AutumnMoon Posted August 13, 2013 Share Posted August 13, 2013 (edited) I'm so confused. And I have said from the very start, don't leave me confused! I'm not contacting him because I'll just seem desperate and clingy but its driving me nuts. He is hot one week, cold for two, hot for a month cold for a month! I would love to ignore him for a while but it's as if I'm in love now and can't at all! He messages and I reply right away.. Why is he doing this to me. I really thought our friendship was stronger than any games like these. It pisses me off! I feel like I'm in high school again.. When guys would pretend to be your friend to get laid and then ignore you or the friendship for sure changes after.. As adults and people who swore we wouldn't let it change our friendship I'm just surprised and upset that he has done this. A lot will say the line.. He's just not that into you. But it's hard to explain. We see each other very very regularly and definitely have a huge connection. I know what and where he is 85 percent of the time, he's not lying about anything he's just over boarding with attention to me sometimes and giving me nothing at all other times... It definitely feels like a game and I don't like it. Edited August 13, 2013 by AutumnMoon Link to post Share on other sites
fanine Posted August 13, 2013 Share Posted August 13, 2013 I would say for several reasons, one being that we let people behave hot and cold. I know I let my xMM get away with it at the start, as I didn't see what it really was. But it set a pattern. If I had pulled him up on it earlier he would have known he could not get away with that type of behaviour. It is also a way of controlling the situation, calling the shots I think. It also makes us think of the other person, which in their eyes is good, whether we are confused about them or madly in love with them, we are thinking of that person... Link to post Share on other sites
jphcbpa Posted August 13, 2013 Share Posted August 13, 2013 He is not doing anything "to you" that you are not allowing him. He is not responsible for your reactions. What do you expect from a MM? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
PutARingOnIt Posted August 13, 2013 Share Posted August 13, 2013 Well, he is married. Maybe he has more than one OW. Have you considered that you may not be the only one he has in his rotation? You need to find a way to distance yourself emotionally. The hot and cold behavior will drive you crazy if you let it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LimeBlue Posted August 13, 2013 Share Posted August 13, 2013 You are romanticizing him and his feelings for you, when his actions show otherwise. This ^^ I have this shirt and I like to think I have learned the hard way, so I hope I do not land up with another shirt exactly the same Go cold on him, even if he contacts you, ignore it outright. People like this are not worth chasing after, even if they are just friends (even female friends). Remember that actions speak far louder than words, so watch his actions, not his words. Link to post Share on other sites
jphcbpa Posted August 13, 2013 Share Posted August 13, 2013 This ^^ I have this shirt and I like to think I have learned the hard way, so I hope I do not land up with another shirt exactly the same Go cold on him, even if he contacts you, ignore it outright. People like this are not worth chasing after, even if they are just friends (even female friends). Remember that actions speak far louder than words, so watch his actions, not his words. This is an A, not a real relationship. Neither of you is available emotionally or otherwise. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted August 13, 2013 Author Share Posted August 13, 2013 I would say for several reasons, one being that we let people behave hot and cold. I know I let my xMM get away with it at the start, as I didn't see what it really was. But it set a pattern. If I had pulled him up on it earlier he would have known he could not get away with that type of behaviour. It is also a way of controlling the situation, calling the shots I think. It also makes us think of the other person, which in their eyes is good, whether we are confused about them or madly in love with them, we are thinking of that person... This is so right. And he knows it makes me think about him I've told him so! Not for months.. I've let him get away with it I guess. But when he first did it at that beginning I told him I need to not think about this at home because we all know each other and I can't focus and be normal if I'm thinking about him constantly and for sure the confusion is what makes me over think and go crazy.. Link to post Share on other sites
ivyblitz Posted August 13, 2013 Share Posted August 13, 2013 Poster,d right medication for dt ur frd.inasmuchas u care.u shld v control over u(ur mindset). Dist frm him nw. Occupy urself wit d necessary tinz. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted August 13, 2013 Author Share Posted August 13, 2013 He is not doing anything "to you" that you are not allowing him. He is not responsible for your reactions. What do you expect from a MM? He's not just a married man, he's a very good friend of mine. That's what pisses me off. And yes I'm aware I am in control of my own actions which is why I have not attacked him, confronted him or went crazy about it. That's why I'm here, just to try and figure my **** out. I'm married too. I know the deal. Link to post Share on other sites
