Feeling Hurt and Depressed By Friend

[stormywind]

There's a MM that works in my bldg. at work. After running into each other several times, we became friends earlier this year. He started to flirt with me quite a bit over the past several months. We did end up kissing me and doing a little making out on two occasions but it didn't go any further. That was in August.

We stayed friendly but that's all--and we only talked at work after that. Then he started to seem distant.

Now I feel like he's blowing me off and it's really gotten me down. It's bad enough that I never feel like I matter to people but now I feel like it even more.

[Inovermyhead]

Are you married?

 

Maybe he feels guilty for kissing you. Maybe he really wants his marriage to work.

 

Do you know much about this MM? Has he talked with you about his marriage? Are there kids involved?

 

Messing with anyone who is married is VERY dangerous. Believe me!! The hurt you will feel in the end will be 100 times worse than any joy you felt during the moment. It just isn't worth it.

[Barby]

OKay well I think since you got several responses from this exact situation already...

 

your other thread

 

Okay so all has been said already but I'll give you my 2 cents....

 

He's married...Leave him alone and find someone single...obviously he felt guilty and is trying to get you to back off and you don't take the hint. Not to be rude but he obviously isn't interested in pursuing an affair with you. For his sake, his wife's sake and most of all your sake please move on and find someone single.

[Pocky]

Now I feel like he's blowing me off and it's really gotten me down.

 

Okay I'm just going to say it.

 

I am so tired of hearing the pleas for help and understanding from people that enter into these types of relationships and end up hurt. I'm tired of the confusion and the constant questioning of why married people are behaving a certain way towards the OM/OW.

 

If you enter into a relationship with a married person then I expect you to be mature enough to realize that this has the potential of being a "sucks to be you" type of situation, that you'll probably get hurt, that you probably won't have a happy ending and that when it's all said and done you'll be left with very little.

 

If you enter into a relationship with married person then you have to take the BS that comes along with it. If you're mature and rational enough to make the decision to get involved with a married person then I assume that you are mature and rational enough to know that you're going to be dealt a lot of BS.

 

It's unfortunate that you feel that you are unimportant. I could tell you a thousand times you aren't, but until you decide to believe it, my words won't mean a thing. However, longing for the attention of a married man isn't going to be the type of self-esteem boost you need. Take the time to decide whether or not you really want to be the "other woman". Some women have no problem with it and even prefer to have that type of relationship as it affords them the freedom to live their life the way they wish. However, from the way your present yourself, I don't get the impression that you would be happy being the other woman.

 

 

 

 

(let the lambasting commence..)

[stormywind]

 

He's married...Leave him alone and find someone single...obviously he felt guilty and is trying to get you to back off and you don't take the hint. Not to be rude but he obviously isn't interested in pursuing an affair with you. For his sake, his wife's sake and most of all your sake please move on and find someone single.

 

Gee, sorry for posting more than once on this. You really make a person feel great especially when they have nowhere to turn to.

 

And also---it's not an affair. If you'd read it, you'd realize that I am interested in keeping the friendship and that I didn't pursue anything further with him.

 

But thanks again for making me feel like dirt.

[stormywind]

Are you married?

 

Maybe he feels guilty for kissing you. Maybe he really wants his marriage to work.

 

Do you know much about this MM? Has he talked with you about his marriage? Are there kids involved?

 

Messing with anyone who is married is VERY dangerous. Believe me!! The hurt you will feel in the end will be 100 times worse than any joy you felt during the moment. It just isn't worth it.

 

I'm not married. He has said his marriage isn't very good. There are kids involved--he has two. I guess I thought he was a friend and he wasn't.

[stormywind]

I am so tired of hearing the pleas for help and understanding from people that enter into these types of relationships and end up hurt. I'm tired of the confusion and the constant questioning of why married people are behaving a certain way towards the OM/OW.

 

Why do you continue to read them then?

 

Take the time to decide whether or not you really want to be the "other woman". Some women have no problem with it and even prefer to have that type of relationship as it affords them the freedom to live their life the way they wish. However, from the way your present yourself, I don't get the impression that you would be happy being the other woman.

 

There's nowhere that I stated that I want to be the other woman. I started out as friends with him. He tried a few things. I wanted to still have him as a friend.

[bluechocolate]

Now I feel like he's blowing me off and it's really gotten me down.

 

If he is trying to make his marriage work then he can have nothing to do with you & that includes being your friend.

[Pocky]

Why do you continue to read them then?

