Jump to content

Why MM does future faking with OW


Recommended Posts

I want to understand Why MM does future faking with OW? Why MM did so much things to convince OW he is serious about divorcing and but did not do the critical move - announcing divorce to BS?

Link to post
Share on other sites
I want to understand Why MM does future faking with OW? Why MM did so much things to convince OW he is serious about divorcing and but did not do the critical move - announcing divorce to BS?

 

Because he really doesn't want to divorce his wife and wants to keep his mistress on the hook. Aka "cake eating".

 

Also, divorcing the wife and marrying the mistress turns the mistress into another wife, who isn't as much fun as she used to be.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
bentleychic

Some believe it when they are saying it. Some mean it. Some are doing it to keep a piece on the side. Only he can know which one of these he is, though actions speak loudly.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

They do it because they're cake eaters, for sure. But some of them do actually believe it when they're saying it. It's only later when reality hits. In the moment they believe it.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
I want to understand Why MM does future faking with OW? Why MM did so much things to convince OW he is serious about divorcing and but did not do the critical move - announcing divorce to BS?

 

Compartmentalization if you ask me.

 

When, with the AP, he /she may in fact truly have this desire - this fantasy of riding off into the sunset and having a new life bereft of all the problem his current one offers. Its bull of course - it be all the same problems again just with a different person (as we tend to create our own problems).

 

And, upon returning home, the fantasy fades a bit as he/she settles into the somewhat content, but not perfectly happy nor perfectly unhappy, life he/she chooses.

 

Give it some time and the siren call of the AP and the fantasy life comes calling again - to "save them" from the doldrums of the ordinary.

 

Rinse. Repeat.

 

And yet another reason...

 

...lets face it, its FUN to imagine tomorrow with someone special - the fantasy dream vacations, the perfect house and the perfect white fence with the perfect children and the perfect love-making and the perfect jobs where your upstairs AC doesn't die in the middle of Texas freakin' July like mine just did....its normal really in an R.

 

BUT...he/she is married. If ONLY they could leave. They can't...that dream which so sweetly baits the hook is denied by...yes, the evil spouse. Future faking also serves to deflect blame onto the BS. He or she cannot act because..."the BS will do this or that"...or "the kids will be crushed"...or "any other reason to NOT blame the WS". You see it time and again here...the WS can't leave, can't meet the "deadline"...because of...well, NOT him or her of course.

 

But lets keep dreaming of our perfect tomorrow (which is not at all denied by the WS)....

Link to post
Share on other sites

MM that cheat are usually looking for the "thrill" of sneaking around,....they get some fulfillment out of it because things have become too routine and boring in their marriage. But that doesn't mean they have stop loving their wives, loving their family life. They usually want to keep that stability. They are too cowardly to man up and fix the marriage, or get a divorce. There is a lot of responsibility where divorce is involved. Financial risk, hurt and pain of breaking up the family, losing family and friends, fear of the unknown, lawyer fees, splitting of the assets, etc. Too much to bear for a coward. Having an affair is way easier to maintain. They are so used to lying, it works well for them to keep doing it.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't think many believe it at all, they are simply using what works to continue to get what he wants which is his marriage and his side woman. If he wanted out he would get out. He wants both sooo he lies.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

He does it so you stay.

 

Look back at your other threads. Are you in the same crappy situation you were last fall?

 

The reason it may still be that you are his OW is simply because you haven't changed a thing.

 

Will he keep lying to keep you hanging around for his benefit? Sure!

 

 

Unless you stop participating... That is when you get to stop hearing his lies.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I think this time is real..I just told MM that we should end A as I was intentionally asking him where our relationship is going, and asked him if he is going to leave his marriage/wife (they have been together over 35 years). Obvioulsy he can not make decision now, he does not see him leaving marriage at this moment.

 

Then I told him that for myself sanity, even though I love him so much, we should not see each other anymore, just keep professional work relationship. He agrees, so guess this time it is for real.

 

From my mind I knew he is not going to leave marriage (at least point), basically I just want to use his answer to harden my heart to end the A. I am of course at a loss, but since we started to have physical affair and see each other weekly basis from late May, right now it is still good timing to end.

 

Your opinion? and pls keep me being strong.

 

 

This was July of 2012!

 

Now two more years have passed for you.

 

Quit working with him and do anything not to see him or communicate ever again.

 

You can do this! You deserve better!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Some believe it WHEN they are saying it. Some mean it. Some are doing it to keep a piece on the side. Only he can know which one of these he is, though actions speak loudly.

I capitalized the when because that's the key word. As a FWW who future faked with my exMM, I believed at the time that's what I wanted. I wasn't trying to cake eat. I wasn't being real to myself, my H or my exMM. Affairs are confusing for everyone involved. It's easy to get lost in the fantasy. Things are much easier said than done. Actions are what counts NOT words. This is why I encourage OW's to give their MM's ultimatums because it will make the MM choose one way or the other. I also encourage OW's to not throw all their eggs in one basket. Do NOT make yourself completely available to someone who's not willing to do the same. We may not like the choices we have in life, but we all have choices. OP, do you honestly want a man who won't take a stand and make a decision? It's time for you to stop wasting your life and make a decision for him.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
I capitalized the when because that's the key word. As a FWW who future faked with my exMM, I believed at the time that's what I wanted. I wasn't trying to cake eat. I wasn't being real to myself, my H or my exMM. Affairs are confusing for everyone involved. It's easy to get lost in the fantasy. Things are much easier said than done. Actions are what counts NOT words. This is why I encourage OW's to give their MM's ultimatums because it will make the MM choose one way or the other. I also encourage OW's to not throw all their eggs in one basket. Do NOT make yourself completely available to someone who's not willing to do the same. We may not like the choices we have in life, but we all have choices. OP, do you honestly want a man who won't take a stand and make a decision? It's time for you to stop wasting your life and make a decision for him.