Pastypop Posted August 13, 2013 Share Posted August 13, 2013 Unfortunately, all men play hot and cold. Over the years in various relationships, I learned to enjoy it while it was hot and find someone or something else to do while they were cold. It drives them crazy that I won't play those silly games while they sort out their feelings or whatever. Seriously, why should I beg and plead for their companionship when there others who are more than willing to spend with time with me? It will make you feel better too instead of sitting around waiting for hot again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted August 13, 2013 Author Share Posted August 13, 2013 Well, he is married. Maybe he has more than one OW. Have you considered that you may not be the only one he has in his rotation? You need to find a way to distance yourself emotionally. The hot and cold behavior will drive you crazy if you let it. He does talk to other women same as I talk to other men, we have always been open with each other about that, but the other relationships seemed different to us because we were friends first and intended to remain so, during, and after.. That's what we said at the start. Also, we have never went more than a day it two without talking. The way we talk though changes drastically during certain times though. That's what I mean. Like going from 100 percent presuing me to playing hard to get, or highly sexually charged, too pretending this has never happened.. I'm wondering lately if he's feeling guilty and hiding that from me? He says he notices no difference in our interactions but that has to be bull****. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LimeBlue Posted August 13, 2013 Share Posted August 13, 2013 He's not just a married man, he's a very good friend of mine. Damn... same boat Except mine is not married, but he does have a partner that he supposedly wants to marry. It makes it so much worse when they are good friends, in my case a very close friend. Link to post Share on other sites
LimeBlue Posted August 13, 2013 Share Posted August 13, 2013 Like going from 100 percent presuing me to playing hard to get, or highly sexually charged, too pretending this has never happened.. I'm wondering lately if he's feeling guilty and hiding that from me? He says he notices no difference in our interactions but that has to be bull****. Yep, most certainly you and I are in the same boat. Because of this, regardless of what I said above, I have not constructive advice I can tell you what I am doing though - I am trying to just get on with it. I no longer look at my phone in the hopes it will beep, BUT earlier today it did beep (I have specific sounds for different messages between WhatsApp, Text, Email etc), and the beep indicated a text message (rarely get those because of WhatsApp) and my heart jumped ten foot. Clearly I am far from seeing the wood for the trees. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted August 13, 2013 Author Share Posted August 13, 2013 Damn... same boat Except mine is not married, but he does have a partner that he supposedly wants to marry. It makes it so much worse when they are good friends, in my case a very close friend. It definitely does! I've never felt like this before, never really regretted something before and as great as our times have been I'd take them back in a second to preserve our friendship .. I miss it a lot! And it's not gone.. There is glimpses of it for sure and he will swear nothing has changed but it definitely has. Any other guy I would have walked. But this guy is my friend. I really enjoy him and him me. But adding sex was such a mistake I think because we both developed feelings and then the friendship is forever changed! Link to post Share on other sites
forgetmenot75 Posted August 13, 2013 Share Posted August 13, 2013 Sorry I haven't read the whole thread. Just wanted to say that he's behaving hot and cold depending his sexual desire. It's not that difficult to understand: -He's horny: he calls you -You two have sex: he's not interested anymore until next time he's horny again. Or, he probably has more than one option, in that case, when the other woman is not available, he calls you. I've been there, it sucks. I feel for you 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted August 13, 2013 Share Posted August 13, 2013 You keep saying how he is such a good friend. In my world good friends: 1) don't toy with my feelings 2) don't confuse me 3) are considerate 4) are consistent 5) encourage positive choices 6) don't pretend things never happened 7) are respectful It seems to me like he is a typical selfish married man. He does not want to be held accountable for his actions. He does not want to be responsible for your feelings. He just wants to enjoy your conversation, sex and companionship when it is convenient for HIM. You are sick of his games but you keep playing. Actions