All MOW, Married Women's' Affairs explained: Women's Infidelity by Michelle Langeley

[Scott Thomas]

I AM NOT ADVERTISING THIS BOOK!

This is just a discussion about the author's thesis.

 

I read a book last week: Women's Infidelity by Michelle Langeley.

While I would not stereotype everyone, the book does explain roughly 60-70% of the cases I've seen, especially on this forum.

 

Married Other Women, could you chip in and contribute a bit?

 

The author states that women who embark on an affair follow a certain pattern:

 

1.They push men for commitment

2.They get what they want

3.They lose interest in sex

4.They become attracted to someone else

5.They start cheating

6.They become angry and resentful

7.They begin telling their partners that they need time apart

8.They blame their partners for their behavior...and eventually, after making themselves and everyone around them miserable for an indefinite, but usually, long period of time, they end their relationships or marriages.

 

If you're a male, like most other males, you would probably never suspect that your partner is cheating, (at least, not physically cheating) not only because of your wife’s or girlfriend’s seeming disinterest in sex; but also because you have the belief that your wife or girlfriend is a “good girl.” Unfortunately, males are frequently left/divorced by their wives and girlfriends without ever knowing about their wives' and girlfriends' infidelities.

 

If you’re a female, like most other females, prior to cheating on your partner you always proclaimed yourself to be "not the type" who would ever cheat. However, also like most other females, after they have cheated, you're shocked and appalled by your behavior; but at the same time you can't stop cheating.

 

She explains that most of these women are in either one of 4 stages, depending on her feelings/emotions.

 

The "stages" that women often experience during the course of their long-term relationships

Several years into my research I was able to identify distinctive patterns and behaviors in the women I interviewed. I categorized these into four separate “stages” that women often experience during the course of their long-term relationships. The stages begin with a loss of sexual desire.

 

 

 

Stage 1

 

Women at Stage 1 feel as though something is missing in their lives. They have all the things that they wanted—a home, a family, a great husband—but they feel they should be happier. Over time, many women in this stage begin to lose interest in sex. It is not uncommon for them to spend a great deal of energy trying to avoid physical contact with their husbands because they fear it might lead to a sexual encounter. They frequently complain of physical ailments to avoid having sex and often try to avoid going to bed at the same time as their husbands. They view sex as a job, not unlike doing the dishes or going to the grocery store. Some women in Stage 1 claim they feel violated when their husbands touch them. Their bodies freeze up and they feel tightness in their chest and/or a sick feeling in their stomach. The majority of women in Stage 1 feel as though there is something wrong with them, that they are in some way defective. They are also fearful that their disinterest in sex will cause their husbands to cheat, or worse yet, leave them.

 

 

 

Stage 2

 

Women at Stage 2 experience reawakened desire stimulated by an encounter outside the marital relationship. Whether these encounters with a "new" man involves sex or remain platonic, women will typically give a tremendous amount of emotional significance to these encounters.

Many women in this stage haven't felt any sexual desire for a long time. Many experience tremendous guilt and regret, regardless of whether their new relationships are sexual, merely emotional, or both. Most begin to experience what could be termed an identity crisis—even those who try to put the experience behind them. Constant reminders are everywhere. They feel guilt when the topic of infidelity arises, whether in the media, in conversations with family and friends, or at home with their husbands. Women in this stage can no longer express their prior disdain for infidelity without feeling like a hypocrite. They feel as though they have lost a part of themselves. Reflecting society’s belief that women are either “good” or “bad,” women will question their “good girl” status and feel that they might not be deserving of their husbands. Many will try to overcome feelings of guilt by becoming more attentive toward and appreciative of their husbands. However, over time many women will move from appreciation to justification. In order to justify their continued desire for other men, women will begin to attribute these desires to needs that are not being met in their marriage, or to their husband’s past behavior. Many women will become negative and sarcastic when speaking of their husbands and their marriages and it is not uncommon for an extramarital affair to follow.

