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A brutally truthful and honest OW's perspective.


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Please read the whole post, I just started typing and writing my thoughts as they emerged. A series of facts and thoughts!

 

I have been seeing a married man for over a year now. I ended it three times during that year because although it is an incredible relationship, I know that it is so wrong to carry on allowing it to happen.

 

We did NO CONTACT for three months. Which was extremely painful for me, and as I now know was also the same for him. We got back in touch and immediately it got back to being full on and just got better.

 

My situation now is that I need to explore why I seem to have accepted my “other woman “ status. This isn’t about trying to understand his motives or why he will or wont leave his wife, or the rights or wrongs of it. I need to decide what to do next and I need to be sure of what I want in the future before I talk it through with him.

 

This is about me trying to work out what I do next. I need to put my thoughts on paper , see them laid out and discuss it with people who have some insight and empathy with my situation.

 

In many ways it is easier for me to keep things as they are.

 

I have my own house, good job, good friends, no money worries, good relationship with my son’s Dad and my son is doing really well in all areas of his life. And having MM in my life is giving me all the love, attention and affection that I feel I need at present.

 

We talk every day and see eachother at least two to three times a week. He meets me for lunch during the week. Comes over some evenings during the week , often staying 4-5 hours. On Sundays he spends 10-12 hours with me. Over the past two months we have spent more time together over the whole weekends than he has spent at home. It’s certainly no longer in the realms of only seeing eachother at our best.

 

When we go out, he has always held my hand, he’s not afraid to do public displays of affection! There is no doubt that we are out together!

 

When in our own little world, this is consistently the most satisfying and fulfilling relationship that either of us have ever had. He is pretty much my ideal guy. In any other situation, we would be able to say that we are a great match. There is no doubt in my mind that we love eachother very much. We have long since past the “thrill/fling” stage and are still here with a very strong emotional bond.

 

Friends who really know me and about different relationships I have had in the past all say that they know I wouldn’t be doing this, if it wasn’t actually something serious and positive in my life. I can and have been happily single in the past, because I find that life is better to be on my own and free and independent than to put up with a relationship that isn’t working just so that I have some company!

 

So, what do I do?.....this relationship has taken me to places in my head and my heart that I have never been before, overwhelming guilt, intense pain when we weren’t in eachothers lives, but overall as far as it has gone I have experienced the kind of love and connection that I have always believed could exist.

 

You wont be surprised to read that I have endlessly gone over it all in my head, questioned every aspect of it, tried to get to the bottom of how I could be here in this situation. I would say at the moment ,90% of the time I am happy with how things work!!!! Which will sound crazy from many people’s perspective.

 

Apart from the feelings I have about our relationship and what it has taught me about myself………….is this relationship also showing me that I have a fear of commitment? Am I accepting this other woman status because he is married and therefore it is not likely that I will have to cross that final bridge and make a commitment to someone else and live with someone again and compromise on things.

 

Is it that I have let him get as close to me and my heart as I will ever let anyone?

 

Am I rationalising that the relationship suits me down to the ground because I don’t have to face the issue of whether I am able to totally commit to man and a lifelong relationship?

 

At the same time it’s all but impossible to walk away again from a relationship that is just getting better and better. And a relationship that has for so long given us both far more happiness than it has caused us pain.

 

Is anyone willing to help me explore this?

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Please, PLEASE go buy a copy of "he's just NOT that into you". It will make you laugh.

 

 

What do you want from this guy? Is he going to leave his wife?

 

 

Eventually, you'll get tired of waiting, and you'll be able to move on.

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OK, I'll tell you what I think:

 

Originally posted by thisismyview

 

I have my own house, good job, good friends, no money worries, good relationship with my son’s Dad and my son is doing really well in all areas of his life. And having MM in my life is giving me all the love, attention and affection that I feel I need at present.

 

We talk every day and see eachother at least two to three times a week. He meets me for lunch during the week. Comes over some evenings during the week , often staying 4-5 hours. On Sundays he spends 10-12 hours with me. Over the past two months we have spent more time together over the whole weekends than he has spent at home. It’s certainly no longer in the realms of only seeing eachother at our best.

