ugh! Can't believe he still affects me like this.

[beyond]

Haven't been in contact for ages now with ex MM - don't even count the weeks anymore.

 

Well last night he sent me a message - very friendly, told me of something career wise that I helped him with that has brought good things for him and he thanked me. I replied saying I was happy for him (I am!) and thought that would be that.

 

It ended up going back and forth with him asking more and more questions about my life. I don't know why I just didn't shut him down,but it all seemed fairly ok. Then he mentioned a trip we had been on and how much fun it was (this was when we had dated years ago when he was single - we got back in contact and had an EA, although he pushed very hard for a PA - I ended it when he didn't go through with his plans to leave as he had always said he would, even before we re connected ) and added 'everything was always fun with you, I wish we were still together' .

 

He then turned nasty and said all sorts of stuff about me not willing to take a risk with him and how I'd sent 'that ridiculous email that ruined it all' - it was basically me telling him I couldn't be with him while he was still living with his wife and when he had sorted things out, to come and find me. I was accused of not understanding his position, spoiling a beautiful thing and finally told to 'go find a neat little life with no risks or baggage'. I'm tired of explaining to him I wanted to be more than his bit on the side, we have gone over and over this in the past.

 

I have not replied to his last text so I guess we will go back to not talking, but for some reason it is really affecting me. Three times today, I've been overcome with sadness and regret of what might have been, and had to rush to the bathroom to cry. I feel as if I've been punched in the stomach and am trying to work out why it is affecting me so badly. Maybe, I hate to feel it's ended badly, or without me explaining myself (but he knows I'm sure) Maybe it's just my ego feeling rejected for being dismissed so out of hand. I don't know.

 

Can anyone relate to this or shake me out of this feeling of guilt/regret/nostalgia????

 

xx

[fanine]

That is so horrible. How dare he treat you like that. Shifting all the blame on you. I got that from my working-on-being-an-ex-MM. Why couldn't I accept the situation? Why did I ruin it by saying I couldn't continue it while he was married? He tried to make me feel guilty. I did. But not now.

 

These type of men are completely selfish. You have nothing to feel bad about. Not for one second is he thinking about your feelings. It is all him, him, him.

 

Is this what real love is - compromising our values, compromising our happiness to be a bit on the side - rather than to have a normal relationship? No it isn't. He wants everything. He feels pissed he has been rejected.

 

If he really really loved and cared for you - he would sort out his home situation and would not be nasty to you.

 

He is screwing the knife into you even further by reconnecting after so long. he obviously misses the attention you gave him.

 

What if you went back? Nothing would change. He has shown his true nature. Would you really be happy?

 

You deserve so much better. Anyone would deserve so much better.

 

Just think one day you will be free of all this. You will find someone to have a real relationship with. While he will be stuck in his selfish ways, and never know true happiness.

[beyond]

That is so horrible. How dare he treat you like that. Shifting all the blame on you. I got that from my working-on-being-an-ex-MM. Why couldn't I accept the situation? Why did I ruin it by saying I couldn't continue it while he was married? He tried to make me feel guilty. I did. But not now.

 

These type of men are completely selfish. You have nothing to feel bad about. Not for one second is he thinking about your feelings. It is all him, him, him.

 

Is this what real love is - compromising our values, compromising our happiness to be a bit on the side - rather than to have a normal relationship? No it isn't. He wants everything. He feels pissed he has been rejected.

 

If he really really loved and cared for you - he would sort out his home situation and would not be nasty to you.

 

He is screwing the knife into you even further by reconnecting after so long. he obviously misses the attention you gave him.

 

What if you went back? Nothing would change. He has shown his true nature. Would you really be happy?

 

You deserve so much better. Anyone would deserve so much better.

 

Just think one day you will be free of all this. You will find someone to have a real relationship with. While he will be stuck in his selfish ways, and never know true happiness.

 

Thank you Fanine, your guy seems to have read the same book word for word!

 

I realise in my upset posting this, I forgot that what really upset me was that he mentioned how sex/chemistry was always so great between us and asked as he knew I'd previously said 'no' to a PA, if we could meet just for one time only to get it all out of our system!!! Seriously didn't know whether to laugh at the cheek of him or cry at the thought he'd demoted me from exclusive gf to OW in an EA and now wanted me to be a FWB. How could he ever think I'd be ok with that, did he not know me at all!!!

 

I hate that he is affecting me so much, when I thought I was over him. I veer between thinking I will never speak to him again, to wanting to reply and tell him a few home truths. I know silence is more powerful, but geez, it's tempting right now to lash out verbally. I want to feel indifference. I'm tired of him popping up in my life over the years, shaking it up and going on his merry way....and i let him

Edited July 31, 2013 by beyond

[fanine]

I want to feel indifference. I'm tired of him popping up in my life over the years, shaking it up and going on his merry way....and i let him

 

That is the thing - we are the ones who let these toxic men back into our lives. Don't worry, I am the same as you. So many times I tried to end it and then I let him back in.

