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he wont have sex with me. deep emotional connection


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I have been involved with my married man for 10 monthes now. i beleive we have a what someone has reffered to as a marriage alternative affair. it is like we have this real relationship. his wife is such a non issue it is like she does not exist. we are the best of friends, spend almost every evening together ( he still goes home at night, and i have a son so he cant stay), and carry on like we are well, married. but the thing i dont understand is that we have not had sex. we have done it all, except intercourse. i dont know why he does will not do it. every other intimate thing we have done has been very slow as well, maybe he is just slow moving? i am alright with it as i love him and will wait it out. i jsut wonder if this is something anyone else has expeirenced in the OW/MM situation.

 

and as for the wife, i dont know. he doesnt talk about her he is never ever home, i cant imagine what the hell she is still there for, i find it difficult to ask him about it. i feel as if maybe he is waiting for her to leave him, but that is probably me being naive. i just know he feels the same about me, i see it in the way he looks at me, and holds me and talks to me. i cant believe i am in this situation. but i guess no one ever thinks they wouldbe

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I've been involved with a married man for about six months now and we have not had sex yet. It's a very difficult relationship as it is and I wonder sometimes what it is I'm holding onto but the reason we've never had sex is because I am the first woman in the 10 years of his marriage that he's strayed. Although he is completely miserable he doesn't want to end it because he's "cheated" .... he wants to end it because he's not happy and she does'nt make him happy.... SO maybe your man (I'll use the term loosely, I hate that just as much as you do) is going through the same issue.... he wants to leave on his own terms. NOT because there's another woman.

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Sorry, I don't mean to be horrid, but his wife is not a non-issue nor non-existent. He goes home to her EVERY NIGHT. And you have no idea what goes on between the two of them behind closed doors. Just keep that in mind. It could be that she's still there because she loves him...just a thought.

I wish I had some advice for you, but I really don't think he should be having sex outside of his marriage, so I don't know. But if it bothers you, you should discuss it with him. Talk to him about it.

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whichwayisup

Hi Blue. I agree with Girlie. Be as open and honest as you can with him. If you two are close friends you should able to discuss anything. And yes, you don't know what happens behind closed doors at his home. I don't think you really want to know either, but it seems he's holding back from you for that intimacy he may/may not feel.

 

Bleu, I think if he's that miserable in his marriage then he needs to end it...There is no point of keeping both of you on a thread of string...I don't know your full situation but right now it seems he is having his cake and eating it too. If he is that unhappy then he should do something about it..Either fix his marriage or get out.

 

All the best to both you.

 

WWIU

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You said in your first post that you "have done it all except for intercourse" THAT is why he keeps coming back.

His wife probably will not give him oral sex and so he turns to "another" for that. I'll bet you money that his wife

and he have some pretty great sex but she is not willing to do what you do.

 

I challenge you to withold from oral sex and watch his reaction. I know I am right. Many, many women won't have oral

sex because to them it is disgusting!

 

This is NOT the first time I have heard this.

 

 

Bubbles

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I agree with bubbles! Read her response and seriously stop and think about what YOU said and what she said....I bet this has A LOT to do with why he is "with" you and he won't have actual intercourse (maybe because this way he doesn't consider it "cheating" totally)

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littleflowerpot
Originally posted by Girlie

Sorry, I don't mean to be horrid, but his wife is not a non-issue nor non-existent. He goes home to her EVERY NIGHT. And you have no idea what goes on between the two of them behind closed doors. Just keep that in mind. It could be that she's still there because she loves him...just a thought.

I wish I had some advice for you, but I really don't think he should be having sex outside of his marriage, so I don't know. But if it bothers you, you should discuss it with him. Talk to him about it.

 

you weren't being horrid. you were only telling the truth.

 

blue, i don't know how you could believe that his wife is a non-issue and non-existent because he doesn't talk about her. in fact, maybe you find it too difficult to ask about her because you're afraid to find out that she actually loves him? even if things aren't perfect, she might be sticking around because she loves him and wants to work things out? with my ex-husband, he cheated on me often and i didn't know for certain but i had instincts in my gut that let me know. still, i loved him and hoped i was wrong. still, i loved him and wanted to try to make it work. now i wonder if he was telling his other women the same things this guy is telling you. there is no way his wife is a non-issue because she is his wife. if she were a non-issue, he would have left her already.

