confused8582 Posted June 21, 2004 Share Posted June 21, 2004 Hi There, I have been having and affair with a married man for about 4 months now...my instincts tell me he wants to get caught having the affair....I am unsure about it so my question is this...what are the warning signs that they want to get caught having the affair?...I am very comfortable in my situation with him...I feel he is one of those "friends with benefits" situations...no feelings at all for him...and we had made the agreement that things would be totally discreet....but some of his actions are telling me that he wants to get caught...if someone could tell me some of the warning signs...so I can be sure...and hightail it out of the "friends with benefits" situation...I would really appreciate it Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted June 21, 2004 Share Posted June 21, 2004 Hightail it anyway? That's my advice. Nothing good's going to come of your affair. Link to post Share on other sites
morrigan Posted June 21, 2004 Share Posted June 21, 2004 Just end it now--this relationship was going to end at some point anyway. Do you really want to be the third party when his wife finds out about her husband's affairs and have this mess blow up in your face? Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused8582 Posted June 21, 2004 Author Share Posted June 21, 2004 The relationship will end eventually...I know that...I am actually using this situation as a learning experience...why is that most women get involved with a married man to begin with? or vice versa? I am not quite ready to end things just yet...but I do want to learn from those who have been through a similar situation...how did they end things?...how did things turn out for them afterward?....what did they learn from the situation?...ya know things like that. I know all the signs of a man or woman cheating but what are the signs that they want to get caught doing it?...why do they need an excuse to get out of thier relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
Fayebelle Posted June 21, 2004 Share Posted June 21, 2004 Originally posted by confused8582 The relationship will end eventually...I know that...I am actually using this situation as a learning experience...why is that most women get involved with a married man to begin with? or vice versa? I am not quite ready to end things just yet...but I do want to learn from those who have been through a similar situation...how did they end things?...how did things turn out for them afterward?....what did they learn from the situation?...ya know things like that. What are you writing a paper or something?! I think that is sad -you are willing to contribute to the distruction of a marriage b/c you are CURIOUS! Girl that is a PROBLEM. Link to post Share on other sites
therresa kennedy Posted June 21, 2004 Share Posted June 21, 2004 Dear "confused 8582" What an interesting question! Now if you have read any of MY previous posts, you will know that I am dead set AGAINST having an affair, for a variety of perfecly valid reasons. But your quesion is intriguing because first of all, you have a woman's intuition regarding this, that he wants to get caught, and you are worried about it. As well you should be, first of all I am going to state the obvious, YOU ARE BEING USED! MM rarely leave their wives, and get this, he may actually love and/or be "in love" with his wife. It does happen, not all wives are boring, lousey in bed, nagging losers. The reality is that he has a history with his wife, he chose to MARRY her didn't he? They may have children, and they LIVE TOGETHER, whereas you do NOT live with him. He is emotionally connected to her irrespective of his acts of infidelity with you. Why would he want to get caught? My probable theory is that he wants to shake a responce out of old wifey, he wants to shake things up at home, scare her, punish her, only then to have a big blow out make up session. These things happen, JUST LIKE THIS! I know of some couples or MM who do this regularly, only because it intensifies things at home, and then for several months, the connection, both emotional and (you better believe it) SEXUAL, is heightened and more exciting. You aren't going to "win" this man, and it is very unlikely he will leave his wife for you! Why would you accept such a lousey situation for yourself? Don't you feel you deserve better than his short weekly quickie sessions? He is using you for a peice of tail, plain and simple. Don't be fooled, if he is taking chances, being careless, being bold, and instilling a fear in YOU that HE wants to get caught, then you better believe it, this is probably the case. Terrible things can happen as a result of infidelity, and I mean TERRIBLE! You should leave the situation, you deserve better and not to be so blatantly used as a sex doll. He wife is the one he is doing this for, once your purpose is over, he will dump you like a hot potato. Like I said, you deserve better than a MM. It is your choice, but if you make the wrong one, you will pay the many dangerous consequences, whether you want to or not! Good luck to you. Best Regards, Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused8582 Posted June 21, 2004 Author Share Posted June 21, 2004 Thanks for all the advice ppl...i'm sure I am goin to take you all up on it very it soon here ...all of you are absolutely right!!! Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted June 21, 2004 Share Posted June 21, 2004 You think its a 'friends with benefits' thing!?!? That is disgusting. If you want to do research -- why not read the many OW/OM/Infidelity posts on this board? Why not search for books and articles dealing with the subject? Why did you find it necessary to conduct an affair with a married man? I think that is sick and selfish and ignorant. If you think he wants to get caught - go tell his wife. Hey, wait----you could probably blackmail him! Make some money, get some neat stuff..... yes, I am being sarcastic, but anyone who is already conducting themselves dishonestly by stealing a husband or helping a husband steal his commitment from his wife, may not object to other forms of theft or fraud. Selfishness knows no bounds. Someday you might actually love someone and make a commitment to them. I hope that [i deleted this part because it is against the guidelines, so lets just say 'someone'] doesn't come along and do to you, what you are doing to others. Wait a week or two and print out all the responses. Print out the threads about infidelity and OW/OM too and keep them in a book or in a keepsake box or whatever will travel with you through your life. Take it out and read it in 10 or 15 years. If you are married at that time, imagine your husband reading it. Link to post Share on other sites
Fancy Posted June 21, 2004 Share Posted June 21, 2004 Gosh, I hope your employer won't mind when you need to take time off work because you've been subpoenaed into court. You are aware, aren't you, that if his wife finds out and wants to make life hell in court your cell phone records, home phone records, etc., etc. can all be brought out in court? How would you like to be a named party in a divorce suit? Yikes! All I can say is I hope you live in a very large town and don't have nosey neighbors. That could be some costly "experience" you're obtaining. Link to post Share on other sites
istilllovehim Posted June 21, 2004 Share Posted June 21, 2004 Girl, I do not have much room to talk because I have been the OW but what gets me is that you have the "friends with benefits" with someone's husband. There are plenty of SG out there who will be more than willing. At the least, you wont have to destroy lives to have your benefits. Link to post Share on other sites
therresa kennedy Posted June 21, 2004 Share Posted June 21, 2004 Dear Hokey Religions, How did you get that absolutely hsyterical moving picture of the hot mama on to the screen, I am new to the internet and I have to say, I have been sitting here mesmerized and choking with laughter. I try to keep my sense of humor, despite my bad reputation on this site as a rigid do gooder, but that just tears me up! By the way, what you say is also true, she is making a mistake, Miss confused, but let's go easy on her, she sounds sincere, at least she's asking for help, advise etc. You and I both know there have been much worse posts, for example, Day and Night, she was adamantly unrepentant, and that is SAD, but I think Miss Confused is genuinely trying to do the right thing. I like your posts Hokey, you've got verve! Best Regards, Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused8582 Posted June 21, 2004 Author Share Posted June 21, 2004 I came to this site looking for answers to particular questions...I know everyone has a right to their opinions...and I am asking now that you keep those to yourself. I have been on this site less than 3 hours waiting for the answers to those questions instead I get your opinion. My original question was...what are the warning signs that they want to get caught having the affair? I KNOW what I am doing is wrong...and plan on getting out of it sooner or later...when I am ready...now if ANYONE has been in a similar situation i'd like to know how things were for you...did he/she give you warning signs that they wanted to get caught having the affair by their spouse? For those of you who think I am just the one being "used" in this relationship...you ever stop to think that maybe I am using him for what I want?...ya know sometimes that is possible!!! Miss Kennedy...you're right I am trying to do the right thing here but I also have a curiosity about his wanting to get caught...you have any input on that?...what do YOU think makes a guy or even a woman do something like that? Link to post Share on other sites
