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MM is Acting Very Weird


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My MM said he was in the process of leaving his wife and we are planning to be together in September for good. We planned a date and everything. Now, his communication with me has been very inconsistent. I used to chat with him through text and phone call, but now he has sent me only 4 emails yesterday. One was a dedication to me that basically states for me not to leave him. We had gotten in a fallout about 2 days ago. He initiated contact after 1 day and sent me an email explaining that he still loves me and he didn't like me arguing with him about his wife.

 

During the fallout, I broke up with him and told him to work things out with his wife and leave me alone. Of course, that was not really what I wanted. Now the communication is down to a minimum and I am worried that him and his wife is working things out. However, one time he left his wife to come and stay with me. The few days before we planned for him to leave, we barely talked. Much of what is going on right now. Also, his wife knows about me and I don't know if he is just trying to get her to not suspect anything or what. Everytime he leaves to come stay with me, he just slips out on her and tells her nothing and she accepts him back everytime. I don't even think she loves him, it's just an ego thing. She doesn't really want him, but she doesn't want me to have him either. This time in September, he is supposed to be leaving her for good. His wife always demands that he do not talk to me while she is around. He tells me he listens to her to keep her from nagging him. I'm wondering if this is what's going on, but then I feel like if he wanted to talk to me, he would just sneak and do it. I'm tired of the inconsistent emails and everything, but I don't know if he's just stressed out about the decision he's about to make. He has been going through a lot of stress with what's been going on in his life, to the point he gets very bad migraine headaches and he doesn't sleep much.

 

I am wondering what's going on. If he is trying to work things out with his wife, then he needs to tell me. There is no point in stringing me along and I asked him to tell me the truth and his answer is always that he wants to be with me and he stops contacting me for a while. Him and his wife do have a young child together so I don't know if he is just spending his last few days with her before he moves in with me. He never told me that he plans to change his mind about being together. He has left before so I know he will do it again, but my mind is going crazy about why he isn't having consistent conversations with me after the argument.

 

Any suggestions?

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whichwayisup

You don't know what goes on behind closed doors with his wife or how she feels about him so don't assume anything.

Also, his wife knows about me and I don't know if he is just trying to get her to not suspect anything or what.

 

Fact is, if the so called 'plans' of you two starting a life together and him being with you full time in September is true, then why doesn't he just tell her the truth? That is has fallen in love with another woman and he wants a divorce. What's stopping him? Instead he's sneaking around, lying to her, making sure that she isn't suspicious. That doesn't sound like a man who has intentions of divorcing. Sounds more like he just wants you on the side and stay married.

 

If you truly love him, then tell him goodbye and call you when the divorce is final. This way you can focus on your life while he sorts out his. You don't want to be involved in his divorce process.

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You don't know what goes on behind closed doors with his wife or how she feels about him so don't assume anything.

 

 

Fact is, if the so called 'plans' of you two starting a life together and him being with you full time in September is true, then why doesn't he just tell her the truth? That is has fallen in love with another woman and he wants a divorce. What's stopping him? Instead he's sneaking around, lying to her, making sure that she isn't suspicious. That doesn't sound like a man who has intentions of divorcing. Sounds more like he just wants you on the side and stay married.

 

If you truly love him, then tell him goodbye and call you when the divorce is final. This way you can focus on your life while he sorts out his. You don't want to be involved in his divorce process.

 

He wants me and him to get on the phone and tell her the day he leaves. I feel like he does plan on divorcing her because he was in the process before. That's how she knows about me, he told her about me and told her he wasn't coming home anymore. But when he started missing his child, I told him to go home and spend time with his child. It's obvious he doesn't want her. I believe if the child wasn't involved, they would have been over. He wouldn't even deal with her. She keeps holding on even more than ever because she knows I'm in the picture. And the more I think about it, I think she may have found our text messages and nagged him about it so he only can contact me through email. Also, MM is a people pleaser, he doesn't like for people to feel uncomfortable. According to him, when he communicates with me in front of her or while she's there, she starts crying and trying to do self-harm. I don't know how true it is.

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You don't know what goes on behind closed doors with his wife or how she feels about him so don't assume anything.

 

 

Fact is, if the so called 'plans' of you two starting a life together and him being with you full time in September is true, then why doesn't he just tell her the truth? That is has fallen in love with another woman and he wants a divorce. What's stopping him? Instead he's sneaking around, lying to her, making sure that she isn't suspicious. That doesn't sound like a man who has intentions of divorcing. Sounds more like he just wants you on the side and stay married.

 

If you truly love him, then tell him goodbye and call you when the divorce is final. This way you can focus on your life while he sorts out his. You don't want to be involved in his divorce process.

