Can the OW have HER cake and eat it too?

[KissMyTiara]

Can the OW have HER cake and eat it too?

 

Can the OW, while in a going-nowhere relationship with MM, go out and get a single, available, honest, caring boyfriend while still with MM and THEN break it off with MM?

 

Or, perhaps it would be better put this way: Have any of you OW been successful in weaning yourself off of MM by going out and finding a "real" relationship, or was it impossible for you in that MM was all you wanted, could think about, etc?

 

Reason I ask is because I really, really DO want out, but I think the only way that is going to happen right now is if I find a quick, immediate rebound replacement.

 

Advice?

[scarletibis]

You know, I've wondered that myself! But how do you tear yourself away from someone you love sooo much. It's like I'm blind when it comes to other men. Honesly, I don't even see them I'm so enamored with my MM, and we've been together 4 years. Early on I did get into a relationship with a great single guy with the intention of leaving MM but just couldn't do it. I just didn't feel anywhere near for the new guy what I felt for my MM, and horribly I just began to resent him for not being my MM that I loved so much. And my feelings for him have only intensified over our 4 year span.

 

It's so sad though, seriously! Believe me though, there are days (especially holidays) when I have to go without him, knowing he's with his fam while I'm home alone and it hurts so bad, and I wonder why I'm doing this to myself, and then I hear his voice, or see him smile, and it's like "what was I just thinking about...being lonely or something...I don't remember now?!?" Know what I mean?

 

Wish I could offer you some advice, but I'm just as lost as the rest!

[Mustard Bomb]

Are you seriously that terrified to be alone?

 

That might point to much deeper problems in yourself, is all, ones that only counselling/therapy could help with.

 

I don't know that much about this stuff, but there seems to be a lot of people pretty knowledgeable about that kind of thing here.

[Matilda]

That might point to much deeper problems in yourself, is all, ones that only counselling/therapy could help with.

 

Agreed. I would guess that is a big clue to why you are in the situation you are in.

[Owl]

KMT-

 

I have to admit that I'm a little hesitant to even respond to one of your posts, considering how opposite you and I tend to be, but...

 

Can you "have your cake and eat it too"? Sure...you don't owe him any more than he owes you.

 

As far as what everyone else has said on the counseling, I'd have to agree. You strike me as a "strong personality"...not afraid of being brutally honest or going directly after what you want. I hope that you look at yourself and find the self-confidence to realize that you can make it on your own if you need to...can do anything you decide to at all.

 

This post was meant kindly....really. Please don't read any double meanings or anything else into it. All I want to say is that you've got the strength to do whatever you want to do...so if you're wanting to end this relationship, you've got the strength to make it happen.

[littleflowerpot]

Originally posted by Mustard Bomb

Are you seriously that terrified to be alone?

 

That might point to much deeper problems in yourself, is all, ones that only counselling/therapy could help with.

 

I don't know that much about this stuff, but there seems to be a lot of people pretty knowledgeable about that kind of thing here.

 

just wanted to point out that although this is the reason some women become involved with attached men, this is not always the reason.

 

not that i'm saying that's what mustard said. it's just some people on this board think they know the psychology of everyone that posts anything they don't like. i'm sure this isn't the case with mustard.

[ICantStopLovinHim]

I just had to reply to you.

 

I was the OW in a relationship for two years, before i was able to decide i couldn't take the lonliness anymore. The thinking about him being with her at night while i am all alone.

 

So i did what you just asked i found a really nice caring loving man who adored me. He did it all from the flowers to the candy to get me away from my MM. ( He knew about me and the MM). He would always say how he could make me happier because he would give me his all 100% where he knew the MM couldnt.

 

So i left the MM i broke it off with him at a gathering of all of our friends on a friday night with my now current boyfriend at a safe distance watching us argue over the "break up" that was on Aug. 10th 2002.

 

I have since had a child with my current boyfriend and i tried. I tried so hard to start all over with a man and a family but you know what? 2 1/2 years later that MM is ALL I can think about. Day and night he is on my mind. The love i had and still have for him is nothing i can ever have with my current b/f. And the worst part? I feel i have betrayed my boyfriend. Because while he was willing to give me his all when we started our relationship, I couldnt return the favor because part of my heart was with the MM and still is. And the pain of having that hang heavily in my heart every time i look at my b/f is nothing short of killing me inside.

 

I wish someone would tell me how you can make yourself hate someone you love so much. Because i know my b/f deserves the chance to be with all of me not just the part that hasnt shut down from missing my MM so damn much.

 

So while my situation may not be what will happen to everyone. It is what i have done and what i have to deal with. Before I ever had the chance to walk away and start over i used an innocent man to get me away from someone i never stopped loving....and now i am paying big time for what i have done. I love my b/f he is the father of my son. But i know deep in my heart i cant ever be in love with him the way i was with my MM. I cant give him all of my heart, because i never gave myself the chance to get it all back.

