wondering...

[lookingforclosure]

I had a really good counseling sessions this evening. We talked about the recurrent dreams I've had where I clearly ask him if he's going to call me about something work related...and I ask again and again. I already know it's because I am still struggling with the fact that he took the cowards way put and instead of actually ending things, he put me on hold and then decided never to acknowledge any attempt to contact him. She also told me that was a cruel thing to do to someone.

I started seeing her in Dec when he told me that he needed to try and make his marriage work for the sake of his young child. I was crushed after a year and a half relationship but respected his wishes. But then being reeled in not once but four times over the following month only to be put on a month "hold" so to speak. I don't know what he could actually say to me to make anything better...an apology for treating me less than a human being would be a start. I know things will never change...he doesn't want to leave his wife, or he would have before me. But I have never had anyone treat me so cruel. We have mutual friends and it's hard to try to make things seem "normal" around the group.

I wonder if he realizes how much he has hurt me? I wonder if he has a heart anymore...I wonder if he really is any part of the person I fell in love with?

I stayed way too long in this "relationship" I was delusional that it could ever be more than it was...I did have hope because I have seen people who were in this type of situation and end up happy together...shoot it happened in his own family. You always wonder if you are the exception...but I guess this whole site seems to be made up of the "rule" so to speak.

NC hurts...but being ignored, blocked, and totally disrespected is much worse than the NC hurt

[Mal78]

I had a really good counseling sessions this evening. We talked about the recurrent dreams I've had where I clearly ask him if he's going to call me about something work related...and I ask again and again. I already know it's because I am still struggling with the fact that he took the cowards way put and instead of actually ending things, he put me on hold and then decided never to acknowledge any attempt to contact him. She also told me that was a cruel thing to do to someone.

I started seeing her in Dec when he told me that he needed to try and make his marriage work for the sake of his young child. I was crushed after a year and a half relationship but respected his wishes. But then being reeled in not once but four times over the following month only to be put on a month "hold" so to speak. I don't know what he could actually say to me to make anything better...an apology for treating me less than a human being would be a start. I know things will never change...he doesn't want to leave his wife, or he would have before me. But I have never had anyone treat me so cruel. We have mutual friends and it's hard to try to make things seem "normal" around the group.

I wonder if he realizes how much he has hurt me? I wonder if he has a heart anymore...I wonder if he really is any part of the person I fell in love with?

I stayed way too long in this "relationship" I was delusional that it could ever be more than it was...I did have hope because I have seen people who were in this type of situation and end up happy together...shoot it happened in his own family. You always wonder if you are the exception...but I guess this whole site seems to be made up of the "rule" so to speak.

NC hurts...but being ignored, blocked, and totally disrespected is much worse than the NC hurt

 

I've seen you post several times that being ignored, blocked and disrespected hurts more then the actual NC. I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I can imagine it is tremendous pain you are going through.

 

Do you think perhaps your Xap had no choice? Perhaps being transparent and accountable is how he is obtaining R with his wife?

 

If you considered this being the case what would you hoped he would do?

 

I could imagine you feel that all you were and did with your Xap to him meant nothing because of all this. I'm sure that's not the case (unless he is/was a serial cheater and had many OW). Perhaps all his w is and what they have been through means doing this to you.

[lookingforclosure]

Thing is I really don't know if he has been honest with her...or at least he told me he wasn't the last time we spoke. If he had I would've thought she might reach out to me to validate his story. I asked my therapist if she thought that was the case and she says when she counsels people through infidelity she recommends being transparent. That a call or email with the wife being present to validate that the A is indeed over on that end is proven to BS.

 

It does hurt...and the fact that we have mutual friends(who have no idea) in common that tell me how him and his wife did this and that...he gets to go on and have his life how it's always been, and i'm the one struggling with the hurt and anger. I wish he would've never contacted me again after Dec...I was working on getting past it...he at least acted like he cared at that point. Because of the hook I allowed him to put me on in January I feel stuck. I know he is too much of a coward to face me, apologize and give me the closure i'm seeking. I will have to find that somewhere within myself

[Satu]

I know he is too much of a coward to face me, apologize and give me the closure i'm seeking. *I will have to find that somewhere within myself

 

*You are right about that.

 

Everything you need to heal from this is inside you.

 

I'm glad that the therapy is helping.

 

Take good care of yourself.

[the_artist_1970]

I had a really good counseling sessions this evening. We talked about the recurrent dreams I've had where I clearly ask him if he's going to call me about something work related...and I ask again and again. I already know it's because I am still struggling with the fact that he took the cowards way put and instead of actually ending things, he put me on hold and then decided never to acknowledge any attempt to contact him. She also told me that was a cruel thing to do to someone.