 

 

You might not always be seeing each other at your best, but neither are you truly seeing each other as real life would impose if you were fully committed to each other (and no one else) and fully integrated into each others' lives. Those weekends you spend together in no way approximate what it would be like if the two of you were living together as a fully legitimate couple. Think about it: when he's at your place, it's your place. He might feel very "at home" and comfortable in your place by now, but it's still very much yours and the full responsibility of maintaining and cleaning and paying is yours -- not his. So you two wake up one morning and discover that the kitchen sink has been leaking, the floor is flooded, etc. And he happens to be handy and sets about to fix it. And you're grateful... ah, grateful! What a difference than what would be the case if that very same situation occurred in a house the two of you were jointly responsible for. He'd be in charge of fixing it, with no gratitude! It would just be his part of the burden, just as you do other things. He wouldn't get to be Mr. Wonderful, Heroic Plumber (if he's not handy in that way, just pretend for argument's sake).

 

Do you see the fundamental emotional difference? He probably doesn't give a second thought to the way you keep your house. It's not his place. But what if it were? Would everything be as effortless, as unquestioned? I doubt it. I really do.

 

The niggling details of everyday life are a genuine threat to Romance. It's hard to live up to your obligations and still have the emotional energy, the time, and the inclination to cultivate romance. Right now, your relationship with this guy is a break from the demands of his real life. He might cheerfully help out in all kinds of ways in your life, but he always gets kudos from you for doing so, right? He's not obliged to. I've seen many men who happily volunteer to do things when no one expects it of them -- time-consuming and/or expensive things! -- but chafe the moment someone suggests they have an obligation to do something. And it's not just about tasks and whether or not he gets credit for doing them. It's about actually carving out a mental/emotional space to nurture some romance. With you, the space is automatic. His real life and its small worries cannot intrude; when he's with you he can't do a darn thing about getting his mom into a nursing home, or making sure his kids have done their homework, or cleaning out the garage.

 

I suspect that most people who undertake affairs are not bad people who just want to be selfish and deceitful. And I don't doubt that the emotions you and your MM feel for each other are genuine. But take a look at the circumstances under which those emotions have been able to develop. It's not really the real world. The demands of daily life don't fully dominate, as they usually do in real life, in legitimate relationships.

 

I'm just saying that if you ever have hopes that your relationship will become the primary, sole relationship in this guy's life, you might well find that if it does come to pass, the magic you feel will disappear... and then he might too. Remember, no matter how wonderful you think this guy is, he is cheating. He's not dealing with his marriage the way he ought to. If it's a bad marriage, he should leave it. If it's a flawed-but-still-desirable marriage, why is he sabotaging it? Cheating doesn't have to mean a person is irredeemably bad, but it does suggest that they don't deal very well with problems in their relationship.

 

Good luck.

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we only need to wait and see what time will bring through your way/s. I mean either you, him or both. Just wait and be patient.

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Why is it when someone in an affair says they have fallen in love with the perfect person for them, that it's automatically discounted on the basis of "it's not a real relationship," "you don't see him/her at his worst," or "it's all just a fantasy."

 

I don't know of many people that finds someone they are interested in and move right in together and/or get married. Typically there is a period of time where you are dating or seeing each other. How is this any different from an affair? And why does being in an affair suddenly make you a poor judge of what it is you're feeling?

 

I think anyone would be hard pressed to find a thread where someone is given the same advice as ThisIsMyView has been given in this thread had only one detaill been different... that MM was a single man.

 

Recognize that I'm not arguing the morality of affairs here... I'm just wondering why that one detail can in effect completely discredit a person's capabilities and feelings. Just curious.

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I agree with Quilly.

 

Everytime you start to date someone, whether they are married or not, they see you at your best (hopefully) and don't have to deal with all of your little day-to-day things. You feel something for that person at that time, the giddiness, the "wow", the puppy love...and that is real. When you are feeling those same "wow" feelings for a man that is married, that is still 100% real. Perhaps what is really the case is that when you eventually get to the day-to-day stuff, some of the passion and romance wears thin....but that doesn't mean the passion and romance in the first place was fake.

 

The difference is that in an affair, the honeymoon phase lasts longer - seems to me (like in my situation) that the honeymoon phase when in a relationship with a MM actually lasts for so long as the affair continues. The different dynamics of each relationship doesn't make what is felt any less real.

