Excuses excuses

[brunettebarbie]

I have been seeing a man that I worked with 14yrs ago for about 9mos. I got a divorce early in the year and this man and I recently re connected. Him and his wife filed for a divorce 10yrs ago until she found out unexpectedly they were expecting their 4th child. He says he is going to re file but it seems there is always an excuse..the most recent is money. He never spends the night on nights when I don't have the kids. My ex knows him and I have been dating and they know of each other because of their line of work. My girls have met him but he won't go to the girls events if my ex is there. I haven't met his kids yet and his wife has to know..so why hasn't she filed. I try to set up times for us to get together but at times it's lets see how the day goes. He says he is going to file but if its not working on my time frame then he says he will understand if I need to break it off even if it hurts. I want him to get things in order before he files but I dont feel like he is making it a priority. If I'm his future and solemate like he says I am them he would make it a priority.

[dreamingoftigers]

Seriously, you must know what this is, right?

 

I'll tell you what, when you want a divorce. YOU WANT A DIVORCE NOW.

 

You can't stand to be with the other person so much that you would drag yourself to China by your fingernails to get the divorce.

 

Guess what he wants?

His family with his four kids.......and a side piece.

 

I'm sure he has feelings for you but even that's not compelling him to file.

 

All of the "his wife must know" is probably not true at all, especially if he NEVER spends the night. He'll just tell her "it's rumors" if the conversation comes up etc. plus she has FOUR children, do you think she might be distracted?

 

Why don't you call her up and tell her you're sorry to be the cause of their upcoming divorce. She if she knows then.

 

You've got children. This relationship is not wise.

 

I have been seeing a man that I worked with 14yrs ago for about 9mos. I got a divorce early in the year and this man and I recently re connected. Him and his wife filed for a divorce 10yrs ago until she found out unexpectedly they were expecting their 4th child. He says he is going to re file but it seems there is always an excuse..the most recent is money. He never spends the night on nights when I don't have the kids. My ex knows him and I have been dating and they know of each other because of their line of work. My girls have met him but he won't go to the girls events if my ex is there. I haven't met his kids yet and his wife has to know..so why hasn't she filed. I try to set up times for us to get together but at times it's lets see how the day goes. He says he is going to file but if its not working on my time frame then he says he will understand if I need to break it off even if it hurts. I want him to get things in order before he files but I dont feel like he is making it a priority. If I'm his future and solemate like he says I am them he would make it a priority.

[dreamingoftigers]

Sorry for my abruptness in my previous post.

I trust this has been rather distressing to you not understanding why he's not getting a move on with things.

 

When you start to read more and more of the boards, patterns emerge. A typical pattern is things like "he just hasn't gotten around to the paperwork of it all yet" "he has to stay until blah blah blah OR for the kids" "she's a real*****" "she must know what's going on, she must not care."

 

Most of these things are lies and excuses. Very few people want to believe that THEY are falling for it. Being played etc. But typically, they are. When we start sleeping with someone, it clouds our judgment.

 

By the way "soulmate" is usually a word tossed around on the OW/OM forums for some reason or another. I have seen the saddest uses of the word "soulmate" outside of the forum by adults past the teen years.

 

Soulmate from what I can see generally means "fantasy mate" OR "mate I would have (maybe) if I wasn't with my ACTUAL mate."

 

It's a term that suggests intimacy without providing or acting on any of the things that would go further to encourage intimacy. An empty term. I now internally cringe whenever I read or see it.

[wannabdone]

I have to agree with the above post. When you are ready for a divorce, you want and get a divorce. Are there things that are scary about divorcing even if you are sick to death of your spouse? Sure. Money, children, the dividing of assets are all things that can seem overwhelming. However, it still does not detour us from finalizing plans for divorce.

 

I am sure he does have some feelings of love for you. If he is a good man, and you know and feel this in your heart. I think even though we a lot of times will try to make a "silk purse out of a pigs ear", still will know down deep in our hearts if he loves us or is just saying the words. But there is something that is keeping him from getting divorced. Whether it be that he loves his wife, or is in love with her in someway. It might be because she is the mother of his children, or maybe he finds that he really does love her. I think you can love people for different reasons. Or if it is because he is not wanting to break up his family, or whatever the reason is.... he is not divorcing and THAT is the only thing you can base things off of.

