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Last week mm told me he could not afford to get me a Christmas gift. He has money and its never been a problem before to buy me a little gift. If he honestly could not afford to get me anything because of money I could really understand . However, he has been telling me the last week that he has been out buying Christmas gifts for his wife, family and neighbours. He even told me what he brought himself and his pet dog. Not sure how to describe that feeling hearing that. I couldn't even tell him how this makes me feel, I felt embarrassed I could be upset about it.

 

I can clearly see what my existence in his life means to him. It's not about the gift itself it's about the thought that he wanted to get me something at Christmas. He clearly doesn't want to. The last four Christmas he has always brought me something.

 

One of the things about Christmas is that it is meant to be a special time full of love and peace- I feel so unworthy and insignificant in his eyes. I won't even see him now until the new year as his in laws arrive and he won't be able to get out to see me.

 

My postman even left me a little pot of jam on my doorstep wishing me a merry Christmas. A complete stranger didn't even realise how much that meant to me! Maybe I have no right in being upset about this I am just the OW. However, what more do I need to hear to know I deserve better than this.

 

How would this make you feel?

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Last week mm told me he could not afford to get me a Christmas gift. He has money and its never been a problem before to buy me a little gift. If he honestly could not afford to get me anything because of money I could really understand . However, he has been telling me the last week that he has been out buying Christmas gifts for his wife, family and neighbours. He even told me what he brought himself and his pet dog. Not sure how to describe that feeling hearing that. I couldn't even tell him how this makes me feel, I felt embarrassed I could be upset about it.

 

I can clearly see what my existence in his life means to him. It's not about the gift itself it's about the thought that he wanted to get me something at Christmas. He clearly doesn't want to. The last four Christmas he has always brought me something.

 

One of the things about Christmas is that it is meant to be a special time full of love and peace- I feel so unworthy and insignificant in his eyes. I won't even see him now until the new year as his in laws arrive and he won't be able to get out to see me.

 

My postman even left me a little pot of jam on my doorstep wishing me a merry Christmas. A complete stranger didn't even realise how much that meant to me! Maybe I have no right in being upset about this I am just the OW. However, what more do I need to hear to know I deserve better than this.

 

How would this make you feel?

 

It would make me never see or speak to him again. I am concerned that there is a question in your mind about this. His neighbors? Are you sleeping with him? You can give him your body, and he can't get you a box of candy but his neighbours who aren't sleeping with him rate a gift?

 

My ExMM humiliated me in many ways but darling this blatant slap in the face is OTT. Dump him this minute please.

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I can clearly see what my existence in his life means to him.

 

How would this make you feel?

 

Since you now know that you don't mean very much to him, the Q becomes how much longer are you going to put up with it.

 

It would make me feel like trash. You are already the OW / the dirty little secret. Now he can't even make the effort to get you a token for Christmas.

 

Stop being a doormat. Start 2016 fresh, without him.

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I would not put up with that malarkey for one minute. I would probably say "No problem, as I plan to give the gift I have for you to a man who appreciates me. Enjoy your Christmas, I KNOW I will enjoy mine".

 

Honestly, there is some weird thing that goes on in the heads of OW. Why do we deserve less? You and he have chosen to be in a relationship and he needs to treat you like you matter. I would not stay with someone who treated me shabbily and neither should you.

 

OW put up with a lot and it is hard enough without being disregarded.

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He is telling you the truth. He actually cannot afford to buy you anything--not even something that costs only a dollar.

 

He is not saying "financially I cannot afford to buy gifts", but he is saying "emotionally I cannot bring myself to buy anything for YOU".

 

This is his way to tell you he cannot deal with the guilt and is getting close to ending it with you soon.

 

What he is saying is:

 

During the holidays, when it's all about the spirit of family and love and peace, and I am finding it hard to go shopping with a checklist in my pocket saying to myself:

1. gift for my kids--check

2. gift for my friends--check

3. gift for my wife, who is my life partner, mother of my children, faithful woman who has no idea I'm cheating--check

4. gift for my mistress, who I'm seeing behind my unsuspecting wife's back just for fun--check.

