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My MM's dad died this morning. It was sudden because they had just gone on vacation together last week. He hasn't told me yet but I found out through his son. I don't know what to do because after all, I am the outsider. Do I send a condolence text or call or just wait until he tells me himself or just stay out of it?

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Redheaded Mistress

If it were me, and it was safe to do so, I'd send a text or use whatever channel you use for safe communication to express your condolences.

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I'd either wait for him to tell you or stay out if it.

 

Wasn't your last communication with him a fight? Had you two ever resolved the issue (which was you wanting more and not backing off, right)? I'd stay out of it. This is his grief and if he wants you to know, he will tell you.

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My MM's dad died this morning. It was sudden because they had just gone on vacation together last week. He hasn't told me yet but I found out through his son. I don't know what to do because after all, I am the outsider. Do I send a condolence text or call or just wait until he tells me himself or just stay out of it?

 

 

It is correct when you admit to being the outsider. This means that you may want to be careful with what is said. He has not even told you as of yet and this may cause him to be upset. What was the purpose of his son telling you may I ask? That just seems sort of odd to me.

 

 

You seem to want a relationship with someone. Why put all of your effort into a person not even fully available? I am really not trying to be terrible here. I know it is not possible to choose who we love. Just seems that you deserve someone who can give all of himself back. In a happy and healthy way. One in which you get the full attention of a partner instead of being treated only as an aside.

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My MM's dad died this morning. It was sudden because they had just gone on vacation together last week. He hasn't told me yet but I found out through his son. I don't know what to do because after all, I am the outsider. Do I send a condolence text or call or just wait until he tells me himself or just stay out of it?

 

Did his son call and tell you?

 

Wait until MM tells you about this. He probably now is dealing with funeral arrangements etc, and involved in family stuff. Stay out of it, meaning, don't go to the funeral, it'll be awkward and inappropriate.

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I think if he hasnt reached out to you then it's a private matter and he is not seeking a shoulder from you. He is leaning on family and needs space to grieve, the loss of a parent can cause you to take stock in your life and look at big picture.

I would stay out. If he needed you he will call.

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I'd either wait for him to tell you or stay out if it.

 

Wasn't your last communication with him a fight? Had you two ever resolved the issue (which was you wanting more and not backing off, right)? I'd stay out of it. This is his grief and if he wants you to know, he will tell you.

 

The issue was resolved. We even talked on the phone a few days ago and it was like it used to be, two friends talking. It was nice.

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It is correct when you admit to being the outsider. This means that you may want to be careful with what is said. He has not even told you as of yet and this may cause him to be upset. What was the purpose of his son telling you may I ask? That just seems sort of odd to me.

 

 

You seem to want a relationship with someone. Why put all of your effort into a person not even fully available? I am really not trying to be terrible here. I know it is not possible to choose who we love. Just seems that you deserve someone who can give all of himself back. In a happy and healthy way. One in which you get the full attention of a partner instead of being treated only as an aside.

 

I'm aware there are plenty of men out there that I haven't even met yet, but the ones that I have met so far are not ones I would want a relationship with. I don't know why I want his crumbs. It's not that I'm lonely or that I can't be alone because if that were the case, I would settle for any guy that shows interest to have the full time relationship but they'd just be a placeholder or a Mr. Right Now, and I can't do that to them or to myself. But maybe I'm contradicting myself because maybe the crumbs are a placeholder...

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Did his son call and tell you?

 

Wait until MM tells you about this. He probably now is dealing with funeral arrangements etc, and involved in family stuff. Stay out of it, meaning, don't go to the funeral, it'll be awkward and inappropriate.

 

That's a whole other story. Short version: his son friend requested me on facebook a few months ago, he reports to his dad what I post which is why he gets snippy sometimes because he sees me living my life without him. His son told me otherwise I wouldn't have known right away.

 

I don't take it personal that he didn't reach out to me. Based on his history of not telling me what's going on, this is normal. He doesn't want to be a burden and he knows I can't do anything so he keeps me out of it. I'm sure he didn't call every person that he goes to church with either. I'm not family. I'm his other life. I just wasn't sure how to express my concern without overstepping my boundary.

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Redheaded Mistress
The issue was resolved. We even talked on the phone a few days ago and it was like it used to be, two friends talking. It was nice.

