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Having lunch with Ex AP next week...


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Ex Ap and I work together and it is driving me crazy that we have to talk to each other for work, but that we are so curt with each other.

 

I have asked him if we can have lunch next week to talk about how we handle the fallout of our affair when we have to deal with each other regularly.

 

He has agreed to lunch, which really surprises me because last week he asked me to leave him be for now as he was dealing with the fact that my husband disclosed our affair to his wife (still not sure if she believes him or not).

 

I'm not sure what I expect from the meeting but I just don't know how to move forward when NC is not an option. The affair between him and I is always the elephant in the room when we deal with each other. I'm not even sure if he will be even willing to discuss us...

 

Am I doing the wrong thing by trying to work out a way forward of how we deal with each other in a professional way when NC is not an option?

Edited by Tarnished
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What is it that you hope to achieve by having lunch with the former AP?

 

Do you want to reignite the affair?

Do you want him to recognise his role in the affair?

Do you want to become friends?

 

Is there a specific reason why NC is not an option?

 

Do I think that it is wrong to meet him when you're working on your marriage and promised your husband NC?

Yes

 

If a re-affair is what you're looking for then lunch would be a good idea. If you're looking to end the A and move on then it's a wrong decision.

 

Do keep in mind that there's a difference between a conscious decision and an accidental mistake.

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I really hate to say this and will try to be gentle but....affairs are supposed to be private and between two people, a secret even if thats wrong, its the set up.

You cinfessed and you decided his wife needed to know, if you had to pay the piper, he did too. I believe your husband did not act alone. I am not a supporter of wrecking a home needlessly. If you felt you needed to fine, but it was his decision whether or not to reveal to his wife & you selfishly made it for him with your husband then kept contacting.

 

Either way, you damaged his marriage, revealed something you both made the adult decision to do in private. Now he is trying to pick up the peices, distance from you, move on with his life, let this go, and you wont let him.

 

YOU are creating the elephant in the room when he is trying to open the door and release it and keep quiet and professional.

 

Its pretty gross you told your husband and his wife and now you want to meet again after he explained he needs space. He prob agreed to ger you off his back.

Show some class and respect now, and keep convo to business, ger over the fact work is awkward, this is something you needed to consider in advance. Leave this man aline. He is paying, you are making it all so much more dramatic than it has to be and its none of your business or concern what's going on in his home & what he said to his wife. Clearly yoir stillseeking validation that he claimed you. Like common.

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I really hate to say this and will try to be gentle but....affairs are supposed to be private and between two people, a secret even if thats wrong, its the set up.

You cinfessed and you decided his wife needed to know, if you had to pay the piper, he did too. I believe your husband did not act alone. I am not a supporter of wrecking a home needlessly. If you felt you needed to fine, but it was his decision whether or not to reveal to his wife & you selfishly made it for him with your husband then kept contacting.

 

Either way, you damaged his marriage, revealed something you both made the adult decision to do in private. Now he is trying to pick up the peices, distance from you, move on with his life, let this go, and you wont let him.

 

YOU are creating the elephant in the room when he is trying to open the door and release it and keep quiet and professional.

 

Its pretty gross you told your husband and his wife and now you want to meet again after he explained he needs space. He prob agreed to ger you off his back.

Show some class and respect now, and keep convo to business, ger over the fact work is awkward, this is something you needed to consider in advance. Leave this man aline. He is paying, you are making it all so much more dramatic than it has to be and its none of your business or concern what's going on in his home & what he said to his wife. Clearly yoir stillseeking validation that he claimed you. Like common.

 

I disagree with the part regarding his wife. She has the right to know if her husband violated the marital vows. It's not the OM's right to decide when to tell. The OP's husband had every right to inform the OM's wife. Walk in his shoes (implies someone else bedding your spouse) before passing a judgement on his conduct. So don't blame the poster or her husband for 'damaging the OM's marriage'. He did that when he decided to start the A.

 

On the other hand, I agree with your statements concerning the poster's future behaviour. She seems fixated about the OM. I think she needs to focus on her own life and give him the chance to move on with his. From now onwards, the OM's marriage/reconciliation with his wife isn't her business and it's best if the OP stopped obsessing about the OM, especially since he threw under 'under the bus'. She willingly participated in the affair so they both share an equal blame. However, reaching out and meeting for lunch isn't the best strategy if she wants to move on.

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You are wrong to have lunch with him. That is a complete breach of NC and is an insult to your husband and his wife. If you want to go ahead with this idea then speak to your husband about it first. See what he thinks about the idea.

 

I work with the exOM and I do understand how difficult it is to deal with NC in work expecially at first but I can promise you that having lunch is just like picking at the scab. You are not going to get where you need to be like this.