 

 

 

Stage 3

 

Women at Stage 3 are involved in affairs, ending affairs, or contemplating divorce. Women who are having affairs experience feelings unlike anything they have experienced before. They feel “alive” again and many believe they have found their soul mates. These women are experiencing feelings associated with a chemically altered state, or what is typically referred to as being in love.

These women are also typically in tremendous pain, the pain of choosing between their husbands and their new love interests. They typically believe that what they are doing is wrong and unfair to their husbands, but yet are unable to end their affairs. Many often try several times. Prior to meeting with their lovers, they will vow that it will be the last time, but they are unable to stick with their decisions.

Unable to end their extramarital relationships, women at Stage 3 conclude that their lovers are soul mates because they are unaware that they have become addicted to the high caused by chemicals released during the initial stages of a relationship. Many live in a state of limbo for years. “Should I stay married or should I get a divorce?” this is the question continuously on the minds of women at Stage 3 - it is also common for women at this stage to attempt to initiate a separation. In most cases, husbands of women at Stage 3, will launch futile attempts to make their wives happy by being more attentive, spending more time at home and helping out around the house. Regardless of women’s past and present complaints, the last thing women at Stage 3 want, is to spend more time with their husbands.

The reason many women will give for their desire to separate is a “search for self.” They convince their husbands that they might be able to save their marriage if they can just have time to themselves. They tell their husbands that time apart is the only hope of improving their current situation. Women at this stage want to free themselves of the restrictions of marriage and spend more time with their lovers. Most think that eventually their confusion will disappear. They think they will eventually know with certainty whether they want to stay married or get divorced and be with their lovers. Separation allows women at this stage, to enjoy the high they experience with their lovers without giving up the security of their marriages. Husbands of Stage 3 women are often unaware that their wives are having affairs. Their lack of suspicion is typically due to their wife’s disinterest in sex and in their belief that their wife is a “good girl.”

Women at Stage 3 may also be experiencing the ending of an extramarital affair, and the ending may not have been their decision. They may have been involved with single men who either lost interest because the relationship could not progress or who became attracted to another women who was single. Women whose affairs are ending often experience extreme grief. They may become deeply depressed and express tremendous anger toward their husbands. They are typically unaware that they are experiencing chemical withdrawal due to sudden changes in their brain chemistry. As a result, many will feel that they have missed their chance at happiness due to their indecisiveness.

Believing they have become more aware of what they want and need from a mate, women at this stage will often place the utmost importance on finding a "new" relationship that will give them the feeling they experienced in their affairs. A new relationship with a new partner will also represent a clean slate, a chance for these women to regain their “good girl” status. Some women will search for new partners during their separations. Others will return to their marriages, but not emotionally and still continue to search. Some women will resume sporadic sexual relations with their husbands in an effort to safeguard their marriage until they make a decision. Although they are often not sexually attracted to their husbands, desire is temporarily rekindled when they suspect their husbands are unfaithful, are contemplating infidelity, or when their husbands show signs of moving on.

 

 

 

Stage 4

The women in stage four included those who chose to stay married and continue their affairs and those who chose to divorce. Some of the women who continued their affairs stated that marital sex was improved by maintaining the extramarital relationship. Some thought the lover was a soul mate, but for one reason or another did not leave their husband and did not feel torn between the two. Others realized that their feelings were intensified by not sharing day-to-day living arrangements with their lover. Almost all of the women in this latter category were having affairs with married men. They believed their affairs could continue indefinitely without disrupting either partner’s primary relationship.

The women who chose divorce and were in the beginning stages of a new relationship typically expressed relief at having finally made a decision and reported feeling normal again. Many of the divorced women who had remarried and were several years into their new marriages seemed somewhat reluctant to talk about the specifics of their past experiences. However, they did mention feelings of guilt and regret for having hurt their children and ex-spouses only to find themselves experiencing similar feelings in the new relationship.

 

 

Has anyone else read this book? Any thoughts on this?

Any MOW who would like to share their views?

[BruisedBNBroken]

Stage 3 here. Describes it almost perfectly.

[Scott Thomas]

Stage 3 here. Describes it almost perfectly.