 

My heart hurts when my MM leaves the same way my heart hurt when a different guy I was in love with would go away on a trip. The feelings, in both instances, were real. Different situations, different men, but still REAL.

 

As for why ThisIsMyView is willing to be involved as an OW, I have rationalized the answer. Without MM in your life, you have everything in life you could possibly want except excitement, lust, passion, great sex, pillow talk, etc. You don't want someone around 24/7, you don't want more children, you don't need someone to help you pay the bills, etc. He fits his purpose - for now. The problem will arise when you decide you want more. THAT's when it's gonna reeeeeeeaaaaaaalllllllllyyyyyyy hurt.

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Originally posted by KissMyTiara

I agree with Quilly.

 

Everytime you start to date someone, whether they are married or not, they see you at your best (hopefully) and don't have to deal with all of your little day-to-day things. You feel something for that person at that time, the giddiness, the "wow", the puppy love...and that is real. When you are feeling those same "wow" feelings for a man that is married, that is still 100% real. Perhaps what is really the case is that when you eventually get to the day-to-day stuff, some of the passion and romance wears thin....but that doesn't mean the passion and romance in the first place was fake.

 

I don't know if this comment and the one preceding it were in response to what I posted, but I'll respond to what you've said to point out that, in my view, it's not a question of the emotions being "fake," but rather that at least one person is demonstrating that they are not very good at handling the real-life details of a committed relationship.

 

I agree, when a normal relationship starts out, you see the other person, first at their "best," and then as the relationship progresses, you see them with greater clarity, not always at their best, but still not fully integrated and responsible in your life. That doesn't happen until a couple makes a firm commitment (through marriage, or whatever step is meaningful to them).

 

The difference that I see is that in the infidelity scenario, at least one and sometimes both partners are engaging in a relationship that is an escape from what they have already committed themselves to. That demonstrates that a) their ability to commit is flawed, and b) that quite possibly part of the appeal of the affair lies in the fact that it is an escape from the mundane hassles of their committed relationship. It's not that either partner doesn't really feel what they say and think they're feeling for their lover. It's that what's behind those emotions is only sustainable in the context of an affair that's removed from the obligations of real life; and moreover, that at least the adulterer (that is, the person cheating on a partner) is not able to address issues in his/her primary relationship. At the end of the day, every lover of a MM/MW has got to ask themselves, "why is this person cheating with me? Why not leave the unsatisfactory marriage?" I know there are all kinds of rationalizations, and if you want to buy into them, of course you will. I'm not saying that I wouldn't buy into them if I were in such a position. I know what it's like to want to be loved by someone, and to believe that the right person is someone who, objectively speaking, is an unrealistic candidate to love me (although I've never engaged in infidelity -- either my own or someone else's).

 

If you're determined to believe that your relationship is pure and not the result of your married lover's insufficient coping skills when it comes to relationships, well, I hope things will work out for you. But I suspect that if you could achieve some genuine objectivity, you'd probably conclude that a married lover, especially one who isn't looking to become un-married anytime soon, is a bad bet (and admit reality to yourself: if your love has been talking for months/years about wanting to leave his/her spouse, but hasn't done so yet, the likelihood that he/she will is very slim indeed). I'm not suggesting that the lovers of married people are just sex objects, or just emotional crutches. But sometimes you can love someone and see that despite their wonderful qualities, they have serious flaws that make them very bad candidates for lasting love. That doesn't negate the truth of what you feel for them. I'm simply pointing out that those emotions may be more a function of circumstance than you've recognized.

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If you are getting what you need from him emotionally and feel you will never need anything more from him, then I suppose you could continue on as is. Eventually you may want more and will realize that he isn't going to leave his marriage for whatever reasons and you may regret the time you spent with him, if it turns into years, or you may not and may still feel happy to have had him in your life. I think all of what's been written in response makes sense. In affairs and in marriages people are usually working through family conflicts/relationships from their immediate and extended families. There are few completely healthy relationships, otherwise people most likely wouldn't have affairs or look elsewhere to get whatever is missing, they wouldn't divorce or stay in unhappy marriages etc. They wouldn't be in marriages where they feel they have to be constantly vigilant and spy on their spouses, that is a horrible way to live imo. Have you ever discussed his marriage with him, why it isn't working and how he feels about it, how he feels about you etc.? By continuing a relationship with him, you are both helping and harming his marriage and his family if he has one and yourself to a degree. And I guess you do know since you brought it up that this relationship feels safer to you because you don't have to deal with the realities of daily life and how they affect intimacy.

