wistfulgirl Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 I am a married woman that was in an affair that ended 8 months ago. We still kept in touch (EA) until I cut contact with fOM 3 months ago when he got a GF as wanted to try and have a "normal, healthy relationship". (He has so far never sustained a relationship for longer than 6 months and admits he freaks out when things get too close). My question is, how many fOM / OW who were themselves single and previously involved with a married person still think fondly if their married affair partner and struggle with NC? How many miss the connection and intensity of the affair and re establish contact with the married person? Or is the main feeling relief when it is over and would never look back? What are the main lingering feelings when remembering their affair once it is over? Link to post Share on other sites
Snipercatt Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 I remember them fondly and I'm relieved it's over and I never need contact. Link to post Share on other sites
megamommy Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 My affair is in a grey area right now. My ex husband contacted my MM. So MM has asked for a little space, we are still friends on Facebook which makes it very difficult. I want to just talk to hi, like we used to. We haven't said no contact but that seems to be the way it is right now. I have all kinds of feelings about it. Anger, Resentment, Love, Happiness, Relief... Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 I remember them fondly and I'm relieved it's over and I never need contact. Ditto this!! So grateful not to be in that torturous position anymore... even though I never felt more alive than when he came around - everything switched to Technicolor... and faded back into gray when he left. Kinda like in the Wizard of Oz when Dorothy lands in & out of Kansas. Sound crazy? Oh yeah... I quite agree. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 My question is, how many fOM / OW who were themselves single and previously involved with a married person still think fondly if their married affair partner and struggle with NC? Today, no, no fond thining and no struggles with NC but that's a complicated tale which evolved over more than a generation. A generation ago, after saying goodbye to an eight year off and on affair, yep, I did 'think fondly', if with sadness, and did struggle greatly with NC, but succeeded. Of course, back then it was cards/letters and a landline telephone and personal contact, so a bit different than today. How many miss the connection and intensity of the affair and re establish contact with the married person? I recall missing our 'connection' greatly and the inability to process its lack in a healthy way impelled a marked depression for a couple years. That ended back in the mid-90's and things improved and some healthy LTR's resulted and I later got married. Or is the main feeling relief when it is over and would never look back? That more accurately describes how I felt after resolving it the second time, with roles reversed. I was happy the 'business' was 'finished' and happy for her in her post-divorce life with her boyfriend. What are the main lingering feelings when remembering their affair once it is over? Very similar to the emotions I felt grieving death and divorce. I happened to grieve all three nearly contemporaneously (affair ended, marriage ended, my mother died) and found many commonalities in the processes. Fortunately, whatever we (exW and I) did in MC during that time really helped me 'move through' the stages of grief and come out the other side more peaceful than in memory. It's taken a few years (I'm about 3.3 post-D) but IMO the time was worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wistfulgirl Posted January 4, 2014 Author Share Posted January 4, 2014 Thanks For your replies. We're you able to accept that it was over and never look back or did you feel that you might have your time in the future..perhaps once their situation had been resolved / marriage ended? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 Thanks For your replies. We're you able to accept that it was over and never look back or did you feel that you might have your time in the future..perhaps once their situation had been resolved / marriage ended? Interesting question. IMO, such thoughts (of it not being over) were a part of 'being stuck' during the 'off' portions and a marked contributor to depression after the 'goodbye' portion. In a cruel twist of irony, one unknown to me at the time, the lady in question (fMW) actually filed for divorce the same month I started dating the lady who would become my wife but, having been NC for a good seven years, I would never know that until we reconnected many years later. I can imagine, with the technology and information of today, how I could have become even more 'stuck' in that unhealthy cycle, scouring the court records for evidence of a divorce filing, as it's so easy to do on the internet nowadays. I can laugh about it now but I was an affair version of a tower shooter at some points back then. Yikes. The things one does in their 20's Link to post Share on other sites
Snipercatt Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 I accept it is over and I wouldn't reconsider. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wistfulgirl Posted January 4, 2014 Author Share Posted January 4, 2014 Carhill - had you known about your fOW's divorce at the time, would you have rekindled things with her? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 Carhill - had you known about your fOW's divorce at the time, would you have rekindled things with her? Now, no. Back then, yep, probably would have contacted her. The difference? Being married and having gone through MC. In the long run, the way it worked out was probably better since she had already hooked up with the guy who would become her boyfriend over the years while both she and he were still married. Comparatively, in this realm (the realm of affairs), I was a relative innocent and likely would have been chewed up and spit out again, given what I learned in the intervening years directly from her. That's part of why I'm happy for she and her boyfriend, who now live together. They're a much better match than I would have ever been for her. Compatible. I think she knew this. Me, I wasn't so smart. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 Thanks For your replies. We're you able to accept that it was over and never look back or did you feel that you might have your time in the future..perhaps once their situation had been resolved / marriage ended? I think in the beginning, as with most breakups, A or not, this may be more of a concern, as you're still hung up on the person and it is fresh. However, with time, distance as well as perhaps forming other romantic relationships, you get over that. I have fond memories of my exAP but I do not pine for him neither do I want to be with him anymore. Are you hoping your OM is pining away for you and will come back? If you can't give him what he would need from you I don't think it's fair to want that. If you care for him you should hope he does move on with his life OR you can choose to change things so you can have an honest try as a couple. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author wistfulgirl Posted January 5, 2014 Author Share Posted January 5, 2014 I'm not sure what I want to be honest, I just really miss my fOM and wondered of its likely for him to re contact me given the circumstances. He couldn't handle the A as was getting deeper and he thought he couldn't properly be with me (although he never asked me to leave my H) but had previously maintained the bulk of the contact so wondering if he's likely to ever reach out to me again... I do love him and want him to be happy, just wish I could be the one to make him happy. Really confused about whole situation, but guess part of me does hope he still has feelings for me. Link to post Share on other sites
atreides Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 My affair is in a grey area right now. My ex husband contacted my MM. So MM has asked for a little space, we are still friends on Facebook which makes it very difficult. I want to just talk to hi, like we used to. We haven't said no contact but that seems to be the way it is right now. I have all kinds of feelings about it. Anger, Resentment, Love, Happiness, Relief... Quick question just for clarification, you said ex H??? but then say your affair is in a grey area? How does one have an affair when they dont have a spouse? Link to post Share on other sites
Snipercatt Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 How does one have an affair when they dont have a spouse? 1) Megamommy describes her ex as "husband" so I'm thinking she wasn't married to her ex. 2) Her AP is married. Link to post Share on other sites
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