 

I've read your threads. Any update regarding the status of your affair? I believe you were dithering on divorce/reconciliation/confessing.

[Copelandsanity]

Scott, I'm curious. Does the author point to any solutions or tips to avoid this situation? Because the little I've read about this book seems to indicate that the woman has no control over this, no matter how good the man is to her...that their hormones and advancing to their sexual peak is responsible for the behavior.

[BruisedBNBroken]

The physical aspect of my affair is over and has been for awhile. The emotional aspect has had a few fits and starts, mostly consisting of me instituting a dramatic no contact email and him basically waiting a week and then contacting me every other day until I break down from either weakness or anger and end up answering the phone or replying to a text. Lather, rinse, repeat. To clarify, though, I am completely addicted to the feelings and the high. There is no love, no soulmate thoughts, nothing like that. He is never anyone I would ever be with in real life. But just like the description above, he made me feel "alive" and reopened the door to desires I've surpressed for years. Do I know it's not real? Of course. Do I know I don't need to be a slave to my feelings? Of course. Do I realize it's chemicals? Of course again. Slowly logic is winning out, but very slowly.

 

My husband and I are in counseling to determine the "best" way to seperate, whatever that means. After our heart to heart, where I did not confess but was honest about loss of feelings and roommate relationship, my H has done pretty much exactly what's described in the stages. He's trying so hard to be loving, vocal, helpful, etc. unfortunately, all that does is annoy me and push me away.

[JourneyLady]

My online EA was never physical and was someone I thought about being with only in fantasy (frog in the hot boiling water brainwashing). Originally being married to a workaholic avoidant personality husband, I was starved for attention. He did give me some - mostly in the form of "gifts" (stuff to keep me busy). And lip service to loving me. But not much quality time together and managed to F*** up a lot of it (like walking too fast for me when we went hiking, even after repeated requests to slow down).

 

Also I didn't lie about what I was doing. I had someone willing to spend time talking to me even though he was half a world away.

 

It's not logically that I would have ever really left my husband for a 73 year old man (I was almost 50) in another country. But I was in affair fog even as an EA and I believed within that fog that I would.

 

Ex-husband starts talking to interested girl at work, starts revenge affair, because of it and the rest, as they say, is history. I woke up from the fog, but of course it was too late by then.

 

Ex-husband seems to suffer no remorse while married to AP and yet appears to still be angry at me, as is AP. Why are they mad at me when they are together????

[Scott Thomas]

Scott, I'm curious. Does the author point to any solutions or tips to avoid this situation? Because the little I've read about this book seems to indicate that the woman has no control over this, no matter how good the man is to her...that their hormones and advancing to their sexual peak is responsible for the behavior.

 

There is a second book. Women's infidelity 2: Breaking out of Limbo.

This might sounds a tad chauvinistic. However, these arguments are presented by a lady so I ought to be absolved of this accusation:

 

People get married with unrealistic fantasies. Marriage takes hard work and the 'lovey dovey' feelings during the first 1-4 years hardly last. Some women allow their needs to go unmet in their relationships and marriages because of their lack of commitment. The author states that there's no point in making a commitment if you don’t know what you are committing to. When people enter into marriage without having a clear vision and purpose for their lives together they will, at some point, end up in confusion or something else.

 

She states that the vast majority of cheating women think of love as a feeling and tend to leave their relationships once the feeling is gone. They often avoid dealing with problems in their relationships in order to preserve their feelings. If their needs go unmet their feelings will eventually go away naturally, so they let their feelings die gradually while they are still in their relationships.

 

The second book also explains how women should communicate with their husbands and how men are, in fact for the most part, are good communicators and listeners. She talks about how men shut down, as their wives commandeer conversations about feelings and disregard their husbands' attempts to communicate. Cheating women often have unrealistic expectations about their husbands'abilities to read their minds. They fail to communicate their desire/feelings effectively and then come up with excuses to justify their affairs because they can't accept the idea that they did something 'bad' and are the 'bad girl' mummy/daddy warned them about during their childhood.

