lookingforclosure Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 I hate the fact i'm even posting again...but here's what my experience has been the last 7 months xMM left me on the hook back in Jan...said he would contact me on my birthday, which never happened. So I attempted to contact him 3-4 times over a 4 month period, stopped once I figured out I had been blocked. I would pass him on the road and he wouldn't even acknowledge me. So the beginning of May he was behind me at a stop light...20 mins later he text me and was apologizing for the way he treated me and that he was hurting very much. I didn't respond so I got 4 more text within 20 mins. The usual blah blah blah He finally asked if I would talk with him, I sat on it for awhile and agreed that I would. As soon as I did that he blew my phone up for days...I met with him and had my closure, or what I thought would be. But I allowed him to reel me back in slowly but surely. I eventually gave in...several weeks after that he started the push/pull. His W asked him to leave so he went dark on me once again for a couple days. Said he was under severe stress and needed some time to sort out things. He popped back up 3 weeks later saying she was leaving him and that his world is crumbling apart and he's tried to keep his family together for his kids sake (the same line and dance I guess they all use) That he's wanted to just drive over to my house and cry in my arms. (Sympathy Card) Well she left last week...her family purchased a residence and she moved with the kids. He of course has shut me down once again. He is going to do everything he possibly can to get his family back by the end of the year. He's going to be the husband he has neglected to be for many years...they will still continue to do the family things that were planned and he's finally talked her into marriage counseling. Their first session they attended when they were still under the same roof didn't go so well...he won't be honest about the extent of our relationship. I have had to come to the realitization that we will never actually be. She threatened to leave twice before she actually did it...he tried for a bit but not 100%. She has done it, and he has put me in the box again I guess until he sees how things will play out. I'm hurt, but honestly I somewhat expected it. She's gone and he still didn't choose me. And even if he did and 2 years down the road she wanted to get back together I think he would drop me then, no matter where we were in our relationship. I'm sure with the work he can get them back home, i'm letting him go. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
the_artist_1970 Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 It is really good that you are letting him go. Even if he did choose you, you have shown him that have little regard for yourself, therefore he will never respect you. You have shown him that you don't care a lot about yourself and that you are willing to be his doormat just to have him in your life. As a woman, you should be the prize to any man. You should demand more respect and not tolerate this kind of treatment from any man. We teach people how to treat us. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Hopefully he loses both of you in the end! 6 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 i'm sorry you're going through this. you deserve someone who will choose you and only you, hang in there sweetheart. take it one day at a time & decide to kick him out of your life for good! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lookingforclosure Posted August 4, 2015 Author Share Posted August 4, 2015 It is really good that you are letting him go. Even if he did choose you, you have shown him that have little regard for yourself, therefore he will never respect you. You have shown him that you don't care a lot about yourself and that you are willing to be his doormat just to have him in your life. As a woman, you should be the prize to any man. You should demand more respect and not tolerate this kind of treatment from any man. We teach people how to treat us. You are so right I have shown him that no matter how he treats me, i'm always there to tolerate any bit of "crumbs" he throws my way. No matter how hard it may be to "kick the habit" I have to. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lookingforclosure Posted August 4, 2015 Author Share Posted August 4, 2015 Hopefully he loses both of you in the end! Funny you should say that Popsicle...many of my friends seem to think that's EXACTLY what's going to happen. Who has their family purchase them a residence for it to be a temporary split. Renting, yes...but to sign a mortgage..that seems pretty permanent to me. He thinks otherwise, she just needs time and space to find herself...maybe she'll find herself another man too lol 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 MM: He fits the profile perfectly. Avoid. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lookingforclosure Posted August 4, 2015 Author Share Posted August 4, 2015 Yeah Satu...I don't have much choice but to AVOID I had wished things were different the second time around...but I guess as OW we always "hope" for things to have changed, that some how the realize they want us. I feel like a total idiot..all the time he's telling me that he's in love with me and if she moved out it would be hard to do the work to "woo" her back while he knew I was available and how much I loved him. Then it all goes south...he even helps with the move, all the time telling someone else how he is willing to do whatever it takes to get his family back. I have never let on I know that he's speaking out of both sides of his mouth...he just thinks I sit here in darkness 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 I think until he admits the true extent of the affair, he's lost his wife . She knows there's more than he's saying and she probably isn't buying it. Men like this end up sad. Soon enough the BW will find someone else and he'll be kicking himself. All as a result of selfishness. If he can treat his wife that he loves and mother of his kids like this, I wouldn't want to be his enemy. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lookingforclosure Posted August 4, 2015 Author Share Posted August 4, 2015 I think until he admits the true extent of the affair, he's lost his wife . She knows there's more than he's saying and she probably isn't buying it. Men like this end up sad. Soon enough the BW will find someone else and he'll be kicking himself. All as a result of selfishness. If he can treat his wife that he loves and mother of his kids like this, I wouldn't want to be his enemy. Yes SandyLee...she had seen the interaction on phone records a year ago...many many hours of text and calls. Then you know there's other chat apps now so those are mostly kept secret. He's gaslighted her and she still brings me up on the regular. We as women know when there is something off...I did in my marriage. Even though I couldn't prove, deep down I knew (calls and change of behavior) She did ask for time and space to find herself...she may decide once she's out from under his control she can do better as well, kids or not. I am starting to get myself involved in other things to occupy my time so I can quit obsessing whether or not she will take him back. I have to find me again. And hopefully open myself up to finding someone available who can love me the way I deserve...not just when it's conveinient Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Yes SandyLee...she had seen the interaction on phone records a year ago...many many hours of text and calls. Then you know there's other chat apps now so those are mostly kept secret. He's gaslighted her and she still brings me up on the regular. We as women know when there is something off...I did in my marriage. Even though I couldn't prove, deep down I knew (calls and change of behavior) She did ask for time and space to find herself...she may decide once she's out from under his control she can do better as well, kids or not. I am starting to get myself involved in other things to occupy my time so I can quit obsessing whether or not she will take him back. I have to find me again. And hopefully open myself up to finding someone available who can love me the way I deserve...not just when it's conveinient Probably need a bit more info.... I could certainly understand he has gone thru a LOT of stress and anxiety with the divorce of his wife. I wouldn't hold that too seriously against him.... people react strange with high stress. The real question is how long has your relationship been and what do YOU want. You may have enough time with him and care enough to make it work after he gets totally free, and without the stress and hassle, could be a good guy. I'm sure you both knew what you were getting into from the start, and what promises you made to each other and how you felt. You may just want to lay low and see where it goes. Not saying that his is a perfect situation, but you may not feel up to dating other for a while either. Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Closure: It's tough, but keep putting one foot in front of the other and walk away. There is no possible outcome here that will feed your soul or give you the love you deserve. You know that scene in Star Wars when Obi Wan says, "These are not the droids you're looking for."? Well...I'm no Obi Wan, but "this is not the man you're looking for." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Be_Strong Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Trust me, you wouldn't want him for yourself now even if he came begging to be with you. The only way this guy ever ends up with you is if his wife once and for all completely rejects him and he accepts that it is over with her. He will go to you then because he can't be alone, but he would secretly detest and resent you because in his mind you are the reason why he lost his family and his world fell apart. That would result in an emotionally abusive relationship and you would realize the "prize" you once wanted so badly was actually the worst thing that ever happened to you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Yes SandyLee...she had seen the interaction on phone records a year ago...many many hours of text and calls. Then you know there's other chat apps now so those are mostly kept secret. He's gaslighted her and she still brings me up on the regular. We as women know when there is something off...I did in my marriage. Even though I couldn't prove, deep down I knew (calls and change of behavior) She did ask for time and space to find herself...she may decide once she's out from under his control she can do better as well, kids or not. I am starting to get myself involved in other things to occupy my time so I can quit obsessing whether or not she will take him back. I have to find me again. And hopefully open myself up to finding someone available who can love me the way I deserve...not just when it's conveinient Quite often WS say it was an EA but with so much contact via text and calls , that's tough to believe. The only way people believe it's an EA is when they don't lives thousands of miles apart. It's the knowing you're being lied to that kills the marriage and that's what hurts the BS as much as the betrayal if not more. I never quite get why people chuck it all away without thinking about the consequences. Good luck to you moving on and finding yourself. Just be strong enough to know that you don't need a proven cheat. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lookingforclosure Posted August 4, 2015 Author Share Posted August 4, 2015 SandyLee I have mentioned to him that in order to actually move forward he would have to be honest, he said he couldn't bare to tell her the details. I told him, trust me she knows...but lying is making it worse. She hasn't seen any proof of contact in over a year...but it stills comes up. She knows and continuing to gaslight will be the end of it i'm sure. What a mess... Link to post Share on other sites
nikki76 Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 It just amazes me how these stories are all the same. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 Yeah Satu...I don't have much choice but to AVOID I had wished things were different the second time around...but I guess as OW we always "hope" for things to have changed, that some how the realize they want us. I feel like a total idiot..all the time he's telling me that he's in love with me and if she moved out it would be hard to do the work to "woo" her back while he knew I was available and how much I loved him. Then it all goes south...he even helps with the move, all the time telling someone else how he is willing to do whatever it takes to get his family back. I have never let on I know that he's speaking out of both sides of his mouth...he just thinks I sit here in darkness Snipped from my journal: What the other woman believes "He's a great guy, but he's trapped in an unhappy marriage. He and his wife haven't had sex in years. He says he has no feelings for her, and loves me. He feels that he can't leave because of what it would do to his kids, but I do think that he'll leave her though, when the kids are a bit older." This is life on the edge of reality, in a little bubble of imaginings." Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 It just amazes me how these stories are all the same. Yes it is amazing. It makes me think of Invasion of the Body Snatchers. They've probably all got lots of pods to distribute. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 It just amazes me how these stories are all the same. If I didn't know any better, I'd swear they are all following a script. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lookingforclosure Posted August 5, 2015 Author Share Posted August 5, 2015 If I didn't know any better, I'd swear they are all following a script. They must sell it on Amazon, lol 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 "I feel nothing for her, you are the love of my life. Please just be patient with me." Exits stage left. (Again.) 3 Link to post Share on other sites
nikki76 Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 Yes it is amazing. It makes me think of Invasion of the Body Snatchers. They've probably all got lots of pods to distribute. That made me laugh out loud! That was one of my favorite movies as a kid. Maybe that's why I got snatched so easily. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
nikki76 Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 "I feel nothing for her, you are the love of my life. Please just be patient with me." Exits stage left. (Again.) Even sicker, my xmm used to say they were best friends. Really? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lookingforclosure Posted August 5, 2015 Author Share Posted August 5, 2015 Even sicker, my xmm used to say they were best friends. Really? My xMM used to say we were best friends...and to some extent we were before the line was crossed. I knew him for a couple years and we genuinely did have a lot in common. But all that aside, I could never compete with kids, family, and the history he has with his W Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 Yea, there are a lot of similarities in these OW/OM stories.... That's what this whole section is about.... lots of them almost the same, but there's always a twist or something different. And there's always a reason that an affair starts, and it often involves more than just the affair partners. Something failed in the marriage, too. And some are in it for a LTR with their AP on a part time basis, without a divorce, and some are promised a divorce and want to end up with a 100% commitment with their AP. But one thing that crops up a lot, is that things just don't turn out the way they were originally planned.... something goes wrong or changes, and then you have these heart breaking stories here. However, seem that without a doubt that anyone that gets into an affair and ends up the OW/OM has to realize that there are a lot more risks that just being single and dating. And, I could argue, if you jump in you're going to have to deal with the goods and bads. Link to post Share on other sites
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