5 year affair ended two months ago...still devastated

[Ruby80]

Hello, I'm new to these boards, but I can see many of you have been in similar situations as mine so I thought it would be a good place to get some advice...

 

I was the OW in a 5 year affair that just ended about 2 months ago. It all started when I was 23 years old and he was 40. My xMM and I worked (and still work) in the same office. I always had a crush on this man, but never acted on it. He pursued me for a couple weeks until I finally gave in. We had a lot of chemistry.

 

I felt like I could really be myself with him and he with me. About a few months into the relationship I had brought up the conversation about the chances of him leaving his wife..he told me he wasn't going to until his child ( not his wife's) turned 18. He later denied ever saying that. We would get into arguments all the time which would usually be me getting mad at the situation and him saying I am just an angry person and I would be this way even if he weren't married. Whenever he'd go on vacations with his wife he'd come back and tell me it was over, only to tell me he wanted me again. This roller coaster happened a lot and our 'break-ups' would only last a week or so with the longest at 3 weeks.

 

So our last argument was about two months ago which resulted in him telling me it was over. I would've believed him but he had told me many times before. Now he refuses to communicate over text or IM at work. He said he told his wife that he cheated, but I found out that they just went on vacation again. He seems to be done for good this time, but I find it hard to believe that he told his wife the truth. I'm not sure there is a wife who would go on vacation with her husband who just confessed to cheating on her for 5 years. Anyway, I am also so hurt that he just expects me to be over our 5 year relationship.

 

He has actually said to me at work that I need to move on with my life and he doesn't understand why I'm still upset. I don't know of he is just being an ******* to help me get over him, he really means it and this meant nothing to him, or he woke up one day and realized what he had been doing the last five years . Now whenever I am forced to see him at work I feel like I don't even know him. I am completely crushed. This man I cared about for the last five years no longer speaks to me. I know the best thing for me to do is just try my best to move on, but how can I do that when I have to see him every day?

 

Should I change jobs because of him? Should I even hold on to any hope of being with him again? Part of me believes he will come back again, but what kind of life is that? This is a man who I pretty much gave my 20s to. I was never with anyone else and I can't even think about dating others right now. Please help:(

Edited July 5, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[peaksandvalleys]

Look for a new job.

[Ruby80]

Look for a new job.

 

I have already started looking but the problem is there aren't any that pay close to what I am making where I am at right now. I guess I just need to do my best and not pay attention to what he does while I'm still there..which is just torture!

[still_an_Angel]

I have already started looking but the problem is there aren't any that pay close to what I am making where I am at right now. I guess I just need to do my best and not pay attention to what he does while I'm still there..which is just torture!

 

 

 

I understand this, looking at taking a pay cut does not seem a good move career-wise. So the question is: Is your sanity more important? Or can you stay at the job and grow a thicker skin? After all, he does not own the place and you have every right to be there and develop your career.

[OWAmy]

It doesn't matter that you gave up your twenties for this man. It's done now and you need to look at what you want now. Look, I spent nearly 10yrs with a partner and that never amounted to marriage, kids etc. If any type of relationship ends its easy to look back and think what a waste of time! I was in an affair until recently for 3.5yrs. And yeah I do think, what a waste of time, but I learned something really important because of it: that 10yr relationship I was in was also with an emotionally unavailable man. That is the type I go for and always have done under many guises. I am 37yrs old now and I feel at peace. That cycle I have been in has ended. It took something extreme for me to figure it out... I was pre-disposed to having an affair. He just happened to be the one I did it with. And I say no more, enough is enough.

 

It's what you do from now on that counts. Your life need not be blighted and you need not be damaged by the affair. It is all a question of choice.

 

Okay so work life is difficult. That is not something I have to deal with and I really sympathise with you here. Look at every other aspect of your life and see if improvements can be made. Make any changes that you have the power to make, emotions are difficult to change, feel that pain, work through it and after time things will look a whole lot brighter.

 

I think often we have to become what we actually look for in a person to get the sort of person that we want.

 

28 is a great age and there are still guys out there. Start dating when you feel you are ready but in the meantime keep coming to LS and start living a better life. You were the OW but you're not any more!!!