 

I think it is entirely possible to love more than one person in your life and probable through an extended long lasting marriage whether it's a relatively happy one or an unhealthy one that this will happen to one partner at least. It is also possible to love someone, and never to act on it. That would be the ethical thing to do if this happens.

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ThumbingMyWay
Originally posted by thisismyview

 

Am I rationalising that the relationship suits me down to the ground because I don't have to face the issue of whether I am able to totally commit to man and a lifelong relationship?

 

 

It seems to me that you are satisfied with the situ as is. BUT, what if he left his wife and wanted to marry you?....what you you say?.

 

 

 

or the opposite situ, like those in Guest's comments:

 

Originally posted by guest

Eventually you may want more and will realize that he isn't going to leave his marriage for whatever reasons and you may regret the time you spent with him

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What an amazing discussion...

 

I've always taken the view that my relationship with my MM wasn't really real. We actually saw each other 5 nights a week and around 5 plus hours each time. That's a big 25 hours, more than his wife ever saw him Im sure, and more than I ever saw my previous b/f.

 

But then, I think my relationship was more of an escape for him,... we acted like teenages hanging out on the lounge. In 'real life' he had a high pressure job...a wife and 4 kids... We had a lot of fun together -- enjoyed each others company immensely and shared a lot of love -- which I recon was at least somewhat genuine.

 

We never did adult things together. I mean, sure, we got the groceries occassionally -- but, we never woke up together and decided what to do with our day or weekend. We never planned for our future together, talked about finances (always a toughie in a relationship), never had to be responsible to each other -- when he got upset with me he just went home to his wife, when I got upset I just waited for him to go home to his wife. We never had a commitment to each other... he could tell me all the 'I love you's in the world', and it wouldn't change the fact that he was going to be sleeping in his house with the wife that night. We couldn't meet each other's families or each others friends. Everything had to be a secret..

 

I guess the worst thing for me was that I couldn't feel I could naturally progress the relationship to the next stage if I wanted. When I've been in other relationship I could get to know my partner -- have him stay over, spend a few weekends together and see how it went. But, he was like on curfew all the time... it's restrictive. I wanted to know -- hey, if we spent the weekend together would we just be lying around on the lounge together watching TV or would be be out doing things, visiting galleries, going to the beach, whatever ... If he lived with me -- would my amazing domestic skills (not) drive him crazy, would we drive each other crazy -- or would it be all good... I don't know -- the only way to find out would have been for him to have left his wife... it was kinda a big ask for someone to do in a way -- I mean, cause I didn't act like I wanted it (I couldn't)... It was something I could never have asked him to do. Ever.

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Thank you all for the intelligent conversation. I've been seeing my MM for almost eight months now and the happiness/sadness balance is just starting to tip. Ouch.

 

You are helping me live through it. Thanks.

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someone who knows

An affair is like a vacation. New place, wonderful sunsets, Love to live there. But sooner or later you want just want to go home. Or (as in my case) you want to stay, you notice the new location has lost its luster and you wish you never moved. hope that make sense to you. Take it from someone who knows.

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I have to apologise for starting a request for feedback and then not responding...my PC died and it's taken a while to get back on line.

 

Thank you to everyone who took time to reply, but reading through the replies i think that Sky's response is more on the button.

 

My post wasn't about the trauma's of will he wont he leave or even do i think he is the one...it was more about me trying to understand why I am doing this. It was about me....

 

I realise that text on a screen can never portray the whole picture and one can come across as naive if just a few thoughts are written down without the full background.

(because no-one wants to read the blow by blow account do they!!) I totally understand all that murasaki said about Reality.....I was married and know what real life is all about....i thought my ex husband was the best thing when we met....but I was younger then!!