 

It seems so easy, and we say it all the time.. but we rarely live it in our lives, but the one thing you need to really try and do is : LIVE OFF OF HIS ACTIONS. Because of the feelings we have, and because of what we want, we will often not do this very simple thing. Because looking at actions a lot of times hurts far worse than listening to what they are telling us, because what they are saying is what we WANT to hear.

 

Trust me, I lived in this torture for over 10 years. Loving a man with multiple children. Who I believe still to this day, loved me and probably still loves me. But NEVER was going to leave... and he proved this to me everyday in his actions, but never did his words say that. I believe his words are what he wanted "if" he could, "if" it was another time, etc. etc. But the reality was he couldn't.... and as the time went on, month after month, year after year, his actions showed that he was going to stay.

 

Now, I don't have him in my life, and I wasted 10 precious years of the what should be the time of my life, hoping and waiting on something that was never to come.

 

I'm not saying he won't divorce, he might. Here is what I do know, he has no reason to right now. And lets be real, no one can make such life decisions with having another relationship going on. He needs time to himself to find out if he wants to be with you or in his marriage. I know it seems like the hardest thing in the world, but I think that you should walk, just to give him the time that he needs to figure this out. This will only benefit you both. You won't lose him, because one thing I learned... you can not lose anything you never had.

 

I'm not one of the typical XOW who are jaded and cruel on here, telling you that your dumb or whatever.... I have 100% moved on with my life, but my XMM is still very much a part of my heart, I will love him till the day I die. And I know he does me, although we have and will not speak again. This just wasn't something that was going to happen. And for my sanity, I needed to leave. it hurt like heck, and I miss him everyday, but I would have been in an insane asylum if I had continued.

 

If you can't leave him you feel, I would suggest becoming comfortable for calling your relationship for what it is. Acceptance that you are dating a married man, and a man who has ties in another place. And if he does divorce her, GREAT... if he doesn't, then you know what your relationship is. One main thing I will tell you in this crazy world of being the OW or OM... acceptance is PEACE!!!

 

GOOD LUCK TO YOU!!!

[Speakingofwhich]

Wannabdone has said it well.

 

I would like to add one more thing.

 

When/if you decide to leave the sitch and when you have given yourself some time away from it you may begin to question whether or not you could trust a man who has lived with a W and had the type of R with you he has had.

 

It's hard to face this and is easier to believe you would trust him because you believe you are the love of his life (I'm speaking of OW generally, not specifically of you) and obviously his W is not or why then would he be with you?

 

But, only you know when he is apt to contact you. These things have a pattern. Just for instance, if he contacts you as he drives to and from work, or during his lunch hour.

 

If you M him, how would you feel/think during those times if he wasn't with you? Would you be wondering who he was contacting? Maybe and maybe not but it is something for you to think about.

 

I do think it would be easier to trust an MM who left very shortly after meeting OW rather than one who stayed for a long period of time and established a pattern of cheating.

Edited November 2, 2013 by Speakingofwhich
additional thoughts

[brunettebarbie]

Thank you everyone! I never thought I would find myself in this situation. There are times I think there is still a lot he is not telling me. When 2-3x a week he doesn't come home until 2am, I would begin to wonder if I were her. My name in his phone is a nickname. If things are really over than why does he care if she finds out. I don't know if he is waiting to see if I am the one before he goes thru with it. I have met co workers, teammates, even his brother. We are stuck because he is not making his divorce a priority. .which means I and our relationship isn't. I wonder what is wrong with her that she hasn't filed? When I bring the divorce up or a future. .he really doesn't want to talk about it. That probably should b a sign. But why am I still here

[wannabdone]

Thank you everyone! I never thought I would find myself in this situation. There are times I think there is still a lot he is not telling me. When 2-3x a week he doesn't come home until 2am, I would begin to wonder if I were her. My name in his phone is a nickname. If things are really over than why does he care if she finds out. I don't know if he is waiting to see if I am the one before he goes thru with it. I have met co workers, teammates, even his brother. We are stuck because he is not making his divorce a priority. .which means I and our relationship isn't. I wonder what is wrong with her that she hasn't filed? When I bring the divorce up or a future. .he really doesn't want to talk about it. That probably should b a sign. But why am I still here

 

 

BB- I think the majority of people in these situations don't ever think they will be in one. I mean we as little girls don't sit around and dream of having a man who we love and adore being married to someone else.