 

also, you say you don't know what she's sticking around for but honestly i don't know why you're sticking around. you are too afraid to even ask him questions and how can that make for a good relationship?

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I agree with Bubbles. EVERYTHING but sex .... I'm assuming he's getting some sexual pleasure being with you. See if he keeps coming back for just conversation..... that's when you know you have something special when a man keeps coming back just for the pure pleasure of your company. Married or not ..... connections happen and if the relationship is real things will work out in the end.

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Oral sex, when done well, is a supergue that holds many extramarital affairs together. The OW believes it's love, and the MM knows it's all about the explosive orgasm at the end of a good BJ. I bet he doesn't get BJs at home or, if he does, they're perfunctory.

 

He also could be doing Clintonesque rationalizing: namely, a bj is not intercourse, thus he's not being unfaithful. Or he simply found a neat division of labor: real sex (ie, intercourse) with the wife and oral sex (ie, BJs) from the girl friend.

 

Alot of the time it is about sex...

 

:)

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She won't know that though until she stops the sexual relationship and puts the focus on "them" and what even attracts them to begin with. He may or may NOT be in it for the fooling around I'm sure there's more to this woman than a good bj!!

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i have tried it. we dont always fool around or whatever you want to call it. and we have been "together" for almost 10 monthes now and that just started about 4 monthes ago. so i dont know. we have long conversations all the time, we talk on the phone like 3 times a day for hours. a lot of the time we just sit around and talk and watch game shows together.

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  • 2 weeks later...

oh men, why is it like this. you are his pal, and having great fun, relaxed together, he doesnt have to face the real world of bills, and responsiblities of family matters. Heck at home, he's probably being nagged to clean his room, pick up his ****, do this do that, and with you there is still RESPECT and so it is so nice to be there and share. He probably wants to please u and does this with the sexual touching, its his way to give back, AND Yet, he loves his wife, yet their love is not this fun stuff, like you share, their spark is gone, it day in day out, your the excitement, why wouldn't he look forward to spending time with you. AND yet he is a man, and likes touching, BJ's and giving them, he will let this go on and on as long as you let it go on. Unless the wife finds out and then you will left in a lurch, trying to understand what happened. For him the game has to end, or else...he will lose to much face with her family, their friends.

You mentioned you have a kid, please consider what will happen to your child when, he does have to leave. The trama, how will he understand, why he was left. That effect will be quite an imprint on the kid.

You deserve a full time man, keeping a relationship fresh even at year 10+ is hard work. Take what you know will work to get a friendship on the roll, and work at keeping your own marriage together. The odds are not in your favor. Its not normal to be the other woman, no matter how you try to rationalize it, (as I have) its not right. besides being painful, and demeaning to yourself.

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Blue1234

 

I'm in the very same situation that you are in, we have been seeing each other for close to a year now and like you, I have only been with my MM twice. We were friends for so many years before this, it is hard to understand how or what the relationship is between the two of you. My MM tells me he loves me and even said this before we were romantically involved, so I understand.

 

However, now I'm getting to the point,(after reading a lot of the posts here), that I don't want to settle. I am afraid of how things will be with us after it's all said and done, I know that things will never be the way they were between us before the complications came into the picture, but I have to move on and find out. It is hard, and when you feel or have a deeper connection than just sex, it does make it harder. Like they say only time will tell how things will be.

 

Yes, 98% of affairs are for the sex, but there are a few out there that are not. Let him go and if he does love you and then he will find a way to be with you. I'm taking my own advice guys, so no backlash. :p

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wild one, yes 98% of the relationships are about the sex. The only way to know if yours is the same is to let it go. I was in mines for 8 months. I lost mine to God, not his wife. It just happen today. So it is fresh. The only reason I am not crying my heart out and dying is because of this board. There is alot of good advice, and good people to help you withe this matter. I m grateful

 

My relationship was not just sex either although it started that way initially. I will say that the longer you stay, the harder it gets to leaave, the more pain will be felt. These are chances we take when we mess with these mm. It is not very fun when the relationship ends. You can be devasted. It can honestly go either way. Just please be careful you dont get hurt very badly.

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Why not cut the crap and send an anoynomous note to the wife saying her H is cheating.

Then see what happens. Will she leave him? Will he leave her for you? Geez..... gotta wonder??

(Intercourse or not, he's still cheating.)

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