tchrgrl Posted February 5, 2014 Share Posted February 5, 2014 I am wondering if anyone else is/has struggled with wanting to respect the boundary of NC because that is what AP has asked AND wanting to behave in a sort of vengeful way (not-violent) just hints to the wife, phone calls etc.? I am 2 weeks NC, one month since seeing him....he wants to work on his marriage etc. I am torn between respecting that and wanting to just blow things up as I feel so hurt about this. I try to tell myself that if I had asked for NC, I would want him to honor it and not be afraid he's going to show up at my door! I feel like a "friend" has asked me to do something for them and I need to. Yet, on the other hand, I feel like I gave so much for this person to literally be like "thanks for the past 18 months but I'm all set now" and that makes me really mad leading to the fantasy of knocking on his door to chat with his wife! I would obviously lose so much in doing this (I have a H and kids who know nothing) so he's pretty secure in the fact I won't do anything. And the twisted part is, in the back of my mind, I think if I act really crazy, he'll never want to come back. If I act like I don't care, he might.....I can barely admit that but hope someone knows what I am feeling. Link to post Share on other sites
inappfriendly Posted February 5, 2014 Share Posted February 5, 2014 I know exactly how are you feeling. I totally get that you feel used and disposed of. MONTHS later and I still struggle with wanting to get revenge. I could if I wanted to. I have tons of ammo. I don't simply because I AM BETTER THAN THAT and SO ARE YOU! Respect his choice. It took me a very long time to realize it was the right choice for my exMM to make. Particularly when both parties are married with kids. As you read through the posts on LS, you will see how similar the stories and feelings are surrounding extramarital A's. This helped me come to turns with the disappointing reality that our "relationship" was not magical or special. It was what it was. And now it is over. Cherish the memories, if you want, but don't live in the past. He was not a god. Nor was he yours. You were meant to live for so much more. All the best! 5 Link to post Share on other sites
sunburned Posted February 5, 2014 Share Posted February 5, 2014 I never venture to answer the "do I tell" question. I am in no position. But I can tell you I have entertained the same thoughts on revenge. But, selfishly, my own security would be at risk. That's why "smart" (yes, a bit of a stretch ...) married people have As with other married people. Similar risk profiles. Unspoken code of silence. If you are willing to have your own marital life upended and face the music, then be brave and go for it. I even understand the emotion behind your last paragraph. I felt some of that too in the very early stages of NC. That will pass. Your feelings are still raw. You must accept it is over on someone else's terms, but over nonetheless. Otherwise, I think inappropriately friendly makes some very good points and offers an emotionally mature perspective. You should probably wait another month or two to let your feelings settle before making any decisions that cannot be reversed. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tchrgrl Posted February 5, 2014 Author Share Posted February 5, 2014 Thank you inappfriendly, what you said was well worded and I will reread it multiple times I'm sure. I'm sorry to hear that you are also struggling 5 months later, I imagine I will be the same! Sunburned, thank you for understanding the emotion in that last paragraph. I am stunned that a semi-rational person like myself would keep holding out hope. I thought that with both of us being married it would be a similar risk situation but I do realize now that we wanted VERY different things from the A. I was looking for love/attention, he was looking for casual sex. I also knew that he had no children and would want that one day -no longer an option for me! I do see him as not the greatest catch most days and need to start erasing the fantasy world I had created for us both. Some days that's easy and obvious, other days, I want to jump off the roof screaming!!!!! Thank you both for listening and replying. This is what I have to do to NOT send him a hateful text or phone call.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenPrincess Posted February 5, 2014 Share Posted February 5, 2014 I thought that with both of us being married it would be a similar risk situation but I do realize now that we wanted VERY different things from the A. I was looking for love/attention, he was looking for casual sex. You mean you're looking for love & attention and are done with your M? Does your H know about your A already then?? Link to post Share on other sites
twosadthings Posted February 5, 2014 Share Posted February 5, 2014 You're kidding yourself, you're still in the midst of your affair no matter how much guilt you say you have and may protest you're no longer in contact. You're going to have to wise up about your situation if you're to avoid a calamity. Just sayin', Twosadthings Link to post Share on other sites
Author tchrgrl Posted February 6, 2014 Author Share Posted February 6, 2014 My marriage is essentially done, no love or affection there, my husband does not know about the A. I have no idea what you're talking about twosadthings??? I don't consider myself in an affair with someone who has ended it. Because I still have feelings around it? If that's the case, I'll always be in this situation! Not sure how else to "wisen up".... Link to post Share on other sites
