Falling for a Married Man

[winny]

Hi Friends

 

I am getting more n more attracted to this married male friend of mine. I just don't know how to stop myself. I was very sure I can control my emotions. But instead of that I am actually longing to talk to him all the time.

I have no idea what he is thinking. I need some tips on how I can overcome this situation. I have no intentions of telling this person how I feel. However that doesn't make me feel any less heartbroken that out of all the people I had to fall for this guy who is not available.

 

- winny

[Gaeta]

Quit cold turkey. It's just infatuation caused by loneliness, you'll survive.

[Hopeful30]

Been there done that. Trust me on this one, CUT ALL CONTACT. Seeing him will only fuel your desires and fantasies, to the point where you might actually start an affair.

 

I had the most self control in the world, and I almost slipped once. I even posted on here asking what to do, because this man gripped me inside and out. If you want to avoid a painful situation, then cut him off right away.

[smackie9]

Distract yourself by keeping yourself busy. Try volunteering for a charity to get some self fulfillment. You just need to find other ways to feel good about yourself....raise your self esteem.

[Hopeful30]

Distract yourself by keeping yourself busy. Try volunteering for a charity to get some self fulfillment. You just need to find other ways to feel good about yourself....raise your self esteem.

 

I don't think self esteem is the issue. It's very possible she just likes him because she really likes him.

 

I've noticed a negative trend on LS. People always attack the poster, or assume a poster is in a situation because of their own short comings. It's very likely this girl just fell in love with a married man because she just did, that's how love happens.

 

Regardless WHY, OP you need to distance yourself, because whether this is an act of true love or low self esteem, it doesn't matter. The feelings are there and unless you truly believe this is the man for you, and you need to fight for him (unless kids are involved) then realize he's made his choice and married someone else. You deserve more.

[winny]

Stop trying to take another woman's man. Find yours. Don't be a home breaker.

 

I am not trying to. As I said I have no intention of telling him my feelings. I am just trying to see how I can deal with my emotions and heart break feeling.

[smackie9]

I don't think self esteem is the issue. It's very possible she just likes him because she really likes him.

 

I've noticed a negative trend on LS. People always attack the poster, or assume a poster is in a situation because of their own short comings. It's very likely this girl just fell in love with a married man because she just did, that's how love happens.

 

Regardless WHY, OP you need to distance yourself, because whether this is an act of true love or low self esteem, it doesn't matter. The feelings are there and unless you truly believe this is the man for you, and you need to fight for him (unless kids are involved) then realize he's made his choice and married someone else. You deserve more.

Why not let the OP counter my post so we can get a better idea where her head is at and how she got to this point.

[winny]

I don't think self esteem is the issue. It's very possible she just likes him because she really likes him.

 

I've noticed a negative trend on LS. People always attack the poster, or assume a poster is in a situation because of their own short comings. It's very likely this girl just fell in love with a married man because she just did, that's how love happens.

 

Regardless WHY, OP you need to distance yourself, because whether this is an act of true love or low self esteem, it doesn't matter. The feelings are there and unless you truly believe this is the man for you, and you need to fight for him (unless kids are involved) then realize he's made his choice and married someone else. You deserve more.

 

Yeah I know I need to do this. This is a good friend of mine and I know him from before he was married and I did not have any feelings for him that time nor did he. It will be so hard to cut him off from my life since I have very few friends to start with as I am very choosy and I actually cut off so many people from my life when they hurt me or I dont find them worthy of my time. And I know he will ask me a 1000 questions and also be hurt if I just go away and distance myself. This will be a hard decision. And since I have realized that I have to do it I am struggling so much I am unable to concentrate on anything else.

[xxoo]

I am not trying to. As I said I have no intention of telling him my feelings. I am just trying to see how I can deal with my emotions and heart break feeling.

 

To get over a crush:

 

stop feeding it (end contact)

 

give yourself time to feel sad

 

when ready, seek healthier opportunities to develop a crush on someone else. Treat yourself to a new outfit, flirt with single men, and have some fun.

 

There are much brighter opportunities for you, buy you've got to shut this one down and move through the pain to emerge in a better place.

[xxoo]

Yeah I know I need to do this. This is a good friend of mine and I know him from before he was married and I did not have any feelings for him that time nor did he. It will be so hard to cut him off from my life since I have very few friends to start with as I am very choosy and I actually cut off so many people from my life when they hurt me or I dont find them worthy of my time. And I know he will ask me a 1000 questions and also be hurt if I just go away and distance myself. This will be a hard decision. And since I have realized that I have to do it I am struggling so much I am unable to concentrate on anything else.