 

I know what you are talking about. I was in your shoes before. Only exception, I never wanted a gift, nor did I accept it even when my xMM bought something for me.

But I do remember him telling me at one point that he could not emotionally deal with going shopping and "in the same breath" buying something for his wife and buying something for me (the mistress). And I do remember hearing those words from him hurt me.

 

I'm sorry for your pain, as I relate to it myself. You do not deserve to suffer, but at the same time you do not have any right to ask for anything more either.

 

Unfortunately, you have no other option but to find a way to let him go now, simply because he's getting ready to let you.

 

People here understand your pain, for what it's worth.

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How stupid does your MM think you are when he says he can't "afford" a gift for you? Not only has he insulted your intelligence, he has showed you how little you mean to him. He knows you will be waiting on the sidelines no matter how badly he devalues you. While my exMM and I would take turns paying for drinks, lunches and dinners, I dont recall him ever doing anything thoughtful for me. I would do little things like pick him up lunch if he was tied up in meetings, get him a massage gift card if he said he was stressed, plan really fun and interesting dates to do stuff he'd never done before. hell, I even stupidly planned a wonderful vacation with all these cool excursions and he promised he would pay his portion back but never did. I got tired of giving and getting nothing back. He failed to realize that it wasn't about the monetary, material and tangible value of something, but a thoughtful selfless gesture for someone in your life you claim to love. Random strangers have done more thoughtful things for me than my ex.

 

Walk away from this. You deserve better. Trust me and many others that have had similar experiences - life on the flip side is healthier and happier. Start 2016 right and cut the dead weight loose!

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ShatteredLady

Better than buying you & the W the SAME gift!! Oh or a 'buy 1 get 1 half price' deal!! (my life!)

 

Why do ANY self respecting women tolerate this bollocks? REALLY?

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RecoveringSlowly

 

One of the things about Christmas is that it is meant to be a special time full of love and peace

 

It is exactly that, a time of love, and your existence threatens everything he loves. He doesn't love you. I am not saying that to be cruel, it is true. I would always buy my husband a gift before my dog. You are not the person he loves, you are the dirty little secret that turns him on. And this time of year he is confronted with family gatherings, tender moments with the wife and kids, reminders of everything he doesn't want to lose in this world. You are not one of them, you are a threat to them.

 

The question now is: do you love yourself enough to walk away?

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I agree with pretty much everybody else. He's shown you where you fall in his priorities while insulting your intelligence.

 

If he were single, would it be okay with you if your bf said he couldn't afford to get you a gift but then told you about the gifts he bought his neighbors, friends, and his dog?

 

I doubt it would. I think you'd see it for what it is, but you've lost perspective.

 

Is him being married somehow a free pass to treat you like garbage?

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Having been his secret for 4 years now... he knows you have low expectations and he probably wants put of the affair and hopes you'll pull the plug. He wants to see how little you'll accept and keep coming back. It's knowing he has this hold that's kept you being his mistress for so long.

 

NOBODY was put on earth to accept second best.... but you've allowed that to happen.

 

I'd like to send you the strength to end this affair and stop wasting precious time... it's the one thing you can't get back. You can get back your self esteem, your self respect and your self confidence BUT NEVER time. STOP giving him your time and dump his a** or stay and continue to be treated this way.

 

OW cannot honestly expect top notch treatment ... because it is what it is.. OW is accepting you are invisible to all others as far as the relationship is concerned. In life.. people will treat you how you let them.. take the power back... and look for an honest open relationship where you don't have to be a secret.....

 

Do yourself a list of pros and cons of being with him... which list comes out trumps.... is this the life you wanted for yourself? I verymuch doubt it. Why did you settle for this?

Can you really be happy like this forever?

 

It's more than clear that he doesn't care about you..... from here on he's preparing you to accept less than the dog who doesn't even know what Christmas is... let that sink in..... you expect to come after his wife and kids...but the DOG!!!!!

