Jump to content

If You are the OW & Expose


Recommended Posts

NewLeaf512

If you are the OW and you exposed the affair to the BW (telling/emailing/ letter/ providing photos whatever) What was your reason and what did your AP do?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I exposed by telling, but she had already caught on through a D-day. I did it out of spite, I am sorry to say, and misplaced anger. I told the wife and the adult daughter. I told them concrete things that only they would know, to prove to them he was confiding everything in me (which he was). I felt he was minimizing and I wanted her to know how serious the affair really was. The last time we talked she asked what horrible things he had said about her. I told her a few things, but did not have the heart to tell her more. She told me she would pray for me, which made me feel like a piece of crap.

The AP, who I thought would hate me, did not. He called me recently and seemed unperturbed by the trauma I had rained down on his family. I felt he was so unperturbed because he must have wiggled his way out of it somehow by downplaying and painting me in a negative light, although he was nothing but kind and sunshine and roses on the phone. I still have concrete proof but I am done because she has done nothing to me.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
NewLeaf512

I should answer my own question. I told AP that I wanted to end it and come clean, I was sick of him and his bull and that I would call his W after work and apologise and confess. I did this for 2 reasons, firstly to apologise and confess and stop the deceit and secondly to end the A and let them both get on with their lives, and me too.

 

 

He beat me to the punch, went home early and confessed. I know that it is true because after work, I called her, she was crying, and she handed him the phone (I could hear her in the background crying) and he said "I told her everything, all of it, and about seeing the lawyer next week and wanting a divorce". I said I'm glad we are all working from truth. Go attend to you're W and don't ever contact me again. (I think that's pretty exact but obviously heightened state of emotions)

 

 

outcome: I'm free and he hasn't been in touch. day 6 today

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
NewLeaf512
I exposed by telling, but she had already caught on through a D-day. I did it out of spite, I am sorry to say, and misplaced anger. I told the wife and the adult daughter. I told them concrete things that only they would know, to prove to them he was confiding everything in me (which he was). I felt he was minimizing and I wanted her to know how serious the affair really was. The last time we talked she asked what horrible things he had said about her. I told her a few things, but did not have the heart to tell her more. She told me she would pray for me, which made me feel like a piece of crap.

The AP, who I thought would hate me, did not. He called me recently and seemed unperturbed by the trauma I had rained down on his family. I felt he was so unperturbed because he must have wiggled his way out of it somehow by downplaying and painting me in a negative light, although he was nothing but kind and sunshine and roses on the phone. I still have concrete proof but I am done because she has done nothing to me.

 

 

Solostand thanks for sharing. Don't do anything to her. In her heart of hearts she knows it is the truth.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Oh I'm done. It hurt me as much as it hurt her. It didn't present any relief at all. Just made me feel like a whacko.

 

Although about half way through the affair, I got mad at him one day and told him I was going to call his wife. He said "do what you have to do."

Link to post
Share on other sites

I've never "exposed" to a BW, but I have had a few track me down and call me. At first, my usual response was "Go ask your husband". I didn't tell them anything. Near the end of my wild and wicked days I realized I was done being a coward. After that, I owned up to what I did, told the truth, and that was usually the end of that. The AP really didn't have any excuse to call me on it because I started telling these guys from the start that I was willing to lie by omission, but if the BW ever asked me direct questions, she was getting direct answers. I don't know. I just don't lie or evade anymore. I don't like it the way it makes me feel about myself.

 

The really bizarre part is that even telling these guys I was not going to lie wasn't enough to stop these MM from getting involved with me.

 

I've actually been on the other end of this, too. Years ago (well, decades now) when I was married my husband had an OW habit. More than one of them called me. I don't blame them actually - he really was an asshat. Anyway, to me it was just annoying because I couldn't care less what he was doing or to whom. I remember telling him one time to get his girlfriend under control. But I had kind of a bizarre marriage at that point (obviously). Fun times. :p

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
NewLeaf512
I've never "exposed" to a BW, but I have had a few track me down and call me. At first, my usual response was "Go ask your husband". I didn't tell them anything. Near the end of my wild and wicked days I realized I was done being a coward. After that, I owned up to what I did, told the truth, and that was usually the end of that. The AP really didn't have any excuse to call me on it because I started telling these guys from the start that I was willing to lie by omission, but if the BW ever asked me direct questions, she was getting direct answers. I don't know. I just don't lie or evade anymore. I don't like it the way it makes me feel about myself.