Edited October 5, 2013 by Scott Thomas

[Scott Thomas]

The physical aspect of my affair is over and has been for awhile. The emotional aspect has had a few fits and starts, mostly consisting of me instituting a dramatic no contact email and him basically waiting a week and then contacting me every other day until I break down from either weakness or anger and end up answering the phone or replying to a text. Lather, rinse, repeat. To clarify, though, I am completely addicted to the feelings and the high. There is no love, no soulmate thoughts, nothing like that. He is never anyone I would ever be with in real life. But just like the description above, he made me feel "alive" and reopened the door to desires I've surpressed for years. Do I know it's not real? Of course. Do I know I don't need to be a slave to my feelings? Of course. Do I realize it's chemicals? Of course again. Slowly logic is winning out, but very slowly.

 

My husband and I are in counseling to determine the "best" way to seperate, whatever that means. After our heart to heart, where I did not confess but was honest about loss of feelings and roommate relationship, my H has done pretty much exactly what's described in the stages. He's trying so hard to be loving, vocal, helpful, etc. unfortunately, all that does is annoy me and push me away.

 

Heart to heart?

 

No offence but you weren't completely honest with him. A heart to heart conversation would've have involved a confession, which ironically, would've broken his heart.

 

Annoy me and push me away?

 

That may not be the case if your affair is discovered/confessed. Entirely your choice of course, decide as per your conscience/morals/ethics/reasoning etc dictates.

 

If the problems were confronted earlier, he could have started these efforts earlier and you wouldn't have had your affair.

 

Good Luck! However, I would suggest you give him a shot at winning you back (an honest one with the complete story). After all, wouldn't you agree that you do owe him this as his wife. Food for thought....

[Scott Thomas]

My online EA was never physical and was someone I thought about being with only in fantasy (frog in the hot boiling water brainwashing). Originally being married to a workaholic avoidant personality husband, I was starved for attention. He did give me some - mostly in the form of "gifts" (stuff to keep me busy). And lip service to loving me. But not much quality time together and managed to F*** up a lot of it (like walking too fast for me when we went hiking, even after repeated requests to slow down).

 

Also I didn't lie about what I was doing. I had someone willing to spend time talking to me even though he was half a world away.

 

It's not logically that I would have ever really left my husband for a 73 year old man (I was almost 50) in another country. But I was in affair fog even as an EA and I believed within that fog that I would.

 

Ex-husband starts talking to interested girl at work, starts revenge affair, because of it and the rest, as they say, is history. I woke up from the fog, but of course it was too late by then.

 

Ex-husband seems to suffer no remorse while married to AP and yet appears to still be angry at me, as is AP. Why are they mad at me when they are together????

 

I can't provide a definite answer to the question pertaining to their feelings. My intuition is that he was devastated by your EA. Most BS tend to act by 1.Reconciling or forgiving. 2.Divorcing the WS. 3. Starting a RA.

However, I would point out that you, for whatever reasons, had an EA first. This, along with the other issues in your marriage, cumulated in your Ex-H's decision to leave the marriage (for another woman). Would be have left had you not started your EA? Hard to answer. However, I see no reason for the AP's anger; her emotions seem out of place since you never harmed her. Their misplaced anger may be seen as an attempt to justify their actions by assigning blame on the other party.

 

 

Btw, the author does state that there's no fixed script and most women feel a combination if these emotions.

[BruisedBNBroken]

Scott, what's your story?

[Scott Thomas]

Scott, what's your story?

 

This is my new profile. Deleted the old one.

 

Born and educated in England, UK (small Island across the pond). Served in the Royal Army. Returned home to find W unhappy and on the brink of divorce. She finally confesses that she was seeing another man. I promptly left her and started a career in politics. Our separation lasts eight months. W shows up one jolly morning and asks for forgiveness. She ended everything with the OM and wanted to reconcile. However, I was already involved with another woman and opted for a divorce. Five years later, I retired from politics and started teaching at a university. By chance, I met the ex-W at a party hosted by a mutual friend. The 'spark' was still there and we both asked for each other's forgiveness. We started going out and eventually reconciled. Happily married again. Mind you, we're not repeating the façade again. If she cheats again, she's out. (It's a good thing we're in our 60's-she hardly draws any stares from young lads these days).

