MM ended 6 year affair (long post sorry)

[Tangled web]

I am new to the board and have a lot of feelings I'm trying to work through. These forums seem so supportive and I'm hoping to just work through my emotions and get on the right track. I know many of the responses will be what I already know and may not want to hear, but sometimes you just need someone to beat you over the head with brutal honesty.

 

My AP and I met through work 10 years ago. We do not work together, but I spent a couple hours each day in his work space and we started with a friendship that quickly turned into a 6 year full on affair. When this all started I had been married for 14 years and he had been married for 4, but together for 10. We both have children. Mine are in high school, his are younger. We connected over similar interests, as well as our very similar marriage problems. We became best friends and he made an effort to call me daily and at least meet me for a quick meeting nearly every day. We went on overnight trips every month as I travel for work. Once a year we would take a longer vacation. I'm disgusted as I write this because we really did treat our relationship as if it were our first priority.

 

About a year and a half into it he started talking about divorce. We both started sleeping away from our S and literally checked out of our marriages. My H had already checked out of our M so he was fine sleeping on the couch. His W had suspicions and caught a few texts of his to me so they also slept apart for years.

 

It really seemed like we were working towards a life with each other. Things have gotten more difficult as our children have grown and over the summer we have had less time. I think the A has become too much work. His W has gotten closer to divorce and I think the reality of it all has gotten to him. He decided to end it this week. He still wants to talk, he's not sure if he can work on his M, he just doesn't want to lose his kids.

 

I have to respect that, but I'm having trouble picking up the pieces. I know it was more selfish fantasy than anything. A way to keep our families and have the intimate connection we were missing at the same time. But now, 6 years later, I've come full circle. I wonder if he misses me, if he really loved me, and how he could just be okay with never seeing me again. My H is a decent man, but I don't even know where to start if I wanted to fix my M. I love him, but I have never been intimately connected to him. After 10 years of M, I was so uninterested in sex I curled up on my side of the bed praying he wouldn't touch me. I'm afraid if I try to work on my M, my heart won't be in it and I will only be setting him up for a let down. We have avoided everything for so long it all seems unmanageable.

 

I don't know how to get over AP. I want to, but I don't want him to be over me. I'm also angry that this seems so easy for him and his W doesn't have a clue. It's like he can pretend none of it ever happened and that hurts. Now I'm just stuck wondering how to move on....

[happy stillmore]

I have all of the same questions you have running in my mind constantly. It is exhausting and difficult when you can't find the answers to quell your mind. (Quell- now that isn't a word I use everyday. But seems to fit perfectly.) The only thing I can say is that you have to think about whether you really want to work in your marriage. Be honest with yourself. If you do not want to or if you think you will never be happy in your marriage, you have to end it. If you stay in this marriage without an optimistic future, you are going to be depressed and wishing for as life with xMM when you thought you were the happiest. In reality, he was just an illusion, a dream. He is not your only hope.

[whichwayisup]

I don't know how to get over AP. I want to, but I don't want him to be over me. I'm also angry that this seems so easy for him and his W doesn't have a clue. It's like he can pretend none of it ever happened and that hurts. Now I'm just stuck wondering how to move on....

 

To me, this part is very telling of where your head is at. If I am wrong, do tell me, but this is my 2 cents worth.

 

Not sure if you're "in love" with MM or just how he has made you feel so for long. A habit, an addiction, but not real genuine love. I say this because you you want to be over but don't want him to be over you. Seems more of an ego hurt than anything. Not saying you don't care about him but to want him to hurt and not let go of you all the meanwhile you want to try to let go of him kind of seems..Selfish. Or maybe you're angry that he wanted to end the A. The thing is, affairs usually have an expiry date. Even the long ones.

 

Your H has no clue either so not sure why you're focusing on MM's wife and marriage when you are married as well and your H is in the dark too. At least she actually has some clue because you mentioned she is aware of texts.

 

Like it or not, he's chosen to let go and end the A. Have to respect his decision and do your best to let go and figure out what you want in life, whether it be divorcing and being alone or reconnecting with your husband.

 

I do think counseling would really benefit you right now, things are gonna hurt for a while so talking to a professional may speed it up and get you to a place where you can choose what you want out of life, marriage or to be single.

[zevahc]

Gosh, I may be wrong..but it sounds like all parties know or have strong suspicions..and nobody is truly happy. What the heck is everyone hanging onto? It sounds like if everyone knows you all can work to where you can each be happy instead of 4 people stuck in misery?

 

I realize there are details and it's not that easy. But it sounds like nobody is actually "in" their M, just cohabitating.

[Goodbye]

I agree with Zevahc. Would anyone really be destroyed if divorces occurred? Sleeping for years on the couch? Curling up so that your H won't touch you? I understand that there is a lot to lose in a divorce (I'm a divorced single mom, so I do know), but if everyone is unhappy it is quite possible that there could be a somewhat amicable solution to all of this misery?