 

You won't have to cut contact with him forever. You'll get over the crush, especially once you've moved on with someone else.

 

How well do you know his wife?

[Hopeful30]

Yeah I know I need to do this. This is a good friend of mine and I know him from before he was married and I did not have any feelings for him that time nor did he. It will be so hard to cut him off from my life since I have very few friends to start with as I am very choosy and I actually cut off so many people from my life when they hurt me or I dont find them worthy of my time. And I know he will ask me a 1000 questions and also be hurt if I just go away and distance myself. This will be a hard decision. And since I have realized that I have to do it I am struggling so much I am unable to concentrate on anything else.

 

It doesn't matter. If he's really a good guy, you will tell him that you don't expect him to understand, but you need to be alone for a little while, and that includes no contact with him.

 

Try not to be too concerned about him. He's a grown man. He can handle himself. You need to focus on doing whatever you need to do to make yourself feel better and head in the direction that is healthy for you.

 

PM me if you have any other questions. I would be more than happy to help.

[winny]

You won't have to cut contact with him forever. You'll get over the crush, especially once you've moved on with someone else.

 

How well do you know his wife?

 

I know her very little. He got married few months back.

[winny]

Okay guys thanks for your responses and I do agree that I need to distance myself from this person. I am going to start trying that today

[winny]

I will keep you posted how am I doing... I am going to need some support to stay strong.

[winny]

PM me if you have any other questions. I would be more than happy to help.

Thank you that is very kind of you. I will definitely reach out to you ...

[winny]

So I am moving back and forth between 2 feelings.

Sometimes I am remembering our conversations and feeling happy n smiling to myself and then suddenly I remember I have to stop and I feel sad... Trying to divert my mind and not start messaging him.

[Hopeful30]

So I am moving back and forth between 2 feelings.

Sometimes I am remembering our conversations and feeling happy n smiling to myself and then suddenly I remember I have to stop and I feel sad... Trying to divert my mind and not start messaging him.

 

You just have to choose which wolf to feed: the good one or the bad one.

[winny]

Update : Have not texted him for a day now. Got a text from him regarding something we had talked earlier.. Didn't respond....

[Space Ritual]

Hi Winny,

 

I won't attack you for feeling how you feel. I am aware that we humans really can't help whom we fall for, whether they are available or unavailable.

 

I know that emotions can run pretty high especially when someone is in the opening stages as to how they feel.

 

A short term fix would be to have a rubber band around your wrists and every time you think about him snap it as hard as you can against your wrist. I know that is pretty sophomoric but the sensation can temporarily snap you back into reality.

 

The second thing I can suggest is to sit down and actually write out your feelings. Then make a list of the pros and cons of actually pursuing this if you were considering it, although you have stated you have no intention of doing so.

 

My guess is that the cons far outweigh the pros of undertaking such an exercise.

 

Look at it this way, just for arguments sake, were you in fact going to pursue it.

 

If you did,what would make you think that you would be anything other than a piece of ass to a newly married man? Would it be out of the realm of possibility to consider that he would throw you under the bus as soon as he could were you to be discovered? Would he want to throw his new marriage away and walk off into the sunset with you so soon? And what makes you think if he were to mess about with you that you are the only one? If a guy who is newly married would do it with one girl, he certainly would not stop at just one. I am just saying to you that you being special to him would have a very short duration until he could bang someone else that had a nicer ass or bigger boobs. It is just the way it is. Looking for the next sure thing to come along.

 

 

So again, I am not attacking you at all. I am sure you are in a bit of exasperation as to why you feel like this. All I can say is to think about the Cost/Benefit ratio in toto and that would give you pause.

 

Good Luck.

[winny]

Hi Winny,

 

I won't attack you for feeling how you feel. I am aware that we humans really can't help whom we fall for, whether they are available or unavailable.

 

I know that emotions can run pretty high especially when someone is in the opening stages as to how they feel.

 

A short term fix would be to have a rubber band around your wrists and every time you think about him snap it as hard as you can against your wrist. I know that is pretty sophomoric but the sensation can temporarily snap you back into reality.

 

The second thing I can suggest is to sit down and actually write out your feelings. Then make a list of the pros and cons of actually pursuing this if you were considering it, although you have stated you have no intention of doing so.

 

My guess is that the cons far outweigh the pros of undertaking such an exercise.

 

Look at it this way, just for arguments sake, were you in fact going to pursue it.