 

You have to be professional. You treat him like a colleague. You don't do any personal chat whatsoever. Nothing at all. If he tries to do personal, you walk away. If a phone call will do instead of meeting then use the phone. If an email will do instead of a phone call then use email. Distance yourself.

 

With time, it does get easier. It becomes habit and you don't even have to think to do NC, it just happens.

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How can meeting the MOM for lunch possibly be good for your marriage, your husband, him, and his wife?

 

It is clear that you aren't ready to walk away. My best advice is to leave your husband today and be a single OW to your MM - that is if he still wants you.

 

Geez OP. I guess you are the type of person that has to lose everything and must learn the hard way. Hopefully, at some point you will in fact learn something about your actions and how it effects yourself and others.

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It was the MOTIVE for telling the wife that I find hard to swallow.

Its not like she was single & mm led her on or lied.

Thet both knew the other was married & she did this to spite him.

Did you not read how the husband comes into her place of work too?

All of this is so horrid to imagine they had to make sure everyone was burned.

I know every one feels the best way was to inform his spouse as well but I disagree, I feel it was his place to tell his wife not her and her husband. She felt the need to punish him and now wont even stay out of his life as if she didn't wreck everything enough.

Really this is very low and infuriating to see all these people hurt and still seeking a lunch meeting. Be probably regrets EVER meeting her.

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If the two of you have not had a chance to sit down since d'day to discuss the situation at work, then I'm not sure how this is a bad idea...as long as it is limited to discussing work and not the A or either Spouse. Do not bring anything personal or emotional into the conversation. Don't ask him what he told his W, don't ask him how he is...work situation only.

 

 

I know well how stressful and difficult it is to try to work side by side when the A ends...it is miserable and it affects your ability to do your job properly. So, I would encourage trying to work out a way to lessen that stress and tension by being able to be courteous, professional and mature...when you need to associate with him at work.

 

 

And...tell your H about it first. This isn't the time to go behind his back

Edited by Berkley
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Does your husband know about this meeting? If your husband and his wife have no idea about the meeting then it really is like continuing the affair and keeping secrets/lying and that's not right. What is the real reason for the meeting? Why do you need to talk about the fallout? Why do you need to discuss how to handle each other? Since you can't have NC, then be professional and adult about it.... I really don't think there needs to be a meeting about anything.

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It was the MOTIVE for telling the wife that I find hard to swallow.

Its not like she was single & mm led her on or lied.

Thet both knew the other was married & she did this to spite him.

Did you not read how the husband comes into her place of work too?

All of this is so horrid to imagine they had to make sure everyone was burned.

I know every one feels the best way was to inform his spouse as well but I disagree, I feel it was his place to tell his wife not her and her husband. She felt the need to punish him and now wont even stay out of his life as if she didn't wreck everything enough.

Really this is very low and infuriating to see all these people hurt and still seeking a lunch meeting. Be probably regrets EVER meeting her.

I get what you're are saying and I partially agree with you. However, I don't believe she wrecked his marriage. I doubt she put a gun to his head when they were sleeping together. Affairs are NOT healthy for a marriage. If he didn't want his wife to know than he shouldn't have chosen to have an A. There's consequences to every choice we make in life. It's not rocket science.

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Thank you for your comments - some of which I agree with.

 

I'm looking to have lunch with him as we haven't had a conversation since his DDay. Up until then we were over but friendly. Since then, we've not spoken as he asked for some space.

 

The fact that he has now agreed to speak to me says that he is now also willing to finalise "us" and shut the door on it so we can move on professionally.

 

I'd be lying if I said I don't still have feelings for him or miss his friendship, but I know what's at risk by relapsing so that won't happen.

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1. Do you think that a secret meeting with the OM will infuriate your H?

If this is the case, do you intend on meeting him after telling your H?

 

2. A word of caution. It's very easy to experience those feelings again and restart the A. I'd hate to see you posting about how you couldn't help but fall back into an A.

 

3. Focus on your H. Is he angry? Sad? What steps are you two taking to address the fallout from the A?

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So this isn't a "professional" work related lunch. It's Personal and about your A with MM. Does MM Know this lunch date is about your personal feelings, validation, how His Dday went etc... OR are you misleading MM as well with having a "professional" lunch to work out how to Move Forward as employees??

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Thank you for your comments - some of which I agree with.

 

I'm looking to have lunch with him as we haven't had a conversation since his DDay. Up until then we were over but friendly. Since then, we've not spoken as he asked for some space.

 

The fact that he has now agreed to speak to me says that he is now also willing to finalise "us" and shut the door on it so we can move on professionally.