[scarletibis]

Originally posted by ICantStopLovinHim

I just had to reply to you.

 

I was the OW in a relationship for two years, before i was able to decide i couldn't take the lonliness anymore. The thinking about him being with her at night while i am all alone.

 

So i did what you just asked i found a really nice caring loving man who adored me. He did it all from the flowers to the candy to get me away from my MM. ( He knew about me and the MM). He would always say how he could make me happier because he would give me his all 100% where he knew the MM couldnt.

 

So i left the MM i broke it off with him at a gathering of all of our friends on a friday night with my now current boyfriend at a safe distance watching us argue over the "break up" that was on Aug. 10th 2002.

 

I have since had a child with my current boyfriend and i tried. I tried so hard to start all over with a man and a family but you know what? 2 1/2 years later that MM is ALL I can think about. Day and night he is on my mind. The love i had and still have for him is nothing i can ever have with my current b/f. And the worst part? I feel i have betrayed my boyfriend. Because while he was willing to give me his all when we started our relationship, I couldnt return the favor because part of my heart was with the MM and still is. And the pain of having that hang heavily in my heart every time i look at my b/f is nothing short of killing me inside.

 

I wish someone would tell me how you can make yourself hate someone you love so much. Because i know my b/f deserves the chance to be with all of me not just the part that hasnt shut down from missing my MM so damn much.

 

So while my situation may not be what will happen to everyone. It is what i have done and what i have to deal with. Before I ever had the chance to walk away and start over i used an innocent man to get me away from someone i never stopped loving....and now i am paying big time for what i have done. I love my b/f he is the father of my son. But i know deep in my heart i cant ever be in love with him the way i was with my MM. I cant give him all of my heart, because i never gave myself the chance to get it all back.

 

I really feel for you! Like I posted earlier I tried to do what you did, but I only found myself resenting this new man, and I KNEW that was totally unfair, inconsiderate and just plain wrong. And yes, I'm big girl enough to admit that relationship with my MM is all those things as well...I'll not lie to myself about that! I just couldn't/wouldn't do it. THe new guy knew my situation also, and like yours tried everything to "win" me over from MM, and though I may have thought kindly of him, he'd never be my MM, and because of that I let him go because I didn't want to be so unfair to him.

 

MM also knew about this, and was terrified of the new guy, but he kept telling me I deserved someone who could give me 100% of their time, that he cared for me so much that he'd let me go even if that meant he'd be out of my life for good. Of course when I told him the new guy was out of the picture he was teary eyed he was so happy. And here we are...it's been 4 years and still I love him as much as I ever did...wrong or right, it hows I feel.

 

Again, I feel for you and your situation!

[ICantStopLovinHim]

I always like to hear that I am not the only fool in this world to use another man to get over a MM.

 

I am not saying you were lucky enough to leave your boyfriend that you replaced the MM with. But i can tell you that you are lucky you didn't have a child with him. Because now i feel trapped in a relationship that was merely a disguise and something that should have never been started.

 

I used him and he let me, and now i feel awfull because i cant make myself love him, and he deserves better. I know he does. Maybe one day he will leave me when he realizes it too.

[KissMyTiara]

Originally posted by Mustard Bomb

Are you seriously that terrified to be alone?

 

That might point to much deeper problems in yourself, is all, ones that only counselling/therapy could help with.

 

When I was single, pre-MM, I was perfectly happy being "alone," in fact, I preferred it to where I am right now. However, perhaps it is true that right now, I don't want to be alone, it hurts too much - specifically, knowing that when I end things with MM, he will still have someone there, and I won't. The thought of that alone is too much to bear.

 

For me, the only way I've ever been able to replace bad memories is with new, happy, pleasant ones.

 

Originally posted by scarletibis

Like I posted earlier I tried to do what you did, but I only found myself resenting this new man, and I KNEW that was totally unfair, inconsiderate and just plain wrong.

 

This is exactly what I am afraid of - resenting the new man, comparing him, etc. I don't want to get into something where I am always looking back to the MM...

[blind_otter]

Although I've never had to wean myself off a MM, I haven't been single for more than 2 weeks since I first started dating. I admit it, I am terrified to be alone.

 

I have consistently done what you suggest above, KMT. I always find a new love interest to wean myself off of my old relationship. It's a bad idea, really. You end up carrying bits and pieces of your old relationship over into the new one, and you don't erase those old feelings. So I have parts of my heart that are just gone, I gave them away and never got them back and just slid into new relationships - desperately trying to put salve on my aching heart with the affections of a newly besotted suitor.