Edited October 5, 2013 by Scott Thomas

[Scott Thomas]

Scott, what's your story?

 

Do forgive my curiosity, but would you conclude that the 1st two stages described by the author mirror your feelings?

If I were to go back in time (2007, 2008) and told you that you would start an affair, how would respond?

If the 4th stage is inevitable, are you prepared for it?

Assuming you marry again, would you reveal that you cheated on your 1st husband, even though this may impact you suitor's opinion about you?

If you re-married at some future point, what steps would you take to ensure that you do not cheat on your second husband?

[thecharade]

I can relate to some of the descriptions.

And not at all to other parts.

 

It feels like I am reading my horoscope and trying to fit what they are saying because I am "supposed to." But no. Much is inaccurate.

[Scott Thomas]

I can relate to some of the descriptions.

And not at all to other parts.

 

It feels like I am reading my horoscope and trying to fit what they are saying because I am "supposed to." But no. Much is inaccurate.

 

I don't think any poster would be able to relate to all the various parts. It depends on the person's situation and varies with each individual/affair. Which part would pick to describe your feelings. This may seem like a rather personal question and you're free to keep your feelings private.

I did go over your threads some days ago, any updates?

[Got it]

Without deep diving all of this, which I will come back to do later, I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt I have never doubted, questioned, or second guessed my decision to divorce or regretted the decision. Regardless of where my life goes and if I am alone for the rest of my life, that train left the station a long time ago. I like him, I wish him all the happiness and know what some really nice attributes he has. And I am thrilled he is happily married to a wonderful woman.

 

Our divorce was one of the absolutely right decisions for the both of us. I don't think either one of us really questions that.

[Scott Thomas]

Without deep diving all of this, which I will come back to do later, I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt I have never doubted, questioned, or second guessed my decision to divorce or regretted the decision. Regardless of where my life goes and if I am alone for the rest of my life, that train left the station a long time ago. I like him, I wish him all the happiness and know what some really nice attributes he has. And I am thrilled he is happily married to a wonderful woman.

 

Our divorce was one of the absolutely right decisions for the both of us. I don't think either one of us really questions that.

 

The question here concerns the decision to embark on an affair and cheat on your spouse- not divorce them.

If you divorced your spouse before you cheated, good for you.

If you cheated and then divorced your spouse-ouch-talk about adding insult to injury.

Anyway, thanks for your response!

[Got it]

The question here concerns the decision to embark on an affair and cheat on your spouse- not divorce them.

If you divorced your spouse before you cheated, good for you.

If you cheated and then divorced your spouse-ouch-talk about adding insult to injury.

Anyway, thanks for your response!

 

I did cheat and left a few weeks later. He doesn't know about the affair. While I agree that it was adding insult to injury it doesn't change that a divorce was needed. I had already realized that and was working towards that prior to the affair.

 

It wouldn't have been cheating if I divorced first. That would be classified as dating.

 

For me, there were many red flags that I ignore about myself, my feelings, etc. We had been together since teens and with my upbringing I was very naive about what was healthy and what wasn't. A HUGE red flag that I didn't recognize was the desire that "I could freeze him and put him on a shelf, go live life and then come back and take him off and marry him". (where is a palm to forehead icon?). He was the nice guy, the good guy, the one that you should be happy with. So I "should have" myself through most of my life. He was the opposite of my father so I though that was the right thing to do, I didn't realize he was exactly like my mother and so I was still repeating history.

 

I didn't prioritize and understand how a happy sex life was vital. And how many red flags our sex life showed. Bar none, you must be sexually compatible. In fact, while by the time we were married we had been together for 6 years, we didn't have sex for the first 6 months of our marriage and we didn't even realize it/discuss it for about the first 4-5 months.