 

I'd be lying if I said I don't still have feelings for him or miss his friendship, but I know what's at risk by relapsing so that won't happen.

I honestly don't think it's a good idea to meet him for lunch. What you're seeking is closure. Because of the nature of an A, closure often times is not an option. Why do you have to be super friendly with him at work? I work with people who I don't like at all. I keep all of my conversations work related and it works fine.

 

If you do go to lunch, will your H know about it? If not, what happens if your ex OM decides to inform your H that you asked him to lunch? I think you'd be avoiding a lot of potential drama if you cancel the lunch plans. You guys crossed the line and the platonic friendship pre A no longer exists.

 

I know it's hard, but you only have 2 options here.

1- Find a way to deal with working with him. Accept that he wants space and doesn't want to converse with you unless it's work related.

2- Find another job.

 

OP, I wish you the best, but if you want to reconcile with your H, you can't have any more secrets.

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Just an update...

 

There will be no lunch.

 

We have spoken and sorted it out - there will be no contact other than what is necessary for business from either side.

 

Based on our conversation it sounds as though he is still denying the affair to his wife, although she keeps asking him questions based on my husband's email and phone call. (I said to him that I wouldn't ask him if he had now told her - that's your choice - but it sounds like you haven't).

 

I guess she may contact me one day, or not... Depends on what she wants to believe...

 

So today I finally move on - all that can be said between us has been said and all that can be done has been done... Nothing more to wonder about where he's concerned...

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Just an update...

 

There will be no lunch.

 

We have spoken and sorted it out - there will be no contact other than what is necessary for business from either side.

 

Based on our conversation it sounds as though he is still denying the affair to his wife, although she keeps asking him questions based on my husband's email and phone call. (I said to him that I wouldn't ask him if he had now told her - that's your choice - but it sounds like you haven't).

 

I guess she may contact me one day, or not... Depends on what she wants to believe...

 

So today I finally move on - all that can be said between us has been said and all that can be done has been done... Nothing more to wonder about where he's concerned...

 

That's good. But honestly ever considering a meeting with him alone could cost you your marriage...yet you were willing to risk it.

 

You want things a certain way at work? All you have to do is participate in a way that shows you won't interact. No response, nothing.

 

But I think you wanted lunch for other reasons - you intended to tempt him into starting again.

 

Glad he had enough sense not to meet up.

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Why not get a new job?

 

Did your H know you planned lunch with your OM?

 

A new job is not an option.

 

I will tell my H tonight that I have had the conversation with him and what was said. No secrets... More than he's doing with his wife!!!!

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A new job is not an option.

 

I will tell my H tonight that I have had the conversation with him and what was said. No secrets... More than he's doing with his wife!!!!

 

And then also tell him you asked to meet him for lunch, ok?

 

Your H has every right to expect you to discuss any and all plans and interactions with him AHEAD of time.

 

Anything less and you're still being sneaky and with holding truth...

 

 

Would you quit the job if your H said he's divorcing you if you don't leave the workplace?

Edited by 2sunny
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does your husband know about this meeting? If your husband and his wife have no idea about the meeting then it really is like continuing the affair and keeping secrets/lying and that's not right. What is the real reason for the meeting? Why do you need to talk about the fallout? Why do you need to discuss how to handle each other? Since you can't have nc, then be professional and adult about it.... I really don't think there needs to be a meeting about anything.

 

 

 

b i n g o.

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A new job is not an option.

 

I will tell my H tonight that I have had the conversation with him and what was said. No secrets... More than he's doing with his wife!!!!

 

 

 

Lincoln freed the slaves.

 

 

Are you chained to your desk?

 

 

They make you wear one of those invisible fence collars?

 

 

You and your BH need NC.

 

 

Go find a new job ASAP.

 

 

You, your BH, and marriage will never heal without NC.

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A new job is not an option.

 

I will tell my H tonight that I have had the conversation with him and what was said. No secrets... More than he's doing with his wife!!!!

 

What did your H have to say about you having a personal discussion with your OM? Did you tell him you asked to meet for lunch?

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experiencethedevine
Thank you for your comments - some of which I agree with.

 

I'm looking to have lunch with him as we haven't had a conversation since his DDay. Up until then we were over but friendly. Since then, we've not spoken as he asked for some space.

 

The fact that he has now agreed to speak to me says that he is now also willing to finalise "us" and shut the door on it so we can move on professionally.

I'd be lying if I said I don't still have feelings for him or miss his friendship, but I know what's at risk by relapsing so that won't happen.

 

 

 

 

What total horse manure.......................

 

 

These very words indicate that you are seeking his attention, and not just professionally either...............

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