 

It's better to have the downtime between relationships, in retrospect.

[scarletibis]

CantStop,

 

No...you're not the only fool in this world BY FAR...just look around, we're everywhere!!! Sad but true!

 

I do understand your trapped feelings though, but not to the degree you must feel them right now. I just remember when the new bf began telling me he was in love with me, and me thinking "OMG, what the hell am I doing?!?" Thats when I knew I had to get out of the relationsip with him...knew things had gone way to far and I was sorry I had even considered using him like that, AND, well, I didn't love him. It was like I had to sit down and think "Do I want to spend my life with someone I really like a lot, and have all his time? OR, do I want to spend some of my life with a man I love beyond all reason?" Well, I chose the latter and let go of the former.

 

 

KMT,

 

I've not been here long enough to know your entire situation. But, if you really do want out, I hope you the strength to get out. You don't need another guy just to replace MM...infact, from reading CantStop's and my own posts it looks like that's a bad idea anyway doesn't it?!? You may need time alone (odd thing to recommend to the OW isn't it, since most our time is spent alone.) But of course I mean alone as in no MM, no BF, no SO, just some quality time with you, getting to know yourself better. I'm not saying it'll be easy, and I'll even admit that I'm not even sure if I myself could do, but that doesn't stop me from hoping that you could do it!

[ICantStopLovinHim]

My biggest fear is that my current boyfriend will look at me one day and see.........see that my love is not his and well actually never was. I never stopped loving my MM (hence the name) and i would PAY someone to tell me how to stop.

 

The thought of that happening scares me to death. I love my b/f and he doesnt deserve to be hurt the way i was when i woke up and realized that my MM was never really mine.....

[SoleMate]

Can the OW, while in a going-nowhere relationship with MM, go out and get a single, available, honest, caring boyfriend while still with MM and THEN break it off with MM?

Probably. And while it is not the epitome of perfection in human behavior, I think it is a potentially good strategy for you. Just one caveat: be upfront with the new fellow about how you have an MM infesting your thoughts and that you're trying to get him out of your head. Otherwise, you just become what you are running from. Oddly enough, this condition will not be much of a barrier to finding someone new. I do recommend making it a light-hearted affair on both sides - this rebound relationship isn't likely to be lasting, for reasons the previous poster stated. But that can't prevent you both from taking some enjoyment in it. Plenty of men will be willing to get involved on this basis.

 

But yes. Do it.

[whichwayisup]

It comes down to noone WANTS to be alone, that is my worst fear as well. Isn't it everybody's? It is human nature not to want to be alone.

 

Can you "have your cake and eat it too"? Sure...you don't owe him any more than he owes you.

 

If each person decides what it is they want from that particular situation, sure..no strings, no attachments and each are just happy as things are...some sort of acceptance then yes. But I doubt anyone can hold on to anybody else who is married and stay happy and sane knowing he/she is going to bed with the other spouse. Wouldn't it hurt just too much knowing that?

[SadAndLonely]

I've never been the OW. I also tend to not rebound, although I'm sure I did it once or twice when I was a teenager. I also normally don't believe in rebounds. However, using a single man as a rebound (with hopes for more) in order to get out of an extramarital affair is something I can definitely back up, for some strange reason.

[Debster]

Why on earth would you want to still keep a MM on the side when you would have a chance at a single, available man? I just don't get it. To me, that seems like you are afraid to be alone. It would also be incredibly unfair to the poor sap who you do end up dating at the same time. He wouldn't stand a chance to your dreamt of version of what life would be like IF ONLY....

 

Stop hanging around waiting for scraps of attention. If you really want out, then c'mon, get out.

 

I've seen a trend where some OW posters are full of spunk when it comes to responding to posts that they find insulting but yet they become spineless when it comes to demanding to be treated with respect and to be the only person their man is boinking.

 

I don't get it. It would NOT be enough for me.

[Leaf]

For me, I dont think I can have my cake and eat it too. I didnt go looking for this situation. I wish to god I wasnt it this situation. My MM said to me the otherday... "I have always wanted to be the one to give you the world, to make all your dreams come true.." ya know what.. he cant. He cant do it while he is still with the W.. whom I am really starting to believe either has a self esteem level lower than it should be, or she is not too bright.

 

I want more, I want a guy who wants me 100% of the time. MM says "You know I want to be with you 100% of the time, just be patient".... Not good enough. I want a man who is willing to give 100% of himself as I give thatsame 100% back to him. Last night my frustrations overflowed and I told him flat out "I am sick and tired of having a one-sided relationship with you." My point I guess is I dont want this OW/MM life. I want a normal one.

[SummerRae]

I have been reading all your posts and I have to say it's so reassuring and comforting to know that I'm not the ONLY person feeling this way!

