MM... and social media

[missannoyed]

Anyone else blocked MM from social media...and then decided they wanted a sneaky look from a friends account??

 

or even to go to the extremes of creating a fake account?

 

I have ended the R about 3 months ago, blocked him from facebook...

Thought I had gotten over it, haven't thought about him in weeks.

then boom, wake up one day and decide to have a little sneak peak...

 

Here's what's eating me up...

(he normally hasn't used it in years, never goes online, and hasn't had a new friend apart from me on it in years... he doesn't have many friends, is at home with W all the time.... but after going NC with him I have realised there is a new girl added as a friend on his account almost each week?! most even look creepily similar me...... (I know I have no right to be jealous, not even getting breadcrumbs) BUT I find the psychology behind this very interesting..... and perhaps a little confusing.

 

Not usually a jealous person at all... in the slightest...but when it comes to him I'm such a sad, insecure, psychotic, whiner. egh. Just reading this back to myself makes me ashamed of the person I've become....

 

This has really gotten to me for some reason. I was slightly jealous when he was adding people from work, but not overly.....

 

AND now there's a bunch of young clones of me that are my age - no idea where they came from... considering he never leaves the house, I only assumed he just knew people from work.. I wonder where he must have met them??? so strange.

 

Just confusing considering he never used to go online, hadn't had a new friend in years, didn't care that much.... and now he's mr oh so social. Is there something I'm missing?

 

Anyone else found something they don't like on fb?

OR have any idea's to quit lurking and thinking about him?:(

[wanting more]

I haven't found anything new. Know why?? I don't look!!!

[missannoyed]

Well, That is wise.... wish I could say the same.

[whichwayisup]

You're far from over him if you're wanting to invade his personal life and snoop and lurk his account. You are reacting to what you see, why put yourself through this? Really, you're bringing this into your own life, creating strife.

 

Just stop before it becomes an addictive habit (aka feeding your feelings again for him) and you immerse yourself too much into what he is doing, who he is adding on fb etc..

 

By lurking, you're giving HIM power over you. Be strong and get back into NC mode - NC is for you so you can heal and move on, detach and not care at all what xMM does or doesn't do.

 

Also, you'll never know the answers to the why's he is doing what he's doing and your mind will obsess and create a fantasy story hooking you. Again, please just stop and focus on real and caring friends and family in your life! Wasting energy on someone who isn't in your life anymore is doing damage to you.

[missannoyed]

I don't mean to sound rude or sarcastic but if everyone is over their MM, not still thinking of them etc? why are they here on this forum?

 

I know I sound beyond pathetic.. I guess what I'm struggling with is the fact that during the R.. he was "in love with me"..... and now...

 

why am I the only one still super attached and he's just walking around happy, most likely not giving a Sh$t.. at all

[wanting more]

You're still attached because you're letting yourself be still attached.

 

It's not pathetic. I was where you are. But you have to get to a point that he doesn't matter. That if you wake up one morning and he's in your head, get rid of him. It does happen. It does take time. But it can happen if you let it. If you want it.

 

He's where he is, because that's where he chooses to be.

 

 

Im still here reading and commenting ( not nearly as much as I did in the beginning) so that maybe one woman will read something I say and it just click.

I've been thru all the ups and downs in an A. I've had 2 d-days with his BW And one with my BSO. I had xMM try to reconnect months after the d-days and because of all the reading I did here, it made it easier to not reconnect with him. To remember he made his choice to stay. And I'd made my choice to move on.

[Quiet Storm]

For some MM, its not about the particular girl, or their connection. Its about his needs, and who is willing to meet them.

 

Stop looking. It's not healthy for you. It sets you back, and then it becomes fresh in your mind all over again.

[AutumnMoon]

My MM stopped updating his social media within a couple weeks of the physical affair starting..

It's been ongoing for over a year and every so often he will like a post, mine or his wife's usually, but very few and far between. It's probably been over six months since he has. I've never asked why but I've been curious. He would say he doesn't care for social media which I know to be true except that he did a lot more before our affair started.

[AutumnMoon]

Do you think maybe your MM posts or adds friends with the idea in mind that you can somehow see?

[missannoyed]

Does your MM's wife ever notice him liking your posts?

 

I thought that at first, but I deleted my profile weeks ago...

 

it would be pretty vain of him to think I was still looking.... true none the less but, I just don't know.. I'm assuming he's just looking for a new source of attention regardless...

 

Don't understand some MM's brains - how they can just turn on and off their feelings. wish I had that special ability.

[Lady2163]

I google MM regularly. He gets awards or is in the papers probably 40 times a year. He never tells me.