I started seeing her in Dec when he told me that he needed to try and make his marriage work for the sake of his young child. I was crushed after a year and a half relationship but respected his wishes. But then being reeled in not once but four times over the following month only to be put on a month "hold" so to speak. I don't know what he could actually say to me to make anything better...an apology for treating me less than a human being would be a start. I know things will never change...he doesn't want to leave his wife, or he would have before me. But I have never had anyone treat me so cruel. We have mutual friends and it's hard to try to make things seem "normal" around the group.

I wonder if he realizes how much he has hurt me? I wonder if he has a heart anymore...I wonder if he really is any part of the person I fell in love with?

I stayed way too long in this "relationship" I was delusional that it could ever be more than it was...I did have hope because I have seen people who were in this type of situation and end up happy together...shoot it happened in his own family. You always wonder if you are the exception...but I guess this whole site seems to be made up of the "rule" so to speak.

NC hurts...but being ignored, blocked, and totally disrespected is much worse than the NC hurt

 

I really think that your counselor is enabling you to see yourself as a victim. You are not a victim, rather a willing participant in a dysfunctional relationship. Once you get that, you will find ways to never allow yourself to partake in a deceitful relationship again. You are the captain of your own life and no one can pull you into anything without your consent.

[Rainbowlove]

I really think that your counselor is enabling you to see yourself as a victim. You are not a victim, rather a willing participant in a dysfunctional relationship. Once you get that, you will find ways to never allow yourself to partake in a deceitful relationship again. You are the captain of your own life and no one can pull you into anything without your consent.

 

I totally agree with Artist on this one.

 

All I hear is what he did to you and how he's a coward now b/c he didn't do something the way you wanted...

 

What about what you did to him? What you did to his wife? His family?

 

Try turning this around a little bit.

 

You are a grown woman. You were a 3rd party in an affair. It doesn't always end pretty - most times it doesn't.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting, but you put yourself in a position to be hurt over and over again and you are blaming him for it.

 

Own what you need to own. He'll have to live with things on his end.

 

Good luck moving forward.

[lookingforclosure]

I'm kinda confused as to which part of my last post has you thinking my counselor is enabling me to be the victim...that is not how it is I assure you. But we are all victims of choices we have made aren't we...we wouldn't be on an A forum as the OW/OM is we weren't.

[Rainbowlove]

I'm kinda confused as to which part of my last post has you thinking my counselor is enabling me to be the victim...that is not how it is I assure you. But we are all victims of choices we have made aren't we...we wouldn't be on an A forum as the OW/OM is we weren't.

 

I don't see myself as a victim. Not at all.

 

I see myself as someone who made a series of terrible choices. I see my XAP as someone who made terrible choices with me.

 

She didn't make me do anything and I didn't make her do anything, but we both helped each other make the mess we made.

 

If anyone is the victim here, it's my wife.

 

Your post comes off as someone who is in pain and wants to blame your XAP for hurting you with the way it ended.

 

I think regardless of how it ended, you'd still be upset and hurt that it's over.

 

You are calling him a coward for not saying "this is the final goodbye" with words but he's saying it with his actions now.

 

I don't see him as a coward. I see him as someone who realized that any kind of contact after a month of going no contact with you would not have been healthy for him and his healing and not for his family.

 

He's put his healing and family above your feelings. He said he was going NC and he's sticking to it.

 

You're more upset b/c you had hope that things were going to work out between you and they didn't.

 

Affairs many times end ugly. There's no pretty way to end it. I doubt there's anything he could have said in that final goodbye that never happened that could have spared you pain. Maybe you'd be calling him a coward for choosing his family?

 

Point is, try to stop focusing on him and why he did what he did.

 

Focus more on you. Why did you let the affair happen? Why did you allow him to treat you the way he did? Why were you willing to be his lady on the side?

 

How can you heal and move forward in your life?

 

These are things you should be asking yourself now.

 

Not dwelling on what he couldn't give you in the end. I'm sorry.

Edited March 17, 2015 by Rainbowlove

[Cali408]

OP, i'm sorry you're so hurt. The rejection you feel is just your ego talking. You should channel that anger to the point where you don't ever want to hear from him again. It's just your ego. You're getting better each farther day away from it

[nikki76]

I totally agree with Rainbowlove.

 

I did the same thing to my xmm. Went NC, with no explanation, no warning, just did it. Blocked and deleted our Facebook account. I dont feel like this was a cowardly move. It was one of the hardest decisions ive had to make.

I think there is ever proper closure. No matter how it ends, we will always wish it ended a different way.

 

Im sure it was very difficult for your mm. But any other way, wouldnt make it any easier on either of you.

