What Was The Hardest Part of Ending Your A??

[LeftAlone83]

Hello LS,

 

This question goes out to both OW/OM and MW/MM. What was the hardest part of finally ending your A for you??

 

I'm struggling with NC (He and I have texted on numerous occasions, and he stopped by last night). I'm also struggling with the thought of him moving on to another girl, and trying to imagine myself being intimate with anyone else. ?

[Goodbye]

The hardest part was ending things with someone I still deeply loved. We were having wonderful times together, super romantic, lots of talk of the future (future faking on his part). Very difficult to pull the plug on something like that, which seems to have so much potential. But, when I figured out the lies, I knew it was just wrong. Wrong for me, and wrong for his wife. It was like a knife to the heart to say goodbye, go NC and MEAN IT...not just doing it to provoke him to change. All this while being a divorced mom in my 40's with zero prospects...not easy.

 

I survived, and continue to survive. He breaks NC from time to time and still tries to future fake. I don't respond to his attempts to communicate and I am mostly healed. It has been 9 months since I last saw him.

[wannabdone]

there were and still are so many things that were hard about ending it. I think its the same as the poster above - - giving up someone you love so deeply, the ending of the dream of what it could have been. Knowing you will never see or talk to someone you love in that way.

 

 

At first the day to day not hearing from him was awful. The wondering of him spending time with his W, was heart breaking.

 

 

Then, the hard part became learning to accept things I didn't & never would understand. Why did he lie? Why did God allow us to even encounter each other, etc.

 

 

Now, two years later of NC - - just weird to know there is someone out there that I will never see again, that I can still love this deeply.

[ConcreteHeart]

The hardest part for both of us was the idea on NC. We just couldn't NOT make contact and talk to each other. Many of these talks were for my benefit. He allowed me to tell him how hard it was for me, how much I missed him and he never once cut me off. He was patient and level headed. He reassured me that he cared about me, but that he could not live with himself. He was afraid all the time. He was afraid of getting caught and losing the respect of his children most of all. To this day, I still ask him if he is sure we shouldn't just go NC and block each other's numbers and he says, No. Even though the conversations now are very much "about the weather" hahaha. I think we both still need that connection.

 

Now several months later, I tend to recall memories of our time together. The romantic parts...the way he kissed me...held me...and that is hard. I dream about him often, and the strange thing is that he usually texts me a "thinking of you" the day after.

 

So he is still here with me in some small way, and always will be, but I am able to put that where it needs to be...and I carry on.

[vanellope]

the hardest part to end the A for me is,

 

he let me feel we belong together and he is in love with me, but at the same time he care his family feelings and have responsibility too. He want we focus on what we can have and think about his situation too.

 

he cannot marry me but willing to have me on his side, actually if i were him, why not keep a girl who can let you feel young and be admired but without any responsibility.

 

this situation is very difficult to end, because sometimes i feel if he is belong to me, why is me need to walk away instead of his wife who he claim only have duty. so I trap myself in this situation time after time.

 

after I think clear, after time goes by, what they have is continously build up their life but at the same time, I am the one stand at the same point, and no one is really care where I am. Now is my beautiful age and when I realized that I waste too much time in waiting him and lose my oppertunity to find my own happiness, I decide to walk away.

 

I realized he never be the one, all is illustion he gave me to keep me as a girl who can give him what he lost in his marriage.

[carhill]

Back when I was a young guy and knew little of how the world really worked, the hardest part of saying goodbye was reconciling myself to accepting that the person I had loved and treated so well would choose, after nearly eight years of back and forth, to continue with a man she despised and consistently spewed vitriol about. That was a shocking result and did damage my self-esteem in the near term. That was back when I believed women and gave them plenty of benefit of the doubt. More life experience helped in that regard. Now when women rag on their husbands and coo at me I just laugh. So predictable.

 

Anyway, that was the hardest part of ending the affair, which I did, clearly, by saying to her face 'I have to let you go' and doing so, going NC (long before I knew what that was) and dealing with the emotional fallout.

[MissBee]

I missed the friendship and being able to talk to him and share with him, as we did this everyday so it was glaringly obvious when it was gone and when I would have something I'd want to tell him and then remember that we weren't speaking.

 

But the good news is that with time the excruciating void becomes less noticeable.

[nicepuzzle]

Hardest part was to tell his wifes and breakup with his family and break up vlwith his family and friends.

[psm04]

The first few times the A ended, the hardest part was missing him, not having the person to talk to, etc. However, with this last and final time, the hardest part for me has been the realization of his true character and what our situation was for him once the A fog cleared. True family man by all standards, perfect to friends and family, but wanting satisfaction on the side. Totally conflict avoiding passive person who probably wouldn't be happy with anybody. Didn't respect my decision to not continue the A. Didn't respect the fact that I'm going 100% back to my M. Really, ending the A has been easier than beating myself up over the fact that I allowed myself to stay in the situation for years longer than I wanted to.

[inappfriendly]

I miss HIM. His laugh. His smile. As the A progressed I fell in love with him but before that I just really really LIKED HIM. We had so much fun together. I hadn't smiled that much in years. Last night I read something so funny it made me cry laughing and my first thought was to share it with him. This happens regularly. If it had been an option, I would have remained friends with him but it hurt too badly to hear about his reconciliation at home. He awakened something inside me and I was willing to risk everything to feel that way for the rest of forever. Realizing that he didn't feel the same broke me. NC is the only option for a million reasons but it is definitely the most painful part if this whole ordeal. I can't imagine this void will ever be filled.

