Jump to content

A complete mess


Recommended Posts

Hi everyone,

 

I am new to loveshack and hope that I can use this forum to gain some clarity and advice.

 

Last year I began an affair with a married man. I too am married. This last year has changed my life totally, has made me change my opinion and thoughts about myself and pretty much everything in life and has taken me to rock bottom.

 

To cut an extremely long story short, I fell in love with my best friend. He fell in love with me and we baegan an emotional affair. We didn't mean for it to begin but as our friendship grew stronger I realised that I had feelings for my friend that went beyond anything I had ever felt before. I kept these feelings locked inside for months and spoke to nobody about them. I tried to continue my married life but the more I saw my friend, the more I realised that I loved him in a way that I had never felt. I love my husband but we have grown apart and we are not best friends. I have not felt that we want the same things for a while and although I love and care deply about him, I feel an overwhelming amount of love, desire, comfort and happiness for my best friend. One night we went out and the attraction was instant. We kissed and declared our feelings for each other and chatted for what seemed like an eternity. Within that night we shared our innermost feelings for each other and I found out that he had been feeling exactly the same for me.

 

Our relationship from then onwards became stronger and stronger and we admitted feelings that neither of us have felt before. When I think of him, I feel genuine contentment which is something I have struggled with for a long time with my husband. We truly are best friends. I believe I have found my soulmate. I believe I have found the one person in life who I do not wish to change and who I imagine my life with.

 

We have spent just two nights together and both times we stayed up all night long chatting and laughing and caring for each other in a way I never imagined possible. We click and are not afraid to be our complete honest selves with each other and we share an unconditional love and friendship.

 

My husband and his wife found out about the affair and we have both at times told each other that we cannot see or contact each other. I can manage a couple of days but a complete and utter desolate feeling overcomes me when I imagine my life without him. In just the matter of months I have fallen completely in love with my best friend and he has returned and shared this feeling and desire. We have tak=lked about a future together and shared hopes and dreams and this makes me so incredibly happy.

 

Our partners know about the affair and at the moment I am living through hell. I am trying to make it work with my husband and he is trying to make it work with his wife. He has recently become a father for the first time.

 

We are both pretending to live a life that is not making us happy. He wants to be there fir his baby, which I completely respect, and I am terrified about the prospect of a different life away from the security that I have known for the last 11 years of my life.

 

As I said, I do love my husband ands I care for him. He is in many ways a wonderful man who has not deserved the way I have treated him and our marriage, but meeting and falling in love with my best friend has shown me what true love really is and I now realise that I was not happy before.

 

I have much more to say on this matter however I shall end for now to await responses.

 

My life is a complete mess. I am pretending to save a marriage that is satisfactory and safe and secure when I am dying inside and lobging for the feeling that I have when I am with my best friend.

 

Please offer some words of advice. Thanks.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Praying4Peace

I feel like I could have written this myself. I'm struggling with it all myself at almost 6 months NC. I just wanted to let you know that I feel your pain and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Same here. Same story. About 8 weeks no contact. I have never in my life experienced pain like the pain of losing my lover and best friend.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm not married, so my grief is a one way street. I'm 4 weeks NC with exMM. I think you need to fully remove yourself, grieve and decide what you want out of your marriage. If it is a marriage of comfort alone...that CAN work, if it is what you want. Or, maybe you've outgrown it. You'll never figure that out while romantically entangled with your married friend.

 

Good luck.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You face a choice.

 

Either truly put forth EFFORT into rebuilding your marriage with your husband (which means REALLY ending any and all contact with the other man completely and totally...forever)...

 

...or divorce your husband.

 

If your marriage is in that kind of state and you cannot put forth the effort to rebuild it...then end it.

 

Make THAT your focus right now. Either fixing it, or ending it.

 

THEN see where things stand with this other 'friend'. He faces the same choices...and he may or may not make the same choices you do.

 

But frankly...you at least owe it to your H to make a choice and put your 100% effort behind whichever choice you make FIRST.

 

Stop pretending...it's just continuing the lies.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

While my particulars are not quite the same I find myself right now in much the same situation. I never thought I would say this but summer travel plans for both families could not have come at a better time for an ease off the gas.

 

I feel for ya.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Silver_Lining

It is a tough thing to fall in love and experience that love in a profound and very personal way.

Many I suppose will say that it is all the "fog" of the affair or the "illusion" and false reality that are "clouding" your mind and feeding your heart with a false hope that may never be.

Only you and he can truly answer that one?

I tend to believe and understandably so that we can in fact fall in love with another and to such a deep degree and level that is real and does have all the hallmarks of what love is and is meant to be.

I also feel just as strongly and passionately that saying it was destiny or meant to be and that this "one" is our "soulmate" and we have been brought together by a higher purpose is just plain foolishness.

