HairTie Posted February 23, 2014 Share Posted February 23, 2014 So, once in a while I think about the exMM. I was daydreaming about a specific encounter during which I asked him why he was so quick to take his clothes off. He said he was scared of getting makeup or perfume on his clothes. Which of course makes sense. Either way, when he said that I became SO turned off. Unreasonably bothered by it. And I'm not sure why. Obviously I knew the circumstances and hated having to sneak around, limited calls, keeping up with a "unsuspicious" schedule, but for some reason those things didnt bother me even close to how much the clothes thing did. Anyone have any idea as to why that is? Did anyone have a similar situation with a MM? Link to post Share on other sites
Daisy2013 Posted February 23, 2014 Share Posted February 23, 2014 Well he didn't want to be caught by having your perfume and makeup on his clothes. Mine didn't undress all of the way quickly, but he'd prefer when I would meet him without wearing any. And he preferred me without lots of makeup anyway, if we had been in a real R. He'd usually remove his shirt leaving on his undershirt, to protect himself. We met in public so he couldn't take it all off. It didn't bother me. I accepted it as part of my role as OW and when I could, would meet him with no make-up and definitely no perfume. Come to think of it, I learned to not let anything bother me in that A, I suppressed it all. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 23, 2014 Share Posted February 23, 2014 Maybe because he said it which then leaves no room for doubt or misinterpretation (something we may conveniently do). Also maybe because you were about to have sex? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mercy Posted February 23, 2014 Share Posted February 23, 2014 On a spiritual level you stay with him when you touch him. It is a reminder that you can and will be washed away. He wants no part of you on him when he returns home. Home is a trigger word to OW. As it should be. OW don't belong in a home. The scent of the family surrounds him. In truth you know what surrounds him? The smell of cow manure. Period. Because he's full of sh*t. Link to post Share on other sites
Lessons Posted February 23, 2014 Share Posted February 23, 2014 My xMOM used to be really vocal about my perfume, too. I think it bothered me because I imagined that the only way his W could get a whiff of my perfume on him would be in an embrace . . . and he always swore that they weren't affectionate like that. One of many lies . . . *sigh* Day 12 of NC - and THRIVING! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FoolishOW Posted February 23, 2014 Share Posted February 23, 2014 It's one thing to know you are "someone's secret", but it's another thing entirely to realize that he literally takes steps, right in front of you, to protect his life (and everything in it) from being compromised by the idea of YOU coming to light. When your name is different in their phone, when you can't use your typical email, when you can't wear perfume when you see him... they're all flashing lights that tell you, "You are relegated to a certain part of my life, and I will do whatever I have to to make sure you don't spill over into my real life... the one I want to keep, the one I go home to everyday, the one I have no intension of leaving to be with you." If the recognition of that fact DIDN"T sadden you, make you feel less of a person, less of a woman... then I'm not sure what would. Who do these jacka$$es think they are? and why have we given them the power to act this way????????? 7 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted February 23, 2014 Share Posted February 23, 2014 (edited) So, once in a while I think about the exMM. I was daydreaming about a specific encounter during which I asked him why he was so quick to take his clothes off. He said he was scared of getting makeup or perfume on his clothes. Which of course makes sense. Either way, when he said that I became SO turned off. Unreasonably bothered by it. And I'm not sure why. Obviously I knew the circumstances and hated having to sneak around, limited calls, keeping up with a "unsuspicious" schedule, but for some reason those things didnt bother me even close to how much the clothes thing did. Anyone have any idea as to why that is? Did anyone have a similar situation with a MM? As an OW I was never happy with the situation. I tolerated it and could do so for the most part because how things were "set up" made it so that I didn't always feel like an other, and I really bought into that. However, certain little things would be like a jolt to reality that we were having a clandestine relationship and that I wasn't his primary as I was the one who needed to be in hiding. When we did meet up he never had to do those things re his clothes and perfume as I would have him all to myself for days/weeks and we would "live together" in those times but other things did elicit a similar kind of being turned off/angry/upset...like him taking private calls in another room when he