 

Now you have to take the time to grieve, and focus on yourself. Dont obsess over the things you cannot change, because it only brings more hurt.

 

Its a long hard road ahead. But you can and will get through it.

[HeartWon'tHeal]

lookingforclosure, I know exactly how you feel and I felt sorry for myself for a very very long time. I felt hurt and betrayed. What upset me the most was xMM told me he loved me over and over. Then in the end he told me he only loved me like a friend. I felt like yesterdays garbage tossed to the curb. He probably moved on to another woman and then another.

 

Honestly, do we think our AP will leave their spouses for us??? xMM has children and he told me he would not leave his wife for that reason. That would have been a disaster stepping in and being a stepmom. Very foolish thinking on my part.

 

Since getting off the pity party train I wholeheartedly agree with the replies. We made a bad choice to get involved in an affair and the spouses are the victims...not us. It took me a LONG time to realize that and it has been much easier to move on and heal. My husband has forgiven me and we are still together.

 

What I do feel badly about is hurting his wife. I was "test driving" someone else's husband. I do not know if she knows but I feel terrible. She did not deserve this. I know who she is and one time I saw her at a store. I felt so much shame.

 

Bottom line is xMM will never be mine and he never was mine to begin with. Mourn the loss and move on with your life.

[ShatteredHearts]

I'm so sorry that you are hurting. I know exactly how you feel, as mine ended things in a similar way. You wonder how they can be so cruel, so dismissive of our feelings. I was thrown into NC after a phone call. I truly didn't think it would happen, even called him out and said "so we aren't going to talk anymore." I was told no,thats not it. But, it really was. I wish he could've come out and said no, we can't talk anymore, this is it, etc. Instead I was left to figure that out on my own, and it hurts.

There have been a lot of good points made above in previous posts. The only closure we will get is from within ourselves. I know I would have still been upset, but at least I would have heard the words and gotten that closure, instead of trying to hold on to false hope.

Hugs to you. We will get through this!

[jellybean89]

I don't see myself as a victim. Not at all.

 

I see myself as someone who made a series of terrible choices. I see my XAP as someone who made terrible choices with me.

 

She didn't make me do anything and I didn't make her do anything, but we both helped each other make the mess we made.

 

If anyone is the victim here, it's my wife.

 

Your post comes off as someone who is in pain and wants to blame your XAP for hurting you with the way it ended.

 

I think regardless of how it ended, you'd still be upset and hurt that it's over.

 

You are calling him a coward for not saying "this is the final goodbye" with words but he's saying it with his actions now.

 

I don't see him as a coward. I see him as someone who realized that any kind of contact after a month of going no contact with you would not have been healthy for him and his healing and not for his family.

 

He's put his healing and family above your feelings. He said he was going NC and he's sticking to it.

 

You're more upset b/c you had hope that things were going to work out between you and they didn't.

 

Affairs many times end ugly. There's no pretty way to end it. I doubt there's anything he could have said in that final goodbye that never happened that could have spared you pain. Maybe you'd be calling him a coward for choosing his family?

 

Point is, try to stop focusing on him and why he did what he did.

 

Focus more on you. Why did you let the affair happen? Why did you allow him to treat you the way he did? Why were you willing to be his lady on the side?

 

How can you heal and move forward in your life?

 

These are things you should be asking yourself now.

 

Not dwelling on what he couldn't give you in the end. I'm sorry.

 

Great post Rainbow.

[lookingforclosure]

ShatteredHearts- I can't believe how similar our stories actually are. And I too would've just been told straight forward that it was done and had the door closed instead of being told it wasn't goodbye. Maybe it was the only way he could deal with it. I Haven't heard from him in a little over 2 months. He doesn't even bring me up anymore to mutual friends. That hurt me for quite some time. He has totally blocked and erased any evidence of me from his life, except the Skype account. But no one can erase what's in our heads. I can pretend he doesn't exist, but its a facade. I held on to the false hope as well until I finally came to the realization last week that even if he does care and does love me, he can't and wont show it. He knows I'm hurt but his way of dealing with it is not dealing with it. He has chosen his family and I will respect his decision. I just wish he would've respected me in return.

 

But what's the old saying...you can wish in one hand and $-@t in the other and see which one fills up first. I just doing the best that I can each day, some better than others...some days I pass him on the road, some I don't. He will always pop up from time to time and it's getting a little easier..