The fact of the matter is we are human and being human we choose and ought to take full accountability for allowing ourselves to open our hearts and mind to the "new" of another.

Is it true love? - maybe - only that can be answered by the both of you.

What does that mean? - depends - if you and he have allowed yourselves of your own free will and choice to fall in love with each other and have experienced a joy knowing that compatibility, trust, caring, overcoming and facing the consequences of being together is what you want to do then making the leap will have it's baggage attached of the way it all began with the both of you.

Does that make it wrong? - depends on who you ask - yet always from this day forward you and he will be the ones sharing the love you have come to know and deciding that the cost of being together outweighs the cost of being apart...

Are your emotions real? - the hurt, the pain, the longing, the missed friendship, love and desire to be one - yes I believe so and life so has it that beginning an A has natural consequences that follow.

How much can your heart take? Where do you go from here? Is it worth it? Will you ever feel the way you do ever with your H? You haven't so far but is it possible? Ah.... the many questions that plague the mind of those finding themselves within the array of the situation they are in.

Truth be told, when beginning to grow attached and beginning to feel the "rush", the "newness" and the "adoration", "respect" and "desire" at the onset of the A - can one really know what they are getting into when it all begins that special day of meeting someone that you could of never known would have such an impact on your life, his and those around you?

To fall in love and allow the heart to be open (freely given and freely received) by another of easy compatibility and companionship is truly a remarkable thing and the joy, happiness, pain and sorrow that attend are all very real and very strong.

What it boils down to is the price you are willing to pay for you and what you really want. The consequences will happen either way and the "chips" will fall where they will... yet isn't it nice to know that you create your "reality" and choose the life you intend to live.... at the end of the day despite all others and the myriad of opinions and ideas surrounding either choice you choose... you will have to live with yourself for better or worse.

What if's? Regrets? What could have been? What wasn't? What is? What might be? are all truly within your power and yours alone...

Time is a tricky thing and things do not last forever yet when the moment gives you a choice and life's clock continues to tick- waiting and standing undecided becomes a choice in itself and the "real" possibility of losing it all becomes a 3rd apparent fork in the road!

May your mind be clear and your heart be true to really learn and find out what only you can do! ;)

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
ComingInHot

ahhh man... louanne. You had an A while she was pregnant w/her H's baby?! Really?!!?

You know what that means don't you? He was doing you BOTH.

 

Are you Certain the BFF relationship is mutual?

 

Do You have children w/your H?

 

Have you gotten the Entire story? As in, have you spoken w/MOM's Wife?

She may be getting fed a bunch of lies about you just as you are continuing in deceit w/Your Husband.

 

This is an abhorent situation you have acknowledged putting yourself and everyone else into. For that, I am truly sad for you All*

 

You wrote that you are at the bottom.

Sometimes (most times) that's a pretty good place to find your footing again.

Consider rebuilding your foundation on Truth, honesty and integrity. Either w/or w/out your H, think about going forward w/your head held high and not buried in the quagmire of lies that this A has placed you.

Go forward with Grace dear louanne* :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
Praying4Peace
ahhh man... louanne. You had an A while she was pregnant w/her H's baby?! Really?!!?

You know what that means don't you? He was doing you BOTH.

 

Are you Certain the BFF relationship is mutual?

 

Do You have children w/your H?

 

Have you gotten the Entire story? As in, have you spoken w/MOM's Wife?

She may be getting fed a bunch of lies about you just as you are continuing in deceit w/Your Husband.

 

This is an abhorent situation you have acknowledged putting yourself and everyone else into. For that, I am truly sad for you All*

 

You wrote that you are at the bottom.

Sometimes (most times) that's a pretty good place to find your footing again.

Consider rebuilding your foundation on Truth, honesty and integrity. Either w/or w/out your H, think about going forward w/your head held high and not buried in the quagmire of lies that this A has placed you.

Go forward with Grace dear louanne* :)

 

It doesn't take much to get pregnant. For me, it's not about the sex it was the connection and that made the sex a million times more intense. Lets face it, you can have sex just for the end result (O) and that's good too but totally different.

 

OP- the longer it goes on the more it becomes a part of you and the harder it will be to let go and recover from the pain. I'm sure you've had this talk with MM- what does he think?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thanks everyone.

Yes we did have an affair whilst his wife was pregnant. I know this is just dreadful in many respects.

I don't have children. My best friend and I have chatted at length about being together for the rest of our lives and raising a family. We share so much happiness and are such good friends that we both know we would have an incredibly happy family.

 

I am trying to move on without him but each time I think about this, which is continuously, I hurt so much inside that I could drop to my knees each time. The love I feel for my best friend are completely genuine and therefore so is the hurt about thinking about a life not with him.

