need encouragement ending this

[lostgirl46]

This situation is a bit different than normal stories here...there is no affection involved, no promises or future faking, just having trouble ending a physical relationship with a MM.

 

 

I (25) work in a small office with 14-15 people. There's a guy (38) who works here who has EVERYONE wrapped around his finger. He practically runs the company, our boss is super bromanced out with him, guys and gals are basically smitten because he is SO charming and comes off as just the perfect family man. He is a great father to an adorable 2 year old.

 

 

Back in Jan/Feb/March, I was going through a lot. Issues with my parents, my ex, losing a close friend just all snowballed into a deep depression. I drank way too much. After a happy hour out with colleagues he texted me dirty things he wanted to do to me. I was flattered, being pursued by the "office hottie" and was receptive to his come ons. He had never crossed that line before, in the 2 years I'd worked there (here). Everyone has always hated his wife, because she's a complete bitch to everyone, not just the women. I found out he's a sadist...I was feeling particularly masochistic (and self-loathing) at the time and felt like I could be open to some sort of hot, no-strings-attached fun.

 

 

It was fun, at first. Anything new is fun. We just so happened to be the only people left in the office each Friday afternoon, so I'd have a couple beers during lunch and drink a little more when I got back to the office and then we'd ****. Mostly anal sex. Always unprotected. He was super rough and it felt so good, in that state of mind. It was always very no-emotions-involved. He'd cum and then gather his stuff, "have a good weekend!" I was a cum receptacle, and felt fine being used. He's very discreet, no one in the office has even a slight inkling he's fooling around on his wife. However I'm sure she does...because I'm sure she's had to deal with his unfaithfulness in the past. In one fail swoop it suddenly made perfect sense why she was always so bitchy - she doesn't trust her husband.

 

 

Since then, I've come a long way with my mental health. I'm seeing a therapist and learning to love myself, and channel my frustrations and anxiety into constructive, rather than destructive habits. I actually feel like I'm ready for a real relationship, when before I would not trust and ultimately reject any guy who seemed to like me for who I am.

 

 

Here's the thing. Objectively, I think my coworker is a POS. I've mentioned to him before that he's cheating on his wife, and he comes back with "Cheating? Who's cheating? It's just f--king." I try dating available men and end up breaking it off with each of them because the sex just bores me compared to when I'm with him. When Friday afternoon rolls around and he comes around the corner giving me that *look* - or says "It's just so-and-so left, trying to make them leave" I get flustered, I can't say no. I literally can't. say. No. How effed up is that? I open my mouth to say "Not today buddy" or "I'm ending this now, no more" but nothing comes out. And then I just rush to get drunk (I don't even drink at ALL now except when I have sex with him) because I know it's coming, and I want it, so badly. I am addicted to the rush, the sex, whatever it is, I am addicted even though I know he's trash. And he's SO good at manipulating me. He assumes I am the same way he is, and can be fulfilled by having a few people to ****, NSA. I am quite literally boosting his marriage, everyone in the office is constantly saying what a great mood he's been in the past few months. It makes everyone love him even more, haha. Meanwhile it's destroying me...I am constantly driving home drunk on Fridays, which is bad enough, but I've done damage to my car, lost my phone during a black out, got pulled over and just generally feel like crap and lose my Fridays because I just go home to crash at 6pm. He doesn't even have a fraction of an idea of how much of myself I've compromised (not even counting $$$) so he can **** me for 20 minutes on a Friday afternoon and get off.

 

 

I was just diagnosed with a bladder infection. This is the final straw. I want to END this once and for all. When I hear him entertaining a crowd from across the office, making everyone laugh, it no longer intrigues me...it makes me ill. I want to wipe that stupid smarmy smile off his face when he comes over to my desk to chat. I just can't summon the strength to be direct with him. Anytime I have before, my voice starts shaking and oh my god I do NOT want him knowing how emotional I am about all this. He's using me, simply, and has manipulated me into believing that what we're doing is mutually beneficial, and that I want it too. Every excuse I give when I try to break it off is immediately shot down with a laugh and condescension. And then he tells me how sexy I look that day and then it's over. My will is just not strong enough. It doesn't help that our whole sexual relationship is built on him pursuing and me eventually complying (S&M type stuff).

 

 

I do know I have a lot of work to do on me, for accepting this kind of treatment and engaging with a married man. I don't really know the point to writing this...I just haven't been able to tell anybody (including my therapist, though I'm sure she sees how effed up my life is in other areas). I guess I just need someone to tell me he's scum and I need to get angry enough to overcome how weak I get whenever he's fishing. He doesn't have to put in any effort, I'm like putty around him. The only reason he is sweet to me, compliments me etc is because he knows how easy I am. It's unsettling and I get so worked up when I'm not around him, but then I see him and he's so disaffected by everything and so magnetic and cheerful and beloved by the entire world it seems.....

