jesienna31 Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 Hi, really need so advise. I was dating a married men from work for over a year. It was with ups and downs but I finally decided to quit it. We knew it will never progress towards anything serious, we were more friends with benefits that anything else but I did develop feeling for him and it was much harder for me, especially that he had less and less time on his hands to see me. I tried to break it few times before but always were getting back together. I finally said enough when he really started to ignore me a lot and became quite emotionally manipulative ( i think he had some Narcissistic traits). I think maybe he was trying to break it but didn't want to hurt me so just played with me and waited for me to say stop. Anyway it is hard to let it go... Going back to my question...he went for holidays with his wife now for more then a month to see his family. I did see him in the office shortly before he left to wish him a nice time. The fact that he went away gave me the space and time to breath and heal... I sent him only one email just trying to be friendly and said to take care and enjoy the holiday. In the meantime one of his friend's wife got in touch with me, she didn't know we were seeing each other. She is also a very good friend of his wife...(they both were suspicious at some point about me and "mr X") I got to know her though him and I was invited once to her place since she had a baby. I felt quite uncomfortable doing that but somehow I did it. ANyway, I suggested a coffee together in town without thinking about it twice. We chatted for like 3 hours, nothing about my married ex... We were with our kids so she wanted to take some pictures. Then I saw she posted them on Facebook... A bit too much for me... I trully didn't expect that to happen. Now I am sure Mr X and his wife saw that I was hanging out with her.. well it was all a bit strange since I did not plan or expect things to go this way. I was trying to maintain NC and now worried I simply jeopardised my efforts... She suggested another get together, but I feel quite uncomfortable about it all. I was part of the whole cheating scene with mr X... Also I can't stop obsessing now about what is he thinking about me... Is he thinking that i met her because I want to keep a feet in his life? I am worried he might think I am seeking his attention, which is not true. But does it look like that? Also i am worried that he might think I am trying to talk now behind his back, which is not true either. I really want to be sure that he knows that whatever happened between us will always stay between us only. I am worried if he is trusting me on that. I keep worrying that something will go wrong and I will loose the trust and respect in his eyes, which was always there.... Please help, how do I help this situation... shall I do any explanations to him now? Link to post Share on other sites
AutumnMoon Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 It's ok sweetheart just breathe! I'm like you.. I overthink and over analyze everything too! I am always wondering what my MM is thinking about me and if he reads into everything I do.. He is kind of full of himself and I assume they probably do believe we are trying to get their attention even when we're not. If you are uncomfortable with getting close to her just find something else to keep you busy, turn down a few offers to hang out, she'll get the hint. But if you genuinely enjoy her company then screw it. Nurture that relationship and just try and put him out of your mind. It might help if you let him know that it will never be your intention to expose him.. But I'm guessing he already knows that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Snipercatt Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 No sweat, really. You're over-thinking. Just let it go. Now you know meeting up with this woman throws YOU in a tizzee, so don't do it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jesienna31 Posted January 20, 2014 Author Share Posted January 20, 2014 It's ok sweetheart just breathe! It might help if you let him know that it will never be your intention to expose him.. But I'm guessing he already knows that. Yeah, I am still considering that... Do you think if I send him just a quick email so he knows that I met her and just explain that it had nothing to do with him... ? I am not sure if I should do it since we broke up but at the same time we left it all on a friendly note and I was wondering if an email wouldn't do much damage here?? Link to post Share on other sites
blue963 Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 You owe him no explanation. You have a life to live away from him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jennifersmith Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 It does looks like you're trying to get to him though. If I am the man (even if I'm not narcissistic, he'd think so). Though, you really owe him no explanation. From your description, he doesn't seems to be treating you nicely when you are in an affair with him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Snipercatt Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 When in doubt, don't. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 When in doubt, don't. Agree! And, stop hanging out with that mutual friend, it's not going to do you any favours, plus, IF the truth comes out, then everybody is going to turn on you like you 'befriended' BS's friends on purpose to get info etc.. even if that is not the case. Listen to your gut, you knew you shouldn't have but chose to anyway..Don't have a next time. Focus on your other friends and family. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jesienna31 Posted January 20, 2014 Author Share Posted January 20, 2014 (edited) Thanks guys.... it gave me some emotional relief thinking I can just let it go... I am still not feeling at ease though. I know I really should step away from this social circle as you say, especially that she is also a very good friend of his wife and this put a lot of additional emotional weight on myself. I just hope he didn't mind that I met her, I know it should not matter what he thinks but I still care about him a lot and I just want things to go to well for both of us in our lives, even when in NC and apart. Edited January 20, 2014 by jesienna31 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jesienna31 Posted January 21, 2014 Author Share Posted January 21, 2014 Thanks guys.... it gave me some emotional relief thinking I can just let it go... I am still not feeling at ease though. I know I really should step away from this social circle as you say, especially that she is also a very good friend of his wife and this put a lot of additional emotional weight on myself. I just hope he didn't mind that I met her, I know it should not matter what he thinks but I still care about him a lot and I just want things to go to well for both of us in our lives, even when in NC and apart. Sorry to ask once more... I know it should not matter what he thinks but it is important for me at the moment... Does he thinks it was OK to meet up with this girl or does he thinks I crossed the line doing that? What do you think... I really want to understand his point of view on that.... Link to post Share on other sites
cozycottagelg Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 You were invited over, and you went. End of story. Who cares what he thinks. If you don't reach out to him, and he doesn't reach out to you, it ends there. You are allowed to hang out with whomever you choose. Be tough, you can do it 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jennifersmith Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 Sorry to ask once more... I know it should not matter what he thinks but it is important for me at the moment... Does he thinks it was OK to meet up with this girl or does he thinks I crossed the line doing that? What do you think... I really want to understand his point of view on that.... with little info to work on, i would say yes. If i am a real narcissist, I would want control. And meeting his wife's friend behind his back would likely angry him. But you should know him better than anyone else here... wouldn't you already knew? If you care so much how he thinks , despite he's not being even nice to you, you are getting yourself into trouble. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jesienna31 Posted January 21, 2014 Author Share Posted January 21, 2014 I guess I still want to keep the communication lines open with him and what things to be cool between us without any resentment... Is it still possible? I really trully miss him... Link to post Share on other sites
Author jesienna31 Posted January 21, 2014 Author Share Posted January 21, 2014 I know that I need to let it go... and I will move away from this circle of his friends as well and from him to. I just need this closure about the situation that happened and messed everything again... I just hope no one ever finds out about the affair, that is all. I want to make sure he was OK about me seeing this girl because I don't want him to get worried that I might have spilled some words. Simply reason- I don't want him to talk bad about me too. I just want clean ending as much as it can be with mutual respect for other people in our lives. Yes, he did cheated on his wife but he was put in arranged marriage. Yes it is his decision to stay married to that women but the cultural pressure and family connections are simply much stronger then any feelings for them I guess. We both knew what we were doing, I don't blame him I see my part in it all as well... We both went with the feeling of adventure rather then being rational and responsible. But I trully want us to walk away without drama and finger pointing for mistakes... With good memories and mutual respect. This was the reason I thought of sending him an email, making sure that he knows and trusts me that I am not doing anything behind his back... I am happy to admit to him that I shouldn't have met her that day. I won't send this email though if you guys think it is wrong. I am seeking this advise since I know I am not reasoning healthly now but I keep writing all those additional comments so you can see my point of view. If you still stick to NC- I will follow through... Link to post Share on other sites
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