 

Here is one thing I can tell you with out even knowing you or your OM - - that is 100% there is a lot he is not telling you. If he told you EVERYTHING, I think it would be safe to say you wouldn't be around. Again, this doesn't mean he doesn't love you or care for you, it just means that he hasn't made up his mind as to if he will divorce her or not, so he does what he has to at home to make it good as it can be.

 

Another thing, (and I did the same thing, so not judging), your statement about her, and her not wondering or having a clue, etc. Look at that you are hanging onto him, and you don't have even 1/2 of what his W has invested. She might not have a clue because she doesn't feel like anything is wrong, there are a 1000 reasons why people come home late. Like I said before, he probably does what he has to, to make his home life good, so she thinks things are okay. And if she does have a feeling something is up, its amazing how we can fool ourselves into thinking something else... look at we do in our A's. I always say, people believe ONLY WHAT THEY WANT TO BELIEVE. We do the same thing here, so why wouldn't she do the same with her M?

 

I met several people in my XMM's life, including his sisters (which loved me and I did them). These are all the things that we find to hang onto, to make us feel like they will leave, or at least I know I did. But again, all the promises, all the meeting his friends or family, all of the love they say they have for us - - isn't them leaving, isn't them filing. Sure its nice, but they aren't actions, they are only things that keep us thinking it will happen. Actions really are SO MUCH harder than words.

 

So why are you still here?? Because you love him, because you hang on to the hope that he might, because you don't want to lose him. All of those are very BIG & GOOD reasons as to why you are still here. I know a lot of people will act like its because you hate yourself, etc. But what they don't see is we hold to them because we want the best for ourselves, and we are convinced they are it and they will leave and be with us.

 

If he is going to get a D, he will do it with or with out you in the picture, my friend. And probably a lot longer until he does with out you in it. He has nothing to lose, you are there, you aren't going anywhere. So there is no real need to pull the trigger. All the while, as each week goes on and you hold onto the hope he will, and to him... a little piece of who are dies off.

 

I noticed that in this very short post, you talked about him 9x. I'm only pointing this out because it totally comes to be all about them, and very little about you. Please love yourself as much, if not more than you love him. If you do that, everything will fall into place.

 

You are stuck in this situation not only because he won't file, but also because I am assuming (and only assuming, so if I am wrong, my apologies), that you have let things slide, taken him excuses, continued to let him break promises. Remember, people will only respect you as much as you demand to be respected. And I think you deserve to be respected enough to be loved and to be someone's one and only!!!!

[whichwayisup]

Question isn't why hasn't she filed, why hasn't HE filed?

 

And, what couple files for D 10 years ago but never follows through? And she's pregnant again, now he's having second thoughts of walking away? Sorry your post confuses me, did she have an A and is pregnant, or did they unexpectedly have an unplanned pregnancy together?

 

Your beef isn't with her, it should be about him. If she isn't pushing for divorce, there's a reason and you need to talk to him, ask him to be totally honest with you. Something isn't right in your situation.

[brunettebarbie]

They filed 10yrs ago and found out she was expecting when they filed 10yrs ago. Sorry for the confusion..guess I wasn't clear. Everyone wants to believe the best in everyone and give people a chance. I think i have lost some if who I am and I don't want that. I have gone back to therapy which is helping. Love can be blinding or what we think is love. Love doesn't hurt..people do. I'm glad I have found this sight and know I am not alone ♥

[whichwayisup]

Still the key is, if he wants to divorce her, he can and will. He hasn't and that says a lot. The ball isn't just in her court, it's in his as well.

 

How often does he see her? Or are they living together? Not sure of your full situation so it's hard to give advice not knowing many details.

[Lessons]

Question isn't why hasn't she filed, why hasn't HE filed?

 

^^^^^^^This. . . You can't blame his BS for wanting to keep her family together, but you can ask HIM why he stays. If he were being honest, he would say that he has everything he needs the way things are now - so he has no reason to divorce.