 

If you were my friend. ... I'd get one of my hunky male friends and take pictures of you and him on a night out and post all over social media with captions of how much fun your having so he could see.. then go total NC. Yep that would be the end of this nonsense.

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I never got anything for my MM. He would occasionaly buy me a present,bring treats. I never did. Not even for his birthday.I had a hard time doung that because of how guilty i felt towards my H. Ultimately,my H just meant so much more to me than my AP,though i did lose that sense for a little while.

You do not mean as much to him as he does to you. He doesnt mind telling you in so many words because he's pretty sure youll stick arround anyway. He showed you right where you belong in his life:nowhere

Self respect and dignity feel really good. They will feel goid enough to carry you through the pain of leaving. You got to leave,you know that,right?

Restoring boundries and self worth are your best long term bet.

End it.

You deserve way,way more.

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I would take this as a sign that he wants you to break up with him so that he doesn't have to do it himself.

 

Simple solution: just cease all communication with him. He'll get the message.

 

Now, I know you won't do that but it really would be the smartest thing to do. These relationships are nothing but a burden to the OW. No matter what, your best move is to disentangle yourself from this situation.

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Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart to all those who took the time to reply. I am very grateful.

 

I have read your posts over and over again today and it's really sinking in; I deserve better.

 

It's crystal clear to me now having you all confirm all the things I have been thinking about this situation. It's just not acceptable or healthy for me.

 

I went shopping today and brought myself a Christmas gift; to me love me! I wrapped it and put it under my Christmas tree. I realised that I don't need him to give me a gift and the best thing I can do is buy myself one to take a step and start loving myself! I do not deserve to be treated like that from him.

 

The shift in my feelings have really changed over the last week and I feel so angry with him. I HAVE to make the change and end it! I know what I have to do.

I love this quote;

 

“End it. Now…You have nothing. You have a pile of secrets and lies, and you’re calling it love. And in the meantime you’re letting your whole life pass you by while they raise children and celebrate anniversaries and grow old together. You’re frozen in time. You’re holding your breath, you’re a statue waiting for something that’s never going to happen. Living for stolen moments and hotel hallways and coat closets. You keep telling yourself they all add up to something real because in your mind they have to, but they don’t. They won’t. They never will because stolen moments aren’t a life. So you have nothing. You have no one. End it now.”

 

I can't wait for him to text me Christmas morning; maybe I will tell him I can't talk to him because I am too busy open my presents from the people who love and care for me!

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Please dump this disgusting excuse of a man ASAP. Couldn't get you box of chocolates? Bouquet of flowers? A CARD? After four years together?

 

I am insulted for you. He is not worth another second of your time. Much love and peace to you...you know what to do, just do it!

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Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart to all those who took the time to reply. I am very grateful.

 

I have read your posts over and over again today and it's really sinking in; I deserve better.

 

It's crystal clear to me now having you all confirm all the things I have been thinking about this situation. It's just not acceptable or healthy for me.

 

I went shopping today and brought myself a Christmas gift; to me love me! I wrapped it and put it under my Christmas tree. I realised that I don't need him to give me a gift and the best thing I can do is buy myself one to take a step and start loving myself! I do not deserve to be treated like that from him.

 

The shift in my feelings have really changed over the last week and I feel so angry with him. I HAVE to make the change and end it! I know what I have to do.

I love this quote;

 

“End it. Now…You have nothing. You have a pile of secrets and lies, and you’re calling it love. And in the meantime you’re letting your whole life pass you by while they raise children and celebrate anniversaries and grow old together. You’re frozen in time. You’re holding your breath, you’re a statue waiting for something that’s never going to happen. Living for stolen moments and hotel hallways and coat closets. You keep telling yourself they all add up to something real because in your mind they have to, but they don’t. They won’t. They never will because stolen moments aren’t a life. So you have nothing. You have no one. End it now.”

 

I can't wait for him to text me Christmas morning; maybe I will tell him I can't talk to him because I am too busy open my presents from the people who love and care for me!