 

The really bizarre part is that even telling these guys I was not going to lie wasn't enough to stop these MM from getting involved with me.

 

I've actually been on the other end of this, too. Years ago (well, decades now) when I was married my husband had an OW habit. More than one of them called me. I don't blame them actually - he really was an asshat. Anyway, to me it was just annoying because I couldn't care less what he was doing or to whom. I remember telling him one time to get his girlfriend under control. But I had kind of a bizarre marriage at that point (obviously). Fun times. :p

 

 

Raindown, not judging, just wondering, you say several times. what made you get involved with another AP after the pain of the first?

Also what was the outcome? Did the AP ever contact you again?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I've never "exposed" to a BW, but I have had a few track me down and call me.

 

A few tracked you down? Meaning some others did not?

 

How many As have you been in as an OW?

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
Raindown, not judging, just wondering, you say several times. what made you get involved with another AP after the pain of the first?

Also what was the outcome? Did the AP ever contact you again?

 

I didn't experience pain from my relationships with married men. They were just people I liked and had a good time with. I wasn't looking for a "boyfriend" or, God forbid, another husband. I've dated a lot of men, and I do mean a lot. Some of them were married, some of them were not. I typically moved on after a few months when I got bored.

Link to post
Share on other sites
A few tracked you down? Meaning some others did not?

 

How many As have you been in as an OW?

 

The vast majority of BWs out there never found out about me. Contrary to what you see on message boards, I think the majority of affairs are never found out. Most of mine weren't anyway.

 

I don't know how many As I've been in. I've never tried to count.

 

In my defense, I did come to my senses a few years ago and stopped that kind of behavior. I do my best now to only do things that are constructive, both to me and to other people. I was a terribly damaged and selfish person at one time.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
The vast majority of BWs out there never found out about me. Contrary to what you see on message boards, I think the majority of affairs are never found out. Most of mine weren't anyway.

 

I don't know how many As I've been in. I've never tried to count.

 

In my defense, I did come to my senses a few years ago and stopped that kind of behavior. I do my best now to only do things that are constructive, both to me and to other people. I was a terribly damaged and selfish person at one time.

 

I'm kinda speechless, to be honest.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
HappyAgain2014

We were at our deadline and he panicked. He sent me an email basically saying he needed time to think. The entire tone of the email was all about him and the effect of getting a divorce on HIM, being guilty about the affair and the effect on HIM, dreams of his disapproving dead mother, etc.

 

He didn't say anything about his wife his children. It was a pathetic display of cowardice that finally woke me up. For the three months before that, he had been torturing his wife by telling her that he wanted a divorce but denying an affair and never really committing to staying or leaving.

 

I was planning on ending it if the deadline came and went but seeing that his real motivation was himself led to me making the decision to tell his wife.

 

If he hadn't told her anything three months prior, let her waste her time in counseling while denying an affair, and let her beg him to stay, I would've stayed silent. If he had said that he wanted to work on his marriage or that he realized he really loved his wife, I would've stayed silent. Instead he lashed out at me for expecting him to keep the deadline. Once I realized what a selfish pig he was, I knew I had to give her the truth.

 

I texted her and gave her the choice to get information. I shared a lot of information, clarified a lot of things that she had questions about, and sent her numerous emails between he and I.

 

Most importantly I apologized and assured her that I would not have any additional contact with him. She was incredibly gracious.

 

Once he found out, he sent me an email asking if I was happy that his children's lives were going to be destroyed. I responded to that l, included his wife on the email, and absolutely blasted him for his selfishness and the lies he was now telling in email. His biggest problem with those lies was his wife already had emails that showed that he was lying. I didn't tell him that she had them I figured that was her card to play.

 

His last communication with me was that he would leave me alone because I told him to never contact me again. Again, not because he was going to continue to hurt his wife, and not because of his children. It was really all about him playing the martyr.

 

He knew me well enough not to bother. He knew I'd tell her and he knew I'd never look at him the same again. Again, it's all about fragile, selfish egos.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
NewLeaf512
We were at our deadline and he panicked. He sent me an email basically saying he needed time to think. The entire tone of the email was all about him and the effect of getting a divorce on HIM, being guilty about the affair and the effect on HIM, dreams of his disapproving dead mother, etc.