 

His marriage is working because you fill in all the gaps - whatever he isn't getting from her, he can get from you, whether it is physical, emotional, romantic, or whatever. The only way he will ever see how much he needs you is if you walk away - stop settling for his lies and his crumbs, reclaim your dignity, and get on with your life.

 

Then, maybe "someday . . ." - but don't count on it. My guess is he's never leaving her.

 

And how do I know? Because I'm a fMOW, also with four kids, and I didn't leave my marriage for my "soulmate". And I never will.

 

All the best to you - I know how painful and confusing this can be.

[brunettebarbie]

He still lives at home. Last week he asked if I thought things have seemed different lately..when I said yes and called him out on a few things..he completely changed his level of attention but I have been keeping my guard up and not as attentive. He said I dont want you to leave but if u need to I will understand..I will hurt but if it's what is best for u I understand. That's not what I expected..I would think that he would plead for me not to go and that he will do anything for me not to go. That should tell me something..right?

[trailrunner1975]

He still lives at home. Last week he asked if I thought things have seemed different lately..when I said yes and called him out on a few things..he completely changed his level of attention but I have been keeping my guard up and not as attentive. He said I dont want you to leave but if u need to I will understand..I will hurt but if it's what is best for u I understand. That's not what I expected..I would think that he would plead for me not to go and that he will do anything for me not to go. That should tell me something..right?

 

He's a cake eater as I see it. Remember the wise phrase "don't make a person a priority who sees you as an option". It is so true. He will do just enough to keep you where you are and never follow through.

[wannabdone]

He's a cake eater as I see it. Remember the wise phrase "don't make a person a priority who sees you as an option". It is so true. He will do just enough to keep you where you are and never follow through.

 

 

I LOVE THIS QUOTE!!! I have never heard it before, but will be using it from now on!!!

[whichwayisup]

He still lives at home. Last week he asked if I thought things have seemed different lately..when I said yes and called him out on a few things..he completely changed his level of attention but I have been keeping my guard up and not as attentive. He said I dont want you to leave but if u need to I will understand..I will hurt but if it's what is best for u I understand. That's not what I expected..I would think that he would plead for me not to go and that he will do anything for me not to go. That should tell me something..right?

 

1st bolded part. He said that with manipulation. He KNOWS you aren't strong enough to end it and walk away. Don't fool yourself into thinking he will run after you with good intentions and roses. If he runs after you it'll be because you fill in a need and he enjoys your company, enjoys the affair for what it is. He isn't going to divorce. You say he's still living at home. the thing is, he IS living life with his wife and family. Like it or not, accept it or not...

 

The ball really is in your court. You can waste your love and affection for a man who is choosing to stay married and never leaving, or you can end it and tell him goodbye, wish him well and move on.

[brunettebarbie]

You are right..the ball is in my court now. For the second time in 3 weeks, he got invited to a sporting event last minute. And for the second time..the phone died or was running low. My girlfriend asked me..what does he do for you that is making you stay? She didn't feel my answer was reason enough to keep me in this. She said are u in a relationship or just calling it one? I told her maybe she should be a therapist ..lol. and that a woman should never lose her intuition because its usually right. She lost it during a similar situation and she regrets it.

[whichwayisup]

Take a step back and have some space from him. Clear your head.

 

Go read baggage reclaim, see if you identify with the articles, if it hits home and makes you see things in a new light.

 

He isn't making you a priority, his actions show you this.

 

Don't put him first, put YOU first now. If you find time to see him, great, if not, so what? Get busy and live life for you and be happy, whether he's there or not.

[brunettebarbie]

Where do I find baggage reclaim?

[whichwayisup]

Sorry, I forgot to say, google it.

[wannabdone]

BB- to expand on what whichway said, if they D it will be if she files probably. I've said this before, but that old statement we have heard for years "he never leaves", it really for the most part is true. Sure there are some men who do leave, but probability is that he won't. And statistically it proves how men don't do the leaving, as 70% of D's in the United States are filed by women.

