lookingforclosure Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 I am not a vengeful person, nor do I want to hurt anyone more than I already have. A friend had suggested that I go full disclosure with xMM BS. I do carry guilt for hurting her, and for obviously engaging with MM no matter what his "lines" were. Or do I just let the pieces fall where they may?? I wish I had been honest with her when she contacted me in the beginning, but I protected him. At this point it's probably useless...I pray that one day she will forgive me, even though I don't think she knows the extent of the A... I do. And I don't want it to be seen as "pay back" so to speak for the way he has handled things. Any input would be appreciated Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 I am not a vengeful person, nor do I want to hurt anyone more than I already have. A friend had suggested that I go full disclosure with xMM BS. I do carry guilt for hurting her, and for obviously engaging with MM no matter what his "lines" were. Or do I just let the pieces fall where they may?? I wish I had been honest with her when she contacted me in the beginning, but I protected him. At this point it's probably useless...I pray that one day she will forgive me, even though I don't think she knows the extent of the A... I do. And I don't want it to be seen as "pay back" so to speak for the way he has handled things. Any input would be appreciated It would be difficult to convince her of much if you already told her a different story. The thing about lying to someone is when you do finally tell the truth, you're the only one who knows it. Forgive yourself and live a better life. How would her forgiving you affect you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lookingforclosure Posted March 30, 2015 Author Share Posted March 30, 2015 It would be difficult to convince her of much if you already told her a different story. The thing about lying to someone is when you do finally tell the truth, you're the only one who knows it. Forgive yourself and live a better life. How would her forgiving you affect you? True And it doesn't matter if she forgives me or not...she just has to forgive him, that's who made the commitment to her 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sunburned Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 It would be difficult to convince her of much if you already told her a different story. The thing about lying to someone is when you do finally tell the truth, you're the only one who knows it. Forgive yourself and live a better life. How would her forgiving you affect you? I have to admit my first reaction was "tell her" because this guy really jerked you around at the end and I understood the need to "get even." Briefly, I am a MW who had a brief A with a MM. I would be horrified if either of our betrayed-s ever found out but still found myself thinking she has a right to know even if your reasons weren't the most noble (revenge). But I read purplesorrow's reply and -- if I recall the LS cast of characters correctly -- she is a BS no longer with her cheating spouse. She makes an excellent point. You lied once and chances are it will be very easy for MM to say you are just causing trouble, woman scorned, seeking revenge, etc. And she makes a 2nd strong point which is ' will telling really help you heal?' And that's what matters. Sure, it might feel good to stick it to HIM. But you are in NC and not supposed to worry about him or her. Just look out for yourself. I'm so sorry you are feeling unsettled. It's still early days even though it may feel like a lifetime. Give yourself the gift of more time before doing anything. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 True And it doesn't matter if she forgives me or not...she just has to forgive him, that's who made the commitment to her I think you should just leave well enough alone. Move forward as best you can. Link to post Share on other sites
FusionCutter Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 I am not a vengeful person, nor do I want to hurt anyone more than I already have. A friend had suggested that I go full disclosure with xMM BS. I do carry guilt for hurting her, and for obviously engaging with MM no matter what his "lines" were. Or do I just let the pieces fall where they may?? I wish I had been honest with her when she contacted me in the beginning, but I protected him. At this point it's probably useless...I pray that one day she will forgive me, even though I don't think she knows the extent of the A... I do. And I don't want it to be seen as "pay back" so to speak for the way he has handled things. Any input would be appreciated She had contacted you in the past and you had a chance to fix it when it was right? And you protected him? Walk away, Let it die. How much you can let this go says a lot about you. Let it go. Telling her won't get you any closure. In fact, you'll likely feel a lot worse. What do you get out of telling her? No matter what, there is a part of you that will see it as 'pay back'. Focus on yourself, shift your energy from him, to other things - it's not worth it. Put it off for several months. See how you feel about it then. At least you will have the choice to decide for yourself again. Don't do anything you would regret. Focus on YOU and yourself. Telling her won't change a thing except make a statement you are willing to participate in MORE drama, etc. You had the chance to make it right when she contacted you, and now it's gone. It's time to grow up and walk away from the situation. Choose peace, rather than MORE drama. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldenHour Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Similar situation here. I feel like his W has a right to know the truth instead of only what her husband chooses to tell her. But, what is there to gain from that? I'm not sure. Some women don't want to hear the truth or wouldn't believe it even if you told it to them. They love their WS and hate you, so they think you are just trying to cause more problems for them. Possibly to get him back? Not saying that is what you are doing, but that's the stuff WH will sell her, I'm sure. Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 (edited) Similar situation here. I feel like his W has a right to know the truth instead of only what her husband chooses to tell her. But, what is there to gain from that? I'm not sure. Some women don't want to hear the truth or wouldn't believe it even if you told it to them. They love their WS and hate you, so they think you are just trying to cause more problems for them. Possibly to get him back? Not saying that is what you are doing, but that's the stuff WH will sell her, I'm sure. It would be different if she hadn't already told his wife a different story. This will make her look sketchy and may give him some credibility he shouldn't have. Edited March 30, 2015 by purplesorrow 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Once you have lied to her his wife will never believe you. The only person you need forgiveness from is yourself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 NO! What for? Jeezus. Link to post Share on other sites
