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death in MM's family


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Old 24th September 2014, 10:29 PM   #31
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I'll have to respectfully disagree. I'm not saying ALWAYS be the safe place to fall no matter what s/he does. I'm saying in some situations, I believe that reaching out is the right thing to do unless you're NC by their request or because you are trying to end it. This is a serious loss of someone close to him. I don't think it is EVER wrong to comfort someone that you love that has suffered such a close loss, whether you get a response back from them or not. The hope is to be somewhat of a comfort in a rough situation.

That's just me and how I handle things, though.
I wasn't disagreeing about her comforting him or saying that was wrong.

The aspect I was talking about was that "being there" as a soft landing and how in this case the confusing part for her is, unlike in a typical situation, she kind of has no idea how to be there, as she is not at all involved in what's going on and hasn't heard a peep from him. So she has to sit back wondering, guessing and worrying and has no clue when he'll ever get in touch. Did you read her posts about preparing herself for the worse because she feels this means he will invest in his family now? In such a situation, her specific situation, I don't think she should just be there waiting for him as a soft place...but they probably need to have a talk, if he ever reaches back out, about where to go from here as being in a relationship where every time a big event occurs or anything traumatic you are shut out is emotionally hurtful. Worse part is it's not like she thinks he is just sitting alone in a room but she is well aware that he is with his family and wife, and they are the ones "being there" while she is on the outside, hoping to support him but isn't even being acknowledged. So is sending a text to a man who didn't even think to share this with you (remember MM hasn't told her this) really considered "being there", is he really probably gonna gain that much from it, given that he himself doesn't seem concerned with telling her a thing? I dunno...

Even in my own A, NO WAY anything like this would have happened and I'd have heard it elsewhere or he would shut me out. I obviously wouldn't be able to be there in the same way his family is, but damn, at least he would send me a message letting me know what was happening.

I dunno, for me, I would feel so alienated and bad about my relationship if in a time like this I have to be iffing and butting about supporting the person I love mainly because THEY have shut me out and I also now have to wonder if they will ever reach out again or what. It's not a good position to be in. Just thinking about it makes me anxious.

Last edited by MissBee; 24th September 2014 at 10:39 PM..
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Old 24th September 2014, 10:45 PM   #32
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She reached out once and he never responded. It buried in there some place in this thread. He did not respond. I say leave him be.
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Old 25th September 2014, 12:56 AM   #33
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Okay, I was just pointing out you were doing the same thing you were telling her not to do.

You are assuming he isn't thinking of her. That isn't known unless he has said that to you. He may not be, he may. It really doesn't matter. I wouldn't extrapolate assumptions or conclusions that aren't known. Just like the OP shouldn't do that.
Go back and read her other threads. This MM, her so called friend of 10 years she's been having an affair with for almost a year, has treated her horribly at times. He seems passive aggressive too.

He may or may not be thinking of her, only he knows. If I were in her shoes, I wouldn't be worrying and wondering if I'm on his mind, sorry that's selfish thinking as right now it isn't about her, it's about him losing his father and coping with the grief and getting through the funeral and next bunch of weeks/months.

Their A is rocky at the best of times. She said they had a fight and the A (she thought anyway) was over.
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Old 25th September 2014, 5:33 AM   #34
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Go back and read her other threads. This MM, her so called friend of 10 years she's been having an affair with for almost a year, has treated her horribly at times. He seems passive aggressive too.

He may or may not be thinking of her, only he knows. If I were in her shoes, I wouldn't be worrying and wondering if I'm on his mind, sorry that's selfish thinking as right now it isn't about her, it's about him losing his father and coping with the grief and getting through the funeral and next bunch of weeks/months.

Their A is rocky at the best of times. She said they had a fight and the A (she thought anyway) was over.
As I've said, the last time I spoke to him, the A was still on. And I agree, it has been rocky, mostly due to me trying to figure it out and adjust. It seems to be less rocky when he's in control of everything.