 

And before someone says maybe he doesn't want you to know, he really is the most humble person I've met. I've said this before - having an affair is truly out of character for him, and I would be stunned if he ever had another one once we are done.

 

Will I google him after we are done? Maybe, but I doubt it. I'm only interested in the activities/work he is involved in because HE is involved in.

 

Ah...I have an analogy that is far enough removed.

 

Say your MM is a successful high school football coach. You could care less about football, really have never followed any team and barely know how the game is played. Yet, your MM is often acknowledged in the paper and publicly for his successes.

 

If your affair ends...do you continue to follow the sport? I wouldn't.

[missannoyed]

That analogy is fantastic..

 

If you google your MM - just word to the wise... make sure your not accidentally signed into your linkedin account if you have one....

apparently it registers a "view" of their profile even by just googling them.

 

I came to that horrifying conclusion right after I had finished googling him, his W, and half the people I use to work with.... shame.

[Lady2163]

Don't understand some MM's brains - how they can just turn on and off their feelings. wish I had that special ability.

 

Since I don't know the in and outs of your relationship, pardon please if I appear to be wrong or am overly crass.

 

It has been three months. More than likely he is horny. He wants the props in and out of the bedroom he got from you...or someone like you.

 

Sad, but often true.

 

While I said I would be stunned if the MM I am currently seeing ever has another affair, I would be even more stunned if he goes the rest of his life (probably 30 years) without breaking down and paying for it.

[Lady2163]

That analogy is fantastic..

 

If you google your MM - just word to the wise... make sure your not accidentally signed into your linkedin account if you have one....

apparently it registers a "view" of their profile even by just googling them.

 

I came to that horrifying conclusion right after I had finished googling him, his W, and half the people I use to work with.... shame.

 

I have a LinkedIn account and have never used it. I really must discontinue it.

[whichwayisup]

I don't mean to sound rude or sarcastic but if everyone is over their MM, not still thinking of them etc? why are they here on this forum?

 

I know I sound beyond pathetic.. I guess what I'm struggling with is the fact that during the R.. he was "in love with me"..... and now...

 

why am I the only one still super attached and he's just walking around happy, most likely not giving a Sh$t.. at all

 

I understand. I really am just trying to light a fire under you so you'll get pissed off enough at how much time you've wasted on a MM who's moved on and hasn't looked back. Imagine this, do you think he's giving you as much thought? Lurking your facebook, obsessing etc? Probably not, so GET mad and really try your best to cut him from your thoughts and focus your energy into yourself and people who love and care about you.

 

You're super attached because you won't let go. Are you afraid of finally grieving and going on? What's stopping you.. Don't have to answer here, just give that some thought.

 

Does your MM's wife ever notice him liking your posts?

 

I thought that at first, but I deleted my profile weeks ago...

 

it would be pretty vain of him to think I was still looking.... true none the less but, I just don't know.. I'm assuming he's just looking for a new source of attention regardless...

 

Don't understand some MM's brains - how they can just turn on and off their feelings. wish I had that special ability.

 

Many men can separate love and sex, they can turn it on and turn it off. Whether it's a (some men) male trait or a MM trait, who knows.

 

Also, assuming and thinking stuff about his life, you'll never know the real answers so please try your best not to think and over analyze too much. Give yourself a certain amount of time each day to 'think' then shut him out of your head and then get busy with your life.

[missannoyed]

That's good advice.... but I am angry....

(this is a fcked up thought process)

but I feel like I'm not done with getting mad at him... I told him not to contact me again, and he said okay, I was expected him to put up a bit of a fight.... but no

 

sometimes I secretly wish he would contact him again....

just so I could continue to get mad at him, and feel like the one who has the upper hand.... then i'd be all sweet and ready to move on.....

 

It's just the fact that he lost interest first, or felt guilty. whatever...

I hate being the one that gets dismissed first. I don't feel like i should. I don't understand male brains... it's almost like I'm not satisfied until I solve the "puzzle" of his actions. ha. like I must know the answer to his inpredictible ways first for some reason.... insanity.

[artdet]

It's just the fact that he lost interest first, or felt guilty. whatever...

I hate being the one that gets dismissed first. I don't feel like i should. I don't understand male brains... it's almost like I'm not satisfied until I solve the "puzzle" of his actions. ha. like I must know the answer to his inpredictible ways first for some reason.... insanity.

 

Sounds like he's better at this game than you. Always shoot first when someone outdrew you.

[MissBee]

Anyone else blocked MM from social media...and then decided they wanted a sneaky look from a friends account??

 

or even to go to the extremes of creating a fake account?

 

I have ended the R about 3 months ago, blocked him from facebook...