 

Huge red flag, I remember walking down the aisle thinking "well divorce isn't that hard". Ugh. Since we had been dating since we were so young this was everything I thought I had been working towards. All the issues, fighting, and unhappiness was going to be fixed by finally getting to this point. And no one asked "are you sure this is the best thing"?

 

Another red flag, we fought through all of our dance lessons together prior to the wedding (he wouldn't take the lead!). And we had a real disconnect and fighting/confusion during the state required premarital counseling with the officiant.

 

His lack of desire to address any issues, his relationship with his mother and coping mechanism of conflict avoiding. How I shared many of the same features with his mom which was creating a similar dynamic.

 

His lack of desire to seek counseling either as for IC or MC. I asked for years, I went to an IC myself, I begged, but could only get him to go to one session. He was depressed for much of our relationship. It wasn't until we divorced that he sought counseling.

 

So while yes having an affair was wrong, the marriage shouldn't have happened. What we had was a great friendship that we tried to fit/continue into a romantic relationship. We were onlies and didn't have a lot to fall back on. What I really regret was I had the chance to have an awesome friend that I don't have any longer because of everything. We was/is an awesome person and we shared similarities and interests. But not enough to base a lifetime on.

 

I was not happy in our relationship. It didn't work for me and I stuck with safe and known over standing up for what was right. I own that and regret that he desired better than that. We desired better than what we settled with for so many years. We were codependent definitely. What made things easier was not having children together. So when we divorced we were both making six figure incomes, easy financial issues, etc. so it was by far the easiest and most amicable divorce. There was little there to fight about and no energy by either party to get into. He moved on quickly as well and had his future life moved in about 4 months after our separation. I think ultimately for both of us it really was the best.

[Calcmag]

What are Michelle Langeley's professional qualifications?

 

Reading the points given, none of it really resonated with me.

 

Anyway, I was a MOW, I'd been married almost 20 years when the A started.That's my background.

 

1.They push men for commitment

 

I never pushed for commitment, my exH pursued me and was always the one driving the relationship forward. I wasn't even sure I wanted to marry but at the time it was the done thing, and I did love my husband very much. Just was never that keen on commitment.

 

2.They get what they want

 

See #1

 

3.They lose interest in sex

 

My exH was the one to lose interest in sex. I had a high sex drive and my desire for him didn't dissipate until just before we separated.

 

4.They become attracted to someone else

 

Yes I did but not because of 1,2,3 above

 

5.They start cheating

 

Actually I became angry and resentful BEFORE I started cheating..

 

6.They become angry and resentful

 

see reply #5

 

7.They begin telling their partners that they need time apart

 

No, this came at the very end. Even after I started the A I was still desperate for my marriage to work but i'd tried everything I could and exH had done nothing.

 

8.They blame their partners for their behavior...and eventually, after making themselves and everyone around them miserable for an indefinite, but usually, long period of time, they end their relationships or marriages

 

I did end the marriage. And now I realise that actually I had more self-awareness before I married than I had given myself credit for. Commitment isn't something I want or need in my life.

[janedoe67]

1.They push men for commitment

 

Nope. H and I knew each other for a long time before we dated and married. I didnt even know he considered us dating for the first couple of months. He wanted to marry, and I did to, but there was no push. I didn't even mention the words love or marriage until he had brought them up first.

 

2.They get what they want

 

We married because we both wanted to marry.

 

3.They lose interest in sex

 

Nope....he did. Correction, even on our honeymoon he wasn't all that jazzed about it, and by the end of the first decade of our M we were having sex a few times a year.

 

4.They become attracted to someone else

 

I did become attracted to the OM after he began complimenting me, noticing things about me, and it felt good.

 

 

 

5.They start cheating

 

Five and six should be reversed, and combine the angry and resentful with buying books, begging, talking, crying, and trying everything I could think of to earn his affections

 

6.They become angry and resentful

 

Yes I did....after years of trying and rejection

 

7.They begin telling their partners that they need time apart

 

This was irrelevant because we were hardly interacting at all anyway.

 

8.They blame their partners for their behavior.

 

I did blame him for my A while I was in it. I know that was not true. It was an attempt to make myself feel better.