 

I think that i may have posted in the wrong forum....I need to find a good site that deals with "who am I? and why am I doing this ?"

 

I'll never regret the time I have spent with MM, ever!...it's taught me so much, and it has felt like the best relationship I have ever experienced. I still know it's wrong, I still feel a lot of guilt, but I also know that we have a fundamental connection.....can't explain it.....dont know if it will last ( but part of me thinks that , that is because we are conditioned to believe that stuff like this doesn't happen!)

 

I don't know if he is the one and I am prepared for the fact that he might not be...... I just want to know why...this man..makes me so happy...feel so loved, feel so good, every day....he makes me laugh, he makes me smile....he supports me, he is gentle , he is kind....he is attentive, he makes time for me, but he is also a man, he is cool and has a great personality, he's a great friend, i don't SEE him every day but I feel close to him all the time, he frustrates me sometimes because he is not like me! or because he doesn't see the world always as I do..........BUT I AM ALSO HAPPY THAT HE IS NOT AVAILABLE!!!!!! and I just don't want or need to end it!

 

It's ME I need to understand!

 

This is the wrong forum, because I am not a desperate OW, I am just a woman who is experiencing something great who doesn't know how to reconcile it.

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*stands up and applauds muraski's post" BRAVO BRAVO!! You were so diplomatic with her and non-attacking, that was a very good post that every one should be able to read and learn from. Thank you, there is nothing more I could add. :)

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... but when I was talking about the difference between real life and what you've got with your MM, I wasn't just referring to the difference between his reality and what you two have, but also the difference between your reality and what you two have.

 

In the same way that nothing in your home is his responsibility, you don't have to answer to him for any of it. I'm an independent person, have never been married, only briefly lived with a boyfriend overseas. I haven't had to explain myself to anyone for a long time when it comes to decisions I make for my household, spending habits, etc. I wonder how I would be if I did have to explain, justify, compromise. So it seems to me that your relationship with this man is ideal in that sense: you get someone who's involved with you emotionally, but whose bottom line isn't affected by yours (financially, etc.). Is that something that appeals to you, especially since you were once in a marriage, where of course you were having to justify, explain and compromise to one extent or another?

 

you ask:

I just want to know why...this man..makes me so happy...feel so loved, feel so good, every day....he makes me laugh, he makes me smile....he supports me, he is gentle , he is kind....he is attentive, he makes time for me, but he is also a man, he is cool and has a great personality, he's a great friend, i don't SEE him every day but I feel close to him all the time, he frustrates me sometimes because he is not like me! or because he doesn't see the world always as I do

 

And that's what I was getting at earlier: you get the best of him, the upbeat, affectionate, supportive, amusing person that he has the capacity to be, because nothing about you is associated with the mundane things in life, his small failures, obligations, etc. Those are the things that perhaps prevent him from interacting that way with his wife... or maybe not. Maybe they're just incompatible. That's not important. What seems important is that your relationship with him is very likely attached to the particular set of circumstances you're in with him. If you changed the circumstances, he might not be so attentive and loving as he is now. I know you're not asking what would happen if the two of you transformed your relationship to one of open, exclusive commitment. But I think the answer to your question, if I've understood it correctly, is still the fact that you're not fully involved in each others' lives, not fully responsible to each other. That's what allows for the deep connection between you -- there's no static interference from mortgage payments, car maintenence, or the fact that you bought a very expensive coat last month that will take three months to clear from your credit card (all just examples, I'm not assuming you're a spendthrift!).

 

Lots of kids have a favorite uncle, who visits on weekends and does fun things with them -- takes them to the circus, to play laser tag, out for pizza. He can be the fun uncle because his relationship with them is based exclusively around fun things: he never has to scold them for not picking up their dirty clothes, he never has to listen to their tantrums when they're overtired, he doesn't have to meet with their teacher to discuss the fact that they might need some extra help in math or reading. He's just about fun and going to the circus. It's a real relationship between the kids and their favorite uncle. His love for them is real, as is theirs for him. But the rapport between them is a function of his complete lack of responsibility for them (except when shepherding them to the circus). Nothing gets in the way of fun.