 

I can give great advice, even though I don't always follow it! But what I am trying to do is concentrate on myself. On doing evening classes, seeing friends, to better my life. I do hurt so so bad. More than any other break-up because of all the lies and deceit. But I will not let him destroy me.

 

Next time there is any possible contact from him, really try not to engage. I know it is hard. I always usually reply even when I have told myself not to.

 

I keep bursting into tears at the wrong moments (like in the lift at work ha!) I feel like hitting him. I have thrown things in my house because of my frustration and hurt and rage. I want to hurt him like he has hurt me with his lies and bull****. I should have left a long time ago. But didn't. I have to accept that and see within myself why I let it continue...and make sure it does not happen again with him, with any other MM.

 

I know in the back of my mind I have always thought well one day it might change, he will see the light and we will live happily ever after!!!! But with our xMM I cannot see that happening. The are self-centred, selfish and do not care about us. Only themselves.

 

Take care of yourself, do not feel guilty. You did well before he contacted you again, and you will do fine this time too. One day you will look back and think oh jesus....how did that all happen? Difficult though it may be to think that now x

[beyond]

I want to feel indifference. I'm tired of him popping up in my life over the years, shaking it up and going on his merry way....and i let him

 

That is the thing - we are the ones who let these toxic men back into our lives. Don't worry, I am the same as you. So many times I tried to end it and then I let him back in.

 

I can give great advice, even though I don't always follow it! But what I am trying to do is concentrate on myself. On doing evening classes, seeing friends, to better my life. I do hurt so so bad. More than any other break-up because of all the lies and deceit. But I will not let him destroy me.

 

Next time there is any possible contact from him, really try not to engage. I know it is hard. I always usually reply even when I have told myself not to.

 

I keep bursting into tears at the wrong moments (like in the lift at work ha!) I feel like hitting him. I have thrown things in my house because of my frustration and hurt and rage. I want to hurt him like he has hurt me with his lies and bull****. I should have left a long time ago. But didn't. I have to accept that and see within myself why I let it continue...and make sure it does not happen again with him, with any other MM.

 

I know in the back of my mind I have always thought well one day it might change, he will see the light and we will live happily ever after!!!! But with our xMM I cannot see that happening. The are self-centred, selfish and do not care about us. Only themselves.

 

Take care of yourself, do not feel guilty. You did well before he contacted you again, and you will do fine this time too. One day you will look back and think oh jesus....how did that all happen? Difficult though it may be to think that now x

 

Yes, we are the ones that let them - we teach people how to treat us . That essentially is why I'm so upset/frustrated/angry - I should have been firmer with him. There's a part of me that most people see that is a very strong capable woman, I'd never let girlfriends/work colleagues treat me badly-not that they would, I count myself very lucky on both counts- but I'm soft where he is concerned. Because of our dating history and how it ended (it all seemed perfect but he had GIGS, went off to sow his wild oats , got girl pregnant so married her) I suppose I feel there is unfinished business. When we met up again, I truely wanted it to be for me to understand what happened and end it 'properly'. Of course, that didn't happen.

 

He is starting a new career soon, one I helped him get into, so he'll probably be very busy with that and won't give me a second thought. I need to get busy too. I'm usually so full of life but I feel physically drained today. I guess everyone is allowed a down day occasionally

 

Oh shoot - he has just text me 'I'm sorry, that was a nasty thing to say and you have been nothing but sweet and fair to me. Take care x '

Edited July 31, 2013 by beyond

[fanine]

Oh shoot - he has just text me 'I'm sorry, that was a nasty thing to say and you have been nothing but sweet and fair to me. Take care x '

 

He is playing games and fishing. Just try not to respond at all. As you did not respond to his last text he is obviously thinking hmmmmmmm, well I need to reel her back in. He is saying what he thinks YOU want him to say. Not what he really wants to say to you...how can he make a mistake by saying something like that????!

[beyond]

He is playing games and fishing. Just try not to respond at all. As you did not respond to his last text he is obviously thinking hmmmmmmm, well I need to reel her back in. He is saying what he thinks YOU want him to say. Not what he really wants to say to you...how can he make a mistake by saying something like that????!

 

I Won't be responding. Apart from anything else, what would I say ....'oh that's ok!!!'????

 

'Take care' is always what he says when he ends something finally. He said it when he broke up with me the first time around - so I always joke with him not to say it.

 

Part of me would like to think he realises he has overstepped the mark, or at least realised I'm never going to be with him while he is married. Maybe I'm naive to think that, I probably wouldn't if I was advising someone else!