speak louder than words. By continuing to respond to him, your actions are saying "This is OK with me. I'm here whenever you want to play." If he respected you, if he cared about your opinion of him, he wouldn't behave this way. Many married OW do not consider that many MM have double standards. Some MOW think that because both are of them are cheating, that MM does not judge her for it. The truth is that many MM are hypocrites and judge their own MOW for cheating on her husband. They may judge her as having poor character- even though they are doing the same thing! Their words may be loving, the "connection" may feel strong, but their true opinion about MOW is reflected in their behavior, and it often shows a total lack of respect for the woman as a person. He has shown you his character, now it's up to you to believe it. Your mind is clouded by this "connection" and "friendship". A cheater isn't just going to morph into a considerate, reliable, honorable man. By expecting that you are setting yourself up for disappointment. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
imfine Posted August 13, 2013 Share Posted August 13, 2013 Friendship? I don't know about you, but I don't have sex with my friends. I don't blow hot & cold with someone I "have feelings for." I think you're blowing smoke up your own bum to believe you have a good friendship with this guy. I also think you aren't willing to break it off because you know this great "friendship" will cease. Hot & cold behavior is to keep you right where he wants you and you are falling for it hook, line & sinker. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Feb Posted August 13, 2013 Share Posted August 13, 2013 Friendship? I don't know about you, but I don't have sex with my friends. I don't blow hot & cold with someone I "have feelings for." I think you're blowing smoke up your own bum to believe you have a good friendship with this guy. I also think you aren't willing to break it off because you know this great "friendship" will cease. Hot & cold behavior is to keep you right where he wants you and you are falling for it hook, line & sinker. This ^^^, and Quiet Storm hit it right on the head. Don't use friendship as an excuse to not go NC. Unfortunately, when we go into an A we buy a lot of one-way tickets where there is no return trip-- friendship is one of them. There will be people who post here who will tell success stories about how they were able to maintain a friendship with their xMM, but that is the exception. If you want guaranteed success, you have to go full NC and accept the fact that you will have to let go of the friendship, or question if it was a true friendship in the first place. I thought I was great friends with my xMM. Now that the relationship is over, I can see there was friendship, but it was also muddled with an underlying attraction and a lot of emotions typical in an A. It's hard to know if without all those feelings, if there would have really been a friendship. He was hot and cold too for the last six months, and I know for sure a true friend never would have treated me that way. Time to get out -- go NC for three months and you'll feel like a new person. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted August 13, 2013 Share Posted August 13, 2013 I'm so confused. And I have said from the very start, don't leave me confused! I'm not contacting him because I'll just seem desperate and clingy but its driving me nuts. He is hot one week, cold for two, hot for a month cold for a month! I would love to ignore him for a while but it's as if I'm in love now and can't at all! He messages and I reply right away.. Why is he doing this to me. I really thought our friendship was stronger than any games like these. It pisses me off! I feel like I'm in high school again.. When guys would pretend to be your friend to get laid and then ignore you or the friendship for sure changes after.. As adults and people who swore we wouldn't let it change our friendship I'm just surprised and upset that he has done this. A lot will say the line.. He's just not that into you. But it's hard to explain. We see each other very very regularly and definitely have a huge connection. I know what and where he is 85 percent of the time, he's not lying about anything he's just over boarding with attention to me sometimes and giving me nothing at all other times... It definitely feels like a game and I don't like it. I don't think it's a conscious game sometimes. But I remember reading this article which made things so clear to me about how unavailable men often blow hot and cold and why...and a MM is an unavailable as they get! here's the link tot he article, but in your case this definitely applies: They are undecided about you but like keeping you on ice. They’re like dogs in mangers…they’re not sure they want you but they don’t want anyone else to have you so they hog up your life and keep you as an option whilst trying to ensure that you think of them as your only option. They can’t commit, whether it’s to being with you…or without you. You ask them to step up to the plate and be with you properly and they flake out and start protesting how they’re not ready. So