Thought I had gotten over it, haven't thought about him in weeks.

then boom, wake up one day and decide to have a little sneak peak...

 

Here's what's eating me up...

(he normally hasn't used it in years, never goes online, and hasn't had a new friend apart from me on it in years... he doesn't have many friends, is at home with W all the time.... but after going NC with him I have realised there is a new girl added as a friend on his account almost each week?! most even look creepily similar me...... (I know I have no right to be jealous, not even getting breadcrumbs) BUT I find the psychology behind this very interesting..... and perhaps a little confusing.

 

Not usually a jealous person at all... in the slightest...but when it comes to him I'm such a sad, insecure, psychotic, whiner. egh. Just reading this back to myself makes me ashamed of the person I've become....

 

This has really gotten to me for some reason. I was slightly jealous when he was adding people from work, but not overly.....

 

AND now there's a bunch of young clones of me that are my age - no idea where they came from... considering he never leaves the house, I only assumed he just knew people from work.. I wonder where he must have met them??? so strange.

 

Just confusing considering he never used to go online, hadn't had a new friend in years, didn't care that much.... and now he's mr oh so social. Is there something I'm missing?

 

Anyone else found something they don't like on fb?

OR have any idea's to quit lurking and thinking about him?:(

 

In my A social media wasn't an issue as he didn't use social media. So that was a relief.

 

You can run yourself ragged trying to piece together your ex's life through the bits and pieces you see on FB. Especially since you don't know the full story you can really get carried away reading into things or theorizing about them in ways that are wrong or even if correct, still not productive. Why is MM getting clones of you? Not sure but regardless of why, it doesn't change anything so best not get too involved in figuring it out.

 

With one ex of mine he wasn't a huge FB user either until we broke up, then he became FB King . It was attention seeking and I'm sure a lot of it for my benefit. I grew tired of his FB antics (status updates every hour, pictures of him getting dressed and doing random things, pictures of him with women, getting new gfs literally monthly and saying how inlove he was and both of them posting their whole relationship online)...I couldn't take it so deleted him. I didn't block him. I didn't create fake profiles. Once in a while I had the urge to see but for the most part avoided it as I remembered the last I looked and how upset I would be---it would almost ruin my day. So that became enough of a deterrent for me.

 

Ask your friends to not allow you to use their accounts to spy on his life. Delete your fake accounts. When you want to check on him turn off your computer, turn off your phone and do something else like take a walk, exercise, watch tv, read, call a friend, post on LS until the urge dies down. But ultimately you do it until you're tired is the truth. For me anyway, at some point looking at his social media (had to delete him off FB and unfollow him on Twitter) wasn't worth it to me and I just naturally stopped doing it.After looking for 5 minutes my whole day would be ruined or several hours of the day or sometimes my whole week. I decided that I could wait out the 10 minutes or random times of curiosity as they would pass but most likely even 1 minute of looking at his FB page/Twitter would be enough to put me in a bad mood or have me spend countless hours analyzing/thinking about him.

Edited January 13, 2014 by MissBee

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I have nothing else to add as so much good advice has been given here. I really do detest social media for this very reason - it keeps you stuck. And as others have said it doesn't matter how you twist things or try to figure it out you will never know the truth of what is happening.

 

People put up what they want you to see - very rarely is it an accurate indication of what is going on in their lives. It is narcissistic.

 

I understand how difficult it is, but miss bee is right - fight the urge because if absolutely does nothing to help you. It harms you. Do what is best for you.

[AutumnMoon]

Does your MM's wife ever notice him liking your posts?

 

I thought that at first, but I deleted my profile weeks ago...

 

it would be pretty vain of him to think I was still looking.... true none the less but, I just don't know.. I'm assuming he's just looking for a new source of attention regardless...

 

Don't understand some MM's brains - how they can just turn on and off their feelings. wish I had that special ability.

 

I don't think they can turn off their feelings so much as just put them somewhere else.. Kind of an out of sight out of mind thing. My MM tells me this is what he does. The feelings rush back if he lets thoughts of me in, or if he sees me or hears my name. We are still together but taking a break kind of.

Yes his wife knows him and I are close friends. I think it bothered her in the beginning but she is fairly confident that I'm 'better than' him and wouldn't give in to an affair. Both her and my husband think the same way if we go by things they've said. Him liking something I've posted wouldn't be a red flag at all to them.

[hurtnomorerika]

I dont feel like going into a whole drawn out reply. Like others said STOP looking at his FB or any other social media. This can start to be a bad habit to break. It will/can become an addiction. I started doing that and it only digs you further into a depressive state and make you want him again. Spending hours trying to break down a 6 word sentence is draining. Please stop.