 

He didn't say anything about his wife his children. It was a pathetic display of cowardice that finally woke me up. For the three months before that, he had been torturing his wife by telling her that he wanted a divorce but denying an affair and never really committing to staying or leaving.

 

I was planning on ending it if the deadline came and went but seeing that his real motivation was himself led to me making the decision to tell his wife.

 

If he hadn't told her anything three months prior, let her waste her time in counseling while denying an affair, and let her beg him to stay, I would've stayed silent. If he had said that he wanted to work on his marriage or that he realized he really loved his wife, I would've stayed silent. Instead he lashed out at me for expecting him to keep the deadline. Once I realized what a selfish pig he was, I knew I had to give her the truth.

 

I texted her and gave her the choice to get information. I shared a lot of information, clarified a lot of things that she had questions about, and sent her numerous emails between he and I.

 

Most importantly I apologized and assured her that I would not have any additional contact with him. She was incredibly gracious.

 

Once he found out, he sent me an email asking if I was happy that his children's lives were going to be destroyed. I responded to that l, included his wife on the email, and absolutely blasted him for his selfishness and the lies he was now telling in email. His biggest problem with those lies was his wife already had emails that showed that he was lying. I didn't tell him that she had them I figured that was her card to play.

 

His last communication with me was that he would leave me alone because I told him to never contact me again. Again, not because he was going to continue to hurt his wife, and not because of his children. It was really all about him playing the martyr.

 

He knew me well enough not to bother. He knew I'd tell her and he knew I'd never look at him the same again. Again, it's all about fragile, selfish egos.

Happy Again thank you for your sharing. As ex MM beat me to the punch I don't know how much of the whole truth he told his W. Although I think she needs to know everything but I won't cause her one more second of hurt. It bewilders me that HE told her and then cut me off. Whatever the reason, I have become free. I'm shocked I have no worry for him, just her.

 

 

Did your ex MM and his W stay together ?

Link to post
Share on other sites
HappyAgain2014
Happy Again thank you for your sharing. As ex MM beat me to the punch I don't know how much of the whole truth he told his W. Although I think she needs to know everything but I won't cause her one more second of hurt. It bewilders me that HE told her and then cut me off. Whatever the reason, I have become free. I'm shocked I have no worry for him, just her.

 

 

Did your ex MM and his W stay together ?

 

She knows the most important point... That her husband cheated. I'd leave it alone if I was you. It shouldn't bewilder you. He's selfish and his only motivation now will be saving himself.

 

xMM and his wife are still married.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
NewLeaf512
She knows the most important point... That her husband cheated. I'd leave it alone if I was you. It shouldn't bewilder you. He's selfish and his only motivation now will be saving himself.

 

xMM and his wife are still married.

 

Happy Again I'm totally over him. I'm leaving it forever. It's just fresh so I'm trying to put it all in context xx

Link to post
Share on other sites
I should answer my own question. I told AP that I wanted to end it and come clean, I was sick of him and his bull and that I would call his W after work and apologise and confess. I did this for 2 reasons, firstly to apologise and confess and stop the deceit and secondly to end the A and let them both get on with their lives, and me too.

 

 

He beat me to the punch, went home early and confessed. I know that it is true because after work, I called her, she was crying, and she handed him the phone (I could hear her in the background crying) and he said "I told her everything, all of it, and about seeing the lawyer next week and wanting a divorce". I said I'm glad we are all working from truth. Go attend to you're W and don't ever contact me again. (I think that's pretty exact but obviously heightened state of emotions)

 

 

outcome: I'm free and he hasn't been in touch. day 6 today

 

 

Did you enter the relationship knowing he was married?

Link to post
Share on other sites
TerraIncognita

Am I the only one sickened by these OWs telling wives about their husbands' affairs?

 

Why?! Why would you a) demean yourself to that extent; b) inflict such pain on an innocent party; c) potentially ruin a bunch of lives (his, hers, kids'). How effing selfish...

 

You don't owe her an apology - you are not the one who vowed to be true to her. Can't deal with your own guilty conscience because you screwed her husband? That's the price of admission if you decide to enter an illicit relationship with a married man. Unburdening yourself is nothing but selfish vindictive and childish move.

 

Just don't do it. It's between the two of them.

 

Yes, I was an OW. Yes, I was lied to and misled. No, I would never expose him under any circumstances.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Am I the only one sickened by these OWs telling wives about their husbands' affairs?

