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Developing Feelings for Married Co-Worker


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Hi everyone,

 

I am new to the forum. But I have been struggling for the past several weeks with an attraction to a married co-worker of mine. I am single and just recently got out of a bad relationship. I think this is playing a part in my developing feelings for my co-worker. He is married and 11 years older than myself. He also has children. We have worked together for close to a year, but just recently started working closely together. The funny thing is I never found myself attracted to him before (physically he is not really my type) but now that we have been interacting a lot more he has grown on me. We work a lot of late hours and sometimes its just the two of us there. I have kept my feelings to myself, but gradually I notice he is starting to flirt with me (playful banter, teasing, etc.) and I've caught him smiling at me a few times. Absolutely nothing has happened to cross the line. However, a few days ago he loudly was saying to other co-workers that he is not happy in his marriage and wishes he had never got married. I got the feeling he was saying it for my benefit, but perhaps I am reading too much into this?? If I am being honest with myself, I think this entire attraction has developed to help me cope with my bad breakup. I do NOT intend to act on my feelings for my co-worker, but the tension is starting to get really bad at work and its distracting me. Any ideas on what I can do to help this subside? I find myself thinking about him all the time, even when I'm not at work. Not interacting with him is NOT an option as we work very closely together. Any suggestions would be appreciated. Thank you for your help.

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Do you think you're ready for another painful experience? You just got out of a relationship - Having an affair will NOT make you feel better long term. This guy is married with children. You work with him. And, your reputation is at risk. People (meaning your other co workers) will judge YOU much more harshly than him - Because you know he's married and with children so to knowingly enter an affair aware of this, is asking for trouble. You could lose your job over this, as well as your self respect.

 

You haven't invested much in him yet, so my advice to you is, stop flirting and stop being close with him to STOP your feelings from growing. He is married, he is your co worker and he is a father.

 

Imagine one day having to look his wife in the eyes - Seeing her pain, knowing that you helped cause a betrayal to their family unit.

 

What about your friends, your family? Would you be proud to announce your boyfriend is in fact married and has children, but you've chosen to ignore that and have an affair with him?

 

This is trouble all around and you'll be the one hurt since he won't leave his wife and family for you. End it now before anything else happens.

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Okay, reading your post again (sorry I misread, thought you were already in an A or about to have one) I suggest you just back off and keep it professional. Ignore his flirty behaviour and when you talk to him, keep it about work related issues only. No need to personal chit chat.

 

And, distract yourself, stop having thoughts and fantasies about him. All that does is make you want him more.

 

And, too think of consquences, you don't want to be the OW and deal with that fallout. Ever!

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I would suggest channelling your energies into some outside interests and distract yourdelf from your thoughts about him. Stay strong and keep resisting the urge to get involved with him. Belief me it is not worth it starting affair with a married. It ends up being an emotional rollercoaster to nowhere. Im speaking from experience.

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Lay the boundaries and lay them clear.

Tell him when he flirts that it's inappropriate behaviour and mean it, having just come out of a bad situation you may well be vulnerable and he will use this to his advantage, show him you have self respect and rebuke his advances.

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Being that you are single, you are crazy to even consider it. Find someone that is also single so that you can possibly have a full relationship. In addition, a work relationship is more complicated. I would even fake a relationship around hiim right now just to avoid any flirting.

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I am in a similar situation (but he's my boss and has kissed me) and can appreciate how hard it is to stop the feelings when you are working closely with them every day. So I will follow this thread for advice also! My boss and I don't even flirt, we just get on a bit better than everyone else but there is an undertone of attraction so I can't even tell him to stop doing anything.

 

What I am trying to do is keep reminding myself of the consequences and how important my job is to me, more important to me than my married boss, it's my dream job. I keep reading these boards too as most affair stories end the same, badly! I've also been the OW before, thought I could handle it early on and would stop before it got too involved but it just gets harder to stop and it pretty much broke me when it ended and swore to myself I would never do that again.

 

I promise you now is the easiest time to stop it, it only gets harder the more involved you become. We have to protect ourselves as no one else can and the men certainly won't!

 

Keep us posted xx

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I would view one who loudly discusses they are unhappy with their spouse in public and not quietly between a friend in a private discussion to be a major turn off and a major red flag in bad character.

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Thanks for the responses. I think I am just going to start talking to him less. Its difficult because things have been stressful at work and I vent to him a lot. However, I don't like where this is headed. There have been a few days when its just the two of us and the sexual tension is ridiculous. I do not want to do anything to encourage him. Again, neither of us has crossed the line (or even come close) at this point, but I can see it coming.

 

Britain - I also found it kind of inappropriate that he would announce so loudly that he is not happily married. It made me wonder if it was said for my benefit - even though it wasn't directed to me, but said loud enough for me to hear.

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Its difficult because things have been stressful at work and I vent to him a lot.

 

Do you have women friends at work? If so, complain to them, not to him anymore.

 

Britain - I also found it kind of inappropriate that he would announce so loudly that he is not happily married. It made me wonder if it was said for my benefit - even though it wasn't directed to me, but said loud enough for me to hear.

It is rude of him and inappropriate to say stuff like that in front of people at work. He is setting the stage of his so called 'unhappy' marriage, in case you take his bait. it's coming..