awkward Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 It doesn't matter what you tell her now. She isn't going to believe you. Let it go and try to heal. If someone wants to do honesty with the BS, the time to do it is on D-Day or when she approaches you. Once you lie, you are known as a liar. Nothing can change that, even offering the truth up at a later date. It sucks because OW want to protect MM until they realize he was just stringing them along. At that point protecting him isn't important. But too much damage has been done. I think OW should be honest with the BS the first time. Let MM deal with the truth. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 I for one always question the true motives behind wanting the BS to know the "real story" of the affair. If the motives are to have her toss him out so that you could have a chance with him then no. Honestly, if she doesn't ask don't offer. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lookingforclosure Posted March 30, 2015 Author Share Posted March 30, 2015 I am totally with everyone...just wanted to get it from those who have been there, not someone who hasn't been in the same shoes so to speak. If she was to contact me in the future then I will cross that bridge if it comes. I do not want to tell her to get her to leave him...that would mean he only chose me because she kicked his butt to the curb, not because he truly loved me. And as bad as he's made me feel with the way he chose to deal with me in the end, I think it would be 10x worse to be seen as the backup plan. I am actually a good person and I do feel bad when I hurt others...and a little over a year ago when she text me I should've laid it all out then...but I chose to protect him. But he had the chance every day for over a year to be honest as well... I am going to just let it go...they say what happens in the dark always comes to light, but it'll have to be without my interference Thanks everyone Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 I am not a vengeful person, nor do I want to hurt anyone more than I already have. A friend had suggested that I go full disclosure with xMM BS. I do carry guilt for hurting her, and for obviously engaging with MM no matter what his "lines" were. Or do I just let the pieces fall where they may?? I wish I had been honest with her when she contacted me in the beginning, but I protected him. At this point it's probably useless...I pray that one day she will forgive me, even though I don't think she knows the extent of the A... I do. And I don't want it to be seen as "pay back" so to speak for the way he has handled things. Any input would be appreciated If the BS wanted clarification about anything, the BS will contact you. And do not assume that all because YOU are out of the information loop, that the BS is not fully aware of what an affair is and all that it entails. The broad stroke is just as ugly as any fine details that you might want to add. I think looking for forgiveness from the BS, is not realistic nor reasonable. You decided how you would enter her life, who you would be to her. That is the side of yourself you chose to show. That is all she knows about you. The BS, also does not have to "just forgive him" either. Your loyalty is showing with that process/thought. Most BS would be highly offended at the AP trying to "fix/repair" the marriage relationship. Being that the AP has already shown their "cards" on how they value the WS/BS marriage. Time for you to learn the lessons for self, and grow from this. Become a more aware higher functioning human. That is where your peace and self forgiveness will come from. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
veruca salt Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 This is a tough one, I think if you weren't truthful in the beginning you can't go back now and say I'm ready to tell you the thruth, I know you sound like a very kind person but I just don't think it's a good idea. I did speak to the bs right after dday, and she was calm kind and polite it was more than I deserved but I wanted to meet her out of vengeance in my situation and she turned out to be nice that made me feel even worse I don't know I guess it would have made me feel better if she was some kind of evil ugly monster, I know warped way of thinking but just being truthful and it's not pretty Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 I am actually a good person and I do feel bad when I hurt others hindsight, i guess. why now?... that's the question i'm asking myself. even though you claim to the contrary, it does sound like you want him to leave his marriage for you. i say this because you didn't say you'd never take him back... you said you'd wouldn't be his "back-up" plan. it leads one to think that you tried waiting him out, but since that hasn't happened... your credibility is shot to s!@# at this point, no matter who "good" of a person you claim to be. why should this woman believe anything that comes out of your mouth at this point? she might feel you're just trying to stir the pot again. Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 I am not a vengeful person, nor do I want to hurt anyone more than I already have. A friend had suggested that I go full disclosure with xMM BS. I do carry guilt for hurting her, and for obviously engaging with MM no matter what his "lines" were. Or do I just let the pieces fall where they may?? I wish I had been honest with her when she contacted me in the beginning, but I protected him. At this point it's probably useless...I pray that one day she will forgive me, even though I don't think she knows the extent of the A... I do. And I don't want it to be seen as "pay back" so to speak for the way he has handled things. Any input would be appreciated Forgive yourself. This has nothing to do with her or him. Like you said its guilt. Which is SO easy to deal with. Just put it down and leave it behind as easily as you chained yourself to it. And yes, its that easy. Just choose it. Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Offering the complete truth now might be more damaging to her, you don't know what stage she's in with her own healing. She turned out to be a nice person and you were lucky, so please be considerate and let her be. She will seek you out if she needs it. I think this is part of the pain of all this mess, if its closure and/or forgiveness you seek from her, this might not be possible. You signed up for this, she didn't, you have to deal with your own pain/issues. Link to post Share on other sites
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