called his SO, that was one of those moments where the two worlds collided so to speak and that did make me feel angry at him and sad about the situation I was in with him. The person you care about/love/value symbolically discarding you by having to wipe away your scent, making sure no trace of you is on them etc, that erasure of you undermines any security and value you feel as someone important to them and rightfully makes you feel like something "dirty" and "over there" that shouldn't taint his "real life". It's not a pleasant or "natural" experience to be with someone and have to feel this way so I think while you can contort yourself and be okay with it sometimes, sometimes reality hits like a ton of bricks in the smallest of actions. Edited February 23, 2014 by MissBee 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 23, 2014 Share Posted February 23, 2014 ... and he always swore that they weren't affectionate like that. One of many lies . . . *sigh* How did you find out he was lying? Link to post Share on other sites
LilGirlandOW Posted February 23, 2014 Share Posted February 23, 2014 Sorry your dealing with a cheating scandalous MM, they all have their "routines" and "precautions" in place, crushing when you find out about one. Imagining him saying that to you give me the chills ((hugs)) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
nais Posted February 24, 2014 Share Posted February 24, 2014 So, once in a while I think about the exMM. I was daydreaming about a specific encounter during which I asked him why he was so quick to take his clothes off. He said he was scared of getting makeup or perfume on his clothes. Which of course makes sense. Either way, when he said that I became SO turned off. Unreasonably bothered by it. And I'm not sure why. Obviously I knew the circumstances and hated having to sneak around, limited calls, keeping up with a "unsuspicious" schedule, but for some reason those things didnt bother me even close to how much the clothes thing did. Anyone have any idea as to why that is? Did anyone have a similar situation with a MM? He is considerate of 'her' feelings and not so much your feelings. He has to ensure he has himself in order when going home, but your not important enough to be shared or considered. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
nais Posted February 24, 2014 Share Posted February 24, 2014 As an OW I was never happy with the situation. I tolerated it and could do so for the most part because how things were "set up" made it so that I didn't always feel like an other, and I really bought into that. However, certain little things would be like a jolt to reality that we were having a clandestine relationship and that I wasn't his primary as I was the one who needed to be in hiding. When we did meet up he never had to do those things re his clothes and perfume as I would have him all to myself for days/weeks and we would "live together" in those times but other things did elicit a similar kind of being turned off/angry/upset...like him taking private calls in another room when he called his SO, that was one of those moments where the two worlds collided so to speak and that did make me feel angry at him and sad about the situation I was in with him. The person you care about/love/value symbolically discarding you by having to wipe away your scent, making sure no trace of you is on them etc, that erasure of you undermines any security and value you feel as someone important to them and rightfully makes you feel like something "dirty" and "over there" that shouldn't taint his "real life". It's not a pleasant or "natural" experience to be with someone and have to feel this way so I think while you can contort yourself and be okay with it sometimes, sometimes reality hits like a ton of bricks in the smallest of actions. totally feeling you on this- hard to have those feelings and then realize you are not important- or important enough. These are the things you work through if the intent is to remain. Never a good feeling, but you smile anyway- Link to post Share on other sites
Lessons Posted February 24, 2014 Share Posted February 24, 2014 How did you find out he was lying? Popsicle, There was no actual confrontation . . . I just finally realized that his actions didn't match his words. He always talked about leaving his W but has taken no actual steps to do so. He told me several times how much he "hated" her, but he worked pretty hard to keep her happy and ignorant when we were together - always checking in with her, making sure I didn't get too close if I was wearing perfume, etc. It just didn't add up. I have learned some very important "Lessons" about myself from this affair, so it wasn't all bad. In the end, my M has already benefited from it, and I am very hopeful for even more positive changes in the future. I am in IC dealing with the reasons I strayed in the first place, and I know now that I will never go back to the A. I already have what I thought I was missing. Link to post Share on other sites