[Ruby80]

 

I think often we have to become what we actually look for in a person to get the sort of person that we want.

 

28 is a great age and there are still guys out there. Start dating when you feel you are ready but in the meantime keep coming to LS and start living a better life. You were the OW but you're not any more!!!

 

Thanks for your advice. I think that was probably what got me into this mess. I was 23 and obsessed with this man and also had recently ended another relationship when this started. I was young and gullible and I'm sure he saw that. I think the part that bothers me the most is how he is annoyed that I'm still hurt from this. I had brought up the fact that they went on vacation a couple weeks ago after he supposedly told her..he said that his life is none of my business. I'm telling you it's like he turned a switch off. He is really trying to convince himself this didn't happen. Obviously if did and it wasn't just a fling it was 5 years that he had a relationship with me. Like I mentioned before, I highly doubt he confessed, I think he just got really paranoid. I believe the truth always comes out and I hope I am no longer in that office when it does.

[Ruby80]

I understand this, looking at taking a pay cut does not seem a good move career-wise. So the question is: Is your sanity more important? Or can you stay at the job and grow a thicker skin? After all, he does not own the place and you have every right to be there and develop your career.

 

When I first realized he was serious about this being over I felt like the only thing to do was leave my job there. I was constantly rushing to the restroom to cry. I couldn't focus on anything other than this situation. It has gotten a little better, but I definitely still dread going there every day. I had mentioned to him that I would be leaving and he told me 'you don't need to leave and self destruct because of me'. So he wants me to stay but he no longer wants to see me anymore? I am just sick of hanging on to every word he says! I pray for a day that I no longer care about what he says or does!

[jellybean89]

He has made it clear from his words and actions that he is done being in an affair with you.

 

Believe him.

 

Stop trying to discuss it with him, it makes you look clingy and weak.

 

The affair is over and now you need to reflect on what the last 5 years has taught you and why you allowed yourself to be involved with a married man.

 

I understand you are hurting, that is normal. Grieve the ending and look to the future. You are still so young and have so much ahead of you.

 

Keep looking for a new job opportunity, and until you can change jobs, focus on work while at work - that is why you are being paid to be there.

 

Good rule for the future is:

 

Don't get involved with married men

Don't make your place of employment your dating pool

 

Good luck to you.

[Tressugar]

This man did you a favor. Thank him and move on to an available man. Lesson learned. Keep your job.

[devilish innocent]

Can you find another job that allows you to support yourself? As long as you are some place safe and have food to eat without going into major debt, that is all you need. Your emotional well-being is more important than any materialistic stuff. And your emotional well-being will be suffering as long as you have to continue seeing him. You might even want to consider moving in with friends and family if that is what you need to get by.

 

I know it must feel terrible not to be told what's going on with his life, but it's really the best thing he could have done for you. As long as he was sharing everything with you, you wouldn't have been able to cut off your connection with him. While on the surface that might seem like what you wanted, think of how much heartache it has caused you. Is that really what you want for the rest of your life? He was never going to leave his wife for you. You are better off with things ending right now so you can move on to a better quality of life.

[Ruby80]

Can you find another job that allows you to support yourself? As long as you are some place safe and have food to eat without going into major debt, that is all you need. Your emotional well-being is more important than any materialistic stuff. And your emotional well-being will be suffering as long as you have to continue seeing him. You might even want to consider moving in with friends and family if that is what you need to get by.

 

I know it must feel terrible not to be told what's going on with his life, but it's really the best thing he could have done for you. As long as he was sharing everything with you, you wouldn't have been able to cut off your connection with him. While on the surface that might seem like what you wanted, think of how much heartache it has caused you. Is that really what you want for the rest of your life? He was never going to leave his wife for you. You are better off with things ending right now so you can move on to a better quality of life.

 

My financial situation isn't great now as it is so I don't think finding any new job is realistic for me right now. I suppose I will just have to suck it up until I do find a new job that pays the same or better. Luckily I will be out of the office for a week in a few days for my vacation. Hope those days away aren't spent dwelling on this!