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Six more months...


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I've put up with his sh*t for 10 months now. Not so sure I can deal with 6 more with less contact.

 

I am involved with a MM. We didn't become involved with one another until he made the decision he wanted a divorce and told his wife. It took him 9 months after that to file for a divorce. This was partly due to he's afraid of losing his kids and partly due to she kept threatening to file and he was hoping she would.

 

Well, he finally filed and she's recieved the paperwork but hasn't sent back a reply. It's been a month since she was served. If there's anyone here from TX who's been through a divorce, how long does the other party have to send back a reply?? Also how long is the wait for a court date?? He doesn't think she intends to contest anything. She's just drawing it all out as long as she can. Probably hoping he'll change his mind about wanting a divorce. Or she thinks she can keep him from getting one. I know she can't keep him from getting a divorce, but what exactly happens if she doesn't send back a reply??

 

Anyway, he's filed, she's got the paperwork, and she knows about "us". She packed up and walked out a week ago and left him with the kids. I know this is tough for everyone. He's not used to having to take care of the kids, the house, and work. And the kids don't understand why this is all happening.

 

I am trying hard not to be selfish. But I don't understand why he has less to do with me now than he did before he filed. The kids know me, and I've told him we could take them out to the lake or something sometime and just hang out together. That way he doesn't have to try to find someone to babysit them and he doesn't have to tell them he's got to go somewhere for awhile (though they're used to him going to work at all hours). And it's not like he'd be introducing them to someone new.

 

It's been over a month since I've gotten to see him. He won't tell me it's over between us (quite the contrary) but at the same time he refuses to make an effort to even come see me. I'm lucky anymore to even get a phone call.

 

E-Gads, after puting that in writing I wonder *what the hell is my problem???* You all are probably thinking I should be happy that he's making an effort to divorce his wife. I am. I really am. It's just hard not being able to see the man I love. It was hard before, and it's going to be harder still till their divorce is final. If all goes well he should be a free man in 6 months. Then I'll be able to go to his house and not worry about her being able to say anything about it. I just have to try to keep my emotions under control until then. I must keep reminding myself it things aren't a cake walk for him right now either.

 

OMG!!! Don't get me wrong. I'm not happy that he's decided to seperate the family in any way. If there was any hope of saving their relationship I would try pushing him to do so. But there's not and in the long run (even if he's not with me) the divorce will be best for everyone.

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There are a couple of things that really concern about this situation..first of all, as someone who has gone through a divorce....I don't think that your SO has had time to really ready himself for a new relationship..he is still dealing with the old and realistically cannot have completely grieved and recovered and be ready for a full relationship...you are seeing this in that he is only partially available to you.....You deserve more and he needs much more time before he gets serious with anyone...it's really not fair of him to be stringing you along....Also, the no contact thing....well, I went through this with someone who wouldn't end it, but then kept up the silent treatment....best to let him go and maybe somewhere down the road you guys would have another chance when he was more ready, but right now, this sounds like torture for both of you. Sorry

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snilljente,

 

I understand completely what you're getting at. However, they were never really close. Never really in love. Their marriage was one of convenience more than anything. It was also long over before I met him. They just had other means of taking care of things rather than divorce. For instance, he'd accept more of the out of state jobs that were offered just so he didn't have to be with her. When he was home and had to deal with her he'd basically just stay drunk.

 

It's not just me he's become so distanced from. He's withdrawing from everyone. As for cutting all contanct with him and starting again when his divorce is final. I've already given that a lot of thought. I have my reasons why I won't do it. He respects me enough that he will do the no contact thing if I tell him that's what I want though he really doesn't want to break it off. I truly believe he does love me and is just having a hard time with coping with everything right now.

 

I know she threw the kids on him and left hoping he'd have a hard enough time of it that he changes his mind and asks her back. It's also her way of keeping us from being together. As my cousin pointed out to me, she may know about "us" but he's probably just trying to avoid making it worse by allowing her to actually catch us together.

 

I've given him 10 months so far, I'm going to tough out another 6.

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And then it'll be another six while the kids get used to the new nanny and another six after that because it's the middle of the school year.....

 

There are a few million stories like this. Many are on LS.

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Originally posted by Kizzyfur

snilljente,

For instance, he'd accept more of the out of state jobs that were offered just so he didn't have to be with her. When he was home and had to deal with her he'd basically just stay drunk.

 

Red flag! Red flag! Instead of dealing with his problems, he gets drunk, in front of his kids.