 

If that's the dynamic you have, I think a condolence text is appropriate.

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I think if he hasnt reached out to you then it's a private matter and he is not seeking a shoulder from you. He is leaning on family and needs space to grieve, the loss of a parent can cause you to take stock in your life and look at big picture.

I would stay out. If he needed you he will call.

 

I have been thinking about this especially when for a while now he has said he feels like we've been getting blocked every time he tries to see me and now the death of his father might be what changes his life. As in, staying away from me and sin, focusing back on his wife and family. Which is fine, at least he will be finally making a decision and will be at peace and not a candle burning at both ends.

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Redheaded Mistress
I have been thinking about this especially when for a while now he has said he feels like we've been getting blocked every time he tries to see me and now the death of his father might be what changes his life. As in, staying away from me and sin, focusing back on his wife and family. Which is fine, at least he will be finally making a decision and will be at peace and not a candle burning at both ends.

 

On the other side, it could make him think about life being short, living a happy, fulfilled life, fearing living a life of regret, etc etc.

 

Don't second guess what it could all mean, you may be surprised.

 

When I was in my affair, I thought a particular life event that was coming would mark the end of us, make him want to invest back in with his wife, try to make it work for the kids and so on. When the event occurred, I stepped back and already went through the grieving process of a relationship ending and thought the longer-than-usual break in communication was a sign of the coming break/NC... But he stunned me by saying he couldn't call because he was busy and surrounded by family, he was waiting for me to contact him and he thought I was having the revelation I thought he was having, and the event made him realize that he wanted out with his wife and was invested in our relationship.

 

You just never know.

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I have been thinking about this especially when for a while now he has said he feels like we've been getting blocked every time he tries to see me and now the death of his father might be what changes his life. As in, staying away from me and sin, focusing back on his wife and family. Which is fine, at least he will be finally making a decision and will be at peace and not a candle burning at both ends.

 

 

I just don't see why you need to wait for him. Why not make a decision on your end before he even does on that one? He should be focusing on his wife and family. Unless, he is no longer in that house. You need to focus on your own happiness. Cannot have a chance of moving forward until you actually step aside. Perhaps, it is events like these which prove to be colossal crossroads. Candles are meant to be burned out.

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No, don't communicate with him right now.

 

When he's stressed he's made it perfectly clear that he needs you to stay away and not to bug him.

 

When you hear FROM him - that is the appropriate time to express how you feel about his loss with his Dad.

 

For now just leave it alone.

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It's so hard not being able to reach out and know how he's doing while he's going through this. I see all the comments everyone is posting for him, supporting and encouraging, and I'm the one who has to keep quiet and give him space. I did send a sympathy text though, I had to, but no reply from him as per normal and yes I've kept quiet since.

 

I guess I get a little worried about how he's going to interpret my silence and hopefully he appreciates that I'm respecting him. I don't want our next fight to be about "my dad died and you didn't attempt to call or comfort me like everyone else".

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Redheaded Mistress
It's so hard not being able to reach out and know how he's doing while he's going through this. I see all the comments everyone is posting for him, supporting and encouraging, and I'm the one who has to keep quiet and give him space. I did send a sympathy text though, I had to, but no reply from him as per normal and yes I've kept quiet since.

 

I guess I get a little worried about how he's going to interpret my silence and hopefully he appreciates that I'm respecting him. I don't want our next fight to be about "my dad died and you didn't attempt to call or comfort me like everyone else".

 

You sent your text and he didn't reply. You say this is typical of him... In past situations, would you text despite the silence or did you just let it be until you reconnected?

 

I'd continue with the status quo of what your relationship has been thus far. If previously you'd text and he'd not reply, and you'd lay low, then do that. If you'd text occasionally despite no response, continue to do so and continue to be sympathetic. Unless he's given you a reason to suspect the relationship is over, continue to operate as your dynamic dictates.

 

It could be a number of factors keeping him quiet, not the least of which would be a lack of opportunity to reach out to you. Don't panic just yet.

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It's so hard not being able to reach out and know how he's doing while he's going through this. I see all the comments everyone is posting for him, supporting and encouraging, and I'm the one who has to keep quiet and give him space. I did send a sympathy text though, I had to, but no reply from him as per normal and yes I've kept quiet since.