therresa kennedy Posted June 21, 2004 Share Posted June 21, 2004 Well, Miss confused, I think you should go and read some of my previous posts, I have many nightmare stories to share regarding my own bad luck. I am certain you couldn't possibly be as bad as the two OW I had to deat with, but it has been my experience that when a MM is trying to get caught it is because he feels extreme guilt over the betrayal of his wife, and that this kind of conduct is probably not in keeping with his TRUE good nature. My husband did the same thing, got real careless, I suspected something for a long time, confronted him about it and then he broke down and made a tearful confession to me. I really do think that despite what this guy is telling you, he feels very guilty, bad and ashamed of himself as well perhaps. The warning signs are always different, but if he is doing things, being careless, being bold, acting like he doesn't care if you go out and get caught, that sort of thing, then I would presume he is feeling really guilty and wants to come clean to his wife. Guilt is a typical problem with MM, they are not immune, and many times this kind of behavior is not really in keeping with their true character, or what they WANT their true character to be like. Also, don't be scared away from this site because of some nasty posts, there are some of us here and we can get pretty worked up, especially if we're not the OW. Sometimes the Other Women on this site can get pretty beaten up. This is a really good site, one of the best, so keep coming back. Trust your instincts, I am a firm believer in trusting your intuition, it is one of a woman's best advisors, that feeling in the pit of your stomach. Take care and best regards, Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused8582 Posted June 21, 2004 Author Share Posted June 21, 2004 Kennedy...I can understand your frustrations with a woman like me...I had no idea what I am doin to his wife was done to you...and I apologize for my attitude...thank you for your honesty on my question that I asked...on what you feel might be the reason he is trying to get caught...although what gets me is we have been doing this for 4 months now and he has in the last 3 weeks or so been openly affectionate...telling more people about us...answering his phone for his wife when he is with me...why would he need to get caught in the act to get rid of his guilt?...why not just come out and tell her the truth?...why not end things with me?...I do not know his wife and requested that we do not talk about her...I know that by getting to know her (through him)...I get to know the person I am hurting...that is something I did not want to face at all....I do have plans in the near future to end things with him...curiousity got the best of me here and I am thankful that I developed no true feelings for him (which makes it that much easier to walk away from it)...Thanks again for your advice and your time for taking a look at my situation...if you have anymore advice for me i'll be glad to hear from ya Link to post Share on other sites
morrigan Posted June 21, 2004 Share Posted June 21, 2004 Some people who cheat "get off" on the excitement of sneaking around with another partner. They enjoy taking risks where they could possibly get caught. I would doubt they truly want to get caught, but some of them may enjoy flirting with disaster, but not having to be accountable for it. On the other hand, the MM/MW has a nice, comfortable life with a partner who deals with their daily bullsh*t. They are either too comfortable, too lazy, or too greedy to end the marriage and get a divorce. Why get involved with one of these losers, if you can clearly see through them? Link to post Share on other sites
fanou22 Posted June 21, 2004 Share Posted June 21, 2004 Maybe he really wants to get caught so he could end his relationship with his wife. He may not have a reason for wanting to leave his wife but he simply wants out and does want her to catch him. It could be as simple as that. Men are simpler than women. We tend to complicate things when they don't. So whenever you ask a question about a man. The simplest answer you get is what is probably going on in their heads. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused8582 Posted June 21, 2004 Author Share Posted June 21, 2004 Very good point that you have there...although I am not sure of his situation with his wife except that he has flat out told me that he is totally not happy with his her....I do not dare tell him if he is unhappy with her to leave her...I do not want him leaving her for me...I want him to leave her for himself...ya know what I mean? Link to post Share on other sites
fanou22 Posted June 21, 2004 Share Posted June 21, 2004 Maybe it is time you talked with him and asked him about his furture plans whether single, married, or attached. Link to post Share on other sites