 

This is simply the best thing I've heard all day darling.

 

Now a la Louise Hay do some affirmations.

 

Put on a chic little number and do your face, dab some scent on and dress it all up with your biggest smile and take YOU out on a date. To dinner To the cinema. On a jaunty little stroll. Whatever you fancy. NL x

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I can't wait for him to text me Christmas morning; maybe I will tell him I can't talk to him because I am too busy open my presents from the people who love and care for me!

 

 

You are so right about being frozen in time while they get on with their lives. Don't allow your best years to sail by, when you could be with a man who loves you.

 

 

The only gift you should give him is his marching orders.

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I don't like the fact that you are waiting for his text on Christmas . . . It is clear that everyone suggests that you end this relationship (I concur!). But that statement that you can't wait to get his text . . .You haven't let go yet.

 

If you truly want to move on . . block his number from your phone (my carrier will only do this for two months without charging a fee but I sure as hell hope I am in a better place in two months when the block ends). Delete him as a favorite on your phone and any photos of him on your phone. All of these will be triggers for you.

 

The best gift you can give yourself is to decide you are important . . .you are no longer an "afterthought" (which is how I often thought myself to be). Block him so that all he receives from Christmas from you is . . .nothing.

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If he texts on Christmas it would only be a breadcrumb anyways...he would have to hide his phone and sneak off to the bathroom.

What's the point?

The planned response you have sounds a little emotional/dramatic/slightly immature (no offense)

Just say NOTHING. Ever. New year, new you.

Be thankful this happened to open your eyes it's time to let go now.

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Try not to make xmas morning all about his text. I know its hard!

NC means you do not reply at all. Block him if you think you cannot resist.

Telling him youre busy opening gifts is both immature and implies youre back in the game if he begs nicely. Saying that is opening the door.

Some hard times ahead for you,but better times right afterwards.

hold on,stay strong.

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Last week mm told me he could not afford to get me a Christmas gift. He has money and its never been a problem before to buy me a little gift. If he honestly could not afford to get me anything because of money I could really understand . However, he has been telling me the last week that he has been out buying Christmas gifts for his wife, family and neighbours. He even told me what he brought himself and his pet dog. Not sure how to describe that feeling hearing that. I couldn't even tell him how this makes me feel, I felt embarrassed I could be upset about it.

 

I can clearly see what my existence in his life means to him. It's not about the gift itself it's about the thought that he wanted to get me something at Christmas. He clearly doesn't want to. The last four Christmas he has always brought me something.

 

One of the things about Christmas is that it is meant to be a special time full of love and peace- I feel so unworthy and insignificant in his eyes. I won't even see him now until the new year as his in laws arrive and he won't be able to get out to see me.

 

My postman even left me a little pot of jam on my doorstep wishing me a merry Christmas. A complete stranger didn't even realise how much that meant to me! Maybe I have no right in being upset about this I am just the OW. However, what more do I need to hear to know I deserve better than this.

 

How would this make you feel?

 

Of course I would feel awful.

 

But you do have choices Hope. The new year is around the corner, perfect time to make changes and you could maybe start with letting MM go and reaching for something better.

 

I know it's not easy, esp if you've invested a lot of time into it and you're "hopeful," but ultimately we have choices. And the worst feeling is to stick around and in the end MM is the one who slowly pulls away and then dumps you altogether. I don't know what is in his mind, but if this is atypical and he's always given you gifts, maybe this is his way of slowly detaching from the A and things like this will only increase as time goes by. Own your power by making decisions for yourself. Even if you can't cut him off in one cold turkey swoop, you too can start detaching until you're strong enough to end it completely. Owning your own power will make you feel better than allowing him to treat you poorly then pull the plug on things anyway.

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At first, I was for the f-off in response to an Xmas text. But now I agree with the posters who said just to block him now.

 

It's an empowering thought, but what if he doesn't even text? Or he does but responds with something that makes you feel sh*tty. I say don't give him the chance. Just block and ignore him now. He doesn't deserve any kind of response from you.

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