 

I am constantly asking myself what if? What if we had never have become such close friends or even met at all? Would I be satisfied with the life I had? What if I never have the chance to regain my 'friendship' with my best friend? What if I never feel the unconditional joy and happiness that I feel when I'm with him again?

 

I see no way out and I'm falling each and every day.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Praying4Peace

So...you guys chatted about being together but now he's changed his mine (and/or you have too?)

 

Or have you not communicated?

 

Or did you agree to give your M's another try with all good faith?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

My best friend is a new father and although shares no loving feelings for hos wife he wants to try to be a hands on father with his baby, which I totally respect and always knew would be the case. He believes that in time we will be together but says he cannot be mine yet. He feels more strongly in the reality of this than I do. Over the last few weeks I have felt increasingly uneasy about how diffiicult this situation is and will then become when baby is here so I have tried to pull away.

 

I am trying to do the most logical 'best' thing for everyone but in the process am dying inside. I am trying to see that I may have a future with my husband and that my best friend will be able to rebuild his marriage too. I am just so torn.

 

He has promised me that as soon as he can he will leave his wife and that he will stay believing that even if I am 'wobbling' right now.

Link to post
Share on other sites
My best friend is a new father and although shares no loving feelings for hos wife he wants to try to be a hands on father with his baby, which I totally respect and always knew would be the case. He believes that in time we will be together but says he cannot be mine yet. He feels more strongly in the reality of this than I do. Over the last few weeks I have felt increasingly uneasy about how diffiicult this situation is and will then become when baby is here so I have tried to pull away.

 

I am trying to do the most logical 'best' thing for everyone but in the process am dying inside. I am trying to see that I may have a future with my husband and that my best friend will be able to rebuild his marriage too. I am just so torn.

 

He has promised me that as soon as he can he will leave his wife and that he will stay believing that even if I am 'wobbling' right now.

 

 

When has he stated "as soon as he can" may be? As his child grows it will be harder and harder for him to walk away. 18 more years? Wait until the child is out of college even? There will never be a good time for divorce or separation.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I am aware that without th edetail and the constant conversation this seems cold and unlikely. His wife knows about the affair and has said that although she needed him to be there for her during pregnancy and when the baby was born that she would be happy for him to leave as soon as she is more settled into motherhood. They have looked at financial costs and he at apartments. At all times he has included me in his future plans and wants me to be an integral part of his child's life.

Link to post
Share on other sites
threelaurels

Your husband will eventually realize that your heart is not into the reconciliation. What will you do if he leaves you? You say you love your husband. Could you live the rest of your life without him? You have no kids together, so he can easily divorce you, stop speaking to you, and find another partner. Would you be okay if he moved on and married someone else?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

threelaurels, i would hate the idea of that. I do love my husband and until a year ago I thought our life together was fine. But that is all it was. Fine. I now know what real, unconditional love is. But I have a security with my husband and I don't want to hurt anybody who would become involved if we divorced. Part of me wishes I had never experienced the love I have felt from and with my best friend. I am sure that although unhappy at times in my marriage, that I would have coped. Ignorance is bliss don't they say?

 

I don't know where to turn.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Turn to an attorney...start the divorce.

 

It frees your husband up to find someone who loves him as we all deserve to be loved.

 

It frees you up if MOM does decide to divorce and come to you.

 

It doesn't require that MOM leave his wife first, nor do you have to wait for your H to do this for you.

 

You can take ownership of your life...today!

 

Call and make that appt.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
threelaurels, i would hate the idea of that. I do love my husband and until a year ago I thought our life together was fine. But that is all it was. Fine. I now know what real, unconditional love is. But I have a security with my husband and I don't want to hurt anybody who would become involved if we divorced. Part of me wishes I had never experienced the love I have felt from and with my best friend. I am sure that although unhappy at times in my marriage, that I would have coped. Ignorance is bliss don't they say?

 

I don't know where to turn.

 

 

 

Didn't you just say your MOM was going to get an apartment and leave? That you were going to be an "integral" part of the child's life. I am fairly certain that if you are going to have all this your H will move on. You will not have to worry about deciding on divorce as your husband will decide for you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I am aware that without th edetail and the constant conversation this seems cold and unlikely. His wife knows about the affair and has said that although she needed him to be there for her during pregnancy and when the baby was born that she would be happy for him to leave as soon as she is more settled into motherhood. They have looked at financial costs and he at apartments. At all times he has included me in his future plans and wants me to be an integral part of his child's life.

 

...and you've heard her say this?

 

I'm also curious: how long have you guys been in an affair?

 

PLEASE tell your husband exactly how you feel about him, your relationship and your hopes regarding MM. None of this is fair to him (or MM's wife), and he deserves to know that his wife is faking a reconciliation. He should know exactly who he is married to so that he can find someone who'll truly love him/treat him right.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...