[ShatteredHearts]

I still believe they are cowards. They knew what they were getting into and took the easy way out. I'm not saying I made the best choices, but I can at least own up to my mistakes, but show empathy at the same time. I think that's a big part of my struggle - after all this time did we mean nothing to them? In my case we had countless breaks ups. Each time he'd reach out saying how awful he felt and he couldn't stand not talking to me. After awhile, that's what you expect to hear. He used to be adamant on face to face convos..even when it was to breakup. At least then I felt like he gave a **** about me. For them to end things so abruptly and with no desire to end it with some decency..? It's like uh wait..what?

 

Hope can be a bitch, and when things are left open ended to a degree,its damned hard to let go and move on. I feel ya on passing them on the road. When my AP moved out, he moved to a place half a mile away from me. Couple that with us working at the same place..and yeah. It's tough.

Hang in there. <3

[lookingforclosure]

I'm so sorry that you are hurting. I know exactly how you feel, as mine ended things in a similar way. You wonder how they can be so cruel, so dismissive of our feelings. I was thrown into NC after a phone call. I truly didn't think it would happen, even called him out and said "so we aren't going to talk anymore." I was told no,thats not it. But, it really was. I wish he could've come out and said no, we can't talk anymore, this is it, etc. Instead I was left to figure that out on my own, and it hurts.

There have been a lot of good points made above in previous posts. The only closure we will get is from within ourselves. I know I would have still been upset, but at least I would have heard the words and gotten that closure, instead of trying to hold on to false hope.

Hugs to you. We will get through this!

 

 

It was cruel the way he handled things with me, but speaking with a good friend of mine (male) who has found himself in the same situation before told me the way he sees it, is that xMM got in way over his head and just panicked in the end. His whole foundation he built over the years could be in jeopardy if his wife found out. She has her suspicions and she has done things in order for her to take care of herself. That probably blindsided him and he flipped. I can understand the fear of loosing everything you know...I just wish he could have been up front instead of saying it wasn't goodbye, when deep down he knew it was....or he just wants to keep the door open in case things do explode on his end so he doesn't end up alone.

 

I am done with this...yes I was wrong for getting involved with him no matter what sob story or lies he through out there. Unfortunately I am way too easy to trust and believe that people are always truthful. I know at some point he did love me, and I him...but he is focusing on what's important to him, and that's not me...and a little bit each day it gets easier to actually say that. I am realizing that I am someone who deserves love even if I have made some pretty terrible mistakes. I am learning to grow from this. I am not disposable, I am not the least collateral damage...I am a good person and I deserve so much more than crumbs from someone else's life. And I do regret the pain I have caused his W and family...she will never know that because I don't feel right reaching out to her when i'm sure she only knows half truths from him, but I am genuinely sorry.

[LifelongCheater]

I hope you now know that you never meant anything to him other than some "strange" that he wasn't getting at home. That's just the way it is.

[lookingforclosure]

I hope you now know that you never meant anything to him other than some "strange" that he wasn't getting at home. That's just the way it is.

 

Well aren't you just a nice one...

[LifelongCheater]

Well aren't you just a nice one...

 

I know that doesn't seem nice but I know what you need to hear is the blunt truth. I know this guy. He's me.

[lookingforclosure]

I know that doesn't seem nice but I know what you need to hear is the blunt truth. I know this guy. He's me.

 

Ok...so you KNOW for certain that he is a serial cheater. And i'm not saying that being a smart tail..I would like to know what in my story sticks out that he is.

I do have a guy friend who is...he actually knows the guy and he doesn't seem to think so. So I would like to hear your perspective please...

[Cinnimon]

LFC I wouldn't entertain anything LLC has to say, he's just going to hurt you. If you read his posts he admittedly hurts people and gets off on it.

[lookingforclosure]

LFC I wouldn't entertain anything LLC has to say, he's just going to hurt you. If you read his posts he admittedly hurts people and gets off on it.

 

 

THANKS FOR THE WARNING

[HeartWon'tHeal]

I am curious...have you decided what you are going to do?

[Friskyone4u]

Looking For Closure,

 

Affairs very rarely end with a storybook amicable ending and what he has done is not unusual. A MM who has an affair is no different than a single man who you dated. Men will do anything and say anything to get in your pants. i know. Your Mm was different, your affair was different, you were soul mates, and on and on. Once you take him off the pedestal you have him on you will be able to understand that he was selfish and concerned with himself and you were collateral damage.

 

To me it is just amazing how intelligent women continue to think that because a guy is married that he is some kind of honorable prince and will only have sex with you if he truly loves you.

 

He is no different than the single guys chasing you since you hit puberty and he wants the same thing.

 

Accept that and it will be a lot easier for you and you will get out of this futile search for the perfect "closure".

[Riri90]

I hope you now know that you never meant anything to him other than some "strange" that he wasn't getting at home. That's just the way it is.

 

How does this apply to the MM who only have EA's?