 

I guess I get a little worried about how he's going to interpret my silence and hopefully he appreciates that I'm respecting him. I don't want our next fight to be about "my dad died and you didn't attempt to call or comfort me like everyone else".

 

You sent a sympathy text. Why would he be worried how he's gonna interpret your silence? He didn't text you back to say thanks or anything.

 

Honestly, right now I highly doubt you're in his mind. He is dealing with the death of his father, the last thing he's worrying about is you. Sorry to be blunt but please try change your way of thinking. And don't anticipate what he may or may not say, why even go there.

 

HE is married, he has a wife so I doubt he'll be saying the bolded.

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gettingstronger

You did open the door by texting him and he did not respond-if he comes around later and tries to make you feel badly, remember you did try-

 

I applaud your efforts to stay out of it- I am sure its difficult, but you are doing the right thing-

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You sent a sympathy text. Why would he be worried how he's gonna interpret your silence? He didn't text you back to say thanks or anything.

 

Honestly, right now I highly doubt you're in his mind. He is dealing with the death of his father, the last thing he's worrying about is you. Sorry to be blunt but please try change your way of thinking. And don't anticipate what he may or may not say, why even go there.

 

HE is married, he has a wife so I doubt he'll be saying the bolded.

 

Isn't this anticipating what he may or may not be thinking?

 

OP - don't assume things in either direction. You opened the door and sent a text, that is fine, the door is open for him to respond. If he were to come back upset I would bring up that you did reach out and was waiting to hear from him; the ball was in his court.

 

If you want to talk to him, give him a call or whatever means you two usually communicate. He is probably just busy.

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Isn't this anticipating what he may or may not be thinking?

 

OP - don't assume things in either direction. You opened the door and sent a text, that is fine, the door is open for him to respond. If he were to come back upset I would bring up that you did reach out and was waiting to hear from him; the ball was in his court.

 

If you want to talk to him, give him a call or whatever means you two usually communicate. He is probably just busy.

 

Yes it is and we all do that on this site, give our 2 cents. Of course it's not fact. I could be wrong.

 

He hasn't reached out to her at all, he wasn't the one who even told her about the death of his father. She texted and he hasn't even replied to her so I am going on that information. Plus, they recently had a fight, ending their affair.

 

Yes he is busy and grieving the loss of his father.

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Redheaded Mistress
Yes it is and we all do that on this site, give our 2 cents. Of course it's not fact. I could be wrong.

 

He hasn't reached out to her at all, he wasn't the one who even told her about the death of his father. She texted and he hasn't even replied to her so I am going on that information. Plus, they recently had a fight, ending their affair.

 

Yes he is busy and grieving the loss of his father.

 

It's hard to tell. She also said not replying to texts is his MO. She knows best so I think sending the sympathy text was appropriate. I wouldn't interpret his silence as anything, especially since this is normal for them.

 

If it's a few weeks from now and still nothing, then maybe something might be up.

 

Every situation and affair is different. If it had been my MM's family that had a death, he'd want a text. He'd reach out as soon as he could to include me in the grieving process. But if it had been me and a death in my family, I may not have reached out right away for the simple fact that my family really collects after a death. Private time would be few and far between for several weeks. I'd want a text, but I may not get back to him for a few hours or a few days. It just all depends.

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Yes it is and we all do that on this site, give our 2 cents. Of course it's not fact. I could be wrong.

 

He hasn't reached out to her at all, he wasn't the one who even told her about the death of his father. She texted and he hasn't even replied to her so I am going on that information. Plus, they recently had a fight, ending their affair.

 

Yes he is busy and grieving the loss of his father.

 

Okay, I was just pointing out you were doing the same thing you were telling her not to do.

 

You are assuming he isn't thinking of her. That isn't known unless he has said that to you. He may not be, he may. It really doesn't matter. I wouldn't extrapolate assumptions or conclusions that aren't known. Just like the OP shouldn't do that.

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I would send a condolence text. I know my MM tends to retreat within himself when big bad stuff happens so I go out of my way during those times to make sure he knows he's loved and cared about. Even if he doesn't respond, he'll know you care and are thinking of him.

 

Don't let your head get away from you about what might happen. Your head can be your own worst enemy. Just be there for him, don't push for a bit and see what happens. Be his soft place to fall

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