leilab Posted May 31, 2004 Share Posted May 31, 2004 I would just like to pose a question - Is there anyone that has been involved with a MM, and when he intended to go thru with a divorce, the OW actually backed off and stepped out of the picture? Many of the posts we are getting recommends the OW stepping out of the picture and letting the MM go through with the divorce & the dust settle, prior to getting involved with him again. Does this really happen? Has anyone of you actually gotten back together with your MM after he went through the divorce? And let him go through the divorce on his own? That would mean "no contact" pretty much for 6 months. Link to post Share on other sites
kechara Posted May 31, 2004 Share Posted May 31, 2004 I was definitely wondering the same thing (another post further down). But in addition to that, I was wondering if those post-divorce relationships are successful. Link to post Share on other sites
Debster Posted May 31, 2004 Share Posted May 31, 2004 In the cases I know, the relationships with the OW didn't work out because the MM started to resent the OW for breaking up the marriage and upsetting the apple cart. They decided to start fresh - and left their OW behind. Link to post Share on other sites
helpme231 Posted May 31, 2004 Share Posted May 31, 2004 thats what happened with my ex....the girl got pregnant too, and now he has a new girlfriend (they all live the same town) and he drives around with the new girlfriend and brags about her good job and how sweet she is and complains about the OW/baby mama now to everyone....and when people ask if she is pregnant he says that she is but its not his kid and he doesn't know why she bothers him...thats what one of my girlfriend's said that she heard (she lives in the same town). Wow, if that situation doesn't suck a big one! Why even bother to be the other woman? Before this girl could do no wrong (but he was cheating on her too and trying to get back with me but I knew he was cheating with OTHER females) and now she is a pest, crazy, liar, and a whore. To me, it is really not worth the trouble! Link to post Share on other sites
Author leilab Posted May 31, 2004 Author Share Posted May 31, 2004 Just wanted to clarify something. I have heard of situations where MM and OW get together. One of those examples is a friend of mine. They are getting married now. But I would be specifically interested in those occurences where the couple (MM and OW) broke up, then MM got divorced, and after divorce is final, get back together. Link to post Share on other sites
kechara Posted May 31, 2004 Share Posted May 31, 2004 Because that's what I'm deluding myself into thinking can happen now that I've finally cut myself off from him. Except in my case, I'd have to wait a year. My thoughts are that if he comes back in a year divorced, I would see if we are really right for eachother. There is absolutely no way to find out in the kind of "half-relationship" that exists in an affair. And I can't continue to put myself in jeopardy by staying with him as he goes through this split with his wife. Of course, the bad thing about "no contact" is that I don't even know if he is making a move towards splitting up with her now that I'm gone. It's kind of like I need to move on with my life because there may be no "tomorrow" for us, but I'm scared that by moving on I'll make any "tomorrow" that could have existed an impossibility. Link to post Share on other sites
SameSitation Posted June 1, 2004 Share Posted June 1, 2004 Kechara, that's one of things I've worried about, too. I'm afraid that if I end things, he'll lose all inspiration to end things because he'll figure I don't want him anymore so what's the point of destroying his kids image of their family. I'm not about to push him into making a decision about things because if he did end his marriage and things with the kids get hairy, some resentment is bound to land on my shoulders. I am also afraid that if I keep allowing him to muddle along without a time clock like he is, he'll stay on this halfassed path forever and I'll eventually go crazy. On paper, the solution is clear: End things. But seeing him day in and day out as we work together (not just during our 9 to 5 jobs, but as weekend business partners in a side business we've started), I can't bear to be near him and to not be touching him and calling him pet names. I get anywhere near him and I HAVE to jump his bones. The sexual attraction is a HUGE obstacle for me to get over. Even if we cooled our business venture, there's still the regular job we have to deal with, and neither of us are going anywhere because the local job market is terrible and we earn too much money and have too many benefits to risk leaving. In a way, we're trapped together like rats. Jeez. I hope we don't end up bitterly hating each other any time soon... To answer this topic: My mother, a former OW, has been with her boyfriend for going on 13 years. She'd dated her boyfriend for about six months before he completely left his wife and kids to live with her. However, it took 12 years and lots of screaming from all ends for he and his wife to actually divorce. In fact, his finalized divorce papers just came in the mail about three weeks ago. Is my mom proud now, being that she finally "won" him? Not really...Honestly, she got really tired of him about 5 years ago, and by now, she actually hates him with a passion. She doesn't want to be with him, but wont make the choice to kick him out because she doesn't know what she'd do without him. She says she doesn't want to be alone at her age, but if he just happened to get up and leave, she wouldn't think it such a terrible thing. She makes NO sense whatsoever. But whatever, it's her life. I know this was not exactly the sort of reassurance everyone was looking for. But hey, they ARE still together! Link to post Share on other sites
