norudder Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 when was the first time you had sex after your affair relationship? Who was it with? Important or casual? Did you experience guilt? Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 It was horrible and I regretted it. It has never been the same with anybody else... ok but not the same. Poppy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author norudder Posted January 23, 2016 Author Share Posted January 23, 2016 Thank you for sharing Poppy. You're always smart and direct and I appreciate what you share on my or others' posts. I haven't yet but have had opportunities. Its weird sometimes to consider it. I haven't had sex post divorce or post affair. Feels like being virginal sometimes. Just wondering if any others related. Link to post Share on other sites
lemondrop21 Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 I'm terrified of it. During the affair, I had sex with my ex boyfriend who wanted me back (MM and I never made any sort of agreement about "monogamy"... what does that even mean in an affair??). I remember staring up at him and feeling completely disconnected from the experience. His eyes were closed and he looked like he was in heaven and I felt nothing. Then I rolled over and cried into the pillow until it was over. Another time during the affair I made out with a guy in order to try and distract myself and gain motivation to move on. There was nothing wrong with the way he kissed, but the act repulsed me. I know it will be a long time until I can be physically intimate with someone again and enjoy it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
NewLeaf512 Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 Just imagining someone else touching me makes me gag 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Giggle Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 Ditto. Cringe worthy. But I'm also still in the affair when my ex left me, I had a hard time with that too. Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAgain2014 Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 First time after was with the man is who now my husband. I didn't feel guilty. In fact, compared to sleeping with someone else's husband, it was a relief to know he was a single man and this relationship had a chance of going somewhere. It was different but wasn't that the point? It is what you make it. I didn't know I would marry him then but I did know the healthiest relationship for me had to start with a single man. Once I opened my mind to him, the heart followed. He's wonderful. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
m4p Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 It was about a few months after end of the affair. It was casual, a nice friend. I was lonely and feeling empty and thought I could do it but....... I ended up crying during (Probably a guy's worst nightmare lol). Thankfully he was nice but I never saw him again. I literally shuddered when he touched me. I felt guilt at that time towards xMM. Whatever. More than 1 year after dday now.. I don't seem to feel much attraction to people that I meet in general. Recently I had a very nice date though. We didn't have sex but for the first time in ages I dont feel so repulsed by the thought of it. Oh well. Maybe that's a good sign. Link to post Share on other sites
lftbehind Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 This is for everybody. Was the sex that good in the affairs, or did you feel used and hurt after the affair, so you didn't want sex? Or was it a combination? I feel the MM used me and I want to shut myself off from being hurt like that again. It's hard to trust men's motivations. Link to post Share on other sites
Buccaneer55 Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 This is for everybody. Was the sex that good in the affairs, or did you feel used and hurt after the affair, so you didn't want sex? Or was it a combination? I feel the MM used me and I want to shut myself off from being hurt like that again. It's hard to trust men's motivations. For me it was the best I had ever experienced. It was passionate, it was intense, it pretty much knew no boundaries, and we couldn't keep our hands off of each other. However, once it ended and looking back it really made me feel used. I'm almost convinced she was just lonely for the time being and she took advantage of my willingness to finally start a new relationship after my divorce. As of now with that used feeling I have no desire to speak to her or any woman truthfully. I'm going to take more time and just focus on myself like I had been before she came along. Just want to point out though it goes both ways, this was a woman who did this to me, and it has made it even harder for me to believe there is a good one out there. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
lemondrop21 Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 This is for everybody. Was the sex that good in the affairs, or did you feel used and hurt after the affair, so you didn't want sex? Or was it a combination? I feel the MM used me and I want to shut myself off from being hurt like that again. It's hard to trust men's motivations. The sex was the best I've ever had. I don't think I have trust issues (although we'll see when the dust settles). But I haven't met anyone else compelling and probably have blinders on right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author norudder Posted January 23, 2016 Author Share Posted January 23, 2016 This is for everybody. Was the sex that good in the affairs, or did you feel used and hurt after the affair, so you didn't want sex? Or was it a combination? I feel the MM used me and I want to shut myself off from being hurt like that again. It's hard to trust men's motivations. Affair sex is so twisted. It was great, both physically and emotionally. I'd done things I hadn't done with anyone else, few boundaries. The feelings made it intense as well but of course the circumstances of deceit undermine the trust so I did start wondering if that's all/mostly all it was and afterwards felt used. I didn't have good relational boundaries so want to do things differently.I don't want to be in a position of wondering if Im being used or to do fwb where we're mutually "using" each other. I'm waiting until I'm with a man that has potential for a relationship but want to be healed and healthy first to offer him the same. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mayday2016 Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 The sex with xMM was the best of my life. He was so explorative, he did things to me no one else has, I desired to try things with him that with any other man would feel repulsive and cringe worthy. He was exciting and inventive and his skills were the best I've ever experienced. It's so hard because I have always been incredibly sexual, my heart is tied to my sexuality too so feeling love for the first time, toward my xMM (I never felt that for another man) made it even bigger. I can't imagine ever going to bed with someone else. I still crave my xMM. Not just that sex we had but him. He was my drug. The thought of being with anyone now or in the future makes me want to get sick on myself. I am actually crying now thinking of all the nights he had me so enraptured and how good I felt. I'm literally running through all the best times and I feel this chasm in my chest that just hurts and hurts. Will this ever get better? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAgain2014 Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 xMM was the best at the time, but I know why. All the talk of sexless marriages, desire, and the forbidden nature of it made it accelerated. I also believe most of us are willing to do anything and believe that's comfort with this one special man when it's really desperation of not wanting to say no to anything with him. It also feeds this believe that our willingness to ignore boundaries sexually means the relationship is so meant to be than we can excuse ignoring the ultimate boundary that he's married. I went through the same process of getting to know my husband sexually but at a typical rate. I can honestly say he's the best because there is trust and commitment there that feeds the desire and exploration. No desperation or need to prove anything. He's mine so of course he's the best. Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 Thank you for sharing Poppy. You're always smart and direct and I appreciate what you share on my or others' posts. I haven't yet but have had opportunities. Its weird sometimes to consider it. I haven't had sex post divorce or post affair. Feels like being virginal sometimes. Just wondering if any others related. You are very welcome Rudder. I think it was so horrible because of the special bond I had with MM. I will never again feel the bond I felt with MM. We were both in our 60's when we met and it was like being a teenager all over again for both of us. I never felt used at all.. For me, it was something wonderful I had never experienced my whole life . I don't have trust issues and I don't feel used. We both knew what the situation was. It was an AFFAIR. I was every bit as responsible as he was and I loved it as much as he did. Told MM about it once. He said tried once with his wife after we stopped seeing each other. It didn't work out. He sex with us was like having all the grains of sand on a beach. With her it was like looking at one grain of sand and not wanting it. I will always remember that because it encapsulates the feeling perfectly. Poppy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldenAxe Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 This Tuesday will be 8 weeks since sex with MW. My PSI level is through the roof. I'm very open to relations with someone new. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Lady2163 Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 Sex with MM was the best I've ever had. It started out good, not fantastic, but I had been on a long, dry spell before our first time. I'm pretty sure the worst lover in the world could have given me an orgasm. I was in my 40s when we were together. I don't have the body I had when I was 20, but I have done a LOT more research. Thanks to high speed internet and a tablet, I've watched way too much what I call "how-to porn." How to give the best handjob, how to give th best oral sex, different positions, etc. I would get a bit shy about explaining these things, so sometimes I'd send him links and tell him, "I want to try this." The Internet helped me say a lot of what I couldn't voice. He was in his 50s and was starting to have some erection trouble. It took him a while to believe that I was just happy to explore and see what caused a reaction. So, I became a better lover because of him. Because I wanted to make his eyes roll back. Because I was quite confident I didn't ( and still don't) know it all. I have friends who are swingers. I've had plenty of casual sex since it ended. I refer to those as 'maintenance f!cks'. I have not had anything requiring emotion, connection and commitment as yet. I'm getting ready to move to a larger town and it has a more active singles population. I think if I stop my workaholic tendencies and put myself out there, probably in the next year I will have something more serious. I'm ready for it. I've always said I was not in love with MM. I liked him, I cared for him. Had he been single I would have enjoyed the chance to have a relationship with him. But he wasn't single and I never allowed any future faking. I still miss my friend terribly. But this is the best for him. And today, in this moment, I believe itmismthe best for me Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 Sex with MM was the best I've ever had. It started out good, not fantastic, but I had been on a long, dry spell before our first time. I'm pretty sure the worst lover in the world could have given me an orgasm. I was in my 40s when we were together. I don't have the body I had when I was 