 

when he talks to you directly about his marriage, tell him that he needs to fix it for the sake of his kids and also for his wife. DO counseling - suggest that to him and let him know subtly you're not interested. Or be direct - "I do not 'date' married men."

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Not being "happy" in a marriage and wishing it had never happened does not equal being single. He isn't single...not even close. He is years from being single, if he has kids, and if he even decides to go down that road.

 

Ask yourself: Knowing this man is NOT available, do you want to continue with these feelings? Do you want to entangle yourself in this? The odds are NOT in your favor. Do you want to suffer grief in your workplace?

 

I'd suggest you take a couple days off of work. Do something nice for yourself. Change your environment. Talk yourself OUT of this attraction and do not look back.

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experiencethedevine
I would view one who loudly discusses they are unhappy with their spouse in public and not quietly between a friend in a private discussion to be a major turn off and a major red flag in bad character.

 

 

 

I most emphatically agree with Britain. A man who 'loudly' exclaims to all and sundry within your earshot that he is unhappy in his marriage and wished he had never got married is definitely not a man of honourable character, and certainly far from trustworthy!

 

 

I wonder what his wife would say if those awful statements got back to her!

 

How revolting.......................

Edited by experiencethedevine
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AlwaysGrowing

It is a boundary issue. If you had strong boundaries, then feeling would have never developed. So that is where you start.

 

No more discussing personal issues.

No more sharing personal stories.

Do not engage in their personal issues or stories.

Shut it down if they do. (enforcing) "I do not wish to discuss your personal issues" "Shouldn't you be saying this to your wife"

No lunches together

No after work get togethers

No flirting

Limit working alone together.

 

 

Feeling do not emerge unless one starts to build an emotional bond. The workplace is ripe for that to happen. Most spend more time with their co-workers than their SO, that is why it is so very important to have such strong workplace boundaries.

 

The scenario of how typical workplace affairs happen is so very typical. They all start, just as you have stated. Working closely without strong boundaries in place or not enforcing boundaries that one does have.

 

Its good that you recognized that there was an issue, before it went a "bridge too far". You can stop this dead in its tracks and still maintain a good working relationship.

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Don't do it! I am telling you, you are going to be in a world of hurt if you give in.

 

 

When you are working together and you get "the look" or the conversation starts heading personal, you really need to just get up for a bit. Tell him you need to use the restroom, make a phone call or something. Just break the hold at that moment. He will figure it out.

 

 

Wishing you the best!

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leavethepieces
Hi everyone,

 

I am new to the forum. But I have been struggling for the past several weeks with an attraction to a married co-worker of mine. I am single and just recently got out of a bad relationship. I think this is playing a part in my developing feelings for my co-worker. He is married and 11 years older than myself. He also has children. We have worked together for close to a year, but just recently started working closely together. The funny thing is I never found myself attracted to him before (physically he is not really my type) but now that we have been interacting a lot more he has grown on me. We work a lot of late hours and sometimes its just the two of us there. I have kept my feelings to myself, but gradually I notice he is starting to flirt with me (playful banter, teasing, etc.) and I've caught him smiling at me a few times. Absolutely nothing has happened to cross the line. However, a few days ago he loudly was saying to other co-workers that he is not happy in his marriage and wishes he had never got married. I got the feeling he was saying it for my benefit, but perhaps I am reading too much into this?? If I am being honest with myself, I think this entire attraction has developed to help me cope with my bad breakup. I do NOT intend to act on my feelings for my co-worker, but the tension is starting to get really bad at work and its distracting me. Any ideas on what I can do to help this subside? I find myself thinking about him all the time, even when I'm not at work. Not interacting with him is NOT an option as we work very closely together. Any suggestions would be appreciated. Thank you for your help.

 

You are me. I could have written this exact thing a year ago (actually, I think I did.) and all I have to say is: DO! NOT! DO! IT!!!!

 

Mine turned into a full fledged affair with a guy 18 years older than me. It ended in heartbreak, up and down on the emotional rollercoaster the entire time. Now he has lost his wife and children. I am still married but my marriage is falling to pieces. I lost my job.

 

And the worst thing is - I am still in love with this man.

 

I wish I could tell you how to not think about him, but I can't. I couldn't do it. I hope you are stronger than I was. I wouldn't wish the pain I am in on a day to day basis on anyone else.

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No more discussing personal issues.

No more sharing personal stories.

Do not engage in their personal issues or stories.

 

 

Can't speak for OP but this is where I would struggle. Sorry to hijack but also hope it may help.

 

I talk openly to most colleagues about what each other did at weekend, plans for Xmas etc and today he was asking me a lot of stuff like this, vice versa, but to shut him down would be so out of character for me towards any of my colleagues, provoke him to ask what's wrong, possibly even obvious to other people that I wasn't talking to him. We are such a relaxed office. Yet I also recognise that these chit chats don't help the feelings go away, they fuel the fire even when there is no flirting, particularly if one makes the other laugh.

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Thanks again for all the responses. Today at work I talked to him much less and nothing personal - all work related. There were a few occasions where he tried to engage me in playful banter but I didn't indulge him. The most unfortunate part is how closely I have to work with this man and it is only going to continue. More late nights and sometimes just the two of us there. I may try to look for a new job after the holidays.

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