 

If you did,what would make you think that you would be anything other than a piece of ass to a newly married man? Would it be out of the realm of possibility to consider that he would throw you under the bus as soon as he could were you to be discovered? Would he want to throw his new marriage away and walk off into the sunset with you so soon? And what makes you think if he were to mess about with you that you are the only one? If a guy who is newly married would do it with one girl, he certainly would not stop at just one. I am just saying to you that you being special to him would have a very short duration until he could bang someone else that had a nicer ass or bigger boobs. It is just the way it is. Looking for the next sure thing to come along.

 

 

So again, I am not attacking you at all. I am sure you are in a bit of exasperation as to why you feel like this. All I can say is to think about the Cost/Benefit ratio in toto and that would give you pause.

 

Good Luck.

 

Thank you. You are absolutely right.

I dont know how these feelings developed and I really really dont want to fall down so low to become the other woman... I wont be able to forgive myself. Thats why I decided never to disclose my feelings to him bcoz I dont know how he might react. And if he then starts flirting with me or wants to have an affair it would be so much more complicated. These feelings have grown steadily in the last 2 months when he and I texted a bit too much I would say.

I am just struggling right now as I am losing a friend as well as someone I have fallen for...

Those tips u said I am going to try them.. the rubber band one sounds good to me. I have been making mental lists of pros n cons all day yesterday.. trying to find faults with his personality and that kept me from texting him.

[Space Ritual]

trying to find faults with his personality and that kept me from texting him.

 

 

You may be better served giving yourself more credit than you are currently are. As opposed to trying to concentrate on his faults, also be sure to make sure you also think about your positive attributes that would make you a great catch for some single guy. I know that it is easy to get lost in the shuffle when you are trying to find fault, but remember one huge positive here:

 

You actually took the initiative and posted about your feelings and get feedback instead of throwing caution to the wind and taken an irreversible step. You have been here on LS long enough to read some of the horror stories from people that did not think about it at all and dove in head first, only to come here and bemoan the fact it all blew up in their faces.

 

How many times have you rolled your eyes when you read those posts and said to yourself "How stupid is that?"

 

So give yourself some credit.

[winny]

You may be better served giving yourself more credit than you are currently are. As opposed to trying to concentrate on his faults, also be sure to make sure you also think about your positive attributes that would make you a great catch for some single guy. I know that it is easy to get lost in the shuffle when you are trying to find fault, but remember one huge positive here:

 

You actually took the initiative and posted about your feelings and get feedback instead of throwing caution to the wind and taken an irreversible step. You have been here on LS long enough to read some of the horror stories from people that did not think about it at all and dove in head first, only to come here and bemoan the fact it all blew up in their faces.

 

How many times have you rolled your eyes when you read those posts and said to yourself "How stupid is that?"

 

So give yourself some credit.

 

I am at work and hurting right now... dont know how I got myself to this situation...

[Hopeful30]

I am at work and hurting right now... dont know how I got myself to this situation...

 

I know this might be an immature approach, but find another man to have fun with! I don't mean go out and have sex with the first cute guy you see (oh if it were that easy!) but have a girls night, or get flirty with guys you think might show interest. It doesn't mean it will go somewhere, but flirting with other guys (random or not) is fun and will show you that you can grab the interest of other available guys (even if you aren't ready for anything right now).

 

Take a few days to cry him out, then go out and find some dudes to enjoy silliness with. Men are so great for that, they really know how to let loose and just let you be you without having to be all prim and proper. It's why most of my friends are guys. Women (generally, not all of course) are competitive, jealous, they gossip a lot (even if not about YOU, they gossip and its annoying).

 

Men can just light up a fat joint, chill on the couch and play COD all night. It's frickin awesome Good guy friends can even throw a compliment in here or there, and they can really help lift your spirits Ohhhh how I miss having guy friends. They all have wives or girlfriends now I'm all alone

[Lady2163]

Update : Have not texted him for a day now. Got a text from him regarding something we had talked earlier.. Didn't respond....

 

If this is out of character for you, that may bring out a confrontation from him. Every action has a reaction.

 

If he does ask you if something is wrong, I'd be prepared to be honest with him.

 

"I believe I'm developing feelings for you. No matter how great a guy you are, I deserve so much more than to be a mistress. I just need some time and space to let this subside."

 

If he's a good guy and happy in his marriage, he should leave in a hurry. If he isn't happy, then you may have to be really strong, because he could turn on the charm. There is a thrill in the chase and capture.

[whichwayisup]

So I am moving back and forth between 2 feelings.

Sometimes I am remembering our conversations and feeling happy n smiling to myself and then suddenly I remember I have to stop and I feel sad... Trying to divert my mind and not start messaging him.

 

It's OK to be sad. Don't be afraid to feel pain. It won't kill you, it'll make you stronger as time goes on. It'll empower you as you feel less and less, and make you feel confident.