bambiwboone Posted September 11, 2013 Share Posted September 11, 2013 It hurts. I can't do it I don't think. I'm still sneaking behind my husbabds back to talk to him. He can only talk to me during certain times. I'm second best. The fact of the matter is I care so much I'm willing to keep him in my life even if it hurts. But reality is I could walk away tomorrow and he wouldn't care. So I need advice. Should I firmally ebd our friebdship ir just stop talking to him? Link to post Share on other sites
Feb Posted September 11, 2013 Share Posted September 11, 2013 It hurts. I can't do it I don't think. I'm still sneaking behind my husbabds back to talk to him. He can only talk to me during certain times. I'm second best. The fact of the matter is I care so much I'm willing to keep him in my life even if it hurts. But reality is I could walk away tomorrow and he wouldn't care. So I need advice. Should I firmally ebd our friebdship ir just stop talking to him? End the friendship and go full NC, it's a very straightforward answer. Sneaking behind your husband is still cheating. It's bad for you and preventing you to do the work on yourself and your marriage. The fact that it still hurts to be second means you are still very much emotionally attached and can't be friends with him. Think about it -- if you and I were just friends, and I put you second and could only speak to you at certain times, would it hurt so badly? No, because you are not in love with me (it would me mildly annoying at best). The fact that you want to keep him in your life means you keep hanging on to him. You don't need him as a friend. Very few of us have been able to successfully play the friends card ... usually it ends up back into EA and then PA (repeat cycle), or everyone comes to their senses and sticks to NC. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bambiwboone Posted September 11, 2013 Author Share Posted September 11, 2013 Thank you for such a gast reply. I think you are right. Link to post Share on other sites
happy stillmore Posted September 11, 2013 Share Posted September 11, 2013 (edited) I agree. NC is the only way to go. I would rather have a lesser amount of torture instead of a lot aching. If that makes sense. It is like having a toothache that hurts like 5/10 on a pain scale where it is just enough to keep you from focusing on things for months instead of pulling the tooth with excruciating pain and it hurts 10/10 on the same pain scale for a couple days. Rip off that band-aid! The quicker you do it, the quicker you can move on and can let go of the feeling of being second best. You know in your gut that the end is the likely end-result anyway. At least, you feel that you controlled it and can tell yourself that you did it for you, for your self-respect. It is empowering to start to feel that you do have control of your life. It was the first time I did something that I knowingly was going to hurt me but was for the best. I kept telling myself "I love myself too much to settle for what he was offering. The longer you stay in this situation, the more you are telling him you don't love yourself and he can continue to use you. It is not all about him anymore. It is about YOU. You can do this. Edited September 11, 2013 by happy stillmore Link to post Share on other sites
ConcreteHeart Posted September 11, 2013 Share Posted September 11, 2013 Bambi. I have tried to keep a "friendship" with the MM. It does not work. It is hurtful. Again, I was doing all the trying, accommodating, planning and inviting. He was was doing the stonewalling, avoiding, flipflopping and mixmessaging he always did. He probably says he has no porblem with it, and would do anything to have you in his life. But he won't "do anything" he will do nothing at all and you will feel empty and spent. I know you are trying to be kind because you think if you assert yourself that he will become angry and never see you again, at least that how I felt. I'm telling you, he doesn't care one way or the other. I know that sounds harsh, and it is. I cried everyday for a week trying to make the final decision because I was afraid. But today I can honestly say that I feel free. I really dont have to worry about him and his feelings anymore and that is very liberating Get back to loving you. That is the only way to finally start moving in the right direction. I'm not sure how I will feel tomorrow, but I am doing this one day at a time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted September 11, 2013 Share Posted September 11, 2013 It hurts. I can't do it I don't think. I'm still sneaking behind my husbabds back to talk to him. He can only talk to me during certain times. I'm second best. The fact of the matter is I care so much I'm willing to keep him in my life even if it hurts. But reality is I could walk away tomorrow and he wouldn't care. So I need advice. Should I firmally ebd our friebdship ir just stop talking to him? Tell him you can't be "friends" and then proceed to go NC. Link to post Share on other sites
legalgirl Posted September 11, 2013 Share Posted September 11, 2013 It hurts too much. I've tried it. You can't go backwards when you have loved and cared for someone so much. Be strong. You will thank yourself for it later! Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted September 11, 2013 Share Posted September 11, 2013 Friendships with Ex's *DO* happen. I am friends with most of my Ex's. However, those friendships did not occur immediately after the loving relationship ended because there were still too many other feelings wrapped up in the situation. The only thing that made my friendships with these men possible was TIME APART and HEALING. You can't be friends with someone for whom there are still romantic feelings. You just can't. The best thing you can do is give yourself the time and space to fully mourn the loss of the love. And then give yourself the time and space to fully heal from that loss. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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