 

Because I don't know the person is whining about their situation until I read it. Some people have questions regarding their affair that doesn't consist of the "oh why is he/she hurting me". Some people are mature enough to understand the situation that they're getting into and they don't exhibit self-pity regarding their affair. Spock is a good example of this. KMT is also a good example. I can read their posts, know that they understand the situation they're in and give them my opinion. I don't have to coddle them and assuage their pain because they're getting hurt by their married man.

 

 

There's nowhere that I stated that I want to be the other woman. I started out as friends with him. He tried a few things. I wanted to still have him as a friend.

 

If you had no intention of being the other woman then you wouldn't have fooled around with him twice.

[Barby]

Gee, sorry for posting more than once on this. You really make a person feel great especially when they have nowhere to turn to.

 

 

There is nothing wrong with posting more than once but everyone has already given you answers..you don't seem to want to hear them...you want someone to say "oh you're so right, poor you!! He has to be your friend, keep chasing him, blah blah blah" it probably won't happen! You can keep trying but I almost bet no matter who posts they'll tell you similar advice because COMMON SENSE says leave him alone and move on, don't try and be his "friend" or anything else.

 

And also---it's not an affair. If you'd read it, you'd realize that I am interested in keeping the friendship and that I didn't pursue anything further with him.

 

You're upset that he is blowing you off after you two kissed and made out, hello he felt bad it was a sort of affair, he's married you're NOT his wife...he cheated so he's keeping his distance! He probably doesn't want the temptation therefor he doesn't want you as a friend or otherwise...are you that desperate for friends that you need to pursue him? I doubt it, you probably have other friends that are actually friends that won't try and get down your pants...(unless those are the kinds of friends you want quit pushing to be his friend).

 

But thanks again for making me feel like dirt.

 

You know what................nope..you felt like dirt when you posted this, I didn't make you feel like anything. You don't have a very high self esteem and seem to lack in self respect to make out with a MM who claims to be unhappy and then when he stays away knowing he did something wrong you can't leave it alone...What does that say? You think you were feeling good when you posted this and it's now my fault you felt bad?

 

Well you can feel bad if it makes you feel better.

[stormywind]

If you had no intention of being the other woman then you wouldn't have fooled around with him twice.

 

I let him kiss me. My dad had just died. Maybe I just needed someone to hold me.

[Owl]

So Storm...what is your expectations from this post? Are you looking for advice on how to proceed, are you looking for someone to tell you you're OK, or what? I think that the reason that you're getting all this flak is that people feel like they've tried to help, and that you've not done anything to make your situation better. From that perpsective, it gets frustrating to continually provide advice to somone who doesn't want to use it. What's that definition of insanity? "Insanity is repeatedly performing the same action over and over, and constantly hoping for a different result"

[stormywind]

 

I doubt it, you probably have other friends that are actually friends that won't try and get down your pants...(unless those are the kinds of friends you want quit pushing to be his friend).

 

I don't have any friends who are really there for me. Does that make you feel better?

As for wanting to be friends with HIM--it's because we clicked and were on the same wavelength. Do you not find friends you click better with than others?

 

And you're right---a friend shouldn't only want to be your friend in order to get down your pants. I guess he was yet another person who wasn't really a friend.

 

 

You know what................nope..you felt like dirt when you posted this, I didn't make you feel like anything. You don't have a very high self esteem and seem to lack in self respect to make out with a MM who claims to be unhappy and then when he stays away knowing he did something wrong you can't leave it alone...What does that say? You think you were feeling good when you posted this and it's now my fault you felt bad?

 

Considering that I went through a breakup earlier this year, my dad died and I've had two surgeries and have had absolutely no one there for me, I think I'm doing the best that I can.

[stormywind]

So Storm...what is your expectations from this post? Are you looking for advice on how to proceed, are you looking for someone to tell you you're OK, or what? I think that the reason that you're getting all this flak is that people feel like they've tried to help, and that you've not done anything to make your situation better. From that perpsective, it gets frustrating to continually provide advice to somone who doesn't want to use it. What's that definition of insanity? "Insanity is repeatedly performing the same action over and over, and constantly hoping for a different result"

 

 

sorry to have ever posted.

[blind_otter]

My bestfriend was in a similar situation but she was in the married man's position. This girl, let's call her Candy (my bestfriend is a lesbian), was friendly with my friend, and they fooled around once or twice at parties, but my friend wasn't interested in Candy.