 

Maybe you just want someone who will show up on weekends and take you to the circus, so to speak. If that's all you want and need, why question that further? But I think you might be kidding yourself a bit to imagine that your connection with this man is a) unique, something that neither of you could find with another person (if lack of responsibility to each other is a key component of your rapport, you could slot anyone into his shoes. Of course I'm sure he has more in common with you than that, but I'll bet there are plenty of other men who have as much, if not more, in common with you as this man does), b) something that is worth hurting another person for. You are, as you know, hurting his wife. Even if their marriage is doomed because at the end of the day he's an immature ass who can't handle being married, you are hurting her by participating in his infidelity. I'm not stating this obvious fact to berate you, but to simply ask: is the rapport between you two, which is very likely in no small part a function of circumstance and not the specific people each of you are, worth behaving so unethically? Is it worth knowing you're hurting another woman? From the outside I'd have to say that it seems like it can't be. But ultimately that's for you to decide.

 

Remember: if what is between the two of you were truly unique and important, he would have left his wife. As strong and as real as your feelings may be, I don't think they justify what you're doing. That is just my opinion.

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A relationship, in order to be real, true, gratifying or satisfactory, need not involve marriage, living together or even monogamy. Loving relationships come in many colors--not just bridal white or domestic browns. We human are wired to love, connect and form attachments. The Marriage Industry touts marriage as the only true, real and mature relationship between adults. That's baloney--propaganda from the Dr. Phils of this planet and the Bridal-Industrial complex.

 

People can , and do, form substantial, intense, enduring and quite satisfactory relationships under a multitude of conditions and arrangements: closed marriage, open marriage, serial monogamy, extra-marital affairs, etc. The outrageous diversity of human bonding is mind boggling. People must realize that a relationship, outside the dominant marital paradigm, can be satisfying, if not exhilarating. And, just as importantly, these heterodox associations are just as valid, meaningful and real as marriages certified by Church and State.

 

There's nothing wrong with you. Right now, you're in that comfort/pleasure zone of your relationship. Your MM and you are both getting what you want and need. That, more than anything, explains your obvious contentment.

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Thisismyview... I give you a big pat on the back. It's not often you see someone (on this site anyway) who is willing and wanting to look within.

 

The thing is though we do not live in a haphazard world. You need only look at the cycles of the moon, the seasons, day and night to see there is complete order. There are laws working in this universe (such as cause and effect) that are very exact. What you put out, really is what you get back.

 

With that thought in mind, our primary relationship is with ourselves, it's the single most important relationship we'll ever have because no matter where you go or what you do, there you are.... until the day you die. What most people don't really get is that relationship acts as a blueprint for all other unions... it sets the quality and tone for how we relate to others and how they relate to us and establishes the workings of how we give and receive love. The relationships we create and shape every single day mirror back to us what we are holding in our own consciousness.

 

Unfortunately, people give very, very little thought to how they live their lives, how they think, why they react to things as they do, why they do what they do and get what they've always gotten. They don't ask themselves the right questions and thus give their power away continously. They choose instead to live unconsciously believing that people or circumstances (external factors) are creating their lives... they blame, point the finger and victimise themselves, perpetually. And miss the one thing they can change, themselves. The turning point however comes when we accept that we are responsible for everything that is happening in our lives. It is difficult to look within and take that responsibility because it can be damn scary, but self knowledge is the only thing that gives us true freedom of choice and thus personal power. Once you start that journey within, once you wake up, even if you wanted to, you can't go back to sleep again.

 

So, because we are all just energy and thus draw to us and are drawn to people who match and reflect our own conscious or unconscious energy (hence the term 'vibe'... I liked/disliked his/her 'vibe'), you have drawn to you and are attracted to someone that is emotionally unavailable because there is something within you that is emotionally unavailable, to yourself. Your own inner reflections are accurate.... you fear commitment, you fear being hurt again, you do not feel empowered within to be able to handle true intimacy, you fear taking that risk again.

 

You are where you need to be, so don't be too hard on yourself. It's not a healthy place, but if and when you are ready to face and heal your own stuff, you simply wont be attracted to this man any longer (his energy)... what he has to offer wont be enough, and you'll naturally move on because you'll want more for yourself. For now, it reflects your own inner processes. You're relationship is one of an agreement being made (as opposed to true intimacy), you've agreed to share the same emotional walls, and relate within those boundaries, because it's safe.