you walk away and they keep calling you periodically, emailing, and texting, never quite getting out of your life. Be careful of becoming a Yo-Yo Girl... They are very focused on short term benefits. They get sex and attention without casting an eye to the future and how they are screwing with your mind. They’ll also fake a future to get what they want. Why do men blow hot and cold? | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 13, 2013 Share Posted August 13, 2013 I'm so confused. And I have said from the very start, don't leave me confused! I'm not contacting him because I'll just seem desperate and clingy but its driving me nuts. He is hot one week, cold for two, hot for a month cold for a month! I would love to ignore him for a while but it's as if I'm in love now and can't at all! He messages and I reply right away.. Why is he doing this to me. I really thought our friendship was stronger than any games like these. It pisses me off! I feel like I'm in high school again.. When guys would pretend to be your friend to get laid and then ignore you or the friendship for sure changes after.. As adults and people who swore we wouldn't let it change our friendship I'm just surprised and upset that he has done this. A lot will say the line.. He's just not that into you. But it's hard to explain. We see each other very very regularly and definitely have a huge connection. I know what and where he is 85 percent of the time, he's not lying about anything he's just over boarding with attention to me sometimes and giving me nothing at all other times... It definitely feels like a game and I don't like it. Bolded. Because he can and you let him. He has other interests and you are not always a priority for him. He's a player. Sure he may like you a lot and enjoy you but it's on HIS terms and time frame. Basically if you don't like how he's treating you, tell him or end it. Tell him that you feel he's playing you and it doesn't feel nice and it makes you mistrust him. Just because you have a connection with someone doesn't make it healthy or worthwhile having in your life. LOOK at how he makes you feel much of the time. Is it worth it? What's more important ... Chasing some guy who is hot/cold and doesn't really care as much as you want him to, or ending it and finding yourself respect and pride, putting you first and rid of him so you can find a great guy who won't hurt and confuse you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted August 13, 2013 Share Posted August 13, 2013 Just because you have a connection with someone doesn't make it healthy or worthwhile having in your life. LOOK at how he makes you feel much of the time. Is it worth it? What's more important ... Chasing some guy who is hot/cold and doesn't really care as much as you want him to, or ending it and finding yourself respect and pride, putting you first and rid of him so you can find a great guy who won't hurt and confuse you. Amen! If you spend most of your time analyzing a relationship versus enjoying it...time to walk I say. In this case it barely even sounds like a "relationship." 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Cocochai Posted August 13, 2013 Share Posted August 13, 2013 (edited) He does talk to other women same as I talk to other men, we have always been open with each other about that, but the other relationships seemed different to us because we were friends first and intended to remain so, during, and after.. That's what we said at the start. Also, we have never went more than a day it two without talking. The way we talk though changes drastically during certain times though. That's what I mean. Like going from 100 percent presuing me to playing hard to get, or highly sexually charged, too pretending this has never happened.. I'm wondering lately if he's feeling guilty and hiding that from me? He says he notices no difference in our interactions but that has to be bull****. Lol mines was like that too. Until the XMM realized he was too much into me and went straight cold for over a month only to tell me he was focusing on his family and our relationship was over. I was hurt and at that point it had been a good year of the A. I thought maybe it was another OW or his BS caught on. Only for him to contact me again and tell me his feelings got involved. But by then, I was a train wreck and afraid he'd do it agin. Our relationship was never the same. But in your case, he just may have OW(s) and if he does, then in his eyes your relationship with him could be no different then the others. Just pointing out different things. Why not just ask him?? Do the same to him... When he's hot, get cold on him. And I'm only saying that because it may help you move on faster from him. Edited August 13, 2013 by Cocochai Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted August 14, 2013 Share Posted August 14, 2013 Just as an aside, women play the hot and cold game too! As explained to me, it is a way to create drama and tension and yes, to get you to think of them....and it's working like crazy. The games suck, you'd think we'd grow out of them, but nope. Link to post Share on other sites
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