 

Also, we both tried to tell her about us and she will not let go for anything. He told her over and over again. She also blackmails him (according to him), she offers to buy him things he like in return for him not talking to me. Like the other day, he wanted to have a bottle of alcohol but he didn't have any money until payday and he told me she offered to buy him the drink but under one condition of not talking to me. I kind of believe him, because when he stayed with me, I read the text messages she sent him. She said that the only way she will allow him to see his child is if he leave me for good. She uses everything she can possibly think of to get rid of me and she brings their child into it because she knows he cares about his child.

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Why on earth does he want you and him to get on the phone to tell her the day he leaves? Is he just going to stab her through the eye aswell at the sametime? Him telling her he is leaving is nothing to do with you, poor woman. He knows it will possibly mean her anger and upset is aimed moreso at you than him though hoping he falls free from alot of what will be said. Trust me, you want to seriously think about getting out and steering clear of this man. Not only is he cheating on his wife she probably does not know as much as you think she knows, he is telling you he is planning on leaving her but wants you to help break the news to her?

 

Think there is a severe lack of backbone floating around in this mans body.

 

You are going to end up getting hurt. He is going to keep going back. If he wants to be with you tell him to prove it. Leave his wife, get a divorce THEN contact you until then stay out of it.

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trailrunner1975

There is no reason for you to be on the phone in a 3 way convo with them. At all. Period. Bid him well and tell him to call when he is living solo and divorced. In the meantime he needs to go to the doctor pronto. A CAT scan and xrays will hopefully find where his spine went.

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trailrunner1975

I also noted his lack of funds until payday for a bottle of alcohol. If he is that tight on cash he will stay put forever. Divorce is not cheap. That right there tells me where he will be in 5 years. Where he is now. Do you want to be in the exact same spot 5 years from now?

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Why on earth does he want you and him to get on the phone to tell her the day he leaves? Is he just going to stab her through the eye aswell at the sametime? Him telling her he is leaving is nothing to do with you, poor woman. He knows it will possibly mean her anger and upset is aimed moreso at you than him though hoping he falls free from alot of what will be said. Trust me, you want to seriously think about getting out and steering clear of this man. Not only is he cheating on his wife she probably does not know as much as you think she knows, he is telling you he is planning on leaving her but wants you to help break the news to her?

 

Think there is a severe lack of backbone floating around in this mans body.

 

You are going to end up getting hurt. He is going to keep going back. If he wants to be with you tell him to prove it. Leave his wife, get a divorce THEN contact you until then stay out of it.

 

There is no reason for you to be on the phone in a 3 way convo with them. At all. Period. Bid him well and tell him to call when he is living solo and divorced. In the meantime he needs to go to the doctor pronto. A CAT scan and xrays will hopefully find where his spine went.

 

As much as I hate to admit it, you two are right. I should let him be for him to FULLY clean up his mess with this woman. I love him a whole lot, but at the same time my heart should always come first. If he really doesn't want to be there like he says he doesn't, he will leave on his own terms and come find me if he really loves me. Even still, I probably would have moved on by then because I love hard but when a certain amount of time has passed, I can't see myself going back. Happens everytime. They try to come back and the love is just gone after so much time of absence. The clock is ticking on his behalf but I'm not going to say anything. When he contacts me again, I'm telling him to clean it up first then we can work on being together. Until then, he can stay there with her.

 

I do admit though, after all the arguments her and I had over him, I do feel like I'm kind of losing by giving up and letting her have him all to herself. In my heart I still love him, and I'm worried about if they will just live happily-ever-after. Some part of me does wonder if he really is serious about making it work with me and I give up so easily, but in the meantime. I will follow through with it.

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Also, MM is a people pleaser, he doesn't like for people to feel uncomfortable. According to him, when he communicates with me in front of her or while she's there, she starts crying and trying to do self-harm. I don't know how true it is.

 

He does not sound like a selfless people pleaser to me if he tries to phone you in front of his wife. That strikes me as a pretty low and disrespectful thing to do.

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whichwayisup
He wants me and him to get on the phone and tell her the day he leaves.

 

How sweet of him. Remember how he's treating her and how he's handled this situation. Such disrespect for the mother of his child, the woman he married, said vows to in front of family and friends. If you think he's going to treat you any better, you're fooling yourself.

 

I feel like he does plan on divorcing her because he was in the process before. That's how she knows about me, he told her about me and told her he wasn't coming home anymore. But when he started missing his child, I told him to go home and spend time with his child. It's obvious he doesn't want her. I believe if the child wasn't involved, they would have been over. He wouldn't even deal with her. She keeps holding on even more than ever because she knows I'm in the picture. And the more I think about it, I think she may have found our text messages and nagged him about it so he only can contact me through email. Also, MM is a people pleaser, he doesn't like for people to feel uncomfortable. According to him, when he communicates with me in front of her or while she's there, she starts crying and trying to do self-harm. I don't know how true it is.

 

Oh good god. He's a grown man that needs to grow some balls and make a decision one way or another. Shi.t or get off the pot. Or you make the decision for him by walking away and tell him to figure it out by getting counseling. Don't believe all that he's telling you about his wife, MOST MM LIE about this stuff, even if you do love him and want to believe his words.