 

From what I understand, people are prone to choosing unavailable partners because:

 

They were abandoned by a parent as a child. Just a repitition in adulthood of what they knew in childhood, they find a partner (or many repetitavely over the course of their life) who can't be there for them either.

 

They have low self esteem. Dysfunction in childhood creates feelings of unworthiness and undeservedness in having a partner all to themselves, so they take whatver scraps and leftovers the unavailable person has to offer from their primary 'relationship'.

 

Fear of intimacy. They might have been sexually or physically abused as a child (boundaries violated) which leads to a decision at an early age not to let anyone get close enough to hurt again, hence it's safe to find someone who can't truly commit as a way of protecting from pain.

 

Hope this helps somewhat in your exploration. If you want to PM me, feel free.

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Thank you all once again, for the understanding and detailed responses. Your replies really are helping me to put my thoughts together.

 

All your advice on looking at the real picture objectively is exactly the same advice I would give to someone else! A classic case of physician heal thyself!!!

 

I am someone who has always looked within, I have read more self help books than you can shake a stick at!!...I ve read every theory on how relationships work, about differences between men and women, about understanding how my childhood affected me as an adult etc etc etc and believe it or not I have come a very long way over the past 6- 7 years.

 

Today, I am a little sad because I am coming to the conclusion that although I will have to go back to being "alone" .......... I will have to tell him that we have to finish this.

 

Until recently I did have some thoughts around wanting the opportunity to see if we could make a go of it, see if this "bond" is strong enough to get us through what would inevitably be a traumatic and devastating experience for everyone concerned if he were to leave his wife. And then to move on in life together in a full relationship working through all the usual ups and downs .

 

But, that was never surrounded by a desperate , pathetic longing, wishing or aching to be with him, if that makes sense, just a natural need to take things to the next stage.

 

BUT, when I overlay those thoughts now onto the real situation, the risk just doesn't seem to be worth taking. I realise I only know half of him, the fact that I totally love the whole of the half that I know of him is beside the point! There are alot of unknown risks relating to the other half of him.

 

I do want to be in a relationship,...I will deal with the committment phobia if that is really something that exists within me, when I meet the right one who is free to be with me.

 

I'm sad, because I know I will miss him, in the same way that I would miss anyone who I was seeing if it ended when I still loved them. Like the situation when you get dumped! Will just really miss having that person around.

 

But the alternative of carrying on seeing eachother cannot and is not the right thing to do.

 

As I said before, I will not regret a single moment. I would come across as quite mad if I tried to write down all the ways that this relationship has helped me. It has healed a number of past hurts and has been exhilarating!

 

When we ended it earlier in the year and didnt have any contact for three months, I got through the missing him by telling myself that if it was meant to be, it will happen, and that I could not rush that, it would happen in it's own time if it was right that it should. If it is not meant to be then something else will come into my life to take its place.

 

This is what I feel I must do again now. I have to make this decision for myself, and he must make his own decisions about his marriage.

 

At this time I feel strong and resolved to do this, he is coming here tomorrow ..........I hope I will be able to report back that I went through with it!

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InThisSkinAgain

As someone who has been unfaithful to my marriage, I can tell you something about him that you likely know. HE owns this affair, it is HIS marriage and HIS infidelity, and infidelity is a matter of ethics. Ethics are all about what you'll do when you think you can get away with it.

 

I say this because breaking up just sets the stage for making up again when you feel as vulnerable as you MIGHT feel if you break it off with him. Plus, who knows how much more he might want you once he thinks he's losing you for good. Maybe he will want to take it to the next level.

 

Keep in mind, if he did it with you he will do it to you.

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thisismyview; yours is a very honest and heartfelt story. you will do what is best for you to either accept this, or make a change. actually, I can understand how you could end up in a relationship like this. it sounds like you get along better than most married couples. you don't mention his wife in your post, does she know about you? it really seems like you have a nice relationship with this man, but you have to do what is good for you. good luck, keep us posted.

and, you write beautifully

 

immoralist, very thought provoking

 

orchid, your thoughts were right on

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Originally posted by thisismyview

 

This is what I feel I must do again now. I have to make this decision for myself, and he must make his own decisions about his marriage.