20, but I have done a LOT more research. Thanks to high speed internet and a tablet, I've watched way too much what I call "how-to porn." How to give the best handjob, how to give th best oral sex, different positions, etc. I would get a bit shy about explaining these things, so sometimes I'd send him links and tell him, "I want to try this." The Internet helped me say a lot of what I couldn't voice. He was in his 50s and was starting to have some erection trouble. It took him a while to believe that I was just happy to explore and see what caused a reaction. So, I became a better lover because of him. Because I wanted to make his eyes roll back. Because I was quite confident I didn't ( and still don't) know it all. I have friends who are swingers. I've had plenty of casual sex since it ended. I refer to those as 'maintenance f!cks'. I have not had anything requiring emotion, connection and commitment as yet. I'm getting ready to move to a larger town and it has a more active singles population. I think if I stop my workaholic tendencies and put myself out there, probably in the next year I will have something more serious. I'm ready for it. I've always said I was not in love with MM. I liked him, I cared for him. Had he been single I would have enjoyed the chance to have a relationship with him. But he wasn't single and I never allowed any future faking. I still miss my friend terribly. But this is the best for him. And today, in this moment, I believe itmismthe best for me I had the same experience! MM had a lot of trouble, it took a lot of work on my end and the sex was really fast, like 30 seconds to 2 minutes tops. He was in his mid to late 40s. I don't have that problem with my H so to be honest, while I still have all sorts of feelings for MM, I know in my heart the sex issues would have been a problem. I just don't have that kind of time. Link to post Share on other sites
NewLeaf512 Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 Self love after the affair. Yay or nay 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SolG Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 I'm still in my A... But I've been seeing others for almost a year, and a couple of months ago started taking other lovers. I have two at the moment; both casual arrangements. I feel no guilt and the sex is lovely :-) It's not off the charts like it is with MM--I need to have an emotional connection for sex to be mindblowing--but it's very pleasant. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SolG Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 Self love after the affair. Yay or nay Lol. The only thing that would stop self love for me would be death! Link to post Share on other sites
Lady2163 Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 I had the same experience! MM had a lot of trouble, it took a lot of work on my end and the sex was really fast, like 30 seconds to 2 minutes tops. He was in his mid to late 40s. I don't have that problem with my H so to be honest, while I still have all sorts of feelings for MM, I know in my heart the sex issues would have been a problem. I just don't have that kind of time. I don't know if this is still the thought process.... But my ex-husband was a two stroker. All night long. Two strokes, twenty minutes later, ready to go again. Two strokes...twenty minutes later....well, you get the idea. We went to therapy and this was one of the things discussed. Finally, privately and professionally couched, the counselor asked me about his history of masturbation. It turned out he had spent thirty years or longer of twice a day masturbation. That's not an activity that builds up a lot of stamina and he had essentially "trained" himself to get it over quick. It boggled my mind that he had probably had over 21,000 orgasms with his own hand. The orgasm was the reward and goal, so why spend a lot of time with self foreplay? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
NewLeaf512 Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 I had the same experience! MM had a lot of trouble, it took a lot of work on my end and the sex was really fast, like 30 seconds to 2 minutes tops. He was in his mid to late 40s. I don't have that problem with my H so to be honest, while I still have all sorts of feelings for MM, I know in my heart the sex issues would have been a problem. I just don't have that kind of time. This absolutely slayed me. Dear me! Awesome 1 Link to post Share on other sites
m4p Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 This is for everybody. Was the sex that good in the affairs, or did you feel used and hurt after the affair, so you didn't want sex? Or was it a combination? I feel the MM used me and I want to shut myself off from being hurt like that again. It's hard to trust men's motivations. For me the sex was mindblowing. Mostly because we both know what we wanted and we had very little reservations. Emotionally and physically it was very passionate. I cringe typing this out but that really was how it is. It was hard for me to let go like that with anyone else before. I will never regret the sex and I hope I can find that kind of chemistry again. I think I didn't want sex after the affair because I was not ready emotionally to bare myself to someone else. But I never felt used before. If anything, I wanted him for the sex more than he did towards me during the affair. Lol. Thank god for self-love. Haha. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
lemondrop21 Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 I'm still in my A... But I've been seeing others for almost a year, and a couple of months ago started taking other lovers. I have two at the moment; both casual arrangements. I feel no guilt and the sex is lovely :-) It's not off the charts like it is with MM--I need to have an emotional connection for sex to be mindblowing--but it's very pleasant. Well that's encouraging. Thank you for posting this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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