 

Candy continued to call my friend, and sent her letters and drawings, etc., the whole time claiming that she "just wanted to be friends." But it made my friend feel uncomfortable, she could tell that Candy wanted more.

 

Here's the thing - you can't force someone to be your friend. And since you two had intimate contact, that kinda rules out caual friends - what you did will always hang between you. I know he said his marriage wasn't good, but anyone can say anything, you and I both know that - and people are always tempted to say anything to get what they want.

 

In all honesty, from your tone, it sounds like you sincerely DO want more than a friendship. In any case, it takes two people to want to be friends OR lovers, and if he doesn't want it, let it go, move on, and don't torture yourself. The idea that you were vulnerable and just wanted someone to hold is even more troublesome, because you can't just arbitrarily allow people intimate contact with you just because you are in a weak moment.

 

And there also must be self-esteem issues at play here, since there's no reason to cling so tenaciously to a work friendship!

[Pocky]

We did end up kissing me and doing a little making out on two occasions

 

Stormywind - Can you honestly say that if he had pursued more of a relationship with you that you would have declined? You allowed yourself to fool around with him on two occasions (regardless of the reason). If you truly valued him as a friend you wouldn't have allowed anything to happen in the first place. If you want to claim those two occasions were a mistake I don't think anyone would fault you. However, by not understanding what impact those two occasions could have on his marriage and by not understanding that the friendship you find so important could be detrimental to his marriage, as his friend, don't you think you should back off? If really want to be the friend and you valued him that much, value him enough to not allow him to make a mistake he may regret for the rest of his life.

[stormywind]

And there also must be self-esteem issues at play here, since there's no reason to cling so tenaciously to a work friendship!

 

The reason for clinging is that I don't often find people I click with--even as friends. If you're someone who clicks with a lot of people, then you wouldn't understand.

 

Anyway, it turns out---I think he and I are still friends now.

[bluechocolate]

.

[stormywind]

I disagree with that quote. I've taken advice both on this and on other forums regarding a variety of issues. In fact, I also run my own forum. I think what a lot of people on forums expect however, is someone to do a 180 based on their post and things don't usually happen that way.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by stormywind

The reason for clinging is that I don't often find people I click with--even as friends. If you're someone who clicks with a lot of people, then you wouldn't understand.

 

Anyway, it turns out---I think he and I are still friends now.

 

I'm actually not someone who clicks with a lot of people. But I still don't understand the clinging. For me, if someone seems interested in hanging out, then that's cool. If not, whatever. I'd rather be by myself than seem desperate for human contact.

[Barby]

I don't have any friends who are really there for me. Does that make you feel better?

As for wanting to be friends with HIM--it's because we clicked and were on the same wavelength. Do you not find friends you click better with than others?

 

And you're right---a friend shouldn't only want to be your friend in order to get down your pants. I guess he was yet another person who wasn't really a friend

 

Okay there are a few things to address here...first it doesn't "make me feel better" that you don't have friends who you can click with....your life is just that "your's" so I'm sorry that you find yourself lacking in meaningful friendships but that doesn't make me feel one way or another.

 

Yes I have a few good friends I really "click" with, but they are not males that I've made out with or that I wished I could have a relationship with. Friendships are JUST that...........FRIENDships! Not lovers, not sexual partners, just friends...

 

And last but not least.....I know I'm right that friends shouldn't want to get down your pants....but it's interesting that you worded it that they shouldn't "only" want to get down your pants...friends should NOT want to get down your pants AT ALL!

 

I'm sorry you've suffered your loss, that could never be easy and you've gone through surgeries as well but that should only make you see your own strength. As someone has mentioned about clinginess...that isn't an attractive quality in a friend or a partner so you need to work on that part with yourself....

[stormywind]

Boy people really do come on here to knock others, don't they? And not just in my thread---I've seen it happen in plenty of others ESPECIALLY in this section.

 

And some are so very quick to point out others faults. To those who do that, does it give you a feeling of power or superiority or something?

 

Is it because you're able to on here? Because this is where people open themselves up and make themselves vulnerable???

 

Let's wait until people feel comfortable enough to open themselves up and then attack them like vultures.

 

Despite your best attempts at it, you're not going to knock me down. I might suffer from low self-esteem sometimes but at least I can admit it. Far worse are those who can't admit their faults but can only point out faults in others. To me, THOSE are the ones with the REAL problem.

 

To those who point out what traits I have that won't make for a good relationship, examine your own traits as well. You might be surprised that you have quite a few.

 

Be careful because when you point fingers, three of them are pointing back to you.