PurpleCardigan Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 tchrgrl, My situation was a little different in that I am single and he was married, but I was so surprised at how I could go from this smart, rational, logical person to someone who thought dropping subtle hints like cards, letters, phone calls, anonymous facebook, etc to his wife. I, too, have the "proof". Oh man, did I ever what him to hurt like I was hurting! Of course, I had to hurt his wife to get to him. In the heat of my tears, I'll admit that I didn't consider that as much as I should have. Nevertheless, I'm still not sure where that desire to hurt came from, except that I felt used and betrayed and he was back in his comfortable, stable life like nothing had happened. I didn't do it, and am glad that I didn't. Two things stopped me. One was something I posted here which was -- what if there is no dday? What happens to the marriage? The response was overwhelming that it would always be tough, unhappy and never have a true reconciliation/love/trust. It made me sad for both of them. I realized that I wouldn't be hurting either my ex or his wife as they were already hurting. I wasn't going to throw salt on that wound. Let them handle it as they saw fit, and if xMM didn't tell...then that was his guilt to live with (his marriage situation is different than yours in that despite what he said, he clearly loves his family and wants to stay there). I'm not doing a great job of explaining my thoughts, but basically there was enough hurt in that marriage from his affair and other issues that I wasn't going to contribute to any more hurt. The other thing was, and I'll be honest here, was that he made it very clear that he could "cut people out of his life in an instant and never look back" (his words which in hindsight gave me a very clear message that I didn't get initially). I didn't want to be cut out because I still had hope for our relationship. As NC/LC (we work together but different sites so there is limited contact) kept going, I realized that I'm working my way through the grieving process. I'm mostly angry now but definitely moving toward indifferent. So even though that hope kept me from contacting her initially, now other emotions have taken over. The good part of this is that I was able to process my emotions from the relationship without the drama of a dday or being fully cut off or something else like being professionally embarrassed. I was able to step back, in my own time, and see my ex in a different light. I'm not sure that I'll ever know who he truly was, but I could see the negative character traits that led to some of his life decisions. I'm not saying it's been easy or short but I'm getting there and maybe you will too (if that's what you want). But in the meantime, I so understand the desire to tell so that he hurts as much you and I do/did. Good luck. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tchrgrl Posted February 6, 2014 Author Share Posted February 6, 2014 Wow PurpleCardigan....I can't thank you enough for taking the time to write that. I saw myself/situation in so many parts of your post. I am very happy that we had no DDAY and I do know that his marriage will never be the same after the A. Mine will certainly not be the same either but I am in such a different place than he is with regards to being married etc. Your words were very powerful to me and one of my motivators to not get back at him through crushing his wife is the fact that my own family will be crushed in the process. I try to imagine my children's faces when that anger surges in me. I NEVER intended to or want to hurt them because I behaved selfishly. I loved your part about seeing them in a different light as time goes on. I do have those moments of clarity mixed in with the extreme sadness. He was a selfish and often unkind person due to his past and I tolerated more than I should have. Reading posts on here are sometimes helpful. Thank you again : ) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PurpleCardigan Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 Anytime You helped me out with a reply to a question I asked you about staying in a marriage for children. I was touched by your forthrightness when you didn't have to be and could have been ripped to shreds by other posters. It really helped me then and I'm glad that I could return the favor. I wish you the best in your journey! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
inappfriendly Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 Yay, Tchrgrl and PurpleCardigan, for keeping it real and positive. So many times things can get ugly here on LS. Like any of us needs THAT! Offering insight, support and compassion is so much more helpful than browbeatings! We are all human, we err, we live and hopefully learn! Wanted to share that I woke up this morning with a strange (and rare) feeling of peace regarding my situation. Lately I have been upset with myself for obsessing over what his home life is like now. My emotions about this have been all over the place! Today, however, I realized that no matter what, it's all good. If his life at home is stable and if his M has improved as a result of his coming clean after infidelity, then good for them. It is natural to want the people we love to be happy and if he is, then so am I. On the flipside, if things are a hot mess for him, then GOOD. That ********* deserves it! Lol! Sorry if that sounds worse than I intended it to but it has really helped me recently to badmouth him a bit. Knock him off the pedestal. See that he, too, is human and should not be held any more responsible for MY HAPPINESS than I am. All the best! 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tchrgrl Posted February 7, 2014 Author Share Posted February 7, 2014 Thank you Purplecardigan, I'm glad I was able to help! And inappfriendly, I completely agree about the negativity on here, so unnecessary! I'm all about the support and compassion, we beat ourselves up enough.... I am so happy for you and the sense of peace you felt today. We do love them and want them to be happy in the end though I totally LOL'd about it being not so great either!!!!!! I, too, try to spend mental energy on knocking my AP off his pedestal. When I really look at how he treated me overall, I'm not losing that much! Good luck to both of you : ) 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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