 

My story's a little different. I didn't know my man was married before I fell in love with him. (He was in the Military). I was devastated when I found out. He then told his wife he wanted a divorce, flew over 1,000 miles to see me and we spent a week together and I found that even though he did this to me, I still loved him.

 

This was back in May. I still cannot get him out of my mind. I pray every night that God will help me resolve this situation. I don't know how to resolve it. He emails me and calls me still and I'm still so in love with him. The way we communicate, the way he accepts all my flaws, and also inspires me to greatness.

 

I have tried dating other people, all summer long but the feelings could never compare. I have since stopped dating because I realized that when you're looking, you never find it. I need to try to fulfill myself and let myself heal. But how do I heal??

 

After reading all of your posts I have decided to try to cut all contact with him to see if that works. I have this on-again, off-again feelings of wanting to stop contact. But I'm afraid to block his emails in case he says something "monumental" and yet I've told him the only way there's ever a chance for us again (to see each other) is if he's a free man.

 

I never wanted to love a married man, but here i am. It's the most painfull thing I've ever experienced. Any advice is greatly appreciated here too.

 

And KMT, sorry to digress, I really know how you're feeling but I think the only way for us to get into loving and honest relationships is if we break ties with the MM.

 

Please PM me if you need to talk!

[2Confuzed]

I understand how you ladies feel. Before my MM and I started seeing each other, I was in a relationship for about 8 years. There was about a 6 month period in between my ex and MM. During that time, I was enjoying being alone. I know most people don't like being alone, but believe me, it is an experience everyone should have to endure, even if they don't want to.

 

You wouldn't believe how powerful and independent you become. I cut my own grass for the first time ever this summer, hehehe and I am not afraid to come home to an empty house anymore. Just little things like that really make you feel good about yourself. You have to spend some time alone so you KNOW that you can make it on your own if you have to.

 

I started dating casually for awhile, but then I got involved with my MM. After that, just like the rest of you, I didn't want anyone else. I have a few guys that I talk to and some want to take me out, but I just haven't yet. I know I should but I feel like it's pointless because I have already found who I want to be with. But at the same you have to say to yourself, "Why am I being committed to someone who can't commit to me?" I still don't have the answer to that one because I still find myself doing it.

 

Here lately though, I think I have avoided getting into relationships because I just don't want to be hurt anymore. I am so used to being by myself now, I think the man who wants to be with me has to be pretty friggen wonderful to change my mind. Haven't found him yet....or should I say, he hasn't left his wife yet.

[DoggyDog]

KMT

That's good..."Having your CAKE and EATing it "....Nope, won't work. Been there, done that....Thought that the MM was doing it with me the OW...So I could have my side kicks when he wasn't in the picture (LDR)...Well the MM was in constant contact with me by calling the house (didn't have a cell) and when I'd be out or not available at home (because I had company??) I had to keep lying to cover my tracks with him...just so he'd think I was being "GOOD".

You guys know a little of my story with MM so I won't go into detail. The MM is giving you the "CRUMBS" of that CAKE...his W IS the CAKE...If you want to be the CAKE and think that your other men are getting crumbs from you--and it makes you feel good, then go for it. I've learned from this whole mess that I was not the CAKE for either the MM or someone else. I didn't feel good about what I was doing. It's a guilt trip. You pretend to enjoy what your doing but really your thought process is tricked up into thinking that "He's not here so the H*ll with him, I'm gonna have some fun.

 

Now my quote is "That's the Way the COOKIE CRUMBLES"...It will you know.

Sooner or later it will catch up with you. It did me. And believe me it SUCKS.

I felt guilt all around. Lying to the MM (of course he was probably doing the same to me) and then thinking I could carry on with someone else when he's not around but felt like CRAP after they left or slept over. Many years of this and I'm burnt out. I want to be ALONE for awhile now. It's only been a month but I'm starting the New Year Alone which is where I've always been even with the MM in the picture. You can do it too. We can all do it together on LS.

 

A New Year-New Life for ALL the OW who let go of their MM or visa versa (as mine did)

 

L DD

[mourningMM]

For me, it doesn't matter if I'm talking about my one affair, or any other relationship that I've been in. Once I've entered a physical relationship, if I feel love, I get very monogomous very fast. If I'm seeing more than one guy, I have to stop.

 

But once I've started a physical relationship, I know it needs to end if I find myself wondering what kissing another man would feel like. If I want a kiss from someone else, it is a death knell for the guy I'm currently sleeping with.

 

Sometimes, that is how I realize the relationship has to end. It is like my body knows before my mind has processed it intellectually.

 

Of course I can date more than one guy at a time if I'm not making love to any of them. And given my current situation, I think I'll spend the next few months making out with a bunch of guys and avoiding the bedroom altogether!