 

Why?! Why would you a) demean yourself to that extent; b) inflict such pain on an innocent party; c) potentially ruin a bunch of lives (his, hers, kids'). How effing selfish...

 

You don't owe her an apology - you are not the one who vowed to be true to her. Can't deal with your own guilty conscience because you screwed her husband? That's the price of admission if you decide to enter an illicit relationship with a married man. Unburdening yourself is nothing but selfish vindictive and childish move.

 

Just don't do it. It's between the two of them.

 

Yes, I was an OW. Yes, I was lied to and misled. No, I would never expose him under any circumstances.

 

What if she called you and asked you directly if you f*cked her husband? Would you expose (i.e. tell the truth) then?

 

No agenda. Just mere curiosity.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
NewLeaf512
Did you enter the relationship knowing he was married?

 

No he said he was separated which I know now means married and a cheater

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
NewLeaf512
Am I the only one sickened by these OWs telling wives about their husbands' affairs?

 

Why?! Why would you a) demean yourself to that extent; b) inflict such pain on an innocent party; c) potentially ruin a bunch of lives (his, hers, kids'). How effing selfish...

 

You don't owe her an apology - you are not the one who vowed to be true to her. Can't deal with your own guilty conscience because you screwed her husband? That's the price of admission if you decide to enter an illicit relationship with a married man. Unburdening yourself is nothing but selfish vindictive and childish move.

 

Just don't do it. It's between the two of them.

 

Yes, I was an OW. Yes, I was lied to and misled. No, I would never expose him under any circumstances.

 

Firstly you come across as very angry, I'm asking a general question. I did not know he was not separated until 4 months into the A and that is when I should have dumped Ex-MM.

 

I think it actually isn't about relieving myself of guilt. I don't think anything can do that. This was a thread to ask people their stories. If I was the BW I'd want to know so I could make informed decisions based on facts. If you make a decision based on a version of the truth you only have a 50/50!chance of getting it right.

Should the BW live out her whole life never knowing? I don't have any answers. I was part of the problem. I take your viewpoint on board, but this is a discussion thread. I didn't do it and actually I'm still on the fence if it would have been a good idea or not. He did it himself.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
TerraIncognita
What if she called you and asked you directly if you f*cked her husband? Would you expose (i.e. tell the truth) then?

 

No agenda. Just mere curiosity.

 

I would hang up on her. I don't owe her anything, much less an explanation. Whatever he decides to tell or not tell his wife, it's between the two of them.

Maybe they stand a chance of fixing whatever is broken in their marriage which would be destroyed if I exposed him. Maybe not. But it's not my place to make that judgement call.

 

And whoever said I sound angry - you bet I do. I don't suffer fools gladly, and sheer selfishness and stupidity of those who tell wives and then pontificate here how he deserved her wrath and she deserved to know the truth does indeed make me angry.

 

I was both, a betrayed spouse and TOW. And I would never demean myself and compromise my dignity by confronting the other woman, or answering the wive's questions.

 

We all knew we were getting involved with deceitful men, except for far and few in between cases when MM misrepresented his status. So why act so hurt and indignant when it's done to us what we'd facilitated done to their wives? Come on, take responsibility and punishment of pain and despair and walk away without leaving a trail of carnage behind.

Link to post
Share on other sites
No he said he was separated which I know now means married and a cheater

 

While I don't think it was right to spill the beans, I can understand why you did. The guy lied to you and you didn't enter the relationship knowing he was married.

 

Hypothetically do you still think you would have told all had you entered the affair knowing he was still married?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Sassy Girl

I'm sure I posted about this recently.

 

I will never understand the OW who tells the wife claiming she was doing it in the best interests of the wife...

 

Where was your concern when you were having sex with her husband?

 

Now the relationship isn't going where you want for to you have the almighty dummy spit and expose - for her benefit?? Really?? Smacks of spite and vengeance. Is it the right thing to do? Probably. Probably would have looked more genuine if you'd done it when you found out he wasn't separated, but nope, you continued a relationship knowing full well what you were doing.

 

Now you want to take the moral high ground? Spare me. I get it. You're hurt. You want him to hurt too.

 

Too bad an innocent woman was the collateral damage huh?

 

No, I haven't and wouldn't expose. I knew what I was getting into. My own damn fault if things don't turn out the way I'd hoped with someone else's man.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...