sounds horrible.

 

For me, its up and down. We have issues. At this moment while I type, H is asleep near me and all is calm. But last week we had another bad fight and he gets mean, really mean. I went online at work and looked at apartments and I saw that if I saved, I could do a 2 bedroom right near us. That night I left and went to a motel, I just felt peace. I thought actually of just driving and driving and not coming back. But of course, my kids. But that was the night I realized MM did not care. I ended it not because of his wife (though that is an excellent reason of course). But H had been leaving MM a VM at 2 am that I was leaving and H called MM at 7am bc he couldn't locate me and was flipping out. MM just yelled at H to calm down, he had no idea where I was. MM never called me or emailed me to see if I was alive. I called him that day from the hotel and he lit into me about H calling him at his house, how I needed to keep my mouth shut about him. And I said, "You didn't even ask if I was okay." and he said, I assume you are, we are talking.

 

Digest that. What a guy.

 

So if I did move out, I actually probably would not even tell MM. We see each other but he wouldn't necessarily know my address. My heart may be loving him but my 43 year old brain knows this is not a good guy. Plus I am aware he has a wife who apparently blames herself for his affair and wants him. I respect that. I would not tell him I was separated as I would not want to influence him. I think I'd want to be alone.

 

Still, my heart hurts and it sucks.

[LimeBlue]

He really has no intention of getting divorced. He says he married the wrong person, they have zero intimacy (confirmed by the wife), etc but he also said he would not break up my family (little kids) or split his assets, plus he has a 11 year old. He was very clear that he wanted us to stay married and develop a relationship (like a butterfly he said) to see if one day in the future it would be worth leaving our marriages. I say, just slit my wrists now, thanks. That sounds horrible.

 

This is exactly, in fact word for word, what my MM said to me too not so long ago.

 

I am shocked. They all come up with the same rubbish.

 

Mine discarded me last night, in a very cruel manner. Then he proceeded to block me on all social media and on phone apps.

[LimeBlue]

MM never called me or emailed me to see if I was alive. I called him that day from the hotel and he lit into me about H calling him at his house, how I needed to keep my mouth shut about him. And I said, "You didn't even ask if I was okay." and he said, I assume you are, we are talking.

 

Digest that. What a guy.

 

Aside from your description of his physical looks, I am tempted to believe we have the same MM... my MM never asked me how I was unless it was just the usual daily "how are you". But after an event, or something happening, he never asked or looked for me.

[LimeBlue]

So if I did move out, I actually probably would not even tell MM. We see each other but he wouldn't necessarily know my address. My heart may be loving him but my 43 year old brain knows this is not a good guy. Plus I am aware he has a wife who apparently blames herself for his affair and wants him. I respect that. I would not tell him I was separated as I would not want to influence him. I think I'd want to be alone.

 

Still, my heart hurts and it sucks.

 

I DID move out. I moved and made the changes I needed to make in order for us to start spending more time together to develop the relationship as you quoted above. I made the changes, I took the steps, only to have him make up another excuse about why he cannot move out and leave his wife, which slowly turned into how much he actually no longer loves me (last month he declared he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me) and last night he discarded me in a vile manner.

 

It is as if once he saw me making changes and taking steps, once again he could not follow through on anything so he had to make up every excuse in the book to back peddle.

 

Unbelievable.

 

Edit to add: Sorry I am ranting off. I am incredibly hurt right now. Not ranting at you at all, just ranting at my situation that I was stupid enough to get into. The sad thing is, is that I know in my heart of hearts that this is over for good between him and I, yet still I will forever hope he contacts me again at some point. How stupid am I? MB, your situation is so similar to mine, even regarding your husband... everything you say resonates with me.

Edited January 21, 2016 by LimeBlue

[Forceawakensme]

Gosh. I am flattered at all the responses. I don't know how to respond to individual people.

 

It's not my job that I see him at - but I agree, it was a bad choice to pick in a place I go to weekly. Of course its not like I said, hey I want an affair, who should I pick. I meet a ton of people and I am not attracted to people unless there is an emotional connection and that only occurs over time.

 

The questions about my husband - he is unconventional. He understands I have male friends and MM was not one of them. H actually never heard the name before. My guy friends I know really well, we are in the friend zone. That said, I do not invite problems. We don't go out drinking or stuff like that. I told my guy friend as I needed support in the event MM tried to get me thrown out. Also, when I say guy friend, a lot of them are also paying clients. There is a business relationship. Plus don't forget, H had his own A. If he forbids me to continue in our group, have friends, and live my life, he has to do the same. He would be saying that both of us are not able to control ourselves, we would hook up with anyone. We don't feel like that. We just got married and had kids, he stayed home for 8 years while I worked. We barely had a marriage. Thats not to say he is happy about me seeing MM every week but he does not want me to leave as it would be a bad thing financially.

 

As for MM, yes. He basically agreed to not have contact with me, I guess in order to keep his marriage and his job (he works in her family business). What bothers me is that one, he cannot then stay in the group and treat me like that (and she wants him to leave, he said no) and two, when my husband found out in the summer, I did not treat him like this.