 

I don't see it as the MM's choice. Mount has a choice too. She can choose to change things.

 

No reason to continuing to hand her MM all HER power. The decision is hers to make - not his.

 

 

By allowing him to decide - she will still be his OW in another 10 or 20 years!

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

I know a man that is the OM. He is dating a much younger MW. He tells me she wants to leave her husband but hasn't yet. The affair is now two years old. I was so tempted to tell him she isn't going to leave her husband and she is just using him for the attention. He is so oblivious.....dumb f uck.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Hey ladies, I will restart a post to describe current situation, so would be easier to read or comment on. I am in the middle of running a program, will post once done.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

No, why? I am comfortable financially and I have my property. But he does buy me gifts, and insisted me going on Vacation secretly with him when he and his wife were on Vacation, but met with me when his wife on shopping. He insisted to pay all expense of Vacation.

 

Mount, does your MM give you money every month? ...besides what you make at work.
Edited by Mount
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

As I stayed the previous year too, MM didn't make much fake future and I did not even care; And this time he seemed to fight to keep us together so far untill this recent back out again. Also I kept telling him if he is serious and he did not need pretend saying, as I also wanted him to think through and mentally ready, he kept saying he did prepare.

 

 

 

Since you've stayed - I'm left wondering why you asked the original question?
Link to post
Share on other sites
As I stayed the previous year too, MM didn't make much fake future and I did not even care; And this time he seemed to fight to keep us together so far untill this recent back out again. Also I kept telling him if he is serious and he did not need pretend saying, as I also wanted him to think through and mentally ready, he kept saying he did prepare.

 

FOR YOU - I wish you could decide that it's OVER.

Link to post
Share on other sites
As I stayed the previous year too, MM didn't make much fake future and I did not even care; And this time he seemed to fight to keep us together so far untill this recent back out again. Also I kept telling him if he is serious and he did not need pretend saying, as I also wanted him to think through and mentally ready, he kept saying he did prepare.

 

Yeah, he fought to keep you together because he likes the drama and the attention and the sex that you keep giving him with absolutely no consequences for his bad behavior and lies.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers

Really, Mount, I can't believe you are still here posting the same things after years. It's SO sad. You are asking the same questions about 'future faking' that you have asked about and read here YEARS ago. Why can't you see that this is the best you will ever get from this loser of a man?

 

He spends time with you while on vacation with his wife when she goes shopping? Gross.... just yuck. Why do you want that for yourself?

 

Really, you know (or should know) by now that nothing is going to change, so since you keep on staying in the same helpless position with him, why not just accept it and enjoy the little bits and pieces you have? Otherwise you are still going to be on here in five... ten... twenty years from now, wondering why he doesn't leave his W!

  • Like 7
Link to post
Share on other sites

My exMM was Champion Future Faker.

 

 

He'd talk at length about "his divorce," his desire to have kids with me, what we'd name those kids, where we'd live, what color our house would be, would I take his name, how he'd adore my daughters....goes ON and ON and ON.

 

 

I think it made him feel better when he was with me and I think it was what he WANTED when he was with me. But he didn't have the balls to do anything about it. He didn't want to rock up the home life...in summary...cake eating.

 

 

Pretty much there is a spectrum all of which is cake eating. Some cake eaters just are happy married men who want a piece on the side and to keep that piece, they make promises. Others actually fall for their OW but are people pleasers, so they make promises to keep the OW around while keeping wife happy and completely oblivious.

 

 

I remember your story from way back when...PLEASE tell me you aren't still hoping his dude is going to come around for real.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Lovemesomehim

Because if MM was a man of integrity, he never would have started an affair in the first place. If he cannot be honest in his marriage, why would he be honest in his affair?

  • Like 7
Link to post
Share on other sites
Lostinlife4now
I want to understand Why MM does future faking with OW? Why MM did so much things to convince OW he is serious about divorcing and but did not do the critical move - announcing divorce to BS?

 

 

Sorry to be so direct BUT.......

 

They fake it so they keep getting under our skirts and in our pants! ;)

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I want to understand Why MM does future faking with OW? Why MM did so much things to convince OW he is serious about divorcing and but did not do the critical move - announcing divorce to BS?

 

I don't think that for everyone it is about doing something to someone else, like it is some conscious decision. For some, yes, but for others it is about this desire to have this future. But this future may be a very strong fantasy, one they actually can't/won't move forward into the future. There is a real disconnect between fantasy and reality.

 

And I think tied to this is a strong layer of fear. Fear of the unknown, of failure, of being alone. And fears can be the strongest motivator or demotivator out there. It isn't just in the affair aspect. Many people talk about, desire, something but never actually go after it. Sometimes the idea of the fantasy is enough, sometimes fear keeps people stuck.

 

Bottom line, ultimately no matter how toxic people are where they want to be based on where they are psychologically. Only they can effect change when they are truly ready. I know my ex husband was very unhappy with many areas of his life, and talked about what he would rather be doing, but the fear of failure, of going out and trying it, of actually achieving was a much bigger driver than what he actually desired.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...