 

Bottom line is, he isn't done with her. IF he was, they'd be divorced already. People who want to divorce do and make arrangements for custody and they make it work. Your MM and his wife are not done, whatever their dynamic is, still holds them together, child or not.

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whichwayisup
As much as I hate to admit it, you two are right. I should let him be for him to FULLY clean up his mess with this woman. I love him a whole lot, but at the same time my heart should always come first. If he really doesn't want to be there like he says he doesn't, he will leave on his own terms and come find me if he really loves me.

 

Exactly. It'll hurt like hell for sure, but aren't you hurting now with him going back and forth? He's hurting you both by being a sitting duck, doing nothing. He says the words but there's no real follow through or a real plan. He's full of crap actually..Passively.

 

Even still, I probably would have moved on by then because I love hard but when a certain amount of time has passed, I can't see myself going back. Happens everytime. They try to come back and the love is just gone after so much time of absence. The clock is ticking on his behalf but I'm not going to say anything. When he contacts me again, I'm telling him to clean it up first then we can work on being together. Until then, he can stay there with her.

 

This is why he's not done with her, something is keeping him there, more than you know or he's willing to admit. One can't just throw away a marriage and the next day start a new life with someone else. That's totally unrealistic thinking. You must know this too.

 

Yes, walk away and leave him alone. If he loves you as much as he says he does, then he'll do anything to make it happen to be with you...IN a proper way, not by having an affair with you.

 

I do admit though, after all the arguments her and I had over him, I do feel like I'm kind of losing by giving up and letting her have him all to herself. In my heart I still love him, and I'm worried about if they will just live happily-ever-after. Some part of me does wonder if he really is serious about making it work with me and I give up so easily, but in the meantime. I will follow through with it.

 

You're not 'letting her have him'..You never 'had' him to begin with. He was never yours to begin with.

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thefooloftheyear
Also, we both tried to tell her about us and she will not let go for anything. He told her over and over again. She also blackmails him (according to him), she offers to buy him things he like in return for him not talking to me. Like the other day, he wanted to have a bottle of alcohol but he didn't have any money until payday and he told me she offered to buy him the drink but under one condition of not talking to me. I kind of believe him, because when he stayed with me, I read the text messages she sent him. She said that the only way she will allow him to see his child is if he leave me for good. She uses everything she can possibly think of to get rid of me and she brings their child into it because she knows he cares about his child.

 

 

*cough*....huh?

 

TFY

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He does not sound like a selfless people pleaser to me if he tries to phone you in front of his wife. That strikes me as a pretty low and disrespectful thing to do.

 

 

It never seizes to amaze me how AP always feels bad for WS. They all believe this man is selfless,sweet and the wife is making him unhappy that his only option is to look for someone else have abn affair with, in order to have the strength and lave the marriage.

 

But in reading this forum, I have seen over and over the WS is usually the one who gives less. the one who is selfish, the cake eater,the one able to lie and manipulate. The one who is looking for a soft spot to fall and just the right time to leave in order not to face consequences. But yet, it does not matter if BS falls HARD!

 

Aside from this, a man who is letting his wife control him by buying a bottle of alcohol because he cannot afford one until payday is one to be

avoided.

 

Please wake up! I sometimes think the fact there is a "triangle" and makes someone look more like a "prize" than he actually is. This man is not good for any woman.

 

I actually feel sorry for the wife also. wish her self esteem would be high enough to kick this man to the curb.

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This is the trainwreck from hell that you're involved in. Deep in your heart you must know that so called MAN isn't going anywhere. He's not leaving her if he can help it. And would you want him even if his wife does kick him out? What kind of ahole needs his girlfriend on the phone with him while he dumps his wife? He sounds like he's using you to hurt her and keep her in check. Get rid of this loser like yesterday!

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ladydesigner
It never seizes to amaze me how AP always feels bad for WS. They all believe this man is selfless,sweet and the wife is making him unhappy that his only option is to look for someone else have abn affair with, in order to have the strength and lave the marriage.

 

 

I know. If MOW REALLY knew who my WH was it would make her head spin. I often refer to my WH's method as 'hoovering' on both myself and MOW.

 

From outofthefog.net

 

Hoovers and Hoovering - A Hoover is a metaphor taken from the popular brand of vacuum cleaners, to describe how an abuse victim trying to assert their own rights by leaving or limiting contact in a dysfunctional relationship, gets “sucked back in” when the perpetrator temporarily exhibits improved or desirable behavior.

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thefooloftheyear

Hmmm...Sounds like he's smarter than we think..Hes a loser,. got nothing to offer, etc.. but hes got TWO women willing to fight for it..

 

What a deal..:laugh:

 

TFY

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Red Wolverine

The reduced communication is a sign of him distancing himself from you. Let him go. Leaving and building a life with another woman takes a lot of effort.

 

As we've seen from this board, most MM aren't up for it.

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