involved w/ older married man--what's the point??!!

[Hungrycollegekid]

I met a man on an internet site...I was not on the site to meet people, but rather to utilize its other features. We just clicked though. After two emails he notified me he was married. I immediately said I was not interested in becoming involved with a married man. We continued speaking, however, on the premise of friends.

 

Naturally, the 'friends' situation didn't last. We planned to meet and did. We agreed beforehand that we would not engage in anything sexual though. Well, that didn't last either. We have met numerous times since and email/text message/chat at least every other day or so. I thought this would just continue as a fun escapade so long as I did not think about what I was doing to his family.

 

About a week ago he and his wife began having a lot of problems. I did not hear from him all week. He said he did not want to email me negative feelings. He then notified me he and his wife finally patched things up but he now wants to continue our relationship. Should I do this? OK, bad question. Rather, is it possible I am simply his midlife crisis (or pre-midlife crisis)? He is 32 and I am 19. I realize it is wrong to break up a family but I don't feel like this is something we hve planned. Not that it matter but he claims (and I have no reason not to believe him) he has never had an affair before, so this is a rarity for both of us.

 

I am now moderately involved with another man but we are set to meet again in the coming weeks. Is it possible to be friends with a married man with whom I use to be involved? I have no illusions of him leaving his wife or breaking up his family, but what's the point of our romance if it can never progress past him lying to his wife to come see me? Is it wise to end it now before anymore emotions flare up? Any ideas or opinions would be very appreacited.

 

Thanks, hungry

[Merin]

I would say that YES it is wise to end it now, before you get attached to him.

 

You've met someone else.. he is available so go and have a good time with him.

[VivianLee]

First of all, I've got to laugh!! I'm sorry, when I saw the title (OLDER MAN), I figured the guy was like 57 (my parent's age) not 5 years YOUNGER than me!! Dang gal, I feel old now!!

 

 

Ummm if you want to help him save his marriage, his vows, his love.....don't talk to him EVER again and pursue the other guy (I'm assuming he's free and ummm....more your age)......

 

My husband had his affair at 33 (with someone a little older than he though) and my counselor told me that men and women are having "mid-life" crisis sometimes at younger ages....

 

Not all affairs are based on mid life crisis but considering your age and the fact that he didn't really seem to have any marriage problems till you became involved.....you may be there just to scratch and itch......let him go so his wife can have 100% of him...it's only fair for her.....you can do better too...

[reservoirdog1]

Dump the married guy. If he'll cheat with you, he'll cheat on you.

 

Besides, do you REALLY want to go through life worrying that there's a betrayed wife out there wanting to kill you?

[Karlise13]

I doubt it.

 

You two crossed the lines of friendship quite some time ago. That's the first obstacle to maintaing a platonic friendship now.

 

I'm not saying it can't be done....but it tends to be difficult 'going backwards', so to speak.

 

I would also suspect one person in this arrangement will have stronger feelings than the other. Could he him....could be you. I don't know. But often in these 'let's just be friends now' situations, one person is secretely hoping the other person will 'see the light' and return to them in a sexual manner.

 

Therefore, there's the element of dishonesty between you two....and often hurt feelings result.

 

The second obstacle is the wife. Are you all three going to pal around together? Could you even look her in the eye? Or is this friendship...like the illicit affair....going to be kept under wraps.

 

Does a real friendship need to be a secret?

 

 

Finally, I don't know if he ever truly saw you as a 'friend'. Wouldn't a true "friend", who is 32 years of age, say to a 19 year old, "Hey listen...go date people your age. Spend time with guys who may actually be able to provide a real relationship for you."

 

He sounds a bit like a user to me.

[bluechocolate]

involved w/ older married man--what's the point??!!

 

Exactly.

 

What is the point?

 

I agree with Karlise13.

 

You crossed the point of friendship & any friendship you now or will have is based entirely on a deception.

[Hungrycollegekid]

I wish it was as easy as forgetting about him. He and I are very close in all respects. As I said, this did not begin as a sexual relationship. Aside from the moral factor (I don't think it wise to get into that conversation on here), I just don't know if it's feasible for he and I to continue that friendship--many have said it is not--is that because we have been intimate? I am friends with ex boyfriends, is that not a similar situation? He does not live close enough to me for he, his wife, and I to 'hang out,' so whenever we see each other it has to be planned extensively. We are both very honest about our feelings and care deeply for and respect each other. As I said, I don't think he'll leave his wife, but perhaps somewhere in the back of my mind I am hoping that. Or maybe in the back of his mind he's hoping I'll give him reason to leave his wife. Who knows. I know 'one's a cheat is always a cheat,' but I just don't think that's the case here. Do I tell the guy I'm seeing now about him? Should he come to visit again any ideas on how to present my feelings clearly w/out looking like a raving lunatic? Maybe what I'm really asking for is how to attempt to translate this sexual realtionship into a purely platonic one. Any ideas?

 

Thanks, hungry

[Merin]

Originally posted by Hungrycollegekid

I wish it was as easy as forgetting about him. He and I are very close in all respects. As I said, this did not begin as a sexual relationship. Aside from the moral factor (I don't think it wise to get into that conversation on here), I just don't know if it's feasible for he and I to continue that friendship--many have said it is not--is that because we have been intimate? I am friends with ex boyfriends, is that not a similar situation? He does not live close enough to me for he, his wife, and I to 'hang out,' so whenever we see each other it has to be planned extensively. We are both very honest about our feelings and care deeply for and respect each other. As I said, I don't think he'll leave his wife, but perhaps somewhere in the back of my mind I am hoping that. Or maybe in the back of his mind he's hoping I'll give him reason to leave his wife. Who knows. I know 'one's a cheat is always a cheat,' but I just don't think that's the case here. Do I tell the guy I'm seeing now about him? Should he come to visit again any ideas on how to present my feelings clearly w/out looking like a raving lunatic? Maybe what I'm really asking for is how to attempt to translate this sexual realtionship into a purely platonic one. Any ideas?

 

Thanks, hungry

 

While it might not be as "easy" as just forgetting him why not ask yourself what the top 5 things are you're looking for in a guy...

 

1)

2)

3)

4)

5)

 

Did MARRIED to someone else OR Emotionally UNAVAILABLE make this list for your "Dream guy"?

 

Nah, didn't make mine either.

 

You already know what you should do.

[guest]

It seems the relationship is based on sex primarily, although you have a friendship also. It's most probably not likely that he will want to continue seeing you if there is no sex.

I would end it and put your focus on the sg you are seeing, hopefully he is ok. Good luck.