I know I'm the furthest thing from his mind right now but I can't help but think that maybe he feels his sin angered god and took his dad and now he wants to get better at not sinning. Is god vengeful like that? It was an accident, nothing he did in his entire life caused his dad to die. And why wasn't he thinking of god during our sin...

And because I've known him for 10 years and I've met some of his family and he always talked about me to them, I'm torn if I'm allowed to be at the celebration of life service or if he wants me to stay away. People keep asking me how he is because they know we are friends but I can't answer them because I don't know, he's not talking to me. I want to show my support and I can't and it's frustrating. If I text to ask, he's not going to respond. If I show up and he didn't want me there, is he going to blow up...

I'm continuing to keep quiet so as not to bother him. I reached out and now the ball is in his court. There might be an opportunity for me to run into him on Monday but I'm going to let it happen on it's own. If he seeks me out instead, that's good and if not, that's okay too, I'll understand. That will reinforce that I need to continue to grieve the loss of him and heal.
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Old 25th September 2014, 11:43 AM   #35
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As I've said, the last time I spoke to him, the A was still on.
How is your A still on if you feel this is going to happen?
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I want to show my support and I can't and it's frustrating. If I text to ask, he's not going to respond. If I show up and he didn't want me there, is he going to blow up...
Walking on egg shells, not sure at all where you stand must be very unsettling.
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It seems to be less rocky when he's in control of everything.
So if you rock the boat, things are rocky. If you allow him to be in control, all is good.

Do you see just how unhealthy this is?

Anyway, you sent the text, he knows you know about his dad. He hasn't replied. Sadly that says A LOT. Disrespectful to not even let you know if he is okay or to say thanks for thinking of me...
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If he seeks me out instead, that's good and if not, that's okay too, I'll understand. That will reinforce that I need to continue to grieve the loss of him and heal.
Seems you don't know if your A is on or off.
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Old 25th September 2014, 8:26 PM   #36
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Update

My MM surprised me. He actually came to my house unexpectedly on his way to church to let me know he wasn't ignoring me and I got all my questions answered and he kept apologizing to me. He looked so tired and his voice was rough. He just wanted to close his eyes and get some peace and quiet for a little bit while I held his hand. We are still on and he said I could go to the service but he said I might not want to because he knows I'm going to get upset if I see him upset and then people will wonder why I'm too upset...
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Old 2nd October 2014, 10:31 PM   #37
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I went to the memorial which was more like a family get together with food and a slide show but no one was really saying anything about his dad. That was disappointing. I've always loved hearing about his dad's adventures, I would have liked to have heard more from his family.

The funeral and burial is where I know my MM will be the most upset but I can't go because of work. Anyway, I saw a lot of familiar faces but they don't know me and then I felt a little paranoid when his male relatives would look at me and I'm like do they know, why are they looking at me, are they going to ask him who I am?

While he was making his rounds to everybody, he hugged me a couple times, said he loved me when I was leaving; he's never said it before so I'm assuming love as in friendship/family love.

On the way out, his W and her sister were talking and said he's been having a rough time dealing with everything and then somehow someone mentioned her sister's ex husband was very aggravating, to which his W agreed that my MM is very aggravating too. She introduced me to her sister, then she hugged me and said it was good to see me and that I looked pretty. Imagine that...
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Old 3rd October 2014, 7:58 AM   #38
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I went to the memorial which was more like a family get together with food and a slide show but no one was really saying anything about his dad. That was disappointing. I've always loved hearing about his dad's adventures, I would have liked to have heard more from his family.

The funeral and burial is where I know my MM will be the most upset but I can't go because of work. Anyway, I saw a lot of familiar faces but they don't know me and then I felt a little paranoid when his male relatives would look at me and I'm like do they know, why are they looking at me, are they going to ask him who I am?

While he was making his rounds to everybody, he hugged me a couple times, said he loved me when I was leaving; he's never said it before so I'm assuming love as in friendship/family love.