kechara Posted June 2, 2004 Share Posted June 2, 2004 The other post (started by "leilab") is along the same lines although, SameSit, unlike your "sorta happy" story, these sound like the real thing. Again, Same, you could be me and I could be writing your words. I went through the same mental gymnastics when I decided to leave and even tonight was thinking about composing a "I'm sorry I abandoned you at this hard time in your life" letter. But I'm holding out. I've decided him that I'll apologize for whatever wrong I did him in August and get it off my conscience then. It drives me nuts wondering if, now that I'm gone, he is even moving ahead at all trying to get out of his marriage. But I keep telling myself, "He's going to do whatever he's going to do. What's important is that you start living again." It's amazing how much of your life gets sucked out of you when you are "living" an affair. Can't say I'm quite living again. Still coping with the pain. It is (2 week mark NC is tomorrow) becoming more bearable. Link to post Share on other sites
kechara Posted June 2, 2004 Share Posted June 2, 2004 I lost track of which post I was in. The other one along the same lines was the one I started. Sorry for the confusion. Link to post Share on other sites
kechara Posted June 13, 2004 Share Posted June 13, 2004 Hey Same- Just wondered how things are going for you. Are you any closer to jumping this crazy train? Link to post Share on other sites
Kizzyfur Posted July 5, 2004 Share Posted July 5, 2004 I'm curious. Are your MM's divorcing for the right reasons? If he's divorcing his wife for the right reasons then he's going to go through with it whether you're in the picture or not. Also, if he is divorcing for the right reasons you shouldn't feel guilty nor should he ever resent you for "ruining his family". It's already ruined if they're contemplating divorce for the right reasons. If he has kids, he should do right by them first and foremost. If he doesn't do right by the kids, my feelings are he's not worth having anyway. It makes sense that if he really wants to be with you, then breaking up with him may hurry him along. However, at the same time this may make him feel as though you're rushing him. Though the way I see it, if he's really over his wife, why should it take forever for him to file for divorce?? There's really no excuse. If he's worried about the kids, the house, the assets, etc, tell him to discuss his options with an attorney. But please, make sure he's talking about leaving her for the right reasons. If he's not, he may grow to resent you for ruining his family. Link to post Share on other sites
Author leilab Posted July 6, 2004 Author Share Posted July 6, 2004 Kizzyfur, I am interested. What do you believe are the right reasons to get a divorce? Link to post Share on other sites
Kizzyfur Posted July 10, 2004 Share Posted July 10, 2004 I could be wrong, it just sounds as though a lot of women expect men to leave their wives just to be with them. Being bored with a spouse is not what I'd consider a good reason for divorce. A lot of people do this though. There is a difference between falling in love and being in love. They get a high from the falling in love part of a relationship but when it's faded to just being in love, they move on looking for another high. If this is why your man is leaving his wife, he won't stay with you either. Good reasons for divorce? Well, I would think that abuse of any sort is a good reason for divorce. Getting out of a bad situation is reason for divorce. Say you no longer get along with your spouse, always fighting and arguing. Yes, this would be good reason for divorce after you've exhausted all other options and tried dealing with the causes of your fighting. If your man is considering divorce due to something of this sort, he's most likely going to get a divorce whether your in the picture or not. And if you do end up together and you treat him right, he's likely to stay. Just my opinion based on my experiences and readings. Link to post Share on other sites
Shanghai Posted July 10, 2004 Share Posted July 10, 2004 Yes, but many, many men leave their wives for a new love-it's hard to fall back in love with someone you've fallen OUT of love with. I know many, many couples that are happy together where one party was married when they met. No wife in what they believe to be a happy relationship will admit there is even a SLIGHT chance that the marriage is not worth saving. You'll hear them say that it's just a bump in the road of life-they won't admit that sometimes men DO leave marriages for new loves, and vice versa-women DO leave marriages for new love. There is a consistant refusal on this board to admit that LOVE happens-that the love is valid. That 1 out of every 4 marriages ends in divorce for a reason. True, most of what you see posted here isn't honorable-if a man/woman has fallen out of love with their spouse, they should do the right thing and END the marriage. End it. And move on. It's being complacent that hurts people. Link to post Share on other sites
Kizzyfur Posted July 11, 2004 Share Posted July 11, 2004 I want to clear something up. It just seems as though some of you are assuming that I am the wife and wouldn't know what it's like to be the OW... well, quite the contrary. I happen to be an OW with a MM and I would not be with him if it was a simple case that he'd fallen out of love with his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
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