 

Men compartmentalize, they have a much easier time having a M and an A and keeping those two separate. It doesn't mean that he loves one woman more than the other, it just means that when he is there, he is in his M life (or I heard someone call it a box, which I think is a good term), and when he is with you or in his A, he is in his A life or box. And if a time comes that the A is over, he is able to live in his M life/box. I know from having a friend who had an A, that he does think of his OW and miss her, and he does still love her, but he is still "okay" with his life in his M, and no is not as in love as he was with his OW with his W, but loves his W in a different way, and is okay and not miserable in this M life.

 

Some women can do this, and all of us do this to some extent. But most women can not do this to the extent as men can. If we are M and having an A, our M suffers much more than men who are M and having an A. We are far too emotionally driven to be able to continue a happy life and M, when our hearts are with someone else. Our work and obligations suffer in all aspects.

 

As far as you talking about losing intuitions, girl I could write a novel here regarding that. I have ALWAYS considered myself to be intelligent and having a very discerning spirit, being able to read people and situations better than most. Its even something that I have to do in my professional life on a daily basis, and what has made me so good at what I do. HOWEVER, my A stripped that totally from me. I lived off of dreams and hopes, not on facts. My dreams and hopes overtook me, and I couldn't have even felt my intuition, as I was too consumed with my hopes and dreams, and what I wanted to happen. Breaking every conversation down, and everything he did, even to the point of how he looked at me, to justify and make me feel like my gut feeling was that this was going to "work out" into what I wanted to happen. This is why I say that we lose ourselves. Just as who I really was, became a distant memory, and over the years, as the time passed, I became more and more a person who was the complete opposite of who I was. Which lets be real, when we start realizing this, only makes us fall into an even deeper depression.

 

This is why you coming on here, telling your story is so great. It not only allows you to process things on your own, as you are typing it out and thinking about it, but it gives you examples when others post of what they have been through. there will be some that are hateful on here, just disregard and take the pieces that help you.

 

This is that "fog" that you always hear about. A lot of times you will find it talk about by BS's, using it as a way to say that once this "fog" clears, their spouses will no longer love the OW or OM. What they don't understand is that even once the "fog" clears, if their spouse loved someone, the love remains. The fog is really just what it is, clouds your vision to see things for what is really going on. Once fog clears, it doesn't mean that where you are standing, and the surroundings are any different. They will be the same, just as I was explaining above, once the A fog clears, the love is still there. It just means that you can have a clearer sight as to what is best for you, and how to get out of your surroundings.

 

Keep posting!!!! and I hope you are having a great day today!!!! (((hugs)))

[brunettebarbie]

Wannabedone thank you I am tired of taking the little excuses..like just today. I asked yesterday about coming over to watch a game on tv tonight.. he said we'll see. As a kid and now..I already know what that means. I just asked him again today..come at least watch half the game..a few excuses mostly because of my kids and I just may want to chill came up and he seem to get a little defensive and a little bit upset when I asked him. I was about to say "well u had no problem accepting a last minute invite to a sporting event yesterday" and "look at all the games of yours I go to that start at 10 at night". U dont think im asking much.

[brunettebarbie]

I have slowly started to pullback emotionally..it isn't easy. Not care as much about his whereabouts..as I will send him a text or call and he will take 4-5hrs to respond. Keeping text short n sweet. Not answering the phone every time he calls. He said a few times we need to go out..have alone time..I said ok so plan it..actions speak louder than words I said in a sarcastic tone. He asked if I was ok..I said sure..I'm as ok as you are. We will see if he follows through on anything. Some therapy is helping as well. He even has family plans this weekend?? WTF!!! If that isn't leading her on I don't know what is..that pissed me off when I found it in his calendar

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

Go back and read that last post.

 

You are pissed because he has plans with his family???

 

Honey, it ain't her he is leading on....its YOU.

 

Get some self respect back. He's not leaving her for you....he is stringing you along.

[Cabinet]

For the second time in 3 weeks, he got invited to a sporting event last minute. And for the second time..the phone died or was running low.

 

 

uhhh...... and you believed this????

 

Phone died and/or running low is one of the oldest lies in the book. He was very likely doing something with wifey and didn't want you to call.

[brunettebarbie]

I don't ever buy into the my phone died excuse. I dont think he has family plans..but he dies and they aren't with me. I am proud of myself lately for pulling back, not being on his schedule and watching inconsistencies build up. I feel I'm getting stronger