On the way out, his W and her sister were talking and said he's been having a rough time dealing with everything and then somehow someone mentioned her sister's ex husband was very aggravating, to which his W agreed that my MM is very aggravating too. She introduced me to her sister, then she hugged me and said it was good to see me and that I looked pretty. Imagine that...
Scarlet, this is your decision to make but you are really dancing very close to the fire. I don't know your story on how well you know everyone but I would have probably bowed out of this level of involvement.

How are things today with you?
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Old 3rd October 2014, 9:20 AM   #39
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On the way out, his W and her sister were talking and said he's been having a rough time dealing with everything and then somehow someone mentioned her sister's ex husband was very aggravating, to which his W agreed that my MM is very aggravating too. She introduced me to her sister, then she hugged me and said it was good to see me and that I looked pretty. Imagine that...


This is unfortunate- when the BS finds out about the A it is moments like this that will shatter her-moments like this that will make you appear heartless to those in your circle-

Step back for a minute and ask yourself what you would think about someone that did this-is this you, do you see yourself as someone who is capable of something so cruel and thoughtless- more important- is this who you want to be-

I think if you take a minute to see what this relationship does to you, you would think again about being part of it. Please, do what you can to ensure that you are protecting your integrity, your true self- eventually you will need to face up to these types of things and you need to be prepared-
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Old 3rd October 2014, 3:50 PM   #40
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SMH, I can't believe you went to the funeral and the memorial and had the balls to hug his wife. It is unnecessarily vicious. My ExH and I have been split for over 4 years and I can still replay every time his OW pretended to be my friend. Every time I do that, it hurts. Once this gets out, and it will since you two are in each others pockets and the son knows, she will never be able to think about her father-in-law's passing without dealing with your memory.

Im not throwing stones at you because you are an OW, I am currently dating a MM. But I will say your actions were cruel and unfeeling.

I'm willing to admit this is a sore point for me.

Last edited by eye of the storm; 3rd October 2014 at 3:55 PM..
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Old 3rd October 2014, 5:17 PM   #41
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I went to the memorial which was more like a family get together with food and a slide show but no one was really saying anything about his dad. That was disappointing. I've always loved hearing about his dad's adventures, I would have liked to have heard more from his family.
That's what the funeral will be for. Seems the memorial was low key.

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The funeral and burial is where I know my MM will be the most upset but I can't go because of work.
Good. I don't mean that meanly but honestly, I really don't understand why you went to the memorial. That was totally inappropriate seeing as you don't know his father, you're not a friend to the family, and also, hugging MM's wife? Were you at least uncomfortable and feeling awkward or did you feel at ease? IF a time comes she finds out about the affair, that hug and you showing up to their family gathering/mem. service for her father in law, she is going to remember you and feel like you and MM made total fools of her.
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Old 4th October 2014, 10:39 AM   #42
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I wasn't going to go but a woman I knew was going and it would raise flags as to why I didn't go, on the outside everyone knows he and I are friends, so she and I went together. I told my MM the situation and he was okay with it.

The woman I went with hadn't seen his wife in years so she was constantly looking for her because she wanted to say hello. His wife was never around my MM at the memorial, didn't eat next to him, didn't stand next to him, never once walked up to check up on him the whole time I was there. When we would see her, she'd end up disappearing before the woman I was with could serpentine through the people to get to her.

She finally saw her on the way out. His wife reached out to hugged me first. I was fine with just a smile greeting. Was I supposed to say don't hug me? No, you just go with it.

I've met his father a few times. I've also been to a family gathering before too, although it was before it became a PA.

I didn't feel awkward at all because I believe in polygamy and also based on the things I've seen and heard, she's sad and unhappy but refuses to leave him because of the stigma due to her highly religious background. She puts him down, hates that he's overweight, calls him aggravating, throws it in his face that she makes more money than him, doesn't want to do anything with him. He's no saint either, I know he probably yells at her like he did to me the day we fought. But my point is, I would feel terrible if she actually loved and admired him more than I do, but she doesn't show that she does, therefore I do not feel as bad about it as I could.