 

At this time I feel strong and resolved to do this, he is coming here tomorrow ..........I hope I will be able to report back that I went through with it!

 

Jeez, the anticipation is killing me!! Tell us what happened!

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I couldn't do it! ....There I said it!...

 

.........I've been sitting here at the PC for the past 5 minutes trying to decide what to write! How incredible that I feel so guilty coming back here and admitting that I didn't go through with it!

 

I opened the door to him at 7.45 am when he was due to be here at 8 am...(.this is Sunday morning!!!!!) and I just knew I couldn't!

 

I'm sure you know the old film Airplane....well, I AM in the process of stopping smoking at the moment and that line...." I picked the wrong week to give up smoking!" keeps coming back to me! But that I picked the wrong week to give HIM up!

 

We both left at around 7.00pm as I had to collect my son and when I got back, I found a note under my pillow....

 

"To my Darling _____

The most fittest babe this side of the universe. Thanks for a really special & wonderful day, can't wait to see you again soon.

I'm very proud of you for not smoking today. I love you even more for being so positive about it, Keep it up Babe. Love you for ever and ever..xxxxxx"

 

It's not that this one note sends me into a tail spin........it's just .....well ......for goodness sake! what's a girl supposed to do!!!!!!

 

It's not entirely true that I didn't make a start on saying we should end it.....we spoke on the phone this evening and we got onto how long we had been seeing eachother and the 3 month split came up...... I said,. "maybe we are due to split again" and he said..... "Don't say that" and then quietly ..."please don't say that...."... so I didn't!!

 

I'm sorry, but all the objectivity in the world, all the ethics, all the morality, all the " do what is right by others" , all the "this isn't reality", all the "he only wants one thing from you."... just cannot outweigh the pure joy this relationship brings me!

 

Damn it!!!! I would die for a cigarette right now!!!

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  • 2 weeks later...

You have me in your corner....I truly understand why you can't break it off.

Your MM sound just like mine .... wonderful, romantic, supportive, caring and the list goes on.... Our first fight ever and with the NC a few months ago, only shows

that we cannot go on without each other in our lives. I can't break away from this relationship...that's why I've decided to stay for as long as forever, if he still can do it... and I still can travel too. Mine is a LDR for many years. Living together the first six years til his company transferred out from my city. It was like a "death" back then but we decided to never lose contact and talk 3x day... we know what each of us are doing in our lives and there is no other way but to keep the bond and emotional feelings constantly being fed by each other.

 

Maybe there will be a time when it ends...but I don't think it will be me who does it. And from just this past first ever NC...I know I wll just die inside and the pain will last forever....So I'm living today, tomorrow, and everyday with "HIM" in my life and I in HIS. I would never comment negative to your not being able to end your affair.....I look at you as I look into myself and feel your anguish....Right or Wrong we are the OW who happen to love and not leave our MM.

 

I hope you find my post helpful and I will keep on this thread in the long hall.

My holiday is without my MM, but that doesn't mean I'm alone...he's with me always and I know I am with him.....W or no W....

Take Care,

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  • 1 month later...

What a difference a month makes!

 

His marriage is now over, they are now going through the details and sorting out what needs to be sorted out.

 

And we are still together and will now get the chance to really see what this relationship is made of.

 

He's not moving in with me, (not just yet anyway!) I'm not shouting it out from the rooftops to my friends and family just yet.. ( just in case) ..and I don't consider that I have won any kind of victory ,....all I know is, this feeling of finally being able to be with him openly as an item, no secrets, no creeping around...and pretty much being able to see each other when its convenient to both of us and not just when he can get away.... is just fantastic.!..

 

I truly don't know what will happen, when it comes down to it, will I run away from the commitment? will it just fall apart anyway? will the reality of a full relationship shatter any illusions I have about him?........the thing is, now that he is free to be with me.... we can go through this just like any other couple does... it might not work.. but then again........ it could! and if it does and is anything like the way it has been it's gonna be amazing!

 

Please excuse this next bit and please try to understand that I am not gloating.. but I have to scream........ YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

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