 

But here is the thing - I really have no idea what the truth is. He is a consummate liar. For all I know, he has chosen not to speak to me because he is mad I would not continue the affair. He still has his job, his wife told my husband that she was happy that he had agreed to work on their marriage. His wife told my hsband that he said I was a crazy stalker and he the victim. He tells me that he was standing there when she spoke to my H and that was not said, she never said that, in fact she and my husband agreed that we were never to speak again and thats why he can't talk with me. My husband said that did not happen.

 

I know you are picturing this slick, hot guy with all the right words to fool me. Uh, no. Trust me. He's a total tool. He's shorter than me, overweight, not attractive. My friend calls him The Weasel. He looks incapable of deception and lying - I swear - and if I was not there, I would believe him. He is that good. But my H does not lie and that night when he spoke to the W, it was a bad night. H told me the facts. I believe him.

 

So that leaves us to - why do I care and why do I feel bad. I could write a novel of theories but I like the posts about a woman just feels connected when she is intimate. Plus all the I love u stuff and the future talk, women just get into that. My life is not exciting. Trust me. So someone comes along and says they are in love with me, they will never hurt me, all the wonderful things we can have....plus he had some health issues and played the victim, no one cared about him and his health. I helped him and he said I (quote) saved his life. He said he married the wrong person and he wanted to be with me. and so on (the same stuff you all hear). Meanwhile my own H is literally in love with someone else. So yea, I fell really hard. And now I am paying the consequences.

 

 

Midnightblue, So sorry for your pain. From reading your posts and other intelligent women, it just seems it doesn't matter how much we understand the theory behind affairs, there is just no 'off' switch to our feelings -- feelings of love, hate, limerance, infatuation, addiction.. whatever the hell they are -- they just dont go away because we want them to.

 

Ive been purposely reading every success story i can of people who got over the affair and seem to be healing. It seems that in those cases they were truly able to go NC. I know thats hard for you and im in a very similar if not even more challenging boat (business and mutual connection-wise) but i think im going to have to do everything in my power to make it happen or this pain will be perpetual.

 

I was curious though -- You did mention that you think its possible he is mad at you for not continuing the affair. What gives you this impression? Has he implied this? -- I have the feeling he is just "mad" at the situation (ie little brat) and is acting cold toward you for lack of any mature problem resolution/confrontational skills. Your maturity when approaching him to tell him you expect a minimal level of respect etc and his response to this was just evidence that he is a little boy who is just not equipped to handle such confrontations. I think he just thinks hes not allowed to talk to you so its easier if he just pretends you dont exist. --- My MM, like yours, tends to disappoint me when in similar situations, i honestly think we put them on such an undeserved pedestal because they played a role in our fantasy and its hard to admit to ourselves... 'they're actually really just big losers we wasted our time on'... Douches, clowns, silly little boys.

 

It must be so painful to be in your marriage with your husband in love with someonelse so blatantly. I understand unconventional marriage as a concept but that just seems almost torturous to be existing in. You had to watch your husband lie in bed with depression over some young woman.. that must have eaten away at your self-esteem in such a way that it almost explains why some fat little 'weasel' has you still thinking of him 24/7 --- I know you've heard it so many times here but i need to say it again -- You deserve so much better.

[Forceawakensme]

I DID move out. I moved and made the changes I needed to make in order for us to start spending more time together to develop the relationship as you quoted above. I made the changes, I took the steps, only to have him make up another excuse about why he cannot move out and leave his wife, which slowly turned into how much he actually no longer loves me (last month he declared he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me) and last night he discarded me in a vile manner.

 

It is as if once he saw me making changes and taking steps, once again he could not follow through on anything so he had to make up every excuse in the book to back peddle.

 

Unbelievable.

 

Edit to add: Sorry I am ranting off. I am incredibly hurt right now. Not ranting at you at all, just ranting at my situation that I was stupid enough to get into. The sad thing is, is that I know in my heart of hearts that this is over for good between him and I, yet still I will forever hope he contacts me again at some point. How stupid am I? MB, your situation is so similar to mine, even regarding your husband... everything you say resonates with me.

 

Limeblue, im the same as you -- i know we're done and it needs to be done, but letting go of the hope that he'll one day contact me seems like an impossible task. Im trying .. but its almost like until hes actually dead i'll always have this glimmer of hope... I guess i just hope it reduces drastically such that i can live my life without the nagging pain.

[LimeBlue]

Limeblue, im the same as you -- i know we're done and it needs to be done, but letting go of the hope that he'll one day contact me seems like an impossible task. Im trying .. but its almost like until hes actually dead i'll always have this glimmer of hope... I guess i just hope it reduces drastically such that i can live my life without the nagging pain.

 

That is exactly it - unless he is dead I will forever have some hope. I want to move away but I cannot, I have literally just this month moved out of my marital home. I am now living alone. I even made sure to get a place close to his work so that he could spend more time with me. Look where that has gotten me. I am stuck here for various reasons beyond my control, at least for the next 3 years. I fear the loneliness will drive me to reach out to him. I am not a social person, so I don't know how to do this