Anyway, the current plan of action is to just leave him alone. I love him, I want to be with him, but he's not leaving and while he's grieving the loss of his dad, I'll be grieving the loss of him and probably our friendship too. If I change my mind, which I probably will because flip flopping is common, I will be putting my foot down on the things I will no longer tolerate, such as lack of calls and text. It's really not worth it if it's one sided and you're not getting your needs met and I will tell him as such if and when he approaches me again.

I keep reading how the OW causes the destruction of a family but I have a feeling the lack of the OW will still cause the destruction anyway. The bandaid and glue are gone, the cracks will continue to form.
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Old 12th October 2014, 9:01 PM   #43
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I'm worried about him and I'm anxious. It's been about ten days since I last saw him and I've been giving him his space but I caved and called him the other day because I needed to know how he's doing. He sounded very drained and numb. I didn't bring us up at all, I just wanted to know about him, but he still said we are still on, it's just going to take time and there's still a lot of stuff that has to get done, but he didn't elaborate on what stuff he was referring to and I didn't ask. I wanted to but if he wanted me to know he would have gone into detail on his own.

Apparently he's being irritable to his W, their pastor posted about it because he thinks it's funny but my MM doesn't think it's funny at all. And he's acting impulsive. Today he checked into church and six hours later he posted that he's with his W a thousand miles away in another state. He doesn't have any vacation or sick days left at work and he didn't mention anything about going anywhere when I talked to him and there are no relatives where they went. Even if he didn't want to tell me, he would still post about looking forward to going to such and such and he didn't this time so I feel it was an impulse. Is that good or bad during grief?

I feel so helpless that I can't do anything and a little hurt that he's not reaching out to me but on the other hand maybe it's a blessing in disguise. Just like his previous behavior has in a way prepared me for this absence.

I would like to hear from others about what happened if your MM was experiencing grief...
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Old 13th October 2014, 1:39 AM   #44
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Apparently he's being irritable to his W, their pastor posted about it because he thinks it's funny but my MM doesn't think it's funny at all
That pastor should be strung up and fired from the church. That's disgusting behaviour by someone who is heavily involved with the church. Enough said!
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Today he checked into church and six hours later he posted that he's with his W a thousand miles away in another state. He doesn't have any vacation or sick days left at work and he didn't mention anything about going anywhere when I talked to him and there are no relatives where they went. Even if he didn't want to tell me, he would still post about looking forward to going to such and such and he didn't this time so I feel it was an impulse. Is that good or bad during grief?
This is wife's grief as it was her father that died, not his father. He is taking care of her. He took 'family time' from work, which is allowed when there is a death in the family.

He needs space, so continue to give it to him. He can't be there for you or be heavily involved in the affair right now. Sadly you have to accept things as they are or think about walking away. This doesn't sound like a man in the midst of divorcing his wife at all. I think he's telling you certain things you want to hear but really has no intention of changing anything.
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Old 13th October 2014, 3:41 AM   #45
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This is wife's grief as it was her father that died, not his father. He is taking care of her. He took 'family time' from work, which is allowed when there is a death in the family.
No, it was his father that died, not hers. His wife hasn't lost any parent yet whereas I've already lost both of mine and this is the first for him. She called him moody and he's getting annoyed by her.

His workplace only gives one bereavement day. He had a week of sick time that he already used earlier in the year because she seems to get sick every January and he always uses up those days because of her and he's already used his three weeks of vacation time for the two trips he went on this year. He's already been out for two weeks for the death, with no pay because he's out of paid time off and finally returned to work a full week but now he took off impulsively. His own daughter didn't even know they were going, it was that impulsive.

I know he's heartbroken and lost but is escapism helpful or destructive? Maybe it was just a day trip and he'll be back to work tomorrow but who spends money on plane tickets for just a day trip, it's odd behavior and I'm worried...
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