Edited January 16, 2014 by inappfriendly

[RickFox]

Xmw and my A was brought on by a dday on my side, and the hardest part then was seeing her do an abrupt 180 and go from saying, don't worry we will still see each other to don't ever talk to me again and having her tell me her H and her magically reconnected.....which was BS.

 

The not knowing if she had found another guy to bang, the questioning if what we had was real or if I was some dumb sucker she picked out of a crowd, the anger at the betrayal (ironic because I betrayed my wife), the constant flood of emotion, not getting messages from her, seeing her in passing and having her never look over at me, or acting like I didn't exist, all of this plus more made the ending like nothing Ive ever felt.

 

Not to long ago, we spoke for a couple of months off and on and I realized, I was the one who cared way more ( I might be wrong) but found out or so she says, that for two years she was trying to fix her M and nothing has changed. I then decided to cut her off cold turkey since she seemed to be playing games and it became very apparent that I wasted alot of time pining for her and I finally felt the click Ive been waiting for, the internal click of acceptance and indifference, I just don't care anymore.

 

I don't care if she has a new man, I don't care if she secretly pines for me or has reconnected with her H, I simply....don't ......care..... Three long years later, my M is much better and I have finally *reconnected* with my wife and it's awesome.

[hippetyhop]

Knowing I lost a dear friend. We ended that he "needed me as a friend, everything else will fall into place as that is best for him." I haven't heard from him since.

 

I'm banking on after the BS found out about some things, she has him on a tight leash.

[missy268]

The hardest part for me was losing my best friend and realising he wasn't really that much of a friend, that he was full of crap and our 4 years of friendship and "love making" meant nothing (it was only 18 months of having sex/affair) I thought he was "the one" for a very long time, when i realised he never was.

 

I miss hanging out with him sometimes, but then I have to remember how much he hurt me, and any person who truly cared for me would not have hurt me the way he did

 

He is now with somebody totally new - he split up with the girl he was cheating on me with, he stopped seeing me in March 2013 when he met the new girl, 8 months later he moved in with the new girl...I see a pattern emerging with him (he moved in with his ex in after 8 months too) It may be different for him this time, who knows! if he ever decides to cheat, he will keep me out of it this time. I never want to speak to him again

 

He can't get hold of me, he is blocked on Facebook, and I blocked him from texting or calling me so if he has contacted me in the past few months i wouldn't have got it.

[894hjk]

Omg reading these mails is painful. I was in a 3 year emotional affair with a MM and he stole 3 of my childbearing years.

 

Get out of your toxic relationship now because the damage u r doing yourselves with last a lifetime n carry over to your next relationship.

 

I went NC as it was the only thing to do. Two months later I forced myself to have a one night stand to get over the MM with a guy. i cried after sleeping with him as i wished it was mm. i then ended up seeing the one night stand man for a long time, and hey he was all mine, didn't have to share!

 

But then I started to get paranoid, checking his phone, having the 3 yr affair had made me think, but this time I was thinking from the wife's perspective and it hurt a lot more.

 

I found a flirty convosation between him and a friend. I went mad. Kicked him out and he dumped me stating I was paranoid n insecure.

 

So MM had lasting damage.

 

Get out now

[MissTakes]

The things that I only shared with him.

 

I'm not talking about intimacy, or goals, or dreams, or secrets, even. I'm talking about the everyday things that were special when they were with him. I can't eat key lime pie without thinking of him, or caramels without remembering how he used to bring them for me, or drink a glass of chocolate milk post-workout without hearing him tease me for it.

 

We met because of mutual interests that are pretty rare, as well. We're both collectors, and he's the most prolific and knowledgeable that I've ever known. Every time I have a question about a piece, I wish I could just turn to him for his expertise on the topic. That sucks a lot more than I ever expected it would.

 

Then there are the moments of intimacy that make it difficult, too. The songs I can't listen to anymore, the places I can't go, because they remind me of him. The things that I used to love - hell, that I do still love - that are somehow less without him there with me. I miss being in the middle of a crowded room with him and feeling like there was no one else there. I miss his laughter, the way one look from him could start my laughter. I miss the way his arms wrapped around my ribcage.

 

But more than all of that, I miss the woman I believed I was before I became an OW. To this day, I don't often feel guilty about what happened (which I know is wrong, and odd - I'm working on that ), but I do feel an overwhelming sense of loss. Not that I've lost him: that I've lost myself. And what makes it hardest is that I know that if I let him back in, there's a good chance I would feel al little bit less lost.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Losing yourself is the absolutely worst. Besides all of the pain that the affair caused to those around us, some of the worst damage I did was to me. I lost who I really was for a long time - the strong, confident, self-assured, well respected woman - I trashed it for someone who didn't really value me (or my family) in the end and left me to rot and deal with it while he created a "new life" where no one knows - for now anyway.

 

I have almost recovered all of that - but it has taken a very long time.

 

It makes me ill. No matter how much I think I miss what we had (and I do emphasize THINK) I cannot get past the destruction that has taken place and what he did to my family.

 

I don't miss any of it.