therresa kennedy Posted June 21, 2004 Share Posted June 21, 2004 Miss confused, Frankly you don't sound like some of the outrageous other women who often post on this site, so no need to apologize. There is one poster, a rather sad young woman, "Day and Night" (gee I wonder what she means) who was so comically proud to be the other woman, I thought she might be in need of immediate therapy, but thats another story. If he is openly affectionate with you and if he is not nervous about answering his phone in front of his wife when you call, than that may be something altogether different. He may be getting cocky, a bit high on having his cake and cupcakes too. But still, it can get pretty weird and extremely ugly, just read some of my previous posts, click on the SEARCH button on the bottom of the screen beneath my posts and you can access some of my old posts that detail my weird experiences first hand. I've had my fair share. There are so many different elements going on in a relationship based on deception and infidelity, it can become quite complicated. Just be careful, you have so much at stake, you can lose so much, and not just the love or sex of the MM, but your own self-respect, self-esteem and ability to think clearly about what is right or wrong. Just remember, his wife IS blameless, she has done nothing wrong except try to make a life for herself. You are right not to talk about her, if he wants to tell you things, like what a lousey lay she is, quesion his motives big time. MM do that, they attempt to play on the sympathy of the OTher Woman, to keep her hooked. There is such unjustified hatred of wives by some OW, not you obviously, but there are some out there who are just bizarre, the way they project some kind of mysterious hatred of, their mothers or something onto the wife. It can become quite strange and there have been such tragic situations arise from acts of infidelity. As I said, just be careful, I would be exceedingly careful calling him at home, she could trace your calls if you're not very carefyl. YOU have the power to turn this off or on, to do what is best for you and sometimes it might SEEM like having him and loving him is the right thing but you may learn it is the opposite. Sometimes its like walking in a house of mirrors, being in a relationship like this, which is based on lies, deception and the fooling of another, you can become so disoriented, not knowing which way to turn, which exit to take. In time I think the anwsers will come to you. Good luck to you. Best Regards, Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused8582 Posted June 21, 2004 Author Share Posted June 21, 2004 I am thinking more and more of doin just that...it is time for him to do some figuring for himself Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused8582 Posted June 21, 2004 Author Share Posted June 21, 2004 Thanks again Kennedy I really do appreciate the advice...last week for the first time I saw his wife face to face (I didn't speak to her just walked passed her)...even though she supposedly has no clue who I am I felt she knew everything...and thats what got the guilty ball rolling...I think the worst thing about this relationship is that she gave birth to their son about 1 month ago....yeah i know thats even worse for my situation....and of course when I next talk to him alone...he asks why I didn't come see the baby...like he was surprised I didn't have the b*lls to look her in the face and say congrats...to me thats is very bold of him...to me he definately wants to get caught...I know she's not stupid...if I was to go up and see their baby she would have felt the shift between her husband and I...thats why I posted that very question on this site...to find out how far a guy will go to get caught and why he does it...ya know what I mean? I do feel more confident in my decision to end things now...like I said before I have no true feelings for him so it shouldn't be that hard...I guess the thing that held me back is the excitement of possibly getting caught...the adventure in it...thanks again everyone Link to post Share on other sites
fanou22 Posted June 21, 2004 Share Posted June 21, 2004 Out of curiosity..... How did you feel sleeping with him knowing that his wife was pregnant? Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused8582 Posted June 21, 2004 Author Share Posted June 21, 2004 Can I ask why you need to know that? Link to post Share on other sites
fanou22 Posted June 21, 2004 Share Posted June 21, 2004 I am in a situation similar to yours. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused8582 Posted June 21, 2004 Author Share Posted June 21, 2004 Honestly I felt bad for her...I lost a lot respect for him...and myself for not stopping when everything began...do I regret the things i've done?...no i don't I learned from them...tell me about your situation...or would you rather not? Link to post Share on other sites
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