mercy Posted March 2, 2014 Share Posted March 2, 2014 On a spiritual level you stay with him when you touch him. It is a reminder that you can and will be washed away. He wants no part of you on him when he returns home. Home is a trigger word to OW. As it should be. OW don't belong in a home. The scent of the family surrounds him. In truth you know what surrounds him? The smell of cow manure. Period. Because he's full of sh*t. My sister needs to stop signing into my account, it's becoming a problem. Those are not my words but her's. Link to post Share on other sites
HPrynne Posted March 2, 2014 Share Posted March 2, 2014 My sister needs to stop signing into my account, it's becoming a problem. Those are not my words but her's. Then change your password. It takes less than one minute, and you'll never have to worry about her signing into your account again. Choose random words/letters/numbers/symbols and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
solostand Posted March 2, 2014 Share Posted March 2, 2014 Once when xMM went to take a shower to get my smell off him I presumed, I got so pissed off I sprayed Chanel Number 5 in his pants pocket and his shoes. His wife does the laundry obviously! Several times I deliberately left a fake fingernail in the car. he he he. I can be evil too. Link to post Share on other sites
myname Posted March 2, 2014 Share Posted March 2, 2014 It's one thing to know you are "someone's secret", but it's another thing entirely to realize that he literally takes steps, right in front of you, to protect his life (and everything in it) from being compromised by the idea of YOU coming to light. When your name is different in their phone, when you can't use your typical email, when you can't wear perfume when you see him... they're all flashing lights that tell you, "You are relegated to a certain part of my life, and I will do whatever I have to to make sure you don't spill over into my real life... the one I want to keep, the one I go home to everyday, the one I have no intension of leaving to be with you." If the recognition of that fact DIDN"T sadden you, make you feel less of a person, less of a woman... then I'm not sure what would. Who do these jacka$$es think they are? and why have we given them the power to act this way????????? Yikes, yes can only agree, this is horrible, always felt like a slap in the face to me yet I put up with it, and still do and I don't know why! Link to post Share on other sites
Iguanna Posted March 2, 2014 Share Posted March 2, 2014 I guess it bothers you so much cause it's one thing to be told that you are second (the family comes first, you make plans after his family has made theirs etc) and a different (and sometimes worse) thing to be show that you are second (I take off my clothes to keep your presence secret from my first priority, my wife). In my eyes it's two different things, and I think I'd be bothered by it as well. Also it makes you suspect that he is more intimate with his wife than he claims to be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Secret Advisor Posted March 2, 2014 Share Posted March 2, 2014 Once when xMM went to take a shower to get my smell off him I presumed, I got so pissed off I sprayed Chanel Number 5 in his pants pocket and his shoes. His wife does the laundry obviously! Several times I deliberately left a fake fingernail in the car. he he he. I can be evil too. Then why would you be with a MM in the first place? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
solostand Posted March 2, 2014 Share Posted March 2, 2014 I was crazy at the time. It was a revenge affair. I also made a vow to make him wash his d*** in a gas station sink on the way home rather than use my shower. Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted March 2, 2014 Share Posted March 2, 2014 This feeling is what led to 'mistress meltdowns' for me. It was so hard to feel marginalized. I hated the fact that I felt I was living in the periphery of his life. But when you love someone, you'll put up with a lot. I'm sorry you're feeling this way, it just sucks. Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted March 2, 2014 Share Posted March 2, 2014 So, once in a while I think about the exMM. I was daydreaming about a specific encounter during which I asked him why he was so quick to take his clothes off. He said he was scared of getting makeup or perfume on his clothes. Which of course makes sense. Either way, when he said that I became SO turned off. Unreasonably bothered by it. And I'm not sure why. Obviously I knew the circumstances and hated having to sneak around, limited calls, keeping up with a "unsuspicious" schedule, but for some reason those things didnt bother me even close to how much the clothes thing did. Anyone have any idea as to why that is? Did anyone have a similar situation with a MM? This is heartbreaking to read. Please, please do not stay in a R - any R - where you are made to feel undervalued and insecure like this. If you do not feel loved and cherished, it can only be bad for you! Link to post Share on other sites
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