 

 

this is a good job, a GREAT job for me and I can't afford to lose it, or quit. I just want to summon the strength to be direct, unemotional and let him know that we can't keep doing this, that I want to end it for good. I am so afraid that he will twist my words and somehow convince me (like every other time) out of it. He doesn't take anything I say seriously. If I tried bringing up his wife and kid, he'd say something like "wow, seriously? stop being so uncool" and I'd apologize like the stupid bitch I am and then get ready for an unfulfilling quickie.

 

 

any help is appreciated. words, advice, anything. I am so weak and can't even say no to something that has NO benefit to me.

[CarrieT]

I think the first thing you need to do is confide in your therapist.

 

You have made a good step by coming here for advice and the best way you can continue to work on yourself is lay yourself open entirely to the one person you are paying to help you.

 

Get someone in your corner that you can rely to help you on Fridays. Make other plans so you won't be available to the POS. And tell him you have an infection and that he might need to get it checked. THAT will grind things to a halt pretty quickly too.

[Mount]

That is unfortunate your MM is just such bad person.

 

Separate topic regarding Health, for me, early this year I brought MM to different Doctoers to check him up to make sure he is clean and healthy in order to continue our R or probable future (fake future whatever)

[gettingstronger]

I mean this kindly and sincerely, but do you read and watch erotica? It sounds like you are acting out some type of erotic fantasy. I ask because in our little slice of suburbia 50 shades of gray opened the flood gates of this type of thing among the bored soccer moms. It's crazy how influenced we can be by media.

[sam98]

this is almost identical to my story. Unfortunately I think you will have to get a new job. I'm still in the very beginning stages of ending it, but he left my office and got a new job. Honestly I don't think I could have ended things if we continued on in the same office. but:

 

I've mentioned to him before that he's cheating on his wife, and he comes back with "Cheating? Who's cheating? It's just f--king.

I was just diagnosed with a bladder infection. This is the final straw. I want to END this once and for all.

(I had a uti, sorry tmi)

 

Always unprotected. He was super rough and it felt so good, in that state of mind.

who works here who has EVERYONE wrapped around his finger. He practically runs the company, our boss is super bromanced out with him, guys and gals are basically smitten because he is SO charming and comes off as just the perfect family man. He is a great father to an adorable 2 year old.

I am addicted to the rush, the sex, whatever it is, I am addicted even though I know he's trash. And he's SO good at manipulating me. He assumes I am the same way he is, and can be fulfilled by having a few people to ****, NSA. I am quite literally boosting his marriage, everyone in the office is constantly saying what a great mood he's been in the past few months.

When I hear him entertaining a crowd from across the office, making everyone laugh, it no longer intrigues me...it makes me ill.

Everything I quoted above and more is exactly what I went through. Sucks,..you might want to try at least start looking for another job...for your sanity's sake. Edited August 6, 2014 by sam98
..

[lostgirl46]

I mean this kindly and sincerely, but do you read and watch erotica? It sounds like you are acting out some type of erotic fantasy. I ask because in our little slice of suburbia 50 shades of gray opened the flood gates of this type of thing among the bored soccer moms. It's crazy how influenced we can be by media.

 

Oh! no...I've heard of that book but had no idea what it was about. sort of disconnected from pop culture. I've always been into rape fantasies though (and by extension, emotionally unavailable men), and told that it was the unhealthy result of my biological father wanting nothing to do with me, from the get go. This was simply the first dude who didn't look at me with horror and disgust when I've told him what I'm into

[sam98]

One more similiarity:

 

I was flattered, being pursued by the "office hottie" and was receptive to his come ons. He had never crossed that line before, in the 2 years I'd worked there (here).

 

I didnt have to leave my job, but I was actively looking elsewhere. Luckily for me, mr. bigshot got an offer he couldn't turn down elsewhere.

 

[lostgirl46]

this is almost identical to my story. Unfortunately I think you will have to get a new job. I'm still in the very beginning stages of ending it, but he left my office and got a new job. Honestly I don't think I could have ended things if we continued on in the same office. but:

 

(I had a uti, sorry tmi)

 

Everything I quoted above and more is exactly what I went through. Sucks,..you might want to try at least start looking for another job...for your sanity's sake.

 

you have no idea how amazing it is just to know someone went through something similar. I feel like even if I successfully get out of this, he'll try to catch me at my weakest moments and that's infuriating and makes me feel hopeless.

 

the only way to sever this once and for all may be to threaten to tell someone if he doesn't stop completely...though I wouldn't, threatening to poke a hole in his squeaky clean image has to be worth something

[sam98]

if i didn't know better I would have thought I wrote the story. The timeline, alcohol involvement, everything is just so similar. I think the physical aspect blurred my thoughts and I have trouble remembering what a sack of sh*t he is. I wouldn't advise on telling anyone b/c people who know him best probably already know...just try to walk away,...better yet run away. The only regret I have is I didnt have the strength to end this sooner. Mine went on for 2 years - UGH.