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You sound like a really caring person to be so patient and understanding.....kind of like me....people like us who genuinely care about other people and feel their suffering are very good at justifying their actions.....It doesn't matter if his marriage was bad or not, he shuts you out instead of tackling the issues with you as a team...this isn't much of a relationship...I know this is painful to hear, but he's not in a good place (the drinking) and until he is whole, he doesn't have much to offer relationship wise....

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I know my story isn't unique.

 

Moi,

You've read my post about "child abuse". I was already the kids "nanny" for six months last year. We do get along great. I've even dealt with the school thing. They respect me and actually mind me better than they do their own mother. I also respect them and I do respect her enough that I will never try to replace her as their mother. She is still their mother even if she's not much of a mom. Besides, they're used to having to become accustomed to a new "nanny" ever so often. If he and I stay together and he does get the kids, they won't have to go through that anymore.

 

I know that it could take longer than 6 months if she does decide to contest anything. According to Texas law, she's not eligible for alimony. He says she can have the house and her car and everything else. All he wants is the kids, his truck, and a few possessions he had before they married. The only thing he's willing to fight for though, is the kids. With the information I gave him, he shouldn't have much of a problem there. Especially if he can get his mother and the latest "nanny" to testify as well.

 

Metilda,

He has actually cut down on the drinking dramatically since we got together. He is rarely ever drunk anymore except on occassions like the fourth of July when his brother got to come home from Iraq and they went out. He is quitting for himself, for the kids, and for me. He never got drunk in front of the kids. Yes, he drank in front of them. To them, beers for dad were like cokes for them (they just knew they weren't supposed to have any). He never got violent or careless with them. And if he was going to get real drunk, it was always after they were in bed. I don't justify what he did as being right. But now, he's also realized his mistakes and is trying to better himself.

 

Snilljente,

I know he should be including me while he's tackling issues. I don't like the idea of him trying to deal with it all on his own. I have tried convincing him that he can't just shut me out with the rest of the world if he wants me in his life. He has told me he will try harder not to. I also know his wife doesn't make that easy for him. She has him walking on eggshells right now. He has actually made more of an effort to call a little more often. I haven't been making that easy for him either as I've been having a hard time dealing with not getting to see him and it comes up (rather harshly at times) on the phone when he does call.

 

I pushed him to file for divorce after he'd made the decision to do so and be with me. It took awhile (not as long as a lot of the MM I've read about on LS), but he finally did and I don't see how I can just drop him now just because things are getting tougher on me. At the same time, everything is harder for him too and now is when he needs the support most. I know I shouldn't have to put my needs on hold while he does whatever he's doing to take care of his problems right now. I want to be there for him. I wish I could be there for him. I wish there was more I could do to help him through all of this. I don't want to cut all contact with him. I want to be there when he needs someone to talk to. Which means I have to quit being so selfish about not getting to see him because it's only adding to the fire he's having to deal with. But yes, at the same time he should be making some sort of an effort to see me. I'm thinking though, that if he's unable to come by even just to pick up the $1000 check I have for him (from an insurance claim), that there's a good reason.

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Just a warning. Filing and actaully finalizing the divorce can take a long time. I have been waiting 2 yrs already for my man. A lot of things impact how long it takes. Esp if she is bitter, she can slow the process. Speaking from exp, i would ask him to contact you when finished. I am miserable and still waiting. If i could go back , i would not have stayed during the process. Now it is becoming final and he is shutting me out from all the stress. Save yourself some pain and let him find you when its over. it is sooo hard.

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one more thing...i have not seen him for 7 months!!!! This is a LDR too. I know this is a hard time for him, but I asked him if we should break up and he says no? Then he ignores me for 3 weeks and I still have not talked to him.

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He says she can have the house and her car and everything else

 

Tell him NOT to do that :eek: I've known guys who have done that and been sorry about it. The problem is that kids are expensive and he needs household things for them - which cost money. Tell him to go for whatever marital settlement the state recommends - if it's 50-50, go for it. He'll be extremely sorry if he hands it all over to her - and it's not fair anyway.

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  • 2 weeks later...

being ignored is not a good sign. ever, no matter what.

if a person cannot be with you and think deep and important things or turn to you during a crisis what kind of life will you have together?

he is underrating your emotional invesment in all this and frankly, being completely selfish. the "oh i need space" argument is going to be used against you for the rest of your life.

also, is he expecting you to take on more of a parental role with his kids than he is prepared to take on himself?

i dont know, playing nanny to someone elses kids sounds more like a job to me than a relationship. if the burdan isnt shared completely then you arnt the "other woman", youre house-staff.

respect is the key here and it looks like for all the love in the world, you arnt going to get any respect as a human being.

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