 

My marriage was a sad place for the last 7 (we were married for 17 years). It took a lot to initiate a divorce, but I did so...and yes, I had 3 school aged kids. While I did not have an affair during my marriage, I did develop depression and a drinking problem. I knew I needed to either 1)convince my H that we could co-habitate as friends only for the sake of the kids (he declined) or 2) I had to end the marriage and take whatever came out of the divorce and know that it was better than living a lie.

 

It is probably for the best that your OM ended things. It would be even better if everyone could put his/her cards on the table and figure out an honest solution to this 4 way sad marriage.

 

Good luck.

[Tangled web]

Thanks for all of your thoughts. I can't say I disagree with any of you. It's very eye opening to get a different perspective. It's been a few days and I'm definitely seeing things in a new light. I think this whole thing has been a coping mechanism for xMM and I. It's made our marriages tolerable. Unfortunately, we are both married to good people that are willing to allow us to treat them this way. I don't know if they are in denial or just love us enough to wait it out. The difficult part of this is that it's become all I know. And getting away from it is the hard part. I'm hoping the clarity will continue and I can get my life back.

 

I am finally feeling the guilt I haven't felt in 6 years and xMM honestly looks like a fraction of the man my H is. I'm also starting to realize that this really is more of an addiction issue for me. I am attractive, in good shape, and people compliment me all the time. So why am I so insecure that it's never enough? That I need to take someone's husband...and even then I'm not fulfilled. Yuck, I really am disgusted with myself.

 

Maybe counseling is my only hope. It's just so embarrassing (ego alert). I'm also terrified that I would be setting my H up for more heartbreak. I know that probably sounds insane given that I have been cheating on him for 6 years, but in my mind...he was never going to know. And at this point he's just as withdrawn from our relationship as I am. I feel like any indication I give him that makes him think this could work will could get his hopes up. Our kids are in high school and for 6 years its been a M of convenience that we've been keeping together until they graduate. We didn't really discuss this, we just stop talking when divorce gets brought up. And you are absolutely right Zevahc....cohabiting sums it up.

 

I apologize, I'm still all over the place. Even though I know in my head what's logical, I still get these crazy waves of desire to be with xMM. Just when I think I'm content, I get this obsessive need to talk to xMM. I've only been NC for 3 days, but I know he's going to eventually call or text me and it makes me sick to my stomach thinking about how I will react. Can I be strong? One minute I hate him...but if he catches me at a moment of weakness, who knows. Why do we do this to ourselves? I knew an A could only end like this and yet here I am.

[zevahc]

Thanks for all of your thoughts. I can't say I disagree with any of you. It's very eye opening to get a different perspective. It's been a few days and I'm definitely seeing things in a new light. I think this whole thing has been a coping mechanism for xMM and I. It's made our marriages tolerable. Unfortunately, we are both married to good people that are willing to allow us to treat them this way. I don't know if they are in denial or just love us enough to wait it out. The difficult part of this is that it's become all I know. And getting away from it is the hard part. I'm hoping the clarity will continue and I can get my life back.

 

I am finally feeling the guilt I haven't felt in 6 years and xMM honestly looks like a fraction of the man my H is. I'm also starting to realize that this really is more of an addiction issue for me. I am attractive, in good shape, and people compliment me all the time. So why am I so insecure that it's never enough? That I need to take someone's husband...and even then I'm not fulfilled. Yuck, I really am disgusted with myself.

 

Maybe counseling is my only hope. It's just so embarrassing (ego alert). I'm also terrified that I would be setting my H up for more heartbreak. I know that probably sounds insane given that I have been cheating on him for 6 years, but in my mind...he was never going to know. And at this point he's just as withdrawn from our relationship as I am. I feel like any indication I give him that makes him think this could work will could get his hopes up. Our kids are in high school and for 6 years its been a M of convenience that we've been keeping together until they graduate. We didn't really discuss this, we just stop talking when divorce gets brought up. And you are absolutely right Zevahc....cohabiting sums it up.

 

I apologize, I'm still all over the place. Even though I know in my head what's logical, I still get these crazy waves of desire to be with xMM. Just when I think I'm content, I get this obsessive need to talk to xMM. I've only been NC for 3 days, but I know he's going to eventually call or text me and it makes me sick to my stomach thinking about how I will react. Can I be strong? One minute I hate him...but if he catches me at a moment of weakness, who knows. Why do we do this to ourselves? I knew an A could only end like this and yet here I am.

 

I think many of us ask ourselves how we got here knowing it might end badly. I know I knew the risks early and didn't stop even at the urging with my xAP. Don't beat yourself up....just get help, try to change behaviors...and know that you can't clear your head up while you keep filling it with this chaos...i say that from experience...not b/c I have it figured out.

[Tangled web]

Yes, I'm lost. That's why I'm here. You all are right about everything. But I'm not an idiot. I'm a smart girl that made a stupid, selfish mistake. I don't want him and the A is over. But processing my feelings about everything, no matter how unrealistic it all is, is still a process. I'm still grieving, I'm still lonely, I'm angry yet I still miss aspects of him. I know the "right" thing to do, I just want to feel content while I'm doing it.

 

I know the issues in my life are a direct result of me. Not my xAP, not my H. I need to get the crap out of my heart so I can handle things logically. Thanks for the advice.