[Artie Lang]

sounds like you just read that horrible piece of literature- 50 Shades of Grey.

 

 

idk, but this kinda sounds made-up.

[herself]

Have your therapist help you compose a letter. Request a vacation day or two, and give it to him before you leave. This isnt even an option for you to stop...

In some regard he doesnt know what its doing to you...because your giving in.

You dont even have to get emotional or too personal in the note or email.

Just tell him and leave no doubt or question that your done.

Make sure he REALLY gets in and when he comes around to ask again say please re-read my letter. I really cant, then turn your body away and pick up your work phone like your making a call. Denying him will become easier...but the first step since you can't verbalize it...is put it in writing and tell him NOTHING will make you change your mind.

Then be professional.

Also It doesnt matter what the logic...you need a new job. Period.

[herself]

I hope your doing ok, the reason I am saying take a few vacation daysvand give him letter first is to give him and yourself a few days to let it process and the dust settle.

I understand not being able to say no but its so clear how much its hurting you.

Tommorow is Friday....call off or schedule a half day and next week work on the letter with your therapist.

If you cant take off tommorow maybe send a breif email "I cant do this anymore, Im very sincere I need to end it and know you will understand that I won't and would like to remain professional. I have plans and am leaving on time and will not CAN not continue so no further discussion is required"

Fear is stopping you...insecurity and his (supposed) power over you is stopping you but you have to get ahold of this...you can...take the first step.

[Ronni_W]

lostgirl,

(If this is so NOT helpful or NOT what you're even thinking about...please do ignore the whole of it.)

 

It's not exactly my area of expertise, but have you considered looking into BDSM clubs in your area and finding yourself some non-jerk sex partners of the kind you like? Or, there are online dom/sub relationships happening, also.

 

I get the rush of the sex...but it can also be safe and sane, with(in) the right company, group of people.

 

PS: don't bother with '50 Shades'...try 'Carrie's Diary' or 'Diary of a Submissive' or 'As She's Told'. Just in case you're not yet aware of it, Literotica is free to read online.

 

Wishing you happy, healthy, stress-free...and really great...sex

[lostgirl46]

I'm planning on sending him the email after work today. i'll let you know how it goes.

 

I wouldn't make up something like this, it's not that great at all. i'm guessing bdsm and fantasy type **** like '50 shades of gray' is way hotter when you're actually with someone who cares about you. I guess the key now is loving myself enough to believe I deserve that.

 

thanks guys for all the words and encouragement.

[Shadowburn]

You need to quit your job period. No job and no money worth your feeling the way you do. I wouldn't even bother telling him, just give you notice and dissapear. You need a permanent wall between yourself and this awful man.

[herself]

I'm planning on sending him the email after work today. i'll let you know how it goes.

 

I wouldn't make up something like this, it's not that great at all. i'm guessing bdsm and fantasy type **** like '50 shades of gray' is way hotter when you're actually with someone who cares about you. I guess the key now is loving myself enough to believe I deserve that.

 

thanks guys for all the words and encouragement.

 

My fear is that he will read the email then make a joke of it and waltz over to your desk and insist to have his way and manipulate you and you will be back to square one.

You need a Friday off and you need a solid plan.

You're still gonna hear his laugh, his stories, hear him fakely interact with everyone....its still going to effect you to be there...

Id send an anonymous note to his wife that hes fooling around...and I would find another job asap.

[Artie Lang]

well, if this is all true, you need to extricate yourself from this situation ASAP. sounds like he's looking to degrade you as much as possible.

 

 

although i don't have a problem with your fantasies, i do see a negative side to it because of your conclusion that the origins might be linked to your fathers neglect. you definetly have some issues there.

 

 

i suggest you seek counseling to resolve these FOO issues.

[BetrayedH]

i'm guessing bdsm and fantasy type **** like '50 shades of gray' is way hotter when you're actually with someone who cares about you. I guess the key now is loving myself enough to believe I deserve that.

 

I don't know if it's hotter to do it with someone that cares about you but it's definitely healthier. My GF is a submissive and I'm more dominant. I'm not going to get graphic here but I can tell you that it's quite something. That said, when we're out of the bedroom, she's completely my equal and respected partner. She can feel safe exploring her fantasies with me and it doesn't at all have to influence how she sees herself in the morning.

 

While our sex might not be hotter, per se, it's both healthy and sustainable because the relationship fundamentals are there. Those fundamentals are missing in your situation. You're not engaging in the fantasy of being demeaned; you ARE being demeaned. Even further, you're particpating in the betrayal of his wife. None of that is going to help your feelings of self-worth, -pride, or -esteem

 

As well, I can assure you that you most certainly can find a man willing to participate in this type of fantasy engagement. There's tons of us. A brief conversation about what they think about dominance will probably tell you a lot about your compatibility. What may be tougher is finding a man who respects that he needs to be worthy of it and that it ain't happenin' if he isn't.