GreenGirl12 Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 Hello- I stumbled upon this site (particularly this forum) and have been reading it every day for about a month now. I find people on here kind and very helpful. After contemplating for about 2 weeks, I decided to post my story. I apologize if my I am all over the place...I've been very emotional for the last few weeks. I am in my mid 30s, married for 8 years, I have 2 young children (both under age 8). I had an affair with an ex-co worker for about 7 months (it ended last month). We had worked in the same department for about a year without much contact--was never on same team or project. The only interactions we had was Hi/Good Morning. I left the company and about 4 months later he contacted me via email..."hope all is well..." I replied..nothing to it..casual. He then email me back with small talks etc...after a few emails back and forth, he asked it would be great to get together with our group for HH. I replied back and thought that was the end of it. He then texted about a month later, i replied back and again, left it at that until he texted again about a month later...and thats when we started talking about our work, ex co workers etc. Text escalate to going to HH with group, we both had a few drinks and thats when he told me how much he wanted/attracted to me since he started with the company...and that's the start of the affair. We saw each other about every other week. I would stay over on weekends or a couple of days during the week (I travel a bit for my job so it was easy to come up with excuses). We even took a week long vacation together. It was after the vacation that it ended. He confessed that he was getting attached and did not like the emotions he was having. He wanted a normal GF/life. I was sad, but said fine, since we both have feelings lets end this before it gets harder. Well....little did I know that I was in shocked and when it finally sinked in a few days later, I was a MESS (still a MESS!)! I was crying told him i wanted him back... you name it..I've said it! I tried NC..the most I've lasted is 4 days. The last time i contact was yesterday...and no response from him. I am going NC again. But feels like I am turning into the lady from "Fatal Attraction! My marriage at that time was BAD! We been fighting for the last 5 years...slept in separate beds for the 5 years. We don't talk and when we do its about the kids or after a few words we fight..big huge fights. I checked out of the marriage mentally a few years ago, even contacted a divorce lawyer, looked for an apartment, but never went through it. I guess i didn't have courage? I dont know. My husband found out about the affair a about a month ago and to my surprised was not mad at me or him, rather he blamed himself and made me feel like the sh*tty person that I am. He still wants to work it out for the sake of the kids. I told him EVERYTHING...he's even giving me advice on how to get over my feelings about the other man. Actually when he first found out, he was the one that told me I had fallin hard for this person. My husband blamed himself for all of this, said that he pushed me to this other man. and to give him time to to make me fall in love with him again and if in 3 months my feelings has not change we will divorce. While he is trying his best, I am thinking about this other person. I am the sh*ttiest person out there. But I can not control my feelings for the other man. Why dont I want to try??? I've read so many stories on here where the wife is asking for a second chance-not the other way around?!! Have I gone mad/obsessed? I just dont have the same feelings for my hubby as I do with the other man. I dont know if it will ever come back. I know I will flog for thinking thinking this. Let me know your thoughts on this. Give it to me straight! Sorry this is super long-but wanted to give as much info as possible. Thank you for reading. GG12 Link to post Share on other sites
SoftViolin Posted June 5, 2014 Share Posted June 5, 2014 Give it time. The fog will clear. Only you know if your relationship with your husband is something you can/want to save. And only you can decide where to go next. Wherever it is though, you will be ok. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Amy74 Posted June 5, 2014 Share Posted June 5, 2014 I'm sorry you're struggling--I've been there. I don't know if you've tried marriage counseling but that and individual counseling might be a good next step. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted June 5, 2014 Share Posted June 5, 2014 (edited) You cannot compare feeling for a OM and a husband. With the OM, there is the "excitement" of the forbidden, the secrecy, the sneaking around. Your H will never be able to compete with that. And that's lust...not love. I'm stunned you went on a weeks vacation and left your 2 young children. That blows my mind. That behavior should indicate to you how out if control your allowing yourself to get...over some dude! How did he get your cell number to text you? You didn't think it was inappropriate to be texting a guy and arranging to meet up? Your poor H....blaming himself for your actions. I hope you have reassured him that no matter what HE has done, your decision to cheat is on YOU, not him. You need to decide if losing your family is worth it. Maybe it is - maybe you prefer to be with him full time vs your kids. Maybe you want to be free of all responsibilities so you can focus on this other guy? It is a red flag to me how obsessed you seem to be after 7 months. No guy is worth what you are doing to your H and kids. I am guessing that you spend time plotting the next hook up, the next meeting, crying and being depressed between meetings...that's no life for your kids. I'm sure they have seen you crying and sad and don't understand. They also shouldn't be anywhere near conversations between you and the OM nor you and your H when discussing your affair. They are children and should be feeling safe and loved...not living in hell with parents fighting and mom crying and depressed. Just my view.... Edited June 5, 2014 by jellybean89 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted June 5, 2014 Share Posted June 5, 2014 Our OW also fell head over heals for my husband and its understandable- she would fly herself out to meet him on business trips- that must have been so fun and a great escape from her three kids and home- so, like you I do question is it the person or the circumstances that have you so hooked-if you could take a week vacation with no kids with your husband would you have been just as hooked on him- I guess what I am saying, is it possible you just want a more casual, fun relationship rather than a marriage or even an affair- if you left your husband and settled down again would you find yourself in the same position-note: this is not to say that affairs are not real, what I am saying is I think some people confuse the more carefree aspects of affairs with what the relationship will look like when it settles- maybe some just want the more carefree type of relationship rather than the more settled type- JMO 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author GreenGirl12 Posted June 5, 2014 Author Share Posted June 5, 2014 jellybean89: Believe me, I take all the blame for the A. I have never talked about OM, cried in front of my kids, I admitted to being sad and try my best to not show it. How he have my contact info? When i left my previous employer, I sent out a email to the group with my personal contact info to "keep in touch". Our first meeting was at a group outing with ex-coworkers. Yes my H and I argued a lot and I mean A LOT long before the A started. It is one of the reason why I "checked out" of the marriage and been considering divorce for a few years now. I sometimes ask myself "its only 7 months...why do i feel so strongly about this person?" Its strong feelings that I have and i guess i gave my all without realizing it. gettingstronger: I really miss the person. I miss the conversations, the way he makes me feel. Maybe jellybean89 is right..this is lust... and can not compare to feelings for H. H wants to work things out despite what happened. I honestly don't think I can. I have really checked out emotionally a long time ago. What we are doing is all for the kids. should i sacrifice happiness for the kids? Wouldn't it be better for the kids if they have happy parents that are separate or unhappy parents